Bearded Gang

This week has been on man. It’s been a challenging one. I’m not a “I’m being tested” kind of person but if I was I’d like to turn in my quiz now.

Life ebb and flows and mine is or was ebbing. I say was because I just woke up I have the whole day ahead of me. My intentions are to carry on like I’m meant to and not walk around with my nervous system shoulder pads on.

I intend to raw dog this day like a champ. I’d prefer the day to follow suit.

Hard to describe why I’m not functioning well the last two days. I’m not on here this morning to expound my pain or harp on bad moments. I’ve had much worse days. I’ve had much better. Perspective flows better if you can set emotion aside.

I’m terrible with that. My mom’s nerves have decided to hang out with me for the week. She even brought her duffel bag and toiletries.

Im gonna ride this storm out like Lt. Dan on a shrimp boat.

Wait for the flow to arrive

In my head I tell myself “it’s not burnout you’re only craving freedom from the grind”

Even my kid can sense my gears grinding

It’s a phase I recognize this doesn’t make it easier sometimes. You put in a lot of mental work to fix things in your head and somedays you fall off the ladder. I had a good string going for quite some time.

I’m fine I really am I just don’t feel my regular energy. It’s like someone switched out my personality with some decaf.

Bitch

Maybe it’s my coffee brand.

Random thought but I think my coffee stays warmer longer in white mugs. I prefer white mugs over any other mug color. They also have to be a certain size and shape. I’ll turn down a coffee if it’s in a giant mug, dry clay texture, weird color or if the handle is misshapen.

Don’t get me started on spoons.

I’m just going through one of those “what’s the point” moments. I’m not a fan of them. Mental mud that sticks to my tires and splatters all over me. Head snakes that hiss when I’m trying to cool off. They used to be much worse. And I can feel them slowly fading but this day needs to be better. Period

Had a woman in front of me balancing her checkbook at the register at Publix and I almost put her in my trunk. That’s the old Chad I’m trying to dispose of. Positive side I don’t have a trunk.

Moving on

I think we are going to put up our Christmas tree right after Halloween. Pre turkey day. This will be a first. My wife has already received her proper fancy gift wrapping accessories so it’s game on. I’ve mentioned in past blogs how I’ve gotten back to embracing Christmas after losing the spirit for almost a decade. I’m excited for the early Christmas intrusion. I’m sure the cats are too..

I’m just writing to release today. I know in the next few weeks I’m going into a charcuterie cave for a bit and you won’t see much of me other than when I’m folding salami and timelines as my AI once said. My coffee is already cold. I knew I should’ve used a white cup.

Sometimes I break my work vows and schedule charcuterie on Sundays to help people out. I don’t like my boxes sitting in fridges for two days so I offer to make arrangements on my days off. That’s the hustle part that takes over. It means I have to stick around work with no release. My wife knowing this better than anyone has offered to do it instead. It’s a mental investment for her. She gets to relax knowing her hubby isn’t grinding his teeth.

It’s a true representation of 20 years of being together.

Charcuterie season puts me in my next year travel destination aura. When I’m knee deep in boxes at 4am I’m also in my truck sitting on my tailgate in a new spot. I dream of new places to see. Or some of my greatest hits.

Next year on my mind is Tetons, Wind River range and maybe Yellowstone. Or a long stay in Colorado for adventure. Idaho but it’s a trip and a half and glacier needs to be revisited but that drive man oof.

So Tetons and or CO. I see trip to the Adirondack mtns too. I’ve only barely touched the edges. Maine could be revisited I love a good lobster roll. We shall see.

Kyrie eleison and all that.

My mother always talked about her “nerves”. Not a “you’re getting on them” type of person my mother spoke of them in a way like you’d refer to your hair on a humid summer day or a head cold.

If she got upset she would point out it’s because of her nerves.

Frazzled? Nerves

Angry? Nerves

Can’t sleep? Nerves

Sofa the wrong color? Nerves

Cobweb over the corner of the tv? Nerves

And so on.

She could have some emotional outbursts you’d never see coming. I had some friends of mine go to the lake with me back in ‘92. We stopped at my parents house because I had some stuff stored in their garage I wanted to grab on the way to the lake. My parents were out on the road (my stepfather was a long distance truck driver). One of my friends left a beer bottle in the side of the yard when we left for the lake. My mother found this beer bottle and called me immediately. When I answered I thought someone in our family died from the sobs coming from my mother. Nope. She was just pissed off that I allowed someone to have a beer at her home. She thought I had thrown a party. I was 21. Hadn’t lived at home in almost 4 years.

She also called me when my brother OD’d and it was the same exact energy and intensity in her voice.

My mom was an emotional woman. She was an extremely proud woman. If you looked or talked down to her may the good lord have mercy on your soul because she would let you have it. Peggy was spirited. Not violent in any way at least not with her children. She’d cut off an arm before hurting any of us and wouldn’t hesitate to cut yours off if any of you tried.

Peggy was a mama bear true to her word.

Don’t get on her nerves

I had a kid call me a faggot when I got off the school bus when I was 13. She was on the porch and heard the insult flung out of the little drop window of the bus. She wanted him dead. No not “he needs his ass kicked” she wanted him dead. It took her 13 year old son well past dinner time to bring her down. That kid struck a nerve.

Some Piedmont reject catcalled my 18 year old sister while we were shopping at Community Trash one summer afternoon and my mother screeched at him and had her nails out like a jaguar. The man was twice her size. He ran back inside of the grocery store. My mother had some lungs on her.

I love my mother with all of my heart y’all if anyone thinks I’m typing this out with ill intentions you’ll see the Peggy come out of me.

It’s always been “you are your father’s child”

I look like my dad. I have his sense of humor. I have his glare, hair color when I had it, his affinity of the bar life, his body type and even his fake gruffness exterior. I’ve always wanted to be like my old man that’s just how it is when you’re a boy. Or how it should be. I also loved my dad with all of my heart. Both parents even separated loved me as a parent should.

I inherited my father’s sense of humor

I’ve also inherited my mother’s nerves.

I don’t struggle with my sense of humor..

Sometimes when I “time travel” pre bedtime my mind will go for a drive down memory lane. While I camped I did something that reminded me of my mother. I can’t recall at the moment I did journal about so I’ll have to go back and look. It was a fleeting moment, I smiled about it and it may have conjured a tear or two. That’s the thing about being outside with no distractions. Your brain will begin to explore.

