Bearded Gang

I spent two days alone out in the WNC mountains after my long work week.

A short unplug

A reality reprieve

Weekly Reset

A seek and delete session.

What’s that last part Chad? Seek and delete? Sounds like a hit man mission. Are you hunting out there?

Nah it’s nothing like that. I just made up that term, well no I discovered it. Not a revelation of sorts but an observation of myself. Most of my journaling is made up of observations and experiences that only I can relate to and breakdown through my discernment and point of view.

All I’m trying to say is what’s a “yah” for me could just as easily be a “nah” for you.

I hit some yahs when I camp. Some yeehaws too but that’s a different story for another time.

Where was I?

Fragments

We are all fragmented in all sorts of ways. Our personalities and the masks we wear to conceal or protect ourselves.

We wear masks to work, another when we get home

We put on a mask around one friend and a completely different one around another. Sometimes we may carry around multiple masks if surrounded by an assortment of friends or acquaintances (always forget the c in that damn word)

We wear masks around complete strangers and customers who may purchase our products

Online masks to show who we aren’t or who we want you to think we are

More intimate masks we wear around our significant others and close family.

Masks to hide our addictions, insecurities, doubts

I could keep throwing mask reasoning around

But

I work for a living so I have to prepare one of my own masks soon.

I don’t care for masks anymore. I never realized how many I owned or donned over the years until recently. I’ve discarded quite a few over the recent years without realizing what I was doing.

Career masks

Public masks

Online masks

I being redundant as I’m trying to circle around to my center of attention here.

My attachment to camping is this-

Camping = mask shedding

Mask shedding = integration

A discarding of outsourced authority

Man this may be a long one..

I slowly find myself deleting fragments of my own ego, pieces that I’ve created from my past or inserted from other people’s authorities over time.

Parents

Teachers

Old employers

People I looked up to or thought I did

Implemented rules and regulations.

Some, are necessary necessities

Some are bullshit

Rewind to earlier statement of my “yahs” above^^

When I’m on my little trips up the yonder hollers I’m seeking and shedding.

Seeking my true self

Integrating

Shedding the rest

Two more days of no distractions, no interruptions

Boredom is quite the glue for integration at times.

When I’m alone up there –

I’m me, myself and I

The holy trinity of integration.

There are no masks

No “hey y’all watch this!”

Although complete transparency, my pics and posts of my trips cause my ego to shine. A fine line between sharing my experiences in hoping that you’ll see how my life has changed through these past few years as opposed to “look at me!”

One of my thoughts on my last long trip was

“Am I climbing this mountain for me to see the top?”

Or

“Am I climbing it so you can see me at the top?”

One’s a moment of integration

One’s a mask

I’ve become keenly aware of the masks I’ve carried lately

I’m in an era of discardment. Not a word? It is now

I try to bring back the person up in the yonder hollers. Sorry y’all I’m enjoying how that rolls off my tongue

Yonder hollers

For a couple of days I fragment my fragmentations.

And sweep them off the floor like broken glass. Man I’m pushing for some metaphors today

Let’s simplify this

In the mountains I’m a polished version of who I’m supposed to be. Like that river rock from the last episode of Chad’s life.

Domestication has left the chat.

The solitude

Journaling

Stillness

Nature

Unplugging

Sovereignty

The fabric to coherence.

The deliberation of methodical actions. Not sure why I wrote that but I’m keeping it.

I had one of my lifelong friends come by to visit while I was there. He lives about 10 miles away from my zen zones. We sat and chatted for a bit. He’s been one of my best friends for life.

There’s nothing we can’t talk about and even less of what we haven’t.

But I found myself talking through a mask. One I’ve worn around him for years. Not a fake mask, not one to hide behind, it was a mask formed over the years from our decades of friendship. I haven’t seen him in well over a year and a half. I wanted to share with him my experiences of recent.

My altered life, mind and heart.

When we started talking I listened to the old Chad coming out to chat. Not a bad or good version of myself. It’s nothing like that. I was still wearing a mask of over 35 years of friendship.

An attachment

I kept catching myself using phrases and patterns I had thought I discarded over time.

My friend David brought some of it out of me. Not in a negative or bad way. Our friendship is nothing like that. I’ve known him since I was a late teenager. Some of that late teenager came out to talk. Some of the early 20’s roommate and late 20’s cycling across country adventurer reappeared.

I smiled at the thought of it. I wasn’t frustrated by any means I was keenly aware.

“Who’s talking right now Chad? It’s not you. Ok some of you but it’s more of a conjuring”

When David left, I smiled again.

