Bearded Gang

I’m fairly attached to this day. We were on “lockdown” during this time, all of my restaurants were closed and I’d spent the last three days assimilating to the “new normal” god I hate that term so much. I was home. It was a Saturday I had just gone for an illegal hike with a buddy of mine (we made sure we socially distanced ourselves from the trees while we hiked) showered, cracked open a can of Dales Pale Ale and sat under the giant magnolia tree in my front yard. My mind was on work as per the norm. Not the daily routine but its future. My third concept had just turned one. It hadn’t even started walking yet, it was building some momentum but that was lost in the shutdown. I was agitated from head to toe man I was not in a good mind set. We had just established Southern Culture Hospitality Group. Made a brand for it and everything. We were trying to grow, grow and grow!

We were halted. Momentum is hard to obtain in this business there are no rivers to ride down and coast you’re always crossing them instead. My partners and I were a little tired of each other for a while. Relationships are hard in this industry shake ups don’t need assistance but covid was there to help with that.

I had spent the last three days with my hands in my pockets. Everything was closed so I hung out at home. I had some projects that had sat unfinished the day I decided to open my own business. Shored a few shelves, painted some old walls I even painted three paintings I sold online. And why not? My businesses were shut down with no direction. Each day one of my places were shut down it’s $1300 a day in operation costs. That was also stressing me out.

I made breakfast for my family every morning, we’d share time for lunch and cooked out for dinner. We’d play video games, card games and watch marvel movies. In three days time I’d spent more quality time with my family than I had in 10 combined years.

We watched our 10 year old daughter running and dancing over a sprinkler head on our lawn. She was laughing and screaming as the cold water made its way over her head. I was half listening and half panicking over my vocational demise.

“Daddy look!”

“Daddy look!”

“Daddy watch!”

She was having the time of her life. She was home with her family. Her family was home with her. She was oblivious to what was happening and I was a little jealous of that.

“Daddy come jump over the sprinkler”

I watched her and I smiled.

And then my brain went a little sideways.

On this particular day April 4th 2020 my mind asked me a question that shook 30 years of my existence

“What you thinking about there Chadly?”

Me- “I feel like I’ve wasted 30 years of my life for absolutely nothing”

Noggin- “what you gonna do about it Chad”

“Rewrite my story”

This is completely paraphrased btw for the need of brevity. It was much more intense than this but I gotta work in an hour.

It’s journaling like this that allows me to playback moments in my life that help me see some of my old trail markers before I started to recognize them.

This was the first time something else touched my mind. I always referred to the time when I turned 50 that a little light in my head started to navigate my new journey but this was it. My head was still too addled from all the drinking. I thought I was having a slight mental breakdown (been there done that) but it wasn’t a breakdown just a download. The more I look back on things in my life the more I’ve come to accept that some of my emotional breakdowns have in fact been downloads.

Anytime I’ve experienced one I come out redefined, reinvented. It makes sense. It’s painful emotionally, physically and spiritually. Shedding that old soul skin. I firmly believe it. You feel overwhelmed it’s ok. You’re molting into the next step of who you’re supposed to be.

I recognize this pattern because my last download was my awakening on hunting island and well holy shit did that change a few things in me.

This download was a foot brake on life. Like what you’d do if you crested a hill and saw a highway patrol waiting on the other side.

*SCREEEECH

Season one of – You need to slow things down (I’d write that in a notebook over twenty times in about 5 months)

You could almost hear the heartbeat in my body go from fast to slow. For a moment that’s all I heard. Life stopped for a split second and my daughter jumping over the sprinkler freeze framed in my head. My vision went panoramic. I sat there and my mind said “hey Chad, this just ain’t it anymore bud”

I shut down. I suppose you have to do that for the big downloads. Plug yourself up, restart your phone and do what the prompts tell you to do. The only problem was there were no prompts. No instructions, no tools.

I had mentioned a little ways back that I had lost all my confidence in my trade. I no longer see it was that. I was going through a transition. I had to be separated from my abilities to dissociate from my old life.

“Hey Chad sorry for this inconvenience it’s going to suck for a bit but we need to take away your skills for a few months so you can restart”

And that’s what it did. Need proof? Fast forward to my first month of boxes when I had lost all my skills. And then watch them progress. My skills changed from fast, high speed tempo to more deliberate slower methodical pace. Every week for almost a year I went through a “I can’t fucking do this” while my other guy was telling me to take my time and it’ll all be just fine”

I got my groove back. It’s just a different beat now. I’m good

I don’t have to tell the rest of that story. My partners and I would say farewell in September of that year. I was hell to deal with while I dealt with that change. My passion walked away from me that day. I’m sure if my partners read this they would see the exact timeline of when I mentally started to back away. It wasn’t a fun time for either of us.

There is nothing negative to be shared on my partners for this. Just to be clear.

This day. This fucking day. 6 years man it feels like 100 and yet it feels like yesterday.

Fresh and stale

I started building that cocoon that day.

Broke ground.

6 years later I feel like I’m still coming out of it. If I could show a timeline of progression over the last six years it’s been quite a ride. There’s still more to come.

That’s not me talking. That’s the other guy who took over. He gets louder each time.

Or more aware

I have a love/hate relationship with Covid. I hate what it did to me and have to admire it at the same time. Some say they made Covid to start a new reset and well it worked. Maybe not the way they anticipated but that’s a whole ‘nother story.

This felt good to let out. Have I mentioned how therapeutic writing can be?

Cheers.

I fuck with people’s emotions when it comes to food. It’s a religion to some of you.

The praise you give it.

Holding your dishes aloft for photos, an exultation of steaming meat on a plate.

The fanboying of chefs yeah I never got that even when I was getting that.