My mom flashed into my mind just long enough for me to think about some of the old days. I’ve been going through a rewiring process the last few months so if these memories pop up I sit down and have a watch again and see if I need to make peace or adjustments. This is how I deal with childhood trauma and it works for the most part. You can call it shadow work. I use to alchemize my emotions. It’s a long hard process folks.

I had a bit of an emotional crisis yesterday. Nothing outrageous but I lost control. Something I haven’t done in a while. A bunch of currents going the wrong way at the same time while I tried to swim up the river. I had a great time camping for 48 hours but little things had gotten to me.

To my nerves

I camp on Sunday and Mondays because most of yall don’t. I generally have the mtns to myself. I don’t go anywhere on holidays or mid summer if I don’t have to. I can’t reset in traffic nor can I standing in a long line somewhere. This is not relaxing to me. Not anymore. I had a lot of company in the mountains last week. Leaf peepers peeping, tourists touring. It’s all fine and dandy I don’t let it get to me most of the time. Some hiking areas were closed due to current times and I ended up turning around on my way to Boone because traffic was terrible. I didn’t want to sit in my truck all day. I also had to leave for Greenville at 4:30am because my plans of someone covering a few hours of my deli shift didn’t work out. That wasn’t a big deal but it did trigger a flashback of Southern and the tetherment. So yes, it got to my nerves. Gridlock from a wreck near Black Mountain put me behind half an hour. Came home and my wheel jack wouldn’t jack anymore so I couldn’t get my trailer off of my hitch. Had to grab some bricks and a stump to get it off of my hitch. I maintained poise and took a breath. I was completely fine. Left for the deli with a smile still on my face.

Then I pulled up to my deli and see the sidewalk ripped up again.

That’s when Peggy came knocking on my door.

As I’ve said I’ve inherited my mother’s nervous system.

My nerves erupted. I could feel my jaw clench as I walked in the door. Went to the back to turn off my alarm and my sign was lying sideways in my office. I have an 8 foot wooden sign sticking out of my office awaiting a permit that had been submitted 8 weeks ago. It protrudes into the kitchen. It’s starting to get scuffed and every day it sits there I get a reminder of why I hate all bureaucratic procedures. It came to a head.

*Peggy busts down the door. We have achieved full nervous system end game.

My day immediately turned to shit. Full blown knockout blow. I wasn’t manic but man I was ledging. I work the counter during the week. That means I’m the first face you see when you walk in the deli and my face does not hide emotion. Nor does my body language. I was pitching a fit on the inside while trying to pull a smile out of my ass. Luckily for me I only had about 9 customers all day because my storefront aesthetic reads “we are closed” when there are a half dozen guys with 20 orange barrels working in your parking lot. I’m a pacer when I get into my “nerves” I kept walking around the parking lot trying to figure out the best place to drop a grenade. I was the grenade. I hadn’t spiked like that in a bit. Went home to talk about my day to my wife and found everything coming out of me negative. Even my camping experience that I truly enjoyed for the most part I could only conjure the negative.

My nerves had been struck.

I kept my bundle of nerves on the inside for the rest of the night. No sense it letting bleed onto everyone else.

It’s a brand new day but my nerves are still getting it on. Parking lot will not be ready today I’ve made peace with it but it’s going to be staring me in the face all day to attack my nerves. My very bruised nerves.

I have to have resolution in my life. I don’t leave things open I have to close all doors. If I haven’t made peace with a situation or conversation from 29 years ago I’m still thinking about it. This is why I have my rewiring sessions to make peace with old things. It takes an army of concentration. I’ve patched a lot of holes. Still have a ways to go. I went to bed angry last night. I haven’t done that in months. I wanted to fight someone yesterday and I don’t mean arguing.

I hate when I spike. Boy did I. My colleague Barry got to hear 6 hours of rants in between the 9 customers. I had plenty of free time to get it all out.

I’m fine. Sorta

The come down after my camping didn’t help. Every time I go camping I don’t want to come back.

That’s not what you think it means I love being home with my family more than any camping trip it just means I don’t want to come back from that state of mind. I’ve been teetering on the edge of burnout for a bit.

I’m fine really. I needed to write this to release. It does work. Top it off with having breakfast with my daughter this morning and I can feel my nerves downshifting. My daughter didn’t not inherit her grandmother’s nerves.

I’m grateful for that. She did get her smile though. I’m even more grateful for that. She has her mom’s emotional traits. I could not ask for more.

Today will be better. Regardless it will be. My days are about to be filled with seasonal work while I fight the urge of becoming Ralph Waldo Emerson. I’m changing my camping dynamics soon hopefully. That’s a whole ‘nother gear to grind. It’s another thing I got from my mom. She liked to change things up constantly, move things around in her surroundings. Ever wonder why my deli looks different each time you walk in?

Thanks mom.

I don’t mind it actually. I embrace it. Keeps things from getting stale. God I hate stale. The older I get the more I go from

“this is just who you are”

to

“don’t let this define you, it’s how you respond to it that builds you”

Baby steps. Just like my mom taught me how to walk.

I’ve been in a mental rut this past week or so. Could be a little longer I suppose I haven’t paid much attention to my stagnant state of mind until recently. Lethargic would fit this bill.

Pensiveness loading maybe. I don’t know man. Nothing seems to fit, my toe still hurts from smashing it two or three week ago. Deli hasn’t been my favorite place lately. I’m in between compliance and wanting to change all my things. I’m fickle as they get y’all but sometimes you have to throw out your life wardrobe and start over again.

Once again I’m feeling change coming about me. Often times it’s comfortable and I keep my flow but sometimes it’s like a big itch I can’t scratch and here we are.

Right now

I’ve been trying to disassociate with social media and I watch my business drop significantly. I could only be my timing but it gets in my head when it does this. I quit writing so much about the deli because work Chad needs a break during this time of year. It’s not a big deal I’m coping with the upcoming box orders this season. Work for me? Somedays it’s hunky dory and other days I’m staring off into my office asking myself “what’s next?” not because I’m ready for the deli phase to move on because I’m really not prepared for that. Something keeps yanking my chain that there’s more that I’m suppose to do and the deli is temporary.

Big fat trail marker blocking my pathway.

Or lighting it up. Either way I ain’t going backwards again.

I’m not meant to

Who’s telling me this? Man that’s a good question. Whoever is posting the trail markers. He’s terrible with communication.

I’m about to go on a camping gear purge. Doesn’t mean I’m slowing down my hobby or cutting back. My guy in me is encouraging me to cut back on material things. I love my camp toys. I love my hobby inventory. I just get carried away sometimes.