I felt the presence of the mask.

“By Jove I think I’ve got it”

Who are we really until we’ve spent enough time alone with ourselves?

Free from distractions.

Masks

David has been one of my best friends for my entire adult life. I’d burn down a town for this guy.

But

There’s still a mask.

A mask of the past.

This in no way reduces a value of our friendship. Not even close to a point I’m drowning to make here.

My mannerisms, thought processes and mechanisms changed during our brief encounter.

Changed may be too much

Tweaked maybe

Enough for me to be aware.

This was a download for me of sorts. The mini revelation didn’t hit until this morning. This is one of many reasons why I take these mini trips. Some downloads queue for a bit.

A series of “were you paying attention? Uh huh and what did we learn?”

My goal recently had been to get rid of my masks. I want to be the same person when no one is watching as I am everywhere else

That’s all

No divide of personalities or evidence.

That’s all. I think.

Hence the part one. I’m still downloading I think.

Speaking of thinking, I’m thinking this is a good time to put this one down for the day.

Until the next download ☮️

Or page. My mind is blank. This page is about to be filled with words to empty my head.

Do you ever label the eras/timelines in your life?

The big ones?

The ones that curated who you are?

Who you were?

Changed you to who you are now from what you were then?

The big fat juicy traumas?

The life changing events?

The moves, the shoulda moves, the why did I stays?

The relationships? Oof. I doubt I’ll ever talk about those on here except in broad strokes

I could summarize my life in 7 timelines

Why 7? I don’t know. I’ve always felt connected with the number 7.

I was 7 when my parents split

14 when my dad died

21 I got my DUI

28 I committed to full time restaurant management (gross)

35 I had an emotional breakdown

42 I opened Southern

49 a light came on in my head and told me my drinking days are over.

There’s seven major events in my life right there.

One of them turned out ok I’d say the others sucked a big fat chunk of shit.

It’s not the exact years of these occurrences that may have shaped me it’s the trajectories they caused

Parent’s divorce ripped me away from being surrounded by a large somewhat volatile but loving family. Pushed me out of Greenville into a whole ass ‘nother planet of Piedmont. Complete culture shock to me with zero explanation. I had to pick the clues out of the air as they fell into my lap. If I had to fault my mother for one thing that fucked my life up it would be her communication with me during this transition. I love you dearly mom but you fucked up here.

14? A no brainer, one of my favorite people of all time died suddenly and left me to sit and rot in that god forsaken town. My grades plummeted, my life went from hanging with friends I had made in Mauldin to never seeing them again. I had two friends in Piedmont until I was 16. My father was very much attached to my young teen social life. No sports for me in high school. I hung up my cares after my dad passed.

21 I had my real taste of freedom and I went wild for a bit. I moved out of Piedmont as soon as I graduated high school but after 6 months I used my parents home like a hostel. I got it from watching my siblings do it over the years. I knew mom would always have a bed open for me. My parents kept me under lock and key for most of my teen years. Two girlfriends would tie up my time for a bit but when I hit 21 I took the governor off of my fun engine and went wild. It wouldn’t take long for a dui to cause me to lose a good job and put my ass behind financially for about 5 years. The biggest trajectory to take from this would be my introduction into the service industry. I lost my license and had to settle for whatever job I could find. Which would be serving for Fatz ass cafe. I would dip my toes into the restaurant service and it would ultimately pull me into a riptide of a tumultuous lifestyle of some fun drugs, booze and deregulated nervous system. I lived my life like a drunken sot for quite some time.

28? I tried my best to conform to a 9-5 job and completely sucked at it. I had tried my best to leave the service industry but I found the real life quite boring and too many domestic rules. I went back to the steakhouse I had been employed at for a couple of years and prostrated myself for that company. “Do with me what you will. I no longer have a vision for my future”

I gave them my entirety. My soul. The service industry would become my personality. I collapsed myself into that system.

35. This one was a mental trajectory. I can’t describe it any other way. I had a career and a long term relationship that no longer fit my soul. Two things I had attached to myself without thinking of what’s the worse that could happen? I saw the first signs of my long time company weakening. I had thrown all my eggs in one basket for a dying career and a partner that I had assimilated with for way too long. My brother had died recently and I managed to get a healthy head injury that would permanently affect my emotional health. I got lost in my mind for sometime. My drinking would ramp up, my focus on my job would shift. 35 is when my entrepreneurial mindset kicked in.

