Bearded Gang

My morning started with a quiet drive up 313 at 5am to watch the sunrise up in Dead Horse Point. Walked outside and waved the at Milky Way in the sky, drove around some free range cattle and arrived at my point of interest with 2 minutes to spare. My companion chose to sleep in that morning and after riding 30 hours straight with my unending caffeine filled commentary I can’t say I blame him. He also drove the third shift.

My man

There were maybe 8 people in the overlook area once the sun came up. I walked about and took some pics with my camera. Point and click practice shots. My first two were with the lens cap on.

Baby steps

After watching what may be my top 5 sunrise moments of my life I walked back in my truck and sat it in for the first time.

Real first time, in its element. Our element. I sat quietly and looked over the point it was also the first time I relaxed since we left. There’s a very common occurrence on my trips that I’m beginning to recognize.

I always encounter bad traffic on the way out but not so much the way back.

The first camping night is always the rockiest. I’m overstimulated from driving, exhausted and usually have some sort of camping malfunction or weather issue. We’ll circle back shortly.

It felt good lying there, truck wide open 50°

Drove back down the canyon hills to pick up Shane from the Airbnb and grabbed breakfast. I’m not the biggest breakfast fan it sits on my all day long but if I’m traveling one of my favorite activities is to go into town and sit down at an outdoor cafe. I get to people watch with a pastry in my mouth and a local brewed coffee. I chose the diner breakfast I’m an eggs and toast guy.

Can’t recall the name of the restaurant it seems a mainstay but it was delicious. Moab has some good food for a tourist destination.

Stopped at the local grocery to get some grub for camping, firewood, water and drove back up 313 to find a camping spot. Took a detour to drive down Potash road to check out some petroglyphs.

Tons of BLM land up here with a labyrinth of dirt and gravel roads. We camped in this area last year Shane was a big fan of the last spot we found last year so we set our sights on it again. When you consider the amount of little zigzags of trails are up here and the fact that every rock and landmark looks exactly the same it gets tough to retrace your steps up here from a year ago. We put some miles on those trails looking for it. We looked at a few other spots and I’d veto if the trails were clay filled. Rain was a guarantee that evening. I like Moab but I don’t want to sit in my truck on a trail in the middle of nowhere 3 feet in the mud. We found the spot literally as we were about to turn back. We set up camp for the first time, took an hour break from each other’s presence and then tossed a frisbee I’d bought in Moab earlier. Like good South Carolina rednecks we had a little target practice near a little ravine. Hootin’ and hollering like we were 19 years old working together at the Hyatt again. I grazed the target my first shot. Didn’t come close after that. It’s all legal out here calm your tatas.

Built a fire in a makeshift rock pit and we sat down to relax. The Utah desert winds weren’t having that shit so it blew a girthy gust through our campsite and my awning went up in the air about eight feet and the poles flew in the air like javelins. One narrowly missing Shane’s head. I jumped up to unlatch it from the rack so it wouldn’t bend up like an umbrella. We nearly lost a big heavy awning the first night. I had it bungeed and tied down at several points and Mother Nature just looked at it and said “how cute” and then blew us a windy kiss. I found my camp chair about 30 feet down the desert. For some reason at the same exact moment Shane’s phone started alarming us of a flash flood warning. It was a tad jarring. We aren’t in the paths of any floods were are camped above a ravine with about 200 yards to spare. Came real close to changing campsites. We moved the truck sideways to shield Shane’s cot tent from the wind.

Kinda happy not to have that RTT anymore. This is exactly why I changed camping rigs. The rain came at bedtime and has been steady since. Only packing we have is rolling Shane’s cot up and rolling out. Should be gravel roads all the way out. I don’t like getting stuck. My first trip to Utah my old truck got stuck in some sand at Lake Powell while pulling my trailer. I bought a 4WD the minute I got home.

Today’s itinerary will be discussed I figured the rain would shake things up we had Hanksville on our schedule but Hank is all clay off roads. Not gonna happen. At least not today. We may scoot down to Escalante and 4WD to some slot canyons. Camp and head out to Bryce and hang out.

It’s only 5:45am here my sleep patterns haven’t budge yet so I’ve been up for a while. Also forgot to buy coffee. So now I’m under stimulated.

Gonna put my headphones on and enjoy some quiet before I wake up sleeping beauty.

Cheers

We were packed and ready to go by 10:30 Saturday morning. I’d spent the last week shoring up all the critical supplies to insure I didn’t forget anything vital. We both packed a little lighter than last year’s trip. I had my trailer last year storage wasn’t a big issue. As far as big gear the only thing I really sacrificed was my Honda generator that we used in the middle of Escalante to power up my ecoflow. I had two coolers last year and opted for one big Dometic fridge. It’s bulky but it’ll hold Shane’s one gallon of tea, milk and orange juice (inside joke)

Shane is the ying to my yang on these trips. I’m always in a hurry he’s Captain Mosey. Shane’s laid back unless you’re talking shit about Jesus then you get to see his 6’4” frame swell. (Another inside joke). He observes my moods and compliments me when he sees me overcome my tiny fits. He bought me dinner last night and I need to remember to thank him for it although we didn’t talk that much around dinner he was completely absorbed into a conversation with a braless woman from Ukraine. We’s spent the last 30 hours in the truck together a conversation pause was healthy.

The drive was uneventful for the most part. I-40 bridge construction is always fun we spent over an hour in queue status and then crawled through the one lane twist and turns. Got clogged in Nashville and hit a little congestion in “Padooky” Kentucky. We got on I-70 at 9:30 pm and got off of it at 5pm the next day. A drizzle here and there but nothing close to the storms and floods from last year.