Put my trailer up for sale if anyone wants it. It’s on marketplace. I feel like I’m selling my friend. My second home. It feels necessary. It may not sell. If it doesn’t I’ll keep it. I can haul a lot of gear and it’s a great set up if you like having a hub while you camp for a week. I’m not writing this to sell my trailer. but sorta am

When I first started camping out of my truck it was just me and my truck bed. A cooler, duffel bag, yeti box for camp cooking and a Coleman stove. And a chair. Sometimes my tailgate was my chair. I’d pull up to a campsite, open my tailgate pull out my chair and cooler that would double as a table top and that was it. 5 minutes tops I was done. My memories popped up of when I went to Colorado for 8 days in 2020 and I slept on a futon mattress in the back of my truck bed.

Probably my favorite trip. Not because of the setup but more the simplicity and freedom. I’d pull over in the middle of nowhere and hang out of my truck tailgate. Sip on a few vodkas and watch the sunset. Dinner was a quick MRE over my Coleman and then I’d drift off in a drunken slumber. I miss some of that obviously not all of it.

I miss that feeling. Not the vodka part the placement of that sentence wasn’t the best. I mean I miss the vodka too I’m an alcoholic but it’s not allowed to play with me anymore. And vice versa.

I’m pushing towards that style again now that I’ve gotten about 30,000 miles of traveling and about 200 days of sleeping around the country.

Not quite the same way I used to do it. I don’t enjoy lying horizontally for hours while it rains outside of my truck. Awning is a must and so is headroom. I’ll also never give up my Jetboil. Just ain’t happenin’.

Falling in love with traveling is like a long distance relationship. No good explanation really other than I love it, I miss it and sometimes it feels like it’s a thousand miles away.

I’m on day two of trying no medias. Yesterday went well until about 4pm when I put some shit for sale on marketplace and scrolled for a bit. I’ll pop on fb to post this and then dissolve back to reality because Facebook ain’t it.

Same shit. Everyday. Ever wondered wtf you used to do with your free time before cellphones? I find myself staring off into my living room abyss. I had my AI break down the Nag Hammadi into gnostic terms for me to decode.

What the fuck are you talking about Chad?

Life’s wild man even when you’re just sitting on your sofa trying to figure out where you’re gonna land next.

Zero anxiety. I’m being truthful. It’s kinda fun wondering where the next train stops. It may not who knows?

I’m in control I’m just not driving the train.

Let me be able to build a campfire wherever it stops.

While it sit on my tailgate.

This anniversary is a newish one to me.

It turns 5 today. I’m not hyper aware of it like it used to be. I don’t harp on it like I did. Man did I used think about this day every single day for months and even years. It turned up in my social media memories when I reached back to 2020 and my mind did a quick “oh yeah that was today”. I’m currently reflecting back on it as I write this. When I’m done I’ll go back and look at what I’ve written about it in the past and how it compares to now. I’ll graph the changes in my head and if there is anything left to put to rest or discard I’ll do it then. I do this often when I’m writing about substantial events. It allows me to make peace with myself piece by piece. I’ve said this a hundred times, journaling is therapy. Sharing it is even more valuable for me.

I split with my old company today. Approximately 4:15-4:30 Monday September 29th, 2020 I’d sign away 8 years of work and partnership after a brief and heated conversation with my partner. Our partnership wasn’t working out and I made sure I did my best to push it over the edge. I’ve done this in past relationships with others. Once I’ve seen the writing on the wall you can rest assured that I will poke the bear in the room until it roars.

I signed some papers, shook hands after some bitter talk and drove home to let my wife know her 49 year old husband was officially unemployed. It wasn’t a fun conversation. My wife had just lost her job with my company three months before.

I’m not writing this out to attack my old company. That energy is extinguished. It was never really intended in the first place I feel like somethings were said at the wrong time, emotions fueled and rumors were misrepresented. Both sides. There aren’t sides to be had anymore. I’ve made my peace and the ones that mattered have done the same. As I said when my old partner passed last year my outlook was shaken and I made it a point to never speak ill about my old company again.

And I haven’t. While there still remains a small handful of folk who I won’t be having dinner with anytime soon, I’ve closed that chapter and reached out to the ones that mattered to me.

I spent the first two months of my unscheduled freedom drunk on my sofa. I did take a little siesta out to Colorado for some soul searching. It was beneficial but I stayed drunk the whole time I was gone.

I’d walk around my yard blowing leaves around for weeks. Trying to keep my sanity. It had already left the room months ago.

I’ve told this story a dozen times. I survived. It took a minute to get back on my feet but I did.

1825 days.

No grills, no fryers, hoods, schedules, inventory counts, brunch meltdowns, no shows, financial meetings, P&Ls.

1825 days

Healing, coping, recovery, sobriety, learning to love again.

I was forced to reckon with myself. Took a year away from the system that I loved to realize it was the key to my self destruction.

In three months time we’d sell our toxic family home. We lost so much equity in that house but we had to leave. We needed a new start in our relationship, everything tied to Southern had to go.

We downsized to a tiny 2 bedroom house that we currently rent.

And then I put the bottle down.

Life got better then. Our marriage improved because I needed to improve. Chadcuterie was able to pay the bills while also giving me some freedom to live. Southern could never do that. We were always a paycheck away from being broke. 4 car repos in one year back in 2016. What a time to be alive.

It was part of being in that system. The only system I knew. Controlled chaos was my mantra for years. YEARS. The system will own you. The only way to break free is to leave it all behind. And that’s what I did. Step by step. I had offers to partner up and do it all over again but my intuition said no. Every waking moment while I was working out of that little kitchen at Birds my mind was screaming “YOUR BETTER THAN THIS” but my intuition said otherwise. I needed to be humbled to know what I was looking for. To understand what I was missing.

Throwing solo fits in that little corner of the brewery. Crying when I knew no one was watching. I was exactly where I needed to be even though my pride tried to reject it.

Humility

Hard pill to swallow

I grew up. 50 years it took me. Still taking me but I’m much MUCH better now. Still learning to not be an asshat at times.

I was forced out of the system that I had built. Man I was angry. Now I want to shake his hand again and thank him for saving my life.

My real life.

Man I like this guy so much better and my fam will tell you the same. I’m about to have a coffee date with my daughter this morning. I’m gonna fiddle with my camping gear ( a hobby formed after my release). When I look in the mirror I see a completely different person. I always smile at him because Goddamit he’s earned that smile.