The chefs themselves oozing with self proclaimed prosperity, coats adorned with patches of regalia. I have to admit some of the biggest asshats I’ve ever met live and breathe by the moniker chef. They often disguised their tyranny with the word “passion”

I never liked being called chef because of those types. I preferred restauranteur. Yeah I made all the food first but I did a hell of a lot more than that. I did enjoy the “best chef in the upstate awards”. That chafed some asses for some reason. Hey guys I was 48 years old without a single trophy in my case my entire life. I had finally won something. My daughter still talks about those plaques. You can never take that away from me. The best part of the whole thing is it pissed off the ones that know I don’t tweezer my food like some of you.

Bottom line- it all looks the same once it comes back out.

*side note anyone who reads my blogs on the regular (yah I’m pointing at you three guys) if you’re picking up a different voice you would be correct. My older self pops out when I’m talking about service industry. It’s blatant I’m not trying to disguise it. I have to let it out to play sometimes. If poopy words make you grimace sorry.

Food service was a very serious thing with me for at least 2 decades.

Plates wiped pristine

Elevated proteins with stock reductions

All of my recipes had enough ingredients to make a mole sauce. If I saw an employee making a sauce without that recipe book open in front of them I drilled the living shit out of them.

Shortcuts got your ass kicked

The last plate at service should look exactly the same as the first. If anything I was told to loosen up. I wasn’t that much of a yeller if I was yelling it was probably for fanfare because my ego thought it had to be done that way until I had to take a step back.

I’m good at this shit yall. I never wanted to be. I literally watched some line cooks at the Blockhouse one lunch and said “I could do this shit”

Kitchen laughed at me. Charlie fired the KM for calling in sick to play golf and I told Charlie “fuck it sign me up I’ll do it”

And I did

I had done pantry one shift. I was a bartender. Charlie threw me in the km spot, no training and said “don’t let Willie get drunk” and that’s how I got my start. I jumped on the line and took some hellish lumps. I stepped down about a year later to try to fix my relationship with my girlfriend at the time. Jesus did that ever become a revolving door of behavior. Hell I didn’t even know the correct way to cut an onion until I was writing recipes for Southern. My old boss at AZ would hire these high falootin chefs from Atlanta for menu tasting and I’d come over in my manager slacks and stained button ups and kick the shit out of their recipes. He wanted the coveted bang bang sauce of the 90s and I made it by palate alone. The other “chefs” couldn’t replicate it. The only reason I was moved into the kitchen was because I kept firing my KMs. I recall my old boss chatting with me when I opened Southern “when did you learn how to cook like this?” Honesty at first I found about three dozen things that looked like they’d work great for a Sunday dinner and worked around that.

Braising short rib? Never done it before

Smoking pork butts? First time.

Bechamel? I had one recipe I manipulated 10 different ways. The og cheese sauce for the Mac was our old steakhouse spinach dip sauce. I mean cmon man it’s butter, flour and cream for fucks sake. Add cheese and you’ve made a mornay. Add some peppers and people are going ape shit while dipping tortillas in it. Subtract the butter for some animal lard and you have gravy. Buy the cow from a local farmer, butcher it yourself, take the bones and cook them down for a slow stock, add some root veggies from the farm that charges $13 for two bunches of carrots at the Saturday market. Add some over the top gastrique (foodies love syllables) paired with brown butter something haricot, atop a piece of beef that’s been sitting dry for 145 months and then get Michelin on the phone pronto! I NEED MY FUCKING STAR. Comes with twice cooked pomme frites (frozen french fries)

I can say all of this because I lived this. Ever been in a vocation you were good at but didn’t enjoy?

It’s the ego in me that always try to pull me back.

Not my passion

I want to win it all. All the time. I walk downtown and find myself peering into vacant buildings. I’m visualizing floor plans, sign branding and concepts.

I can see color schemes, platings walking by the window.

Asses in the seats.

In my head I’m “I would fucking kick the shit out of this place if I opened a spot here. I’m even better than I used to be”

Yep. I’m rested, I’m more creative, I’m much MUCH more grounded. I don’t live in fear of the open bar anymore. I’d actually considered selling some beer and wine at Graze. It’s about the only way I could get some of my friends to come see me.

Then in my head as I’m creating the concept I start visualizing call-ins

Short staffed kitchens

Oven breaking down on a Sunday

Karen leaving a 1 star review because my hungover bartender threw up on her blouse

$1200 smallwares orders

And then I keep walking

You don’t get that part of me again.

Did you know there was a teeny tiny chance of Southern being resurrected? Very recently. My list of demands would’ve been too much. Not for the concept itself but for my sanity.

But

I would’ve blown the fucking doors off.

That’s my kitchen ego trying to break in. Still

Man I would love to create some concepts that I could walk away from after the doors open. Like having kids. The fun is trying. The hard part is when it’s time to raise them.

I’m not raising anymore kids. I’ll babysit for a short period of time but that’s it. I like to hand the kids off once I get tired.

People often ask me what goes through my head when I do these giant tables and I’m just camping man. I’m sitting next to a campfire or I’m having fish tacos with my favorite party of three at the Shrimp Basket in the gulf. Or on the front porch with the wife chatting about our day.

That’s my real passion. Bechamel be damned.

But

I make a damn good cheese sauce.

On occasion I get the itch and I have to scratch it. Writing about it is much cheaper than opening another concept. No I’m not opening a restaurant but Goddamit my ego keeps coming back with “it would kick ass”

Yeah you’re damn right it would. Mine!

I got it out of my system before my next walk. I may need to change my route for a bit.

Cheers

I was absently scanning background noises on my tv while I sat with my phone in my hand the other day after work. A lot of us do this auto- stimulating where we pick a movie or tv show to play in corner of our mind while we scroll on our devices. Stereo dopamine as I call it. It’s a looping behavior I’m well aware of. I don’t watch movies like I used to for some reason they don’t the anchor my attention. I’m not an anti TV guy I just powered through four seasons of Fargo, it’s a solid show but movies don’t grab my balls anymore (sorry kitchen language). It comes and goes it may be another year before I watch another tv series.

I came across a quick blip for Groundhog’s Day with Bill Murray while scanning. I had always enjoyed that movie I’ve probably seen it around a half dozen times and then another few more playing background dialogue while I shop for camping gear or troll social media on my phone. It’s been a good while since I last watched it probably a decade or so.