The truck has mileage was as expected. It got a little poopy in Kansas climbing the western plateau while a head wind pulled my truck back like stirrups. The ride over the Rockies was majestic as per the norm the back nine of Colorado is much more fun to play than the front nine. The first 60 miles of Utah have no gas stations, no sign of life except for one rest area. WiFi in the truck comes in handy. Speed limit is 80 mph out here and with the crosswinds and all upsie daisies ain’t no way my truck is reaching that speed. The road into Moab was majestic as always. If you get bored stop at the gas station by the exit it resembles Area 51. Don’t buy gas there unless you want to spend over $6 a gallon.

We Airbnb’d last night to soften up after the long ride and get our one real shower for the first part of the week. I’m gearing up for a Dead Horse Point sunrise hopefully the clouds will be polite this morning there’s a chance of a little rain in the region and that impacts a lot of activities up here.

Dry – offroad good

Wet- offroad really bad

We aren’t doing anything technical by any means I’m driving a Tacoma turtle with 600 lbs on her back. I’m also not carrying a compressor to air down my tires. A humpty hump we go.

It’s a 45 minute drive to Dead Horse and sunrise is in 70 minutes. I’m taking my time I’m not sure what kind of critters like to cross the road in these parts. This will be my fourth time in Moab. I usually pop in for supplies and head out but today we are hanging and decompressing. We”ll scout for a camping spot this afternoon or head to Canyonlands down the street. I had Hanksville down for this evening but I think it can wait. It’s supposed to rain there tomorrow we may try to catch in on the flip side. I don’t want to pull up for the night and look over my shoulder for rain while we are surrounded by bentonite clay. I don’t care how good your 4WD is you’re screwed amigo.

I’ve gotta put my Dead Horse Point digs on and ride.

Cheers

This week has been a tad chaotic. I always get a little antsy before long trips leaving work unattended for that long gets me anxious. My wife automatically steps up for me and it stays in my head that while I’m out having some fun she’s back at home taking on additional responsibilities and stress. It sticks with me not because she holds it over my head she doesn’t do things like that I just feel like I’m dumping my everything in her lap. Add that I work very loosely nowadays I’m no longer much of an organizer.

My extra employee “what’s the potato salad recipe?” Me- “potato’s and salad.”

I’m loose about work until I’m not obviously I put a lot of attention and love into my food just not the structure anymore. My wife, being my business partner, does the things I hate and I do the physical labor. I’m extremely appreciative of her support.

Got my camper 6 days before departure and had my awning re-fabricated and installed at 9pm last night. My fab guy got my plans Tuesday afternoon and made some bars for my camper top. I told him I had to leave Saturday morning and he spent his evening making my bars.

Solid guy. He helped with my bus I turned into a camper, has done several personal mods for me, pannier racks for my trailer, brackets for awnings and several other things. Appalachian Outfitters in TR. Look him up if you have an old 4WD you want to revive. Good dude. I’ve thrown him some doozies.

Packing adds to the antsy we aren’t going to the beach and a hotel we are driving the hotel and all its amenities. Towels, furniture, water, light source, bedding, toiletries, room service, cuck chair (just seeing if you’re paying attention). You don’t remember what you forgot until you need it and usually it’s too late or you have to pack up all your shit to go get it and come back. I did this with water one time in Sedona. I had everything in my camp except for the one thing I need to keep me alive. It’s funny how some of the things we take for granted are the things we can’t do without. The tent was set up on the truck, awning was up, chairs waited to be sat in. We called an uber to take us into town to buy some water. The places Shane and I are going to in Utah won’t have Uber and even if they did we don’t have cell service to call. Keep five gallons of water with you if you’re off grid camping. Not talking to your backpackers out there just the car campers. You use a lot more water than you think you walking data centers.

Awning is up. My truck is officially 9 inches wider can’t wait to snag a Starbucks drive through canopy. Also I’m aware my gas mileage for my truck is complete garbage now but life’s short folks.

We depart Greenville at 10am and have no intention of stopping until we get to stop one- Moab. That’s the ideal time and place if there’s even an 1% chance of drowsiness we pull over to get some rest. Shane works all different shifts his sleeping patterns aren’t like mine I turn into a real bitch after 9:30-10 just ask my family who hung out with me until 10:30 last night.

Full blown diva

Spending a couple of hours at work this morning to install a few more fire extinguishers while I’m gone..

If I had one gripe it would be that I haven’t tested my camper in any environment as of yet. It’s going up space mountain on its first adventure. That’s a Ric Flair reference we aren’t going to space mountain although the terrain will say otherwise.

My truck springs are sitting under some fat you think South Carolina has a pothole problem go drive around on desert roads out west. We may be in for some bumpy rides. I’ll have to deal with my suspension after we return.

Last year’s trip we encountered some fun flooding and tornado warnings on the way out. Pitch dark, midnight Kentucky shit storms. My gps was fickle and we zigzagged for about two hours. We didn’t hit smooth sailing until we passed Kansas City. Ever driven through Kansas? I’ve harped on this before. Anyone that has driven west to Colorado will all tell you the same thing. The drive through Kansas is the most underwhelming experience of your life. 400 miles straight across the heart of the country. 6 trees, 39844738282 tumble weeds and a decent gas station every 60 miles or so. It seems much longer than that because the first two hundred miles of eastern Colorado is exactly the same. Eastern Colorado is just western Kansas. Oklahoma is just southern Kansas. Throw in northern Texas too. Bring a book with you while you drive across the state. I’ve cycled across Kansas I can say whatever I want about it. Ever rode your bike into a head wind for 2 days in 90° weather?

Builds character. I think either an astronaut or a president was born there. Eisenhower’s childhood home- Abilene. He wasn’t even born there. The only guy to have dropped the big one. Drop one of those bombs in the middle of Kansas and no one would even notice.

Where were we? I don’t even know anymore.

I should finish packing.