Anyhoo

The last 5 years have been quite the journey. The pursuit of happiness has a trail y’all. You won’t find it looking for it. Don’t think you’ll stumble across it either. It’ll find you if you allow it to. Just gotta slow things down until it does.

Hustling is waaaaay overrated. It comes with the cost of sacrifice. Sacrificing your life to make life better.

What a fucking paradox.

Today I’ll have breakfast with my daughter and I’ll smile the whole time because I’ve gotten to watch her grow up the last 5 years instead of having to plug holes in dams. I’ll have my second coffee when the wife wakes up and we get to chat in our little home about things that aren’t work. I may read a book or just sit in silence for a few hours. I no longer try to take over the world. You can have it.

My cat is resting beside me. If I could purr along with it I would. In a way I suppose I am.

Life can throw some ridiculous shit at you sometimes. When it seems like it’s the end of the world that’s when things start to turn.

Don’t fight it. Ride it out. Let your soul do the rest.

That’s all I got. ☮️

I buried a squirrel in my front yard yesterday. Something got ahold of it and wounded it beyond saving. I saw it lying in my driveway and it appeared dead but once I inspected it still had some life in it. It was suffering and dying. I use the means necessary to put it out of its misery and gave it a proper burial. I drive past probably a dozen dead squirrels a day on my commute to work. North main is full of them. This one got to me a little bit.

I’d say I’ve softened up over time. I made a pact about 8 months ago that I would no longer hurt anything anymore. Deliberately that is. All this means is bugs get taxied out of my home on dust pans, I allow spiders to spider, if some little varmint gets in my home I re home it in my neighbor’s yard.

Just kidding

Barely

All creatures have souls and should be treated as such.

Moving on.

One year ago today I’d be waking up at 3am to listen to transformers explode, trees falling and wind trying to blow my roof off my house. Sitting in the eye of a category 5 hurricane when you’re 200 plus miles off of the coast is a wild experience. I’m not telling yall anything you didn’t discover on your own reconnaissance that week. It was insane.

Still is. I often wonder how many of you who didn’t prepare for the catastrophe last time and decided to double up for next go round? I did. I was a little more prepared than most but I wrote down every little detail I overlooked and immediately started stocking up on missed necessities.

I’m no doomsday prepper but I can become one really quick if I have to. The only thing keeping me from having Mylar bags filled with dry goods sealed in buckets is my home is too small to hold it all. I have Mylar bags if needed.

And buckets

I’ve got my setup capacity to take my family 600 miles with food, filtered water and shelter. I can reach Kansas, Texas, Ohio, Maryland without having to stop.

Bought a lifesaver Jerry can that can filter up to 5000 gallons of water. Worst case scenario I can drive to a river for fresh water. I bought two just to be safe. I get a kick out of people who label preppers as paranoid. I don’t prepare for a nuclear war or a even a civil one. My responsibility as a father and husband is to ensure the safety and security of my family. Regardless of situation. If you think the government has that covered let me take you on some walks around a few towns in NC a year later after Helene.

I actually enjoy my little survival skills sidework. It’s a hobby. Some people collect comic books, antiques. I collect gear that will save my ass when the shit hits the fan. I like camping shit. I like gun shit. Pretty soon I’m going to like bow and arrow shit. I could build a lean-to if I had to. I can build a fire in the pouring rain.

I said it last year and I’ll say it again.

If it happened before it’ll happen again. Don’t wait until it’s too late again.

One week without power I watched people getting into confrontations over ice and gas. Lines wrapped around buildings to get propane.

Generators

Chainsaws

Imagine a month cut off from supplies. A month with no clean water. It was 85° and sunny all week.

What if it was 95°?

25°?

I spend a week without luxuries for fun. That week was not a fun one. Not because we suffered. Our biggest discomfort was no AC and no tv to watch. It was the not knowing when things would return to normal.

That freaks people the fuck out. Watching the general population’s body language while they sought out necessities during a time of crisis kept me on my toes.

Buy a couple of extra cans of gas. Not at the last minute. Keep it on hand. Not in the trunk of your Kia for gods sake.

Buy some extra canned food, bulk beans and rice. Powdered things, dehydrated things.

Salt. Lots of it

Water filters. And learn how to filter your own. Not just boil it. Filter it. YouTube is your friend.

Want to die quick? Run out of water. Nature will do the rest. This isn’t a scare tactic it’s common sense. I read somewhere in a national power grid shutdown up to 90% of the population could dissolve in one year.

90%

Ninetyyyyyyyy percent

Write that down.

I’m not saying the power grid will go down but when the government publishes numbers like these it means they’ve done their homework for a reason. Because it’s possible. And with our government?

Probable.

A small decent rechargeable battery and solar panel. $700 jackery at Costco right now. Expensive? Not when you need power. A generator is a must too. Honda makes the best and lightest.

Find your water source y’all.

Back up your pantry. That’s all I’m saying and for fuck sake leave the toilet paper alone. It’s not a necessity. The last thing I think about packing when I go on long camping trips is toilet paper. I won’t break camp for shit wipes. But I’ve left to go find water.

This anniversary is on my mind. It’s like the where were you when the towers fell but only this time I could hear them fall in my backyard. And it killed more people although you’ll never hear it spoken. It’s true. A drive through WNC in October of last year would tell you all you need to know.

Government ain’t here to save you folks. Country is a whole lot easier to manage with less people to feed and maintain. It’s simple economics. If there are handouts available be prepared to stand in line. And watch that line crumble when stock runs out.

No thanks.

Stay prepared.

Peace.

I get in my feels around this time of year about my other child Southern Culture. It opened up on this week back in ‘12. It was 13 years ago but for some reason time doesn’t move the same for me like it used to.

I dissociated with the company in 2020 same calendar month. It’s been five years since I stepped foot in my old kitchen. I spent a little over 8 years there. I put my key in that front door locking mechanism more than anyone to this day. Some days I feel like I just left the restaurant. Like I’m still wearing my faded black Carhartt pants and chef coat. I can remember opening day like it was last month.

The 8 years feels like 20. I obsessed over the feeling of owning my own restaurant for over 6 years before it opened and later I would stew bitterly about my departure. The passing of my old partner and friend Jim last year jolted me back to reality.

I made peace with that bitterness. I caught a lot of shit from Jim about my drinking and the personal recklessness it brought to my personal life. I didn’t want to hear anything about it. It comes with the business I always told him. To survive in this industry you have to embrace the chaos. Control it so it doesn’t break you.