Groundhog’s Day, if you’re one of the 200 people who don’t know what the movie is about, follows Phill Connor, a rather cynical TV weatherman who gets snowed in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania and is forced to relive February 2nd over and over again. It’s a comedy. If you haven’t seen the movie you wont understand much of this.

Groundhog’s Day could also be used as a metaphor to represent our lives.

I hear a lot of us commenting about most days seem to feel like a lot like that movie. We feel stuck in a timeline that tends to repeat itself over and over. So I’m going to try to tie this together somewhat metaphorically

Ok

Phil Connor- he’s trapped in a pattern. Just like we are. For the first part of the movie he’s living in default mode.

Unconscious looping patterns for Phil

Ego

Cynicism

Impulse

He’s reacting instead of having awareness.

His day resets every morning at 6am. Every morning his alarm sounds off with “I got you babe”by Sonny and Cher.

Time isn’t what’s broken. Phil is. He wakes up, reads and walks the same internal script every day. Same morning routine, same breakfast, route to work, dialogue.

Does this sound familiar to you? It may be a different day but it’s the same structure underneath.

Same occurring thoughts, same emotional reactions, same decisions.

Am I getting warmer?

Phil starts to figure out something is whack. Obviously he’s realizing his own loops.

Awareness

So what does he do once he becomes aware of his situation? He begins to shake out of his daily routine. Not for the sake of feeling complete or balance but out of manipulation. Short cuts all through the movie to hack the outcome. Phil is represented as an asshat for most of the movie. His cynicism is clear. His lack of empathy and caring is obvious. Phil just isn’t a happy dude.

Phil is changing his daily actions but not his identity. So his loops continue without any progression.

The changes he goes through most of the movie are surface level. He forgets look inside of himself or overlooks it. His perception is purely environmental. Change a few actions here and there from his perspective environment and his day will reset back to normal.

Obviously this does not work out.

Once this sets in Phil begins his collapse into himself.

Exhaustion

Self-destruction

He realizes none of his actions are changing anything. It’s not failure it’s the system showing us the loops are internal.

And then

His consciousness begins to shift.

He gives up trying to escape. He becomes self aware of his behavioral patterns and starts changing how he exits within himself.

Learns a new skill (piano)

Helps people without reward

Pays attention becomes present.

He stops manipulating. He’s found alignment within himself.

He didn’t break the loops by recognizing them. He broke through by changing his reactions to them.

His intentions

He loosens his ego

His identity becomes a little more stabilized

Still the same old day, environment.

Phil changed his consciousness. His way of thinking. He rewired himself. Now that’s some shadow work.

The repetition cycle stops.

Phil wasn’t repeating the same exact calendar day over and over he was fighting with his loops. The loops aren’t time, they’re feedback.

Let’s move Phil out of the way.

Life continues to feed us the same pattern day after day. Our own little Groundhog Day.

Until we recognize that pattern for what it is we will continue on that path.

You stop reacting automatically. You choose differently without forcing it.

You’re not changing intellectually, you’re changing behaviorally

Consistently

Naturally

Flowwwinnnng

We repeat the same patterns over and over

Partner dynamics

Same work frustrations

Emotional triggers.

This thought always pops in our heads “why does this keep happening to me?”

Because we are stuck in Punxsutawney.

We try to manipulate our way through the day once we see realize it

And just like Phil showed us: you can’t brute force your way out. You can’t fake transformation and there are no shortcuts.

You have to become someone who doesn’t produce the same outcomes.

It’s tough. I’ve been on this road for over 5 years now. Breaking free from my own little Punxsutawney.

But

The goal isn’t to escape the day.

It’s to get to a point where even if the day repeated you wouldn’t need it to change.

You can pick and choose the repetitions and discard the rest.

You aren’t escaping your reality you’re breaking looping patterns. Phil didn’t break free from his everyday mundane life. He let go of the old Phil.

That’s the key.

Peace. ☮️

Two days ago I posted a quote that said “Anything that triggers you needs healing”

We all have these little tripwires inside of us that can make us snap at times. Whether it’s anger, sadness or some other emotional/physical response. I’m stepping over tripwires all the time in my head I know where most are although some are well hidden.

I’ve spent the past 5 years identifying and loosening those triggers to help cope with my emotional issues. It’s taken practice. Hours of meditation and self therapy. I made the mistake of trying to suppress my emotions for a while, you know turn the other cheek things and that didn’t work out for me. Emotions need to be released, if you’re mad let it out, if it’s sadness building up, cry your ass off.

Acknowledge the emotion. Talk to your emotional state while not reacting emotionally. Yeah that sounds like trying to scratch your ass with your nose but what it means to me is I try not to base any decision making while I’m under intense emotional pressure.

Easy example- I wanted to lock the door to my deli yesterday over a $800 fine.

We’ll get back to that.

I tripped over my biggest tripwire in 2020 during the Covid lockdown. I’m not delving back into this shit again I’m only bringing it up to explain why my knee jerk reaction is to burn everything to the ground whenever I feel like our government’s bureaucracy oversteps its authority. Which is 99.9% of the time but only sometimes does it make me grit my teeth. I hide no doubt that I’m not a fan of politics or bureaucracies. Watching your three businesses crash and burn while big box retail was raking in billions during Covid will turn you into a militia minded maniac. One day you’re serving brunch for 400 covers and the next you’re begging folk to come grab a styrofoam box (that went up 300% in cost in one week) for a $200 day. All the while saying the key phrases our government already had in their back pocket.

“Flatten the curve”

“Social distancing”

“New norms”

“Lockdowns”

They sat us down, put a spoon of shit in our mouths and said “sit there and shut up”

I let that all that out on purpose. I tripped about 4 tripwires yesterday and I’m still cleaning up the mess. All because of one phone call from the department of agriculture. Those departments- all of them are filled with people with ashen personalities and no souls. Would you want to make friends with anyone you’ve ever met at a DMV? Didn’t think so.