Kyrie Eleison

I’m sitting in my camper at 5:02am because I’m an over 50 kid. I’m that kid who takes all of his toys out to play as soon as he brings them home. I didn’t have much time to acclimate myself with the camper yesterday the drive to Wilmington and back was enough adventuring for one day and all my gear is at the deli.

One of the reasons why I like this set up is I can sit up comfortably so I can write when I wake up. Morning time is my creative peak. When I go camping I never sleep well and or the morning temperature puts a hamper on my typing. Hands get real cold in a tent at 40° and I can’t type with gloves on. The very first things I added to this camper was insulation, heater port and an overhead fan. This thing can go pitch dark or it can open wide with windows and back open to feel like I’m sitting in the shade on a summer day. Rain, sleet or snow, I’m in a good place. No more canvas flapping all night. There’s no bathroom, sink, kitchenette or anything like that. I prefer to do my things outdoors and sleep inside. Double bed that folds into a couch. This would make an amazing tailgate vessel if I did that type of thing. Actually I suppose I do exactly that when I camp. Except for the full cooler of beer.

I’m labeling my journal entries “On the Moon” with the intention to encourage me to write more when I’m not distracted in the outdoors.

My awning may not make it to Utah with me my load bars lack the length to hold. That’s a giant pain in the ass to reckon with in a short notice of time. I’ve got an outfitter in Travelers Rest who can do just about anything but he may not have time to fabricate some universal brackets and drill them into my camper. Utah is awesome. Even more awesome when you bring some mobile shade with you. I guess it’ll be hats instead. We’ll survive regardless. I somehow managed to camp without one on several trips years ago. If you’re ever in need of a vehicle outfitter Appalachian Outfitters is your guy. I’ve given him some ridiculous ideas and he’s done it without any hesitation. Solid guy too. His name is Mark the Bus Guy in my phone because he helped with my bus a few years ago.

This camper would be a little cozier if I wasn’t sitting at a 20° angle. My truck is the size of our entire slanted driveway. It’s one inch from the road.

We leave for Utah Saturday so I have a couple of days to get all of my shit together for its 10 day mise en place. How to Tetris all of the gear into tight spaces all the while retaining a living space. It gets real tight once you put a week’s worth of gear into the back of the pickup X 2 if you have a companion. Add to the measure that the companion is 6’4” 260 plus and you have a sitcom traveling cross country. Pick your travel companions wisely. You’re gonna get to know each other really well.

Body odor

Poop schedules

Weird looking moles

Bad habits

Nostril whistles

Snoring

Digestive noises

Patience

This is Shane’s second cross country trip with me. He’s the only one to ask to go again and that list includes my daughter and wife. I can be difficult to be around at times although I’ve gotten better, much better. I made mental notes on how to be a better traveling roommate last time so we shall see. We’ve both agreed to skip any discussion about politics or Jesus this go round. I think Shane was ready to swing on me by day 2.

Spent the earlier morning hours looking up spots in New Mexico. Deciding if we want to hit a camping spot on the way the or back. Southern route across I-40 is the route I’ve always preferred to cross country. Obviously if I’m heading to the heart of Colorado it’s I-70 for about 15 hours worth of driving but the south route, other than the gridlock in Atlanta you don’t encounter too much traffic. Maybe a little driving through OK city and a some in Amarillo. Atlanta makes up for all of it. I’m checking both routes to see if I want to drive further out or further back. Further out makes more sense the drive back is brutal after a week of dispersed camping. An Airbnb on the last night of the trip is a good idea to soak your bones in some hot water, comfy bed and a restaurant cooked meal. Last year we arrived home about 5am Monday morning. I slept most of the day exhausted but smiling.

After reading this over I think Moab first makes the most sense. Done son

This trip will be a good time. The camper is what I wanted it to be.

Simplicity

Secure

Sexy. Not really it’s just a big box with shitty gas mileage but it’s exactly what I was looking for. I don’t feel exposed in inclement weather, it’s safe for when I pull over next to a methadone clinic in rural Kentucky to get some sleep. I may of mentioned this before but I always check out the gas stations where I pull off to sleep in a random parking lot. If the clerk looks like a meth head or the beer in the coolers are all shitty cheap domestics and twisted teas I leave. IPAs mean there’s some sort of gentrification nearby. Sounds dumb but it works.

I never pull over within 20- 30 miles of a large city.

Worst places I’ve parking lot camped – southern Kentucky gets real sketchy, any place within 20 miles of St. Louis I try to drive as far away as possible. O’Fallon can kiss my ass.

Santa Fe was oof

Northern Texas is where all the serial killers sleep

I won’t camp at any gas station inside of West Virginia.

I’ve actually heard that there are numerous serial killers on I-40. I take that with a grain of salt but I don’t stop for anyone. Car broke down? Hope you gotta cellphone. Hitchhiking? I ain’t your boy. Even if I see a child walking alone I’m keeping my gun by my side while I do a check on them.

I’ve mapped out about a dozen worse case scenarios in my head when I’m camping in lots. Regardless of situation I won’t be caught off guard. I will make front page news if anyone opens my camper while I sleep. I pack for bears but mostly humans.

I may take some time off of this media for that week. Keep my eyes on the road and mind in the desert.

Cheers

I’m hoping to end my camping limbo today. Camper top I purchased in November arrived outside of Wilmington Friday afternoon. Too late for me to get it installed last week I tried to set an appointment for today to get it snapped on when I called Friday but they didn’t call me back even though the last thing said on their side of the phone call was “I’ll check on your camper and call you right back”

Left a passive aggressive message on their phone and now I’m sitting at a Starbucks 1.3 miles from the Outfitters with my finger’s crossed that I can do a walk-in service for today. I’m 4.5 hours from home, drove up yesterday afternoon I had plans to walk around town but town was drizzling and windy. Thunder didn’t help either spring can be loud in the early weeks. Most of the local fair was closed due to Easter so I walked across the street to Longhorns for dinner. Yep I know exactly what to expect from a national steakhouse chain before I get any eyebrow raising I cut my teeth in the industry in this exact type of concept. For about 16 years. Yes I do judge the shit out of these places when I go but it’s also for nostalgia purposes. Longhorn’s cuts are better than what I can buy at the grocery store these days and as long as the grill cook doesn’t press the shit out of my MR steak I’m easy to please. My food was fine not exceptional, service was decent once I actually got my silverware and longhorns longhorned like a longhorn should.