Nah it still gets you. You get so caught up in the process/system that you know longer recognize the trauma getting sown into your soul. I was a gung-ho restaurant employee. I was a soldier in the trenches for years, high level management for a spell and then owner/chef for a decade.

It turned me into a raging maniac. I used to get angry when I reflected that way. Now I’m smirking at my phone.

My expression reflects my peace. That’s a good thing.

I have to grab myself by the mental collar when I think things like “if I opened up one more spot it would be Southern Culture again”. The love is there just not the energy or passion.

Once I realized my life has been chapters of lessons and growth I’m able to reflect rather than to stew.

Like an old relationship with your soulmate that didn’t work out the way you planned.

I’ve been in the new spot a few times it’s still southern to me. It always will be.

I used to stand on that line during brunch and watch all of customers filling the tables and bar and think to myself “you built this”

I also would stand behind the line on a Thursday night with 6 tables in the dining room at 7:00 pm and think the same exact thing.

It was quite a seesaw.

That part I still have head issues with when I feel the same feeling cropping up on a slow deli day. The business always comes back around but I’ve put padlocks on a lot of doors over the years.

I’m still trying to make peace with the head games.

Baby steps

At least I don’t have hangovers in my way.

I had a text the other day that read “my dad would be proud of you” and it got in my feels. As I was building Graze he was in the back of my mind the whole time. “Hey I took your advice and it’s working for me. Look what I’ve done with it”

Oof I’m so much more emotional now than I used to be.

The maniac is waning. He has waned away for the most part.

You were a good man Jim our convos would be a lot different now. You didn’t want me to be “Bam Bam” I get it.

I haven’t written in a while in all honesty I haven’t had much to write about recently. That’s not a negative thing I usually write to release. My energy is on autopilot. I’m not stagnant I’m only still.

Meditation is amazing

Still smirking 🫡

She would be 13 this week. I could sit down and write the entire menu with my eyes closed.

I reflect now with ease. I’ve done my fit pitches and my sad eulogy.

This is an entirely different goodbye. I do these rituals of passage now for certain eras of my life. I write them out and once I’ve acknowledged them for what they are, what they were I close the chapter.

All this means is this is my last time I’m going to write about it. Last time I give it attention on paper and in my mind. I’ve gotten quite good at this I’ve filed away around 15 years of another era of mine recently.

I’ve closed the file on some old childhood traumas, old relationships not because I still yearned for them but because over the years they’ve attached themselves to my character and personality. Writing helps

Trauma release and seal the deal. Acknowledge the scar and move on.

Reflection should be as such. You change the perspective and the reflection goes along for the ride. Your reflection is how you see yourself. You and only you. When you change that perspective it becomes your new history.

You can literally rewrite your entire life story with changing your perspective.

That’s a powerful tool my man.

Southern is no longer a “what if” for me.

When I reflect on it now it’s a little novella of my life that I got to experience and share with some amazing people.

That’s all and that’s a good all yall.

My shoulders feel lighter already.

I’ve managed to release another decade of weight from my body. My morning walk will reflect.

Cheers. Life’s beautiful y’all.

Have you ever written out your experiences in the future?

Yes exactly that.

Wake up in the morning and write out what you’re going to do and how it’s going to go down.

Not just the itinerary but how it’s going to feel. How your body will engage through the emotions and activities.

Scripting out your day from your heart would be a great way to describe it.

I’m going camping in 2 hours ish. I’m taking an old buddy of mine of 35 years. Same one who traveled to Utah with me this past spring. We spent 9 days on the road together so we’ve acclimated as friends for traveling and spending down time together so I know it’s good chemistry. We haven’t even discussed where we are going I’m sure he’s left it in my hands which shows trust that he’s in good hands to wherever I decide. Or hell he might pull up and tell me about a spot he’s always wanted to check out and we’ll go there.

Truly a “dude” moment.

If it’s up to me I’m taking him to my little zen area up in the Linville hills. We’ll find a well shaded spot at the top, set up camp and have some fun fella chats. The weather is supposed to be beautiful so I’m inclined to show him my favorite sunset spot and sunrise seat. He put himself in charge of dinner so it’ll be ribeyes, grilled corn and watermelon for this evening’s course.

If he’s up for it we’ll take a short downhill hike to Babel Tower so he can see the river cut through the gorge or maybe hike up to Hawksbill to see the horizon. If it’s the lake he craves I’ll tie my paddle boards on top and we can float around Lake James for a bit. Old school talks around a solid campfire in the evening, the mountains are going to get a little chilly once the sun drops.

These are the little moments I live for.

No distractions

No net

No problems

Good conversations in nature’s living room.

Breakfast I’ll make some coffee and probably fry up some eggs and bacon. Hell I might even toast something.

Breaking bread in God’s country

It’s going to be a good 24 hours regardless. I’ll own this moment with a smile.

I’ve been writing but not posting lately.

I’ve been in and out of Facebook the last few weeks. I’ll pop in and check some work stuff, check my profile and ghost. I don’t put much attention on the notifications if it’s not necessary and go about my business.

It’s refreshing. I have a handful of people on here that I enjoy keeping up with so deletion of the app is not quite there yet but at least I’m not scrolling anymore.

It also gives me idle brain time which is precious to me. I like to sit in stillness and silence. One of the many benefits of camping. Took a little break up in Glenville lake area Sunday night. Paddled around the lake, meditated on top of my truck and read a few pages from two books. Later that evening I dabbled in a little psilocybin on a full blood red moon eclipse. This moon, if you’re into that type of thing, is a moment of release. This would be my second and probably last little trip of the year. I enjoy my sleep and when you take mushrooms there won’t be much to sleep about. They can be exhausting. One your brain is releasing serotonin like rapid fire. If you’re sitting still you’ll become aware of yawning every 30 seconds. Your breathing isn’t regulated. No you won’t die by any means but you get caught up in the moment and forget to breathe normal. Don’t worry your body will let you know when it’s happening.

I did a healthy dosage probably more than necessary but I’ve always been a go big or go home guy. Did my thing, took a walk around the campground and watched the lake waves vibrate while the sun settled over the horizon. Walked along an extremely green trail that runs along the lake and touched some trees. Once I got back into camp I stared into the campfire coals and talked to the spirit of a dragon. Smoke came out from its eyes and nostrils while we conversed. We had a chat about some things that I’ll keep to myself.

If I told you what we talked about you’d think I was crazy. Do I really believe in dragons? Can’t say how much I do but the conversation was interesting.