I got mad yesterday. Burning mad. I wanted the home address of the lady that called me. I wanted to go to her home and show her what it’s like to have $800 ripped from her hands for a ridiculous infraction. “Hey where’s my front door?”

I threw it away. Let me know how that feels to nervous system.

I know I sound a tad harsh but I was trying to think of a way of taking my $800 out of someone’s ass. True fucking story.

Also I started that morning off by breaking my headphones. The same ones I’ve worn every single day for the last two and a half years. I’m like that guy from There’s Something About Mary. I love my headphones and my music. Those headphones helped me fix a lot of things in me. Or they stood by for emotional support the entire time. I’m currently wearing my wife’s headphones.

My wife just for a minute let me say she’s always my first text when I’m angry or sad.

That means she gets a lot of texts from me.

I recognized my triggers were snapped yesterday but I still had to let it out. As I was texting her I kept reminding myself that I still needed to protect her energy just as much as mine. I used to not think that way I would use her as my mental punching bag. I’d throw it all at her. Not angrily just emotionally. I did a little bit yesterday but I made sure I didn’t bring it home with me. I made one last comment when I got home and then stood in my shower for 10 minutes rinsing the emotions off.

It works if that’s your intention.

My wife had already updated her headphones to my phone, she chose to pick up dinner without the back and forth between us about decisions. She basically tucked me into my sofa seat and kissed me on my forehead.

She knows me better than anyone. By 6:00pm I was back down. 99% because of her.

5:45 I still wanted the world to burn.

Am I still mad? I’m heated but I’m under control.

Shit happens. The deli has been steady it’s not going to close my shop down by any means just

Just

Stop taking hard earned money out of people’s pockets. I took my time making a pretty swell layout yesterday at 6 in the morning. It looked great. The people loved it.

The check they gave me will pay for that fine.

I’m fine. I really am I’ve got another big table today.

But

Those overreaches keep coming I’m building a tank.

Jk?

Yes of course I’m writing for entertainment purposes only.

Ring my Bell is playing on my headphones right now. Not fitting the mood.

So my If anything triggers you needs healing is quite accurate. I’m not healed by any means but I’m very aware of my triggers. I know how to deal with them for the most part. I let off some steam while my head lets me know that it’s deliberate and not reactionary.

That’s important to me.

For me

I didn’t shut my deli down. Man I sure thought about it though.

I’m full of knee jerks. I always keep that Trapper Keeper in my hands to swing at anything (old school bus bullying reference. Read more of my shit)

I only wrote this to shake out the remnants that were still left in my head from yesterday. I’m good I really am journaling is therapy.

Gotta head to work to get my money back from yesterday.

Peace ☮️

I’m changing my perches around this week. Feet stretched in a front porch wicker chair, coffee and my autistic headphones. Mother by Pink Floyd was my first shuffle this morning. Good cadence for first hour of the morning I slept in a bit by my standards. Sitting in the dark outside with my glasses off, I can hear the birds through my headphones and distant traffic. I live close to the hospital, it’ll be a just a matter of time before I hear ambulance screaming like a banshee. Anytime I hear one my immediate thought to myself is your day hasn’t been that bad if it ain’t coming for you.

My neighbors have a Michigan State flag hanging from their house and with the breeze it resembles some sort of dark albatross flapping its wings against the house. Maybe I need to put my glasses back on.

They have Michigan tags, speak with an accent. My strong deduction is that they’re from Michigan. These are the instincts that keep me sharp. Also bonus points- basketball is always on their tv and the guy slim and 6’4”. Bet he likes basketball.

I’ve honed my instincts over the years.

Jupiter’s Fairie – Johnny Blue Skies (Sturgill) plays in my ears. My favorite track from Passage du Desir. Song written about a man who tries to reach out to an ex girlfriend just to catch up and finds she’s committed suicide.

“I hear there’s faeries out on Jupiter
And there was a time when I knew one
But today I’m feeling way down here on Earth
Crying tears of love in the light of mourning dawn”

I cried when I first truly heard that song. Doesn’t help that I had it on while immersed in meditation. I’m sure I’m not the only one who will mentally scan lyrics in my head while listening to a new song until a few words grab me by the sleeve and says “hey this is some real good shit Chad”

“There’s no happy endings only stories that stop before they’re through” – that one hits hard if you’ve ever lost a love one to suicide.

I liken my taste for music by where I am in my head and life at the time. I don’t jump around genres as much as I used to. Sometimes the music sets the tone for my mood and other times it’s the exact opposite. I love music. All of it. I don’t follow a specific genre if I had to pick one out of all of them it would be grunge. Grunge resonated at the right time. I was meant to experience it in my early 20s when I was freebirding around in my life.

80’s? Best decade of music. There will never be another one like it. Experiencing my teens during that era with MTV is probably why I fell in love with music. It became an everyday part of my life. Jamboxes, portable music. Life without music is like a biscuits without gravy.

Sturgill Simpson captured me well over a decade ago with Metromodern Sounds. An album packed with references to ego, third eye, DMT, religion, awareness all in a honky tonk vibe. He’s progressive, hates big labels, corporations and dances to his own tune.

My kinda guy.

Outlaw, progressive and alt country. Add a twist of psychedelic, hard rock and bluegrass. He released a complete anime movie with Sound and Fury, it was amazing.

Metro was probably my favorite album of his. Until last week when he released Mutiny after Midnight.

This album fucks. Almost literally

Johnny (Sturgill’s first name is John) released this album on physical release only at the moment. That means you can only hear it on vinyl, CD or Tape. It’ll eventually release in digital format. I’m sure of it. I preordered the vinyl the day it was announced. It was taking too long to arrive so I went looking for it at the local record shop and found a copy. Bought it one day before my original purchase arrived. So now I have two copies.

Best album so far.

Best

One

There are no skips on this album. The only thing that pisses me off is I have to flip the record over while I’m trying to get my boogie on.

Think Waylon Jennings and Earth Wind and Fire had a child and that child made an album.