It’s an exhausted concept. It’s old, stale including the staff there’s no abundance of energy for sure. I can’t blame them if I was still working at my old company I’d probably sleep with a gun in my mouth. That was dark and unintended. Little hyperbole to start off my Monday

But still. Yeah no thanks.

Same furniture style, commercial table tops, food safe carpet, stacked stone walls literally the same as my old steakhouse on woodruff rd. Place was packed with Easterlings and fat little toddlers. Loud and abrasive, thankfully no one was sitting at the bar. Jesus wouldn’t approve. Manager with shirt half untucked from constantly reaching up and adjusting the tickets in the slider or spindle. I feel you bud. Your expo floor was a mess. You missed that 20 minute line sweep timer. Not one server with a smile on their face. I’m not blaming them on bit. I’m not judging either I lived this life, all sides of it for half of my life. I’m 6 years out. That dinner made me wish I was 20 years out.

Viva La Longhorns

I’m gambling on my hardheadedness to get my camper installed without an appointment today. I’ve got a little customer service ball drop on my side since I never got a call back and I’m hoping for a smooth transition. Best case scenario I have to wait a few hours I’m prepared for that. Worse case scenario I have to find someone to cover the deli while I drove 9 hours round trip again. Rather not do that. Why the rush? Well I depart for Utah on Saturday. This camper took a month longer than what I had originally planned. Not their fault but also not mine either. Not pointing fingers just want my camper on top so I can put all my shit that’s been sitting under my house back on my truck. It’ll be 6 months since my last camping trip. Some don’t see it as a big deal but it is for me. This is what I do for a living. I don’t work for a living. I work to pay bills. I camp to live and I haven’t since early November. Just imagine being a die hard football fan as most of you are down here and your sport being canceled for the season.

No bueno amigos.

New set up, new camping logistics. I have no clue if my awning will work without any fabrication and I can’t call my fab guy this short of notice. Kinda want some shade in the Utah desert where we will be returning. By we I mean my bud Shane who went out with me last year. He might be the only person more excited about this trip than me. We went last year at this time but we were pulling a trailer which made some offroad trails too tight. Making up for it this time. We are more acquainted with Utah for part two and more comfortable with banging out. These trips can put stress on friendships not in a bad way by any means. It’s exhausting, lot of driving and zero privacy. Can’t wait to see Shane’s naked butt again. You don’t sleep well the entire trip or I don’t and the rigorous life of having to setup and breakdown everything you do daily takes its toll. All that said I love every bit of it.

Our initial itinerary:

Leave Saturday AM

Drive straight to Moab and camp Sunday evening. Back up is Fruita, CO if we encounter any delays. Hanksville for day two for moonscape overlook, long dong silver (yep that’s its name) and camp in Goblin Valley

Leave for the Canyonlands and explore some offroads and cliffs. Head south to Bryce. We stayed in the Escalante area last year and may have to revisit Hole in the Rock road. It’s an 60 plus mile offroad that dead ends at lake Powell. Not sure if I want to tread on a washboard dirt road for three hours. I don’t carry an air compressor with me I don’t want to lessen the air in my tires. We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Bryce to Zion, Kabal and some hurricane cliffs. Then slowly edge back home. I’m excited, my compadre is excited.

Lotta driving. Hope to skip all the floods and tornadoes this go round.

Gotta get that camper on top first though. I’ll camp in a tent if I have to I don’t care at this point.

Time to pack up and use my charm. Wish me luck

Peace

I’m fairly attached to this day. We were on “lockdown” during this time, all of my restaurants were closed and I’d spent the last three days assimilating to the “new normal” god I hate that term so much. I was home. It was a Saturday I had just gone for an illegal hike with a buddy of mine (we made sure we socially distanced ourselves from the trees while we hiked) showered, cracked open a can of Dales Pale Ale and sat under the giant magnolia tree in my front yard. My mind was on work as per the norm. Not the daily routine but its future. My third concept had just turned one. It hadn’t even started walking yet, it was building some momentum but that was lost in the shutdown. I was agitated from head to toe man I was not in a good mind set. We had just established Southern Culture Hospitality Group. Made a brand for it and everything. We were trying to grow, grow and grow!

We were halted. Momentum is hard to obtain in this business there are no rivers to ride down and coast you’re always crossing them instead. My partners and I were a little tired of each other for a while. Relationships are hard in this industry shake ups don’t need assistance but covid was there to help with that.

I had spent the last three days with my hands in my pockets. Everything was closed so I hung out at home. I had some projects that had sat unfinished the day I decided to open my own business. Shored a few shelves, painted some old walls I even painted three paintings I sold online. And why not? My businesses were shut down with no direction. Each day one of my places were shut down it’s $1300 a day in operation costs. That was also stressing me out.

I made breakfast for my family every morning, we’d share time for lunch and cooked out for dinner. We’d play video games, card games and watch marvel movies. In three days time I’d spent more quality time with my family than I had in 10 combined years.

We watched our 10 year old daughter running and dancing over a sprinkler head on our lawn. She was laughing and screaming as the cold water made its way over her head. I was half listening and half panicking over my vocational demise.

“Daddy look!”

“Daddy look!”

“Daddy watch!”

She was having the time of her life. She was home with her family. Her family was home with her. She was oblivious to what was happening and I was a little jealous of that.

“Daddy come jump over the sprinkler”

I watched her and I smiled.

And then my brain went a little sideways.