Climbed back up in my tent to settle in for the night and let the mushrooms stew. And they did. It took about 6 hours to come down. Psilocybin is amazing but it’s exhausting when you do a healthy dosage. It lingered a little longer than I anticipated. Have you ever seen Young Guns where they do peyote? I was a combination of all four as far as the experience goes. I didn’t quite hit Dermot Mulrony chasing the giant chicken around but I was close. It made for an interesting night.

First 2 hours? Solid 10/10. The next 4 not so much. A full blood moon is nothing to be trifled with. I kept zipping up my windows so I could get some sleep. The moon lit up my whole tent. Each time I zipped them up the moon made me unzip them back down. We did this 4 or 5 times before I gave up. My brain took me around the matrix for a bit and that’s enough chat about that little trip.

I’ll probably skip the next blood moon. I’m fine. I’ll be interested in the upcoming downloads should they come. I already feel a bit sideways.

Your mind can go for a wild ride on this vibe.

Watched a movie last night. Just your typical drone of an action movie where the hero kills 100 people to save one. Halfway through my brain sort of said “what are we doing here bud?” It never changes. Movies don’t try anymore and it looks like this guy doesn’t resonate with mass casualty stories anymore. It’s all around me in real life and here I am watching it to dissociate from real life.

I think I’m done with these things. Done with a lot of things lately. Maybe the moon is pushing me to release. Maybe it worked.

I have coffee dates with my daughter once a week. We go to Starbucks (it’s right by our house). She has her little breakfast sandwich and I have my coffee and take in the moment with a big fat smile on my face. I’ll never take these situations for granted. Today is that day.

Life is beautiful. I’ll stew on these as an old fella doubt I’ll be thinking about charcuterie boards.

Family and fire pits make me smile.

I’m gonna squeeze as many of these vibes as I can while I can.

Peace and elbow grease.

I’m a people watcher. I enjoy observing humans in their surroundings.

How they behave when they think no one is watching

How they react to situations

Mannerisms, body language, posture etc

I’ve done this all my life without even realizing it. No I don’t stare at random strangers or peek into windows I only observe from afar in public places like I’m currently doing now at a campground outside of Leland, Michigan.

Which is beautiful by the way

My current fixation is on my campground neighbors. Not just the folk who reside on both sides of my truck tonight, I also do rounds around the grounds to see how other campers click.

The majority of camp participants after the summer season are empty nesters who took some retirement funds and bought fifth wheels, RVs, buses or lower budgeteers with masses of pop up tents with adding screened rooms and privacy pools pop ups. I tour with these types of folks by proxy either on my road trips or weekend adventures. I’m sort of the fly on the wall. I don’t quite fit in with the others I’m a tad younger but not by much as every year passes. I don’t try to mingle but will converse with my neighbors if they are the chatty types.

My truck set up always gets a few rubber necks who stop by for a tour and well I love my setup so I’m always happy to oblige. I doubt I’ll ever own a giant pull behind trailer or camper it’s just not my thing. A Sprinter van? Yeah I can be talked into that. Or a decent sized camper on my truck which is my next ideal upgrade. I love my camper set up and my trailer

But

There are days, especially windy, rainy ones that a firm roof over my head and a soft bed seem more cozy to my standards. I’m no longer trying prove things to myself or get into a pissing contest with my ego on how self sufficient I can be or exercise my bushcraft skills which are mostly acquired from reading about lean to’s as opposed to actually implementing them into my camping. In a sense of brevity, my camping has gotten a tad softer. My first real truck camping trip was to Maine and I just slept out of the back of my truck. I had a cooler, duffel, head lamp, futon mattress and pillows. An old Coleman stove that only had one temp level of “boiled to shit” but I loved it. The downside on rainy days I’d spend half my day horizontal in a ARE camper top cavernous tomb. I have a touch of healthy claustrophobia. It was minimal and simple. Made it easy to be nomadic wherever I went. I love my RTT and awning but often times I always feel like I bring too much shit with me but it’s like the old saying goes “it’s better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it”

I also enjoy cooking when I camp. It’s one of the few activities that brings my old passion back out of me. I’d thoroughly enjoy making a overlanding cookbook implementing local ingredients from areas I travel along with last minute gas station groceries that I’m always buying. Bought a great Dometic fridge on marketplace last month and was excited to give it a try on the road. Ice coolers are awesome for cold beverages nothing beats them with those ice chips rolling down your elbows from a cold beer or soda you just pulled out of your cooler. On the perspective it’s nice not draining water out of those “water tight” ziplock bags and your favorite cheese flavor is discolored and raw cut of beef is water logged.

No thanks.

One particular oversight, I had planned to use my 110v/400w AC outlet to charge my ecoflow battery that I hook my fridge up to. Little did I know that the outlet only works when the truck is in park. In my first full day on the road I had to find a campsite with power to recharge my battery. No big deal but it changes my logistics. You can get almost three days worth of charge btw with the fridge. I foresee a solar panel in my future for my battery so I don’t have to depend on full hookups. I was off grid in the upper peninsula of Michigan for two days so I kept one eye on my battery charger keeping my fridge with $105 worth of groceries in it. It did its job. I griddled a bacon cheeseburger with onions my first night, made some steak and eggs for breakfast the next morning and enjoyed a hot bowl of ramen with chicken under my awning as a cool rain drizzled for most of the night.

After this last trip I have decided that parking lot camping has reached its end. I never feel in any danger when I camp. I camp around apex predators in the middle of nowhere so I’m prepared for most surprises. Obviously I never want to be in a situation where I have to explain to a judge why I put a hole in someone. If I choose to pull over for the night my go to is Cracker Barrel. Most of their lots are well maintained and in decent areas. I’ll still stop at the nearby gas station to see what sort of local riff raff I have to contend with. If I don’t get the wrong vibe I’ll pull behind the CB and roll my little mattress out in the back of my truck, grab a lightweight blanket and shut myself in for the night. I try to get 4-6 hours of sleep on a good night. It was 81° in Kentucky that night. Starbucks spot light shining in my eye and I was cuddling up with a lot of uncomfortable pointy gear. I “slept” for about 3 hours. Got back in my truck at 3am and kept my compass north. I grabbed a venti of petroleum at a Starbucks before Cincinnati. Also had no idea Cincinnati basically sits on Kentucky’s doorstep. I don’t go up that way very often. As I was popping all of my joints into place my brain was asking “what are we doing here man? It’s time we cut out the parking lot shit. Your family would sleep better knowing that you aren’t sleeping in parking lots”

Fine

And I agree. Fuck parking lot camping. No I’ve never been messed with, never pulled a gun but I did pull an axe on some kid that was walking around my truck in Texas one night. I don’t know what his intentions were but I think I changed them. I don’t travel in a state of fear just awareness.