Progressive, funky, sexy

First track is “Make America Fuk again”

“I got that Hunter Biden energy I’ll make a hooker fuck around and fall in love” 🎶

My favorite track so far is probably Viridescent.

“Watched you grow from a princess to a queen
I wanna drown in your brown velvet dopamine”

I don’t fanboy celebrities. I enjoy their content if it’s my thing I see most celebrities as asshats who are clueless to the norms of society. My favorite musician of all time is Eddie Van Halen and I have no doubt he was quite the shithead to be around.

Best guitarist in the world. His music hit me right at puberty. I have a picture of us together. I don’t worship him. I just dig his music.

People give me hell for being a Tom Cruise fan. Sorry but he puts out bangers for movies. He’s a good actor, he kills it in Collateral, Top Gun is one of my all time favorites and I’ve seen all Mission Impossibles in the theatre. His Cameo in Tropical Thunder is the best part. Would I want to hang out with Tom? Probably not but he’s a fucking weirdo but dude does his own stunts and work ethic is primo.

I respect the player that’s all

Sturge/Johnny? Now that’s a guy I’d go on a cross country road trip with. Talk philosophy and psilocybin. Our views align. No I’m not writing a Dear Stan letter I just dig his vibe is all.

I just looked up and saw some cotton candy in the sky.

Sun’s up, time to play.

Later gators.

I moved my journaling to a remote area this morning I’m currently on a bench swing overlooking the mighty Reedy at Falls park- the most photographed area in Greenville. I spent my morning walk getting a little more intimate with my fujifilm I bought for myself earlier in the year. I’ve brought it out to play only two or three times since I’ve bought it. I’m taking deliberate steps to learn the basics of this camera slowly. I’m an impatient person when it comes to learning new things which can cause me to get frustrated and put my new toys down. Phone cameras are easy you only have to hold your phone and take the pic. Easy access to filtering and cleaning up the photos. By my standards I’ve managed to take some pretty solid photos with my phone. I love the art of photography, even better when it comes with a little story. I’m honing my eye to see things from a different perspective and lens. You don’t really have to think when you take a phone photo. Cameras are a little more deliberate even digital ones. I like to pause and ponder why I’m about to take this photo.

Why does it stand out to me?

Vibrance?

Color?

Artistry?

I love homes filled with photos. I don’t care if they are crafted inside professional frames or bent old photos stuck to your fridge by a magnet.

Every photo tells a story. I share mine through journaling all I want to do is add some visuals to enhance my stories. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do and in January I said screw it and bought my Fuji film 30 max volume XT5 Tokyo Drift. That was a joke I can’t recall what model I bought I do know it has a series of Roman numerals and a GT or XT. Did I mention I’m new at this?

My morning was spent taking photos of neon signs around downtown. I’m a branding guy I love electric signs the older the better. Put me on a street with atomic midcentury era signs and I’ll stay for the day. My photography skills are dime store energy right now. Hence my inserted patience. I won’t get flustered it’ll progress with time and practice. My favorite thing to do when I get impatient with any new craft is to peruse pics my charcuterie boxes the first two months I was open. I cringed when I made them, I grimaced when sent them out. After about 100 of them my muscle memory sort of clicked and my hand and eye coordination started collaborating and working together. I stopped seeing it as food and it became geometry.

Shapes in a box

Edible jigsaws

Refrigerated legos

After that it was no longer how to put fancy food on a plate it became tiling a board with different shapes and pieces. Pick your focal points and freestyle the rest. I did that just yesterday with a 10 foot board. My “apprentice” Brody who does my boxes when I’m out of town helped me with my table yesterday. Normally I handle all customs and have him handle the big boxes. If you got a big daddy on a holiday real good chance he made it. I reckon he made about a 100 in December last year. The kid’s got good cadence and better knife skills than me. He’s patient too you can’t rush this type of work. We was one of my sous’ at Southern and LTO. He also works at Society. When I’m on vacation he’s Chad until I come back.

He’s never done a grazing table before. I’m slowly acclimating him so I don’t have to turn down a big catering if I’m out of town. He did all the side components for the table yesterday. He’s learning some good skills. I don’t intend on doing charcuterie into my 60’s. I’ll pass this along to someone when I’m done if they want it. It’s good money if you have the stamina. So far Brody has the most capability of making it his should that ever happen. His real name is Brady btw I’ve been calling him Brody for so long it feels weird calling him by his real name. His older sister used to nanny for our daughter when we’d go to the beach. She also helps with the deli part time. When you come across good people it’s healthy to keep them around just to make life better. I’d say both of them have done that and more.

Back to the camera.

I spent my early morning finger flicking tiny camera dials in different lighting while wrapping my head around apertures and the letter F. I’d switch back and forth to standard and auto I don’t want to get lazy or comfortable at one level. I self taught myself how to cook I think I can do the same with this.

I walked around DT with my mini Patagonia sling bag, headphones and camera bouncing around in my hand. I look ridiculous but my mind is pinging like “this fits like a glove”

My trail marker stamp of approval

This is the way

A nomadic vibe attached to self expression

It truly does fit me

Random thought -old school hip hop is a great soundtrack for morning walks. I’ve got 3rd Bass beat boxing with the sun rising on my backside.

“Herbalz in yo mouth” 🎶

The weebles wobble but I dabble in verbals

Some of you kids will never experience the egg shaped 70’s action figures.

Weebles, the armless and legless authority on tenacity. They may wobble at times but they’ll never fall. They do break if you throw them hard enough. I was a bit of a tyrant when I was little.

I’ll have to find another bench should I make a habit of this. Eastern sunrise is burning a hole in my right cornea. Time to move on.

Today will be spent close to home. No adventures today it’s a rest day and I intend on milking it for all its glory.

Peace ☮️

My daughter likes a boy.

There I said it.

She’s 16 the hormones are harmonizing. Everyday I see her she’s an inch taller and her voice hits a different octave. This is a part of her life that I will sit on the sidelines and cheer for her. Yeah I know I’ve been throwing threats online since the day an ultrasound revealed I was going to be a girl dad.