On this particular day April 4th 2020 my mind asked me a question that shook 30 years of my existence

“What you thinking about there Chadly?”

Me- “I feel like I’ve wasted 30 years of my life for absolutely nothing”

Noggin- “what you gonna do about it Chad”

“Rewrite my story”

This is completely paraphrased btw for the need of brevity. It was much more intense than this but I gotta work in an hour.

It’s journaling like this that allows me to playback moments in my life that help me see some of my old trail markers before I started to recognize them.

This was the first time something else touched my mind. I always referred to the time when I turned 50 that a little light in my head started to navigate my new journey but this was it. My head was still too addled from all the drinking. I thought I was having a slight mental breakdown (been there done that) but it wasn’t a breakdown just a download. The more I look back on things in my life the more I’ve come to accept that some of my emotional breakdowns have in fact been downloads.

Anytime I’ve experienced one I come out redefined, reinvented. It makes sense. It’s painful emotionally, physically and spiritually. Shedding that old soul skin. I firmly believe it. You feel overwhelmed it’s ok. You’re molting into the next step of who you’re supposed to be.

I recognize this pattern because my last download was my awakening on hunting island and well holy shit did that change a few things in me.

This download was a foot brake on life. Like what you’d do if you crested a hill and saw a highway patrol waiting on the other side.

*SCREEEECH

Season one of – You need to slow things down (I’d write that in a notebook over twenty times in about 5 months)

You could almost hear the heartbeat in my body go from fast to slow. For a moment that’s all I heard. Life stopped for a split second and my daughter jumping over the sprinkler freeze framed in my head. My vision went panoramic. I sat there and my mind said “hey Chad, this just ain’t it anymore bud”

I shut down. I suppose you have to do that for the big downloads. Plug yourself up, restart your phone and do what the prompts tell you to do. The only problem was there were no prompts. No instructions, no tools.

I had mentioned a little ways back that I had lost all my confidence in my trade. I no longer see it was that. I was going through a transition. I had to be separated from my abilities to dissociate from my old life.

“Hey Chad sorry for this inconvenience it’s going to suck for a bit but we need to take away your skills for a few months so you can restart”

And that’s what it did. Need proof? Fast forward to my first month of boxes when I had lost all my skills. And then watch them progress. My skills changed from fast, high speed tempo to more deliberate slower methodical pace. Every week for almost a year I went through a “I can’t fucking do this” while my other guy was telling me to take my time and it’ll all be just fine”

I got my groove back. It’s just a different beat now. I’m good

I don’t have to tell the rest of that story. My partners and I would say farewell in September of that year. I was hell to deal with while I dealt with that change. My passion walked away from me that day. I’m sure if my partners read this they would see the exact timeline of when I mentally started to back away. It wasn’t a fun time for either of us.

There is nothing negative to be shared on my partners for this. Just to be clear.

This day. This fucking day. 6 years man it feels like 100 and yet it feels like yesterday.

Fresh and stale

I started building that cocoon that day.

Broke ground.

6 years later I feel like I’m still coming out of it. If I could show a timeline of progression over the last six years it’s been quite a ride. There’s still more to come.

That’s not me talking. That’s the other guy who took over. He gets louder each time.

Or more aware

I have a love/hate relationship with Covid. I hate what it did to me and have to admire it at the same time. Some say they made Covid to start a new reset and well it worked. Maybe not the way they anticipated but that’s a whole ‘nother story.

This felt good to let out. Have I mentioned how therapeutic writing can be?

Cheers.

I fuck with people’s emotions when it comes to food. It’s a religion to some of you.

The praise you give it.

Holding your dishes aloft for photos, an exultation of steaming meat on a plate.

The fanboying of chefs yeah I never got that even when I was getting that.

The chefs themselves oozing with self proclaimed prosperity, coats adorned with patches of regalia. I have to admit some of the biggest asshats I’ve ever met live and breathe by the moniker chef. They often disguised their tyranny with the word “passion”

I never liked being called chef because of those types. I preferred restauranteur. Yeah I made all the food first but I did a hell of a lot more than that. I did enjoy the “best chef in the upstate awards”. That chafed some asses for some reason. Hey guys I was 48 years old without a single trophy in my case my entire life. I had finally won something. My daughter still talks about those plaques. You can never take that away from me. The best part of the whole thing is it pissed off the ones that know I don’t tweezer my food like some of you.

Bottom line- it all looks the same once it comes back out.

*side note anyone who reads my blogs on the regular (yah I’m pointing at you three guys) if you’re picking up a different voice you would be correct. My older self pops out when I’m talking about service industry. It’s blatant I’m not trying to disguise it. I have to let it out to play sometimes. If poopy words make you grimace sorry.

Food service was a very serious thing with me for at least 2 decades.

Plates wiped pristine

Elevated proteins with stock reductions

All of my recipes had enough ingredients to make a mole sauce. If I saw an employee making a sauce without that recipe book open in front of them I drilled the living shit out of them.

Shortcuts got your ass kicked

The last plate at service should look exactly the same as the first. If anything I was told to loosen up. I wasn’t that much of a yeller if I was yelling it was probably for fanfare because my ego thought it had to be done that way until I had to take a step back.

I’m good at this shit yall. I never wanted to be. I literally watched some line cooks at the Blockhouse one lunch and said “I could do this shit”

Kitchen laughed at me. Charlie fired the KM for calling in sick to play golf and I told Charlie “fuck it sign me up I’ll do it”

And I did

I had done pantry one shift. I was a bartender. Charlie threw me in the km spot, no training and said “don’t let Willie get drunk” and that’s how I got my start. I jumped on the line and took some hellish lumps. I stepped down about a year later to try to fix my relationship with my girlfriend at the time. Jesus did that ever become a revolving door of behavior. Hell I didn’t even know the correct way to cut an onion until I was writing recipes for Southern. My old boss at AZ would hire these high falootin chefs from Atlanta for menu tasting and I’d come over in my manager slacks and stained button ups and kick the shit out of their recipes. He wanted the coveted bang bang sauce of the 90s and I made it by palate alone. The other “chefs” couldn’t replicate it. The only reason I was moved into the kitchen was because I kept firing my KMs. I recall my old boss chatting with me when I opened Southern “when did you learn how to cook like this?” Honesty at first I found about three dozen things that looked like they’d work great for a Sunday dinner and worked around that.