42 I was a business owner. My ego for the next 7 years would balloon. I wanted to be Alexander the Great in the restaurant industry. I wanted to conquer, expand to other cities, become the number one mother fucker in my town. You can see the old me coming out long enough just to say that..

Go back in your hole Dr. Puddin.

I sacrificed it all. Every little, single, fucking thing. I got my ass handed to me in every form. Closed business, repos, credit destroyed, marriage hanging by an overcooked noodle.

Careful for what you wish for..

49? Lost my job

Lost my business

Lost my home

Pandemics

Lost my mind.

Quite the trajectory.

Stack them all up. 7 blocks that built me

“Seven minute abs” is in my head right now..

“All 7 and we’ll watch them fall”

🎶

Would be another. Thanks symbol Prince

The 7th of the 7s would be the one that put me back together.

The 7th one was the one that built the sober me

My reckoning

My lighting of trail markers

My awakening

It’s my cake icing

It fucked me up yo.

But

It began to strip me of all the other “7s”. What the other 7s built. I bowled them over like a 7-10 split. I just wanted to throw another 7 out there for good measure. 📐

It was just training me to sloooooow down. And as I’ve said a few times

I have

And thank god because my world kept moving faster as each 7 approached. Brake check on the 7th 7 amiright??

“7 little chipmunks twirling on a branch, eating lots of sunflowers on my uncles ranch”

Thanks for that one Farrelly Brothers.

What’s the next seven gonna produce? Flying cars?

I don’t know man

But

I’m here for it.

Peace and five more y’all ✌🏼✋🏼

The thought of work tomorrow drains me

It separates me from my woods

An eight hour leap of time through teatherment

Financial angst attachments

107 miles post work until I reach my zen

A climb to saddle the ridge

Echo of the gorge on the right

Tree canopies and curtains on my left

A declaration of solitude that no one else will hear

A sunrise only meant for me

A fire to roast after I ask the trees’ permissions

“My fire is for warmth and food. Not to be used for burning your branches”

“Only deadfall will be used. No saw will touch your fine bark”

I say this every time.

Because the trees know me

I can feel them exhale when I arrive

Hugs and high fives all around

Always thank the trees

And bless your water

Ahhh coffee with a breezy sunrise will make that tetherment loosen it’s sticky vocational grip

Let a wet tentacle in frigid water

Leggo my leg yo

Coffee

And then a daydream

Looking back on some of my journaling experiences it’s surreal watching and reading my voice and tone changing. Like a jagged rock tumbling in a river.

Slowly

But surely

Smoothing itself out

I feel smooth right now. Smoother than I’ve been.

I walk by some old triggers and smile.

*triggers – “gotcha bitch!”

“Wait?? Where are you going??”

I’ve been focusing on my regulations

That nervous one

I put my nervous system in a La-Z-boy chair.

Just relax slick, put your feet up and chill

Sooometimes he tries to get up to fix something that doesn’t need fixing. It’s my job to keep him chilly.

As a Willy

I’ve got African drums playing in the background headphones style.

I went out to dinner last night at my old spot to support a new spot. Driving by that strip used to be triggering. Probably flipped a bird or two in my youth (5 years ago). Sat in the same spot of the bar where I used to chug a few vodkas after work, sat under bar lights that were no longer mine and had some dinner. Paid our tab and left.

No “it’s just not the same” or “I preferred the vibe of the old place” thoughts. Dinner was good. Service was as well. I walked in as a patron and left as one.

I had to remove an echo. And I think I did.

That’s all.

That’s a big all y’all

I went home and scrolled through some old journal entries about my previous business ventures and smiled.

“There’s none of this left in me”

I made peace with my partners a while back. That was a big step for me. Making peace with the other guy (me) took more time.

I had told a friend not too long ago that I had peaked as a restaurateur long ago and I’m just now accepting it. The problem has/had been that I attached my whole existence, vitality, soul to that particular venture and always viewed it as a contender who took on the champ and had his ass handed to him. Even when I made some peace it was always there.

“I peaked as a restaurateur 6 years ago”

I said it and I felt my shoulders soften.

I say it now as someone who climbed a peak. And walked back down. Peaks are meant to be observed, enjoyed and then you step away to let others see and experience them for themselves.

It’s as simple as that.

My wife asked me “what do you think it would’ve been like if you still had Southern after all this time?”

I replied “I’d still be that person”

I was meant to find another path. I was meant to tumble in the river until I found my shape.

And a tumbling I did

That person was someone I had to be to see who I could/would become.

That felt good to say

Every day I inch a little closer to what I’m seeking.