All the threats.

I have no intention of ever harming someone’s child. I never have. There’s no scare tactics, no chest thumping or any of that shit. He’s a kid. He likes my daughter. That right there tells me he’s a smart kid.

As a father I am my daughter’s protector. I assumed that role the day she was born. I do it dutifully. I do it with love not violence. I don’t want her associating her father with violence regardless of the situation. She’s never seen me lay a hand on anyone and I’d like to think we could go the rest of our lives without it.

I like watching her face light up when she talks about her friend.

It’s puppy love for now y’all. I remember the first time I held a girl’s hand and my first kiss. All in the same night. I was also 16 and absolutely terrified of the opposite sex. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. No I don’t look back on it with any romantic capacity we were kids. It was my junior prom I treated my date like a porcelain doll. I didn’t want to drop and break her, I also did my best not to shake when I held her hand. I remember the warmth, my stomach knotting. I danced like no one was watching, made sure she never had to get her own punch and walked her to back to her door of her cousin’s house where she was staying that night. I brought her home 5 minutes early so her father wouldn’t kill me.

He told me he was going to if I did..

He was joking of course. He was a large man to me but I liked him. I’m actually friends with her on Facebook. She married her high school sweetheart and has been together ever since.

Good folk all around. Her father passed about a decade ago and I reached out to her on messenger and told her the story of his brief convo with me when I picked her up.

Like I said, good folk.

I’m actually friends with most of my exes on here.

I want my daughter’s first introduction into this type of thing to be a positive one. I don’t want her looking over her shoulder wondering when dad will insert his machoism into her life. I’m just the door guy. I check the ID, make sure you’re not carrying anything dangerous and dressed accordingly.

As long as you keep your hands off the staff you’re fine. I could’ve used a better word there.

He’s polite

He takes his shoes off when he comes over

Most importantly he’s respectful towards my daughter. Another plus he likes Johnny Cash. You get extra credit for that one kid.

I want my kid to live a normal life. Love is a part of it. Heartbreak is another important part of it. The first one is always the hardest as is the last. I’ll be there if and when she needs her dad. I’m her protector I’m her big brother too.

Her mother is her confidant, her best friend. We all have two best friends. The one who’s always down for adventure, break shit with, jump off cliffs and high five. The other one is the tell everything friend, the one that lets you cry on their shoulder, checks in on you on a bad day, keeps you straight when you want to go crooked. It’s easy to see which is which with our parenting. It’s the mom you really have to worry about. I’ve almost had to step in between her and some mean teens.

Mama bears are more fierce. Like I said I’m just the door guy. She seems to like the kid too.

I just want my daughter to be happy and live a normal life. I still move all the pointy things out of her path when she walks. This is the only project my ADHD will never allow me to put down or lose interest.

They played video games in our spare room and laughed.

I remember bringing over my first adult girlfriend to my mom’s house when I was 19. We sat on my bed and watched a movie before I took her back home. My mother said she liked her because all she heard was us laughing the whole time we were together.

I get it now.

I know my little girl’s heart will get broken on day. You ride a bike enough eventually you’re gonna fall off. I’ve fallen off a lot of bikes. It never got easier. I’m done with those heartbreaks ma’am y’all can keep em.

I’ve been on both sides they both suck.

But I will be there for her if and when it happens. To show her how to discard the scars over time. Hopefully

I’m excited for my child’s future adventures. I’m slowly pushing the hovering helicopter away.

That’s a tough one for me. There are no handbooks to follow here. A smile for my kid is a smile for me.

That’s all.

Peace.

I’m comfortable in saying this without trying to author some sort of narrative. I could stand next to my 50 year old self and strongly acknowledge that we are almost two completely separate people now.

I’ve evolved.

I’m still evolving in fact I think I’m just beginning to really find my rhythm in this skin.

The same topics don’t interest me

I don’t engage with the same people anymore. I rarely interact with most of my friends. We don’t hang out anymore.

I don’t like some of my old go to music like I used to. Tv shows and movies seem lifeless. If I do watch something it’s usually for nostalgia purposes or background noise. Media altogether.

I don’t wear the same clothes, in fact I think I’m about to go through another style change soon. My current wardrobe has suddenly become obsolete. Can’t explain why. I’m starting to dislike my clothes. Not my style or colors just the meaning of them. Does that make sense? No? Same for me.

I don’t eat the same as I used to. Foods are losing their luster.

Obviously my lifestyle changes make new opportunities and different paths.

I used to fear death. Now I really don’t believe in it. We are bundles of energy. Bodies in a never ending cosmos.

I’ve become obsessed with me. Analysis, remembering, understanding.

I’m seeking my ticks. Sought my toks

This isn’t an ego thing it’s quite the opposite. The more I release my ego the more I remember.

My favorite time of day is the first two hours of my morning. Distractions haven’t arrived yet. I’m alone with myself. I’m writing and thinking about me.

Cutting out the drunk in me started this I have no doubt. Actually getting removed from the service industry was step one. That was my stake.

Service industry was the stake. The alcohol was the chain, the leash tied to the stake.

Or is it like the chicken and the egg? Was it the stake or the chain?

I needed to be severed from the stake first. The alcohol was the chain. The alcohol created the worn out circle around the stake. My limited perimeter of experience. I stayed within that perimeter for decades.

Tethered mentally and physically

Three decades to be exact. Chain around my neck. Walking in circles. Seeing the same things in my peripheral, thinking the same thoughts. An NPC for most of my life. Always with an asterisk.

*this isn’t me

*I don’t fit here

*how do I escape?

A concentration camp of limited thought

When I left the industry the chain broke but I wouldn’t leave the circle I had worn out in the dirt. Not until I put the bottle down. When I put the bottle down for good I stepped out of that circle.

Now

Everyday I feel something different.

Everyday I think differently

I see things differently

My mind highlights new things

My algorithms have changed

I don’t say the same things anymore.