Braising short rib? Never done it before

Smoking pork butts? First time.

Bechamel? I had one recipe I manipulated 10 different ways. The og cheese sauce for the Mac was our old steakhouse spinach dip sauce. I mean cmon man it’s butter, flour and cream for fucks sake. Add cheese and you’ve made a mornay. Add some peppers and people are going ape shit while dipping tortillas in it. Subtract the butter for some animal lard and you have gravy. Buy the cow from a local farmer, butcher it yourself, take the bones and cook them down for a slow stock, add some root veggies from the farm that charges $13 for two bunches of carrots at the Saturday market. Add some over the top gastrique (foodies love syllables) paired with brown butter something haricot, atop a piece of beef that’s been sitting dry for 145 months and then get Michelin on the phone pronto! I NEED MY FUCKING STAR. Comes with twice cooked pomme frites (frozen french fries)

I can say all of this because I lived this. Ever been in a vocation you were good at but didn’t enjoy?

It’s the ego in me that always try to pull me back.

Not my passion

I want to win it all. All the time. I walk downtown and find myself peering into vacant buildings. I’m visualizing floor plans, sign branding and concepts.

I can see color schemes, platings walking by the window.

Asses in the seats.

In my head I’m “I would fucking kick the shit out of this place if I opened a spot here. I’m even better than I used to be”

Yep. I’m rested, I’m more creative, I’m much MUCH more grounded. I don’t live in fear of the open bar anymore. I’d actually considered selling some beer and wine at Graze. It’s about the only way I could get some of my friends to come see me.

Then in my head as I’m creating the concept I start visualizing call-ins

Short staffed kitchens

Oven breaking down on a Sunday

Karen leaving a 1 star review because my hungover bartender threw up on her blouse

$1200 smallwares orders

And then I keep walking

You don’t get that part of me again.

Did you know there was a teeny tiny chance of Southern being resurrected? Very recently. My list of demands would’ve been too much. Not for the concept itself but for my sanity.

But

I would’ve blown the fucking doors off.

That’s my kitchen ego trying to break in. Still

Man I would love to create some concepts that I could walk away from after the doors open. Like having kids. The fun is trying. The hard part is when it’s time to raise them.

I’m not raising anymore kids. I’ll babysit for a short period of time but that’s it. I like to hand the kids off once I get tired.

People often ask me what goes through my head when I do these giant tables and I’m just camping man. I’m sitting next to a campfire or I’m having fish tacos with my favorite party of three at the Shrimp Basket in the gulf. Or on the front porch with the wife chatting about our day.

That’s my real passion. Bechamel be damned.

But

I make a damn good cheese sauce.

On occasion I get the itch and I have to scratch it. Writing about it is much cheaper than opening another concept. No I’m not opening a restaurant but Goddamit my ego keeps coming back with “it would kick ass”

Yeah you’re damn right it would. Mine!

I got it out of my system before my next walk. I may need to change my route for a bit.

Cheers

I was absently scanning background noises on my tv while I sat with my phone in my hand the other day after work. A lot of us do this auto- stimulating where we pick a movie or tv show to play in corner of our mind while we scroll on our devices. Stereo dopamine as I call it. It’s a looping behavior I’m well aware of. I don’t watch movies like I used to for some reason they don’t the anchor my attention. I’m not an anti TV guy I just powered through four seasons of Fargo, it’s a solid show but movies don’t grab my balls anymore (sorry kitchen language). It comes and goes it may be another year before I watch another tv series.

I came across a quick blip for Groundhog’s Day with Bill Murray while scanning. I had always enjoyed that movie I’ve probably seen it around a half dozen times and then another few more playing background dialogue while I shop for camping gear or troll social media on my phone. It’s been a good while since I last watched it probably a decade or so.

Groundhog’s Day, if you’re one of the 200 people who don’t know what the movie is about, follows Phill Connor, a rather cynical TV weatherman who gets snowed in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania and is forced to relive February 2nd over and over again. It’s a comedy. If you haven’t seen the movie you wont understand much of this.

Groundhog’s Day could also be used as a metaphor to represent our lives.

I hear a lot of us commenting about most days seem to feel like a lot like that movie. We feel stuck in a timeline that tends to repeat itself over and over. So I’m going to try to tie this together somewhat metaphorically

Ok

Phil Connor- he’s trapped in a pattern. Just like we are. For the first part of the movie he’s living in default mode.

Unconscious looping patterns for Phil

Ego

Cynicism

Impulse

He’s reacting instead of having awareness.

His day resets every morning at 6am. Every morning his alarm sounds off with “I got you babe”by Sonny and Cher.

Time isn’t what’s broken. Phil is. He wakes up, reads and walks the same internal script every day. Same morning routine, same breakfast, route to work, dialogue.

Does this sound familiar to you? It may be a different day but it’s the same structure underneath.

Same occurring thoughts, same emotional reactions, same decisions.

Am I getting warmer?

Phil starts to figure out something is whack. Obviously he’s realizing his own loops.

Awareness

So what does he do once he becomes aware of his situation? He begins to shake out of his daily routine. Not for the sake of feeling complete or balance but out of manipulation. Short cuts all through the movie to hack the outcome. Phil is represented as an asshat for most of the movie. His cynicism is clear. His lack of empathy and caring is obvious. Phil just isn’t a happy dude.