Michigan was a gem. My first stop was Traverse City and I’ll be damned if it wasn’t 90° when I pulled up and humid at 1pm.

I said “fuck this” and pulled back to Cadillac where it was less humid and cooler. Hung out with some Michigan locals and their RVs until their beer coolers began to empty out. It was a little surreal watching the festivities without partaking. As I’ve said 100 times before I allow myself one beer for my socializing. I watched my neighbors put down a half dozen or so while I sat under my awning like a fly on the wall. The behavioral changes over the evening, the slurring, volume of their voices. By hour three my neighbor was making out with his wife sporadically while he flipped burgers over his blackstone.

Listen

I’m not judging at all, these people were having the time of their lives and good for them. I smiled while they played. I smiled at their leisure and I smiled thinking of how I used to be a part of this ritual. Watching it from the outside was weird. My ears perked up each time a heard a can erupt. Not in an enticing way. It’s summer, sun was setting, music was playing and beer cans were chirping. These folks were living their best lives. It’s just odd being only a spectator. Also small trigger moment, I’m not used to liquor being sold in grocery stores. I told my wife it was wild to see “my old friends” chilling on a shelf while I pushing my cart of groceries. I can walk into a liquor store with no problems. I expect to see them there. Not a grocery store.

There was no influence, no weekness nothing like that. It was more of a “You don’t belong here. You’re in my way”

I was fine. I was more than fine. To be out of town, my mental gears grinder from driving 1000 miles and the upcoming euphoria of a vacation mixes well with a tall vodka cran. I declined the mental invite and went about my day. I told my wife about it because well, I tell her everything. And I ended it with a “that ship has sailed babe. He’s no longer with us”

I took off for the upper peninsula the next morning and stopped for some coffee in Mackinac village. Drove over the bridge and drove past a dozen ice cream shacks labeled Pasties. Also Michigan has quite the abundance of smoked fish..

I headed up to Pictured Rocks area and took residence by Clear Lake for two days. The lake was a spit away from my site. I spent the evening watching the sunset over the lake with a burger in my hand.

The next day I drove up to a trail head and walked cliffside for about 10 miles and back on the North Country Trail.

Had a little mishap with an unidentified insect that decided to attack the back of my leg about two miles in. I’m allergic to certain insect species not life threatening but it can put a damper in my afternoon. My leg got a nice welt on it later that day but I survived. I dug this hike. It was shaded, green, mossy and quiet. I might’ve passed 4 people the whole time. Took me to a beach head where I sat on an old fallen tree and propped my feet. Rain took over for the rest of my day so I took advantage and read in my tent for a bit before dinner.

I spent two days in the pictured rocks. Paddled a bit and walked the shore line. I never got over how massive the lakes were. It truly felt like walking in the ocean. I got to witness two of the largest lakes in the world in two days. To add I didn’t come across one face without a smile. Even the gruff characters carried their own charm. It’s a different style of living up there than what I’m used to. Greenville has become a little too over the top for me. I can resonate with the simplicity of life up there.

I went back down to Traverse City and spent the day walking around town. Stopped back down in Mackinac village. I wanted to check out the island but it was foggy and windy by the ferry boats. I’d already spent two days in constant drizzle and I wanted to warm up so I left. I needed to dry my feet on some city sidewalks so I went souvenir shopping for my family although I didn’t find what I was looking for. Sat by the lake at a family campground to some Huervos rancheros for dinner. Took a quiet walk at sunset and slept like a champ.

Had a random comment on a Facebook thread asked if I’d been to Leland fish town yet so I looked it up on my navigation and found it to be only 40 minutes away which isn’t much after you’ve driven a 1000 miles in one day so I headed northwest for breakfast.

Leland was amazing. I cycled around the little fish huts by the pier. Had a conversation about sandwiches with a local deli and crunched on a homemade waffle in a bakery across the street. I had intended on leaving for Greenville that day. My wife found a campsite outside of Cedar and also told me I was only about 20 minutes away from Sleeping Bear Dunes and my response was “welp away I go” and I did.

The giant dunes were my favorite. I looked down the mighty one (turn off #9 on the trail map) and quickly made my decision that I wasn’t attempting it. Could I have done it? Yeah I can climb it I just didn’t like the fact that it looked like a cliff from my vantage point and your boy doesn’t do heights very well. There was no wrestling with my confidence it was quick “nah” and I kept driving.

Pictures do not do this place justice

Followed the road up towards Glen Arbor and hiked the dunes to Lake Michigan. I always have a habit of raw dogging hikes I don’t research. I went to go walk up a dune and saw another one. And another one

And then I climbed about 5 more. It’s around a 4 mile hike give or take a step it also depends on how often you walk off trail there’s plenty of short pull offs for overlooks.

It’s a fun hike. It’s an ass kicker too because you’re walking in sand, sometimes ankle deep sand and a lot of times ankle deep uphill sand. Fairly certain this was the route my parents took to school every morning. I enjoyed the heck out of this hike and to be able to do it barefoot was quite the grounding experience. I’d drive up there just to hike it again.

Not anytime soon though..

I grabbed a campsite outside of Cedar and spent the afternoon chatting with some new friends on each side of me. I’d exhausted most of my groceries so I had MRE of jambalaya. The day’s activities put me roosting in my tent at 8pm. I sat with my feet pointing toward the lake with my headphones on and dozed off. I was probably an hour down the road before my neighbors got up for breakfast.

I headed straight home from Dunes to Greenville. 15 hour drive but it took me through the Cumberland Gap parkway for the first time and needless to say I’ve found a new area to explore soon. I’d never been in that particular area and well wow.. if I hadn’t been in such a hurry to get home I would’ve spent another day up there. Cherokee lake area/ Bean station has my attention.

I’d give this trip a solid 7-10. Would’ve been more had the rain not kept me down for a bit it’s no reflection on the beauty of Michigan just my personal experience.

Highly recommend. If you have the time go drive to the “Porkies” I’ll have to go back up there specifically for that next time.

I love these trips I take annually sometimes bi-annually. Listen, they’re tough at times.

My back doesn’t appreciate sleeping in cramped quarters in the back of my truck.