I’m changing

I’ve changed. I wrote about this same thing about a year ago.

It still holds true. You think you’ve reached a stopping point but you find another direction of spectrums.

You analyze your loops

You breakdown your emotional state for fun

You daydream more. Not fantasy but balance.

I used to do things so people would recognize me, remember me. Now I’d rather disappear into my own little space.

I enjoy peace over substance

If there’s any downside to some of this it’s I don’t handle loud noises well anymore. I can’t sit in crowded rooms or bars. Heavily populated venues make me uncomfortable. People for the most part make me uncomfortable. I feel their energy and presence more now. It overwhelms me. People aren’t as happy as they used to be. Certain gatherings are fine but overall I feel the uneasiness. I sound flaky but it’s true. I’ve become hyper aware of my nervous system.

You gotta keep it regulated 🎶

Offspring lyric reconfigured I do this a lot. That part of me will never change.

I used to do things to impress others but now I do it to impress me. It’s not what you think I’m not trying to bench 300lbs for my ego or look fancy in a mirror but I am trying to change my look in my inner mirror.

You know when you’re doing something right or wrong. You know it before you do it. I’m changing my actions to automatically make better decisions. It’s harder than you think. I fall on my face a lot. I trip over my own words.

But

I acknowledge it now. I don’t embrace my mistakes or the feelings that follow. I acknowledge, respect my choices and learn. Own them and move on.

Stop harping 🪉

Oh don’t worry I’ve still have a lot of broken pieces to clean up.

But at least I broke free from that chain.

Man I’m telling you the pursuit of finding yourself is what life is about. I’m within grasp. I know where I fall short on most things now. Some I can and will fix. Others are apart of me that I must embrace and that’s where the balance comes together.

Peace

And

Acceptance

=

Balance

Think I’ll go for a walk in the rain.

Later gators.

A hard rain is gonna fall in the upstate today according to the meteorologist machine. I’m sitting cocked in an electric recliner enjoying a cup of coffee made with water I’m not accustomed to. I don’t mind beach water coffee to me coffee has better flavor with a hint of salt.

I’m temporarily dissociating with life in a two bedroom condo in Isle of Palms. I haven’t been out of town in a while.

Went for a Long Beach walk (autocorrect is capitalizing assumptions here) yesterday while my feet crushed the sand with the occasional run in with upside down seashells that I refer to as beach legos. It may rain here soon I’m trying to decide if I want to brave the rain for a walk. It’s 62° I’m not concerned about hypothermia but I’m also trying to avoid discomfort at any levels.

The island is quiet. My morning is quiet. My stomach is the only thing making noise this morning I eat like there’s no tomorrow when I come to the beach and my stomach isn’t enjoying my decisions.

Normal day eating routine- no food until at least 10am. Fruit, nuts, yogurt and or granola.

Lunch I may eat half a sandwich or I’ll graze on some cold cuts with a cracker or two, my stomach is leaning towards the gluten free thing. Or it’s all the glyphosate.

Probably the glyphosate

And then for dinner I tend to eat whatever is thrown at me. Take out rotation or the three meals we cook at home.

Day one here?

Two double espresso coffees

Apple fritter

Chicken and egg biscuit

Assortment of chips throughout the day

Pizza slice with wings

M&Ms (any bag size is one serving size with me)

Dinner – chili cheeseburger with fries and some queso dip.

Pretty sure I had a cookie after dinner.

If I were to walk into the water there would be a whale sighting confirmed shortly.

I do this every time I’m at the beach. Pairs well with taking my shirt off. I don’t do it when I go on cross country trips. You don’t take bathroom breaks for granted when you’re in the middle of nowhere.

Also I’ve never been a walk around with your shirt off type. I’ve always found it odd when I see guys getting out of their car to pump gas with no shirt on. Or when I watch videos online and see dudes casually sitting on the sofa with a beer can in their hand while shirtless.

Especially in the summer months in the south.

On leather upholstery

All I can see is your hairy back oil soaking into the fabric. You ever wonder why old bed pillows turn yellow?

You’re welcome.

If you’re one of those people you be you. I’m only saying that I’m indeed not one of those people.

Also some of you should always have your shirt on in public..

Sorry

tangent

Alligator country is wild. Everyone just walks around while eating dipping dots with mammal eating reptiles hiding in the bushes and water sizing you up to see if you’re worth the meal effort. I’m not one to be walk around in fear of the local wildlife but I do enjoy having all my toes attached. Still I’d rather see a large gator over a grizzly any day.

Anyone else have to pack sound when they travel? Residing in the south your entire life you pick up some sleeping habits over time. Not every home had hvac in the 70s. You had shaking window units and or box fans in the windows. I’ve always went to bed with a soothing hum in the background. Sleep is a challenge without it now. We travel with a tiny speaker that specifically plays brown or fan noise while we sleep. Can’t bring the home oscillating fan it’s a tad obnoxious to pack. Small fans pack small sounds. I use a phone app when I camp for fan sounds. I keep it at a low level I still need to hear what’s around me but those whippoorwills are obnoxious at night. Wildlife doesn’t adhere to noise ordinance. There’s no nature hoa.

Sleep in complete silence? Do I look like a psychopath?

During a cloudy pause down here I drove to the local REI in Mt Pleasant to kill sometime. REI is a store I visit a lot. I’m in the Greenville one once a week and I’ll drive to the one in Asheville once a month. “

REI is too expensive”

Not really they all cost about the same it’s not REI that’s expensive just some of the brands they represent. I’ll never buy arcteryx brand shit it’s ridiculous. I go for their returns. Most of my gear has been bought slightly used.

Everyone in the Greenville store recognizes me. They’re always friendly but I’m the type that likes to duck in and duck out when I go shopping. I don’t need assistance in fact I’d rather not have assistance. I know it’s polite protocol to acknowledge a regular. I do it at the deli it’s the correct form of hospitality. For me? Just smile and say hey and I’m good. Don’t follow me around the store I hate it.

I’ll leave.