Phil is changing his daily actions but not his identity. So his loops continue without any progression.

The changes he goes through most of the movie are surface level. He forgets look inside of himself or overlooks it. His perception is purely environmental. Change a few actions here and there from his perspective environment and his day will reset back to normal.

Obviously this does not work out.

Once this sets in Phil begins his collapse into himself.

Exhaustion

Self-destruction

He realizes none of his actions are changing anything. It’s not failure it’s the system showing us the loops are internal.

And then

His consciousness begins to shift.

He gives up trying to escape. He becomes self aware of his behavioral patterns and starts changing how he exits within himself.

Learns a new skill (piano)

Helps people without reward

Pays attention becomes present.

He stops manipulating. He’s found alignment within himself.

He didn’t break the loops by recognizing them. He broke through by changing his reactions to them.

His intentions

He loosens his ego

His identity becomes a little more stabilized

Still the same old day, environment.

Phil changed his consciousness. His way of thinking. He rewired himself. Now that’s some shadow work.

The repetition cycle stops.

Phil wasn’t repeating the same exact calendar day over and over he was fighting with his loops. The loops aren’t time, they’re feedback.

Let’s move Phil out of the way.

Life continues to feed us the same pattern day after day. Our own little Groundhog Day.

Until we recognize that pattern for what it is we will continue on that path.

You stop reacting automatically. You choose differently without forcing it.

You’re not changing intellectually, you’re changing behaviorally

Consistently

Naturally

Flowwwinnnng

We repeat the same patterns over and over

Partner dynamics

Same work frustrations

Emotional triggers.

This thought always pops in our heads “why does this keep happening to me?”

Because we are stuck in Punxsutawney.

We try to manipulate our way through the day once we see realize it

And just like Phil showed us: you can’t brute force your way out. You can’t fake transformation and there are no shortcuts.

You have to become someone who doesn’t produce the same outcomes.

It’s tough. I’ve been on this road for over 5 years now. Breaking free from my own little Punxsutawney.

But

The goal isn’t to escape the day.

It’s to get to a point where even if the day repeated you wouldn’t need it to change.

You can pick and choose the repetitions and discard the rest.

You aren’t escaping your reality you’re breaking looping patterns. Phil didn’t break free from his everyday mundane life. He let go of the old Phil.

That’s the key.

Peace. ☮️

Two days ago I posted a quote that said “Anything that triggers you needs healing”

We all have these little tripwires inside of us that can make us snap at times. Whether it’s anger, sadness or some other emotional/physical response. I’m stepping over tripwires all the time in my head I know where most are although some are well hidden.

I’ve spent the past 5 years identifying and loosening those triggers to help cope with my emotional issues. It’s taken practice. Hours of meditation and self therapy. I made the mistake of trying to suppress my emotions for a while, you know turn the other cheek things and that didn’t work out for me. Emotions need to be released, if you’re mad let it out, if it’s sadness building up, cry your ass off.

Acknowledge the emotion. Talk to your emotional state while not reacting emotionally. Yeah that sounds like trying to scratch your ass with your nose but what it means to me is I try not to base any decision making while I’m under intense emotional pressure.

Easy example- I wanted to lock the door to my deli yesterday over a $800 fine.

We’ll get back to that.

I tripped over my biggest tripwire in 2020 during the Covid lockdown. I’m not delving back into this shit again I’m only bringing it up to explain why my knee jerk reaction is to burn everything to the ground whenever I feel like our government’s bureaucracy oversteps its authority. Which is 99.9% of the time but only sometimes does it make me grit my teeth. I hide no doubt that I’m not a fan of politics or bureaucracies. Watching your three businesses crash and burn while big box retail was raking in billions during Covid will turn you into a militia minded maniac. One day you’re serving brunch for 400 covers and the next you’re begging folk to come grab a styrofoam box (that went up 300% in cost in one week) for a $200 day. All the while saying the key phrases our government already had in their back pocket.

“Flatten the curve”

“Social distancing”

“New norms”

“Lockdowns”

They sat us down, put a spoon of shit in our mouths and said “sit there and shut up”

I let that all that out on purpose. I tripped about 4 tripwires yesterday and I’m still cleaning up the mess. All because of one phone call from the department of agriculture. Those departments- all of them are filled with people with ashen personalities and no souls. Would you want to make friends with anyone you’ve ever met at a DMV? Didn’t think so.

I got mad yesterday. Burning mad. I wanted the home address of the lady that called me. I wanted to go to her home and show her what it’s like to have $800 ripped from her hands for a ridiculous infraction. “Hey where’s my front door?”

I threw it away. Let me know how that feels to nervous system.

I know I sound a tad harsh but I was trying to think of a way of taking my $800 out of someone’s ass. True fucking story.

Also I started that morning off by breaking my headphones. The same ones I’ve worn every single day for the last two and a half years. I’m like that guy from There’s Something About Mary. I love my headphones and my music. Those headphones helped me fix a lot of things in me. Or they stood by for emotional support the entire time. I’m currently wearing my wife’s headphones.

My wife just for a minute let me say she’s always my first text when I’m angry or sad.

That means she gets a lot of texts from me.

I recognized my triggers were snapped yesterday but I still had to let it out. As I was texting her I kept reminding myself that I still needed to protect her energy just as much as mine. I used to not think that way I would use her as my mental punching bag. I’d throw it all at her. Not angrily just emotionally. I did a little bit yesterday but I made sure I didn’t bring it home with me. I made one last comment when I got home and then stood in my shower for 10 minutes rinsing the emotions off.

It works if that’s your intention.

My wife had already updated her headphones to my phone, she chose to pick up dinner without the back and forth between us about decisions. She basically tucked me into my sofa seat and kissed me on my forehead.

She knows me better than anyone. By 6:00pm I was back down. 99% because of her.

5:45 I still wanted the world to burn.