Sometimes my GPS decided to fall asleep and I get turned around

I often times don’t get to see things and places I had intended to visit

Last minute campsites can be hard to find

You can’t control the weather so when your vacation is centered on the outdoors you either get wet or get moving elsewhere. I had my eye on Colorado and or Tetons if Michigan had called for rain all week. Colorado is on fire so that was my deterrent. Tetons? Man I just didn’t have that drive in me. 29 hours one way.

These trips also carry no itineraries. I point at a spot on my navigation and I just go. I don’t plan anything except for the first town that I’ll arrive in and I go with the flow. I’m gambling each time I do these trips. For the most part it turns out fine even remarkable but I’ve had a couple that didn’t turn out so well.

Still better than a day at work.

My vocation has been one always focused on timing, meetings, multitasking, tight schedules and deadlines. I throw all of that out the window when I go on these trips. Often times I change the day I come back or leave it open by a day or two. Lot of driving, lot of dependency on instinct. When it scores it’s amazing.

This one did.

I’ll always do these trips although I intend to make them a little “softer” at times. I don’t have to raw dog everything. Having a companion to drive and experience things along the way helps. If you have the right one. I’ve always had good company when I do. I can be a little hard to be around when things go sour though.

The best part for me that I gain from these little adventures are my memory downloads. I’ll sit still in my own little world and recap these moments and smile. As I’m currently doing now. Since I’ve started doing these I’ve probably spent 4 or 5 months on the road over the last 5 years.

Should’ve started sooner but I think it was meant to happen in this era of my life. You start to understand when you spend time around all these folks that have retired and live out of a motor home and well good for you.

Freedom to live

10/10 will do it again if I haven’t said it already. Some just good ol nice peeps up there. I never saw a frown including in mirrors.

Peace out Michigan.

Two nights ago while I was lying in bed my mind was doing its nightly jog around my brainwaves. Bedtime is one of the best times for me to let my mind go free range for about a half hour or so. I don’t give it any particular task or setting. I put my headphones on, turn on my nightly playlist and let it all go. My mind always moves backward at this time of night.

It’s intentional.

I make it my mission not to think about upcoming events or tasks that need attention before sleepy time. My sleep is always better when I don’t focus on the what ifs or what next projects once I figured out that making plans or conjuring projects right before bedtime was poo poo for my sleeping habits my sleep immediately improved. I also don’t dwell on old toxic memories. Through time, I’ve managed through self hypnosis to focus only on healthy memories or ones that stand out to me in positive way. Like riding a train and only getting off stations that lead to enlightenment and happiness. It works well for me. Sometimes the train will try to drop me off at some of the old places I used to hang out but I’ve gotten pretty good at recognizing the better places to get off the train. I can recall riding a train with an old friend of mine up to DC from Maryland and there were a few stops in between in Baltimore that he would tell me “never get off the train here” referring to some of the not so nice areas that surrounded the station. My brain does the same thing.

“Don’t get off here, this isn’t your stop”

Once I figured out how to ride the train and where to get off the less bad neighborhoods I came across.

As I was riding my mental train that night my mind suggested I remove some old routes. “These stops aren’t necessary anymore.” I had my mind on one specific timeline in my life that I still look back on and as I keep reflecting on it the more I realize it no longer resonates with who I am as a person now.

I have eras in my life that are of no use to me anymore.

Quite a few actually but the process to clean up my hard drive takes some curating.

I decided to try a little something different while I laid in my meditative state. I wanted to remove a large chunk of memory data from my brain. Not erase the data I don’t think that’s possible without a lobotomy or a rock to the noggin. I mentally compressed it into a file and put it into a folder in my brain. I picked a specific date to begin and one to end it on. Not the exact day or date necessarily but close to what I wanted to compress. In my head I edited it just like you would if you were editing a reel to post on social media. Do you know what I’m talking about? The little edit icon with scissors where you can shorten or lengthen a segment of your reel? In my mind I took a rather large chunk of memories and compressed it into a small file. Around 15 years to be precise. I physically squinted my eyes as I completed it to add a little more depth and energy to my intentions. It felt a little silly but at the same time my mind sort of released like a balloon slowly letting its air out. Then as per the norm I went to sleep shortly after.

The era I compressed, to me, was a time that where I felt no growth, no change, mass negativity and lack of beneficial energy. A system that for the longest time had changed me and redefined me into a different Chad. One I’m no longer a part of.

I’m referring to both subjects here- me and the system.

Somewhat brainwashed for years. The era wasn’t hell or terrible by any means I made some good forever friends from this time, this old train station but the environment/system that attached to me like a parasite had to go and well that means most of the memories that were also attached to it.

The more you self analyze your life and the past the more clues you will find that will help you locate the source of certain toxic elements. I call this shadow work. It was a part of my self repair. Ive spent the last 4 years rebuilding/rebranding/reckoning myself.

I put an end to it not so long ago but there was still some dust to be swept up after everything that had settled.

A few more train stations to remove off my route.

One my commute to work yesterday morning I touched base with my little meditation session the night before. I took myself back to that era and it scrambled like an old tv station.

Static

White noise

No I didn’t erase my mind and that wasn’t my intention. What I did was take it off of auto recall. At least that’s what I’m hoping for and in my short recollection during my commute I did just that. My mind was trying to recall the era and it stalled. If I sat in my truck and told myself to pull up a specific moment from that timeline I could. I can right now but I’ve put into a file that takes a moment to access and that’s exactly what I intended to do.

The point?

Your nervous system relies on your past. Your response and relationship to just about every emotional situation comes from your nervous system. Your reaction to most stimuli.

Over time I’ve begun to recognize my habitual tendencies and reactions because of past events and systems. To remove these systems and memories it allows me to rewire my nervous system. It’s a painstakingly slow process.

But

It works.

I’m not ignoring my past mistakes nor am I trying to make them go away. I’m just making peace with the one person who needs to accepted it and move on.

Me

Like rereading the last letter you’ll ever write to someone before you lick the envelope.

I picked this specific era for how it had/has defined me for the last few decades. Anytime I had moved forward from that era it still attached itself like a barnacle. Some of my toxic habits today were founded in that time and they grew with me like malignant tumors.

This isn’t making peace with them actually. It’s a discardment (Chad word)

A stripping

A tiny little file in my brain that won’t open unless I physically click my little mouse button on it.

Not gonna do it. Wouldn’t be prudent. *George Bush voice

That was my intention. Now it’s time to see if my nervous system will follow suit.

Peace and elbow grease