I ran into the store manager from Greenville he’s now the manager of the one in Pleasant. Great guy super nice. We chatted for a few minutes and we went about our day. He must’ve made a few employees aware that a “regular” was present because after that I had about a half dozen employees aware of my wandering. Lots of engagement.

Great hospitality. I’m grateful. I really am. I just hate it.

I spent an hour there. It was raining. I grew up reading Sears catalogs. I like to slowly peruse the aisles. I like to touch merchandise, hold it in my hands. I don’t buy clothes without trying them on. I’m a physical shopper.

Leave me to my tidings. Buying that giant camper for my truck without ever seeing one up close was a big deal for me. I still have one more week or so.

I need sand on my feet. The salty air is calling.

Peace.

Waking up would be a better introduction. I stayed up until 11 last night to watch a concert which is around 2 hours later than normal for me. I was close to emulating a Snicker’s commercial I was about 5 minutes away from going full diva.

I like my sleep y’all. I will be extra extra to work with today. Speaking of extra I received a phone call for a last minute grazing table in Fountain Inn for this afternoon. Wasn’t on my schedule until yesterday afternoon. Today will be fun.. I’m grateful for the opportunity a friend that also does charcuterie is thoughtful enough to send business my way when she’s not available. Very classy.

I head to Charleston right after we drop the table off.

I may have signed my deli lease on this day. I’m not sure if that means my lease just hit year 2 out of 3 I haven’t looked at it since the day I signed it. I didn’t announce my new business until early April.

Just looked at it. Yep I’ve got one year left.

Tic tok you don’t stop stop.

I always have in my mind that it’s closer to July only because that’s when I opened and started paying the lease.

It’s fine

I’m fine

I use my Facebook memories to check in my old self. Where my mind was at the time.

Was I drinking when I posted that? Most likely I always liked to speak online after about 4 vodkas. It also makes it real easy when I see others that like to do the same.

Better you than me bud.

Most of my posts I’m publicly expressing my frustrations with my daily life. I do my best to keep that energy down a tad nowadays I don’t like authoring my complaints all the time. It’s unhealthy. Getting things off your mind is healthy it’s just not intended to be megaphoned online. That’s the reason I took down my recent post about current events. I’m making noise and throwing it into the media cauldron. I’m not making a difference I’ll get people who agree to agree and piss off the ones who don’t.

I may have verbally attacked a few of our politicians online that evening. I don’t get how some of you read their posts and think “man, we ARE the greatest country in the world”. I no longer see politicians I see actors. Terrible ones. But boy some of you online will defend them like it’s your family. I’ve got a dozen screenshots to prove it. About the only thing I’m more comfortable doing than charcuterie is trolling people online. I deleted a lot of shit that night. I don’t need another person trolling my business because I called them an asshat online. The ones that use the term snowflake are usually the ones that trigger the easiest.

I’m watching my emotions closely this time of year. 6 years ago I’d have my last real high volume brunch at Southern. In three more days I’d be hugging my employees while we closed the restaurants down for Covid.

I made peace with that episode of my life mentally. It’s all good. What I’ve never made peace with are the powers that be at that time.

I sure hope a reckoning comes to them in the healthiest of ways. If you still think that Covid was random then we will have to agree to disagree. After the past couple of months your eyebrow should at least be raised.

Covid existed. I don’t deny it. It killed my mother. So whenever I hear echos of others that may have encouraged such a debacle to happen. Well it’s not healthy.

I lost the last tiny bit of trust I had for our government. There wasn’t much to begin with.

Anyway

I like tying things together when my paths tend to cross over annual happenstances.

6 years ago on this day I got into a big fight with my old partner. A big fat one. Things were tense to begin with for a bit. The upcoming germ just added to the fire. It would be the first time in my head that I thought “this isn’t working out anymore”.

Mentally I stepped away on this day. The upcoming months would solidify it.

Had Covid not come I’m not sure if it would’ve made a difference it might’ve only prolonged the inevitable. I’m not harping on this anymore I’m mapping comparisons it’s something I like to analyze.

The first month of COVID I was filled with anxiety and uncertainty. Same as the first month of signing my lease at Graze.

The same time I was building my deli I was building back Southern. I was fading away trying to rebrand three restaurants. The deli, I was pushing myself overboard building it out solo. There were many days I sat on that floor in tears asking why I was putting myself through this again. I was not in a good mental state. Failure was still fresh in my head. I was getting a lot of flashbacks in those two months. In retrospect I should’ve had help with building it out but for some reason my trail markers (that I didn’t recognize at the time) insisted that I took care of this on my own.

“Struggle will turn into strength” I recall thinking without really thinking.

I have no doubt in my mind that struggle helped with my alignment with my consciousness and ending my reckoning with myself. It was eye opening. That said I’d rather not go through that again.

I reopened Southern around the same time I opened the deli. To add a little more spice I got covid for the first time over the week it (deli) opened.

I’ll add one more and then move on because you get the point. When Helene hit I had the deli closed for the week due to a power outage. No work for an entire week. In 2020 I was on vacation in Maine. I would never return to work for my company. The same day I parted with SC is the same day I reopened my deli after Helene.

Social media archives are great when utilized for memory recall.

Is this some mystical thing Chad? Nah I don’t think so but it’s fun to watch when history repeats itself. Maybe there is some sort of cosmic connection with the stars I’m not familiar enough to know.

They always say history repeats itself. As I look at my upcoming vacation being the same time as last year. Same state too. I could go back to 2021 of that same exact time. Wasn’t the best summer of my life for sure. 2021 will go down as one of my least favorite summers. It was a struggle trying to find my way with my career, family and mental health.

But

It was the summer my mind told me to stop drinking.

“Struggle will be you strength”

Same person told me that, he was only whispering at the time.

Glad I finally started listening.

I had a good time with my fam last night. I’m meeting them in Chuck town after work. Charleston is where my little family began.

Now that’s some history worth repeating.

I’ve got about 12 feet of food to design. Time to go

Peace ☮️