Am I still mad? I’m heated but I’m under control.

Shit happens. The deli has been steady it’s not going to close my shop down by any means just

Just

Stop taking hard earned money out of people’s pockets. I took my time making a pretty swell layout yesterday at 6 in the morning. It looked great. The people loved it.

The check they gave me will pay for that fine.

I’m fine. I really am I’ve got another big table today.

But

Those overreaches keep coming I’m building a tank.

Jk?

Yes of course I’m writing for entertainment purposes only.

Ring my Bell is playing on my headphones right now. Not fitting the mood.

So my If anything triggers you needs healing is quite accurate. I’m not healed by any means but I’m very aware of my triggers. I know how to deal with them for the most part. I let off some steam while my head lets me know that it’s deliberate and not reactionary.

That’s important to me.

For me

I didn’t shut my deli down. Man I sure thought about it though.

I’m full of knee jerks. I always keep that Trapper Keeper in my hands to swing at anything (old school bus bullying reference. Read more of my shit)

I only wrote this to shake out the remnants that were still left in my head from yesterday. I’m good I really am journaling is therapy.

Gotta head to work to get my money back from yesterday.

Peace ☮️

I’m changing my perches around this week. Feet stretched in a front porch wicker chair, coffee and my autistic headphones. Mother by Pink Floyd was my first shuffle this morning. Good cadence for first hour of the morning I slept in a bit by my standards. Sitting in the dark outside with my glasses off, I can hear the birds through my headphones and distant traffic. I live close to the hospital, it’ll be a just a matter of time before I hear ambulance screaming like a banshee. Anytime I hear one my immediate thought to myself is your day hasn’t been that bad if it ain’t coming for you.

My neighbors have a Michigan State flag hanging from their house and with the breeze it resembles some sort of dark albatross flapping its wings against the house. Maybe I need to put my glasses back on.

They have Michigan tags, speak with an accent. My strong deduction is that they’re from Michigan. These are the instincts that keep me sharp. Also bonus points- basketball is always on their tv and the guy slim and 6’4”. Bet he likes basketball.

I’ve honed my instincts over the years.

Jupiter’s Fairie – Johnny Blue Skies (Sturgill) plays in my ears. My favorite track from Passage du Desir. Song written about a man who tries to reach out to an ex girlfriend just to catch up and finds she’s committed suicide.

“I hear there’s faeries out on Jupiter
And there was a time when I knew one
But today I’m feeling way down here on Earth
Crying tears of love in the light of mourning dawn”

I cried when I first truly heard that song. Doesn’t help that I had it on while immersed in meditation. I’m sure I’m not the only one who will mentally scan lyrics in my head while listening to a new song until a few words grab me by the sleeve and says “hey this is some real good shit Chad”

“There’s no happy endings only stories that stop before they’re through” – that one hits hard if you’ve ever lost a love one to suicide.

I liken my taste for music by where I am in my head and life at the time. I don’t jump around genres as much as I used to. Sometimes the music sets the tone for my mood and other times it’s the exact opposite. I love music. All of it. I don’t follow a specific genre if I had to pick one out of all of them it would be grunge. Grunge resonated at the right time. I was meant to experience it in my early 20s when I was freebirding around in my life.

80’s? Best decade of music. There will never be another one like it. Experiencing my teens during that era with MTV is probably why I fell in love with music. It became an everyday part of my life. Jamboxes, portable music. Life without music is like a biscuits without gravy.

Sturgill Simpson captured me well over a decade ago with Metromodern Sounds. An album packed with references to ego, third eye, DMT, religion, awareness all in a honky tonk vibe. He’s progressive, hates big labels, corporations and dances to his own tune.

My kinda guy.

Outlaw, progressive and alt country. Add a twist of psychedelic, hard rock and bluegrass. He released a complete anime movie with Sound and Fury, it was amazing.

Metro was probably my favorite album of his. Until last week when he released Mutiny after Midnight.

This album fucks. Almost literally

Johnny (Sturgill’s first name is John) released this album on physical release only at the moment. That means you can only hear it on vinyl, CD or Tape. It’ll eventually release in digital format. I’m sure of it. I preordered the vinyl the day it was announced. It was taking too long to arrive so I went looking for it at the local record shop and found a copy. Bought it one day before my original purchase arrived. So now I have two copies.

Best album so far.

Best

One

There are no skips on this album. The only thing that pisses me off is I have to flip the record over while I’m trying to get my boogie on.

Think Waylon Jennings and Earth Wind and Fire had a child and that child made an album.

Progressive, funky, sexy

First track is “Make America Fuk again”

“I got that Hunter Biden energy I’ll make a hooker fuck around and fall in love” 🎶

My favorite track so far is probably Viridescent.

“Watched you grow from a princess to a queen
I wanna drown in your brown velvet dopamine”

I don’t fanboy celebrities. I enjoy their content if it’s my thing I see most celebrities as asshats who are clueless to the norms of society. My favorite musician of all time is Eddie Van Halen and I have no doubt he was quite the shithead to be around.

Best guitarist in the world. His music hit me right at puberty. I have a picture of us together. I don’t worship him. I just dig his music.

People give me hell for being a Tom Cruise fan. Sorry but he puts out bangers for movies. He’s a good actor, he kills it in Collateral, Top Gun is one of my all time favorites and I’ve seen all Mission Impossibles in the theatre. His Cameo in Tropical Thunder is the best part. Would I want to hang out with Tom? Probably not but he’s a fucking weirdo but dude does his own stunts and work ethic is primo.

I respect the player that’s all

Sturge/Johnny? Now that’s a guy I’d go on a cross country road trip with. Talk philosophy and psilocybin. Our views align. No I’m not writing a Dear Stan letter I just dig his vibe is all.

I just looked up and saw some cotton candy in the sky.

Sun’s up, time to play.

Later gators.