I wore my father’s business failure like a heirloom for years man.

Hand me down tune of trauma

I’ve rolled past that now. Current flows as it should.

Regulated river rocks. Sounds like a bad cover band..

Think I’ll go for a walk while the moon still shines

Later gators.

I enjoy a good cup of coffee.

Location? Doesn’t matter

It can be on my sofa, tailgate or a quiet cafe on the side of a mountain

If I have to be honest that’s probably my favorite spot.

Mood won’t make a difference the coffee warms my soul

Let me smell the aura, sip the flow

Cup embraced with my two fingers and thumb. Add the ring finger if she’s a big one the more the merrier

Peace in a drinking vessel

Awareness held to my lips

Sipping the bean feels like a flick

You’ll figure that one out eventually

Sunrise pairings like fine wine and a feast

Perky- lating

Like beverage masturbation

A stimulus for morning stirring

Catch up man! Coffee is your lip’s first embrace

Unless your mate has already awakened you with their’s

That’s the only sensible replacement

Act accordingly

Brew the start of your life every morning

No more words for today

The beans have found me and I do not care

I’m in the middle of my work week. It’s Wednesday, it’s not a hump day for me I guess Thursday would be the day that my work humps like it’s framed to hump. I worked everyday last week so I suppose my hump would be a little more mathematical at this moment. I’m not conjuring up an equation for this it’s just an intro to my morning journal. Leon Bridges is my choice of background music this morning. ☕️

Historically this is the dead zone for service industry workers and owners. Back to school for the first two or three weeks is tough for most of us. Summer slows, routines are recasted and all that vacation money is just a beach trip memory.

Consumers are spent and tired

It’s a hold your breath and ankles for the month to month businesses. The time I was gone from the deli was a wounded turtle crawl for business, I choose my times off specifically for that reason. The last two weeks however have been quite abundant. Big caterings with a few little ones in between have kept me on my toes. I’ve got a morning four footer as soon as I walk into the deli to contend with after a 200 person lunch box order yesterday along with about 8 feet of charcuterie. This is exactly what the deli was built for. It’s nice to see a mental creation in full display of its capabilities. 200 hundred sandwich boxes were not that difficult. It flowed as intended. Little hiccup at the end sent me spiraling for a bit. I had a conversation with a full beer can as I passed it on the way home.

Beer “hi! Miss me?”

Me *sticks middle finger out of my truck window

The work day was a solid one

After work all I did was count down to my next tailgate sitting

“Saturday can’t come soon enough”

I thought I’d need a break from camping but she beckons

I reckons

I should go

My body is beat from yesterday. It’ll still retain that energy today. I’m doing my “yesterday was a long day” limp. It makes me look old. 30 minutes at the Y will loosen my bones a bit. I’ve skipped on my morning stretches lately. That was one routine the trip botched I don’t stretch when I’m on the road which is the best time to stretch.

My brain is drained this morning. My apologies. 10 straight hours of work yesterday is mocking me right now.

“Suck it up buttercup”

I used to tell my employees that on doubles.

Man I’m tired. I don’t like writing that because I feel it’ll only stamp the feeling of tiredness on my soul.

I’m not “too old for this”

I’m I need a new rhythm

That’s all

Had a little pity party after work last night. It was a small one I was the only invitee. Left my party hat in my truck though.

This start/stop shit is for kids Trix rabbit.

I prefer flow over braking and acceleration

That’s all

Is anyone hiring a travel essay writer? I prefer to settle on a tailgate over a dark room office chair.

Hikes over hoagies

A small Colorado ranch with about 50 plus acres next to a strong flowing creek. A few farm critters, greenhouse, homesteading, smiling, living.

Let me hold that for a bit right here.

Settling, saddling and easing

Peace

I left for Old Forge Saturday around 10am. My goal was to drive until I had enough of traffic and non turn signal commuters. If I had followed that course I would’ve pulled over in Spartanburg. Actually traffic wasn’t that bad for the first few hours until I crossed into Virginia and then the congestion stayed in my lane for about three hours. At one point I crawled for 27 minutes only to come up on a state highway pickup truck driving 15 mph with a big blinking arrow encouraging everyone to merge into the right lane.

No construction

No wrecks

No wide loads

Clear skies and roads just an asshat driving around with a big blinking arrow causing traffic to stop and merge. I had read a conspiracy not so long ago that the government pays people to slow traffic down and I scoffed at it. “You conspiracy theory folk have lost your damn mind”

Now I’m hesitant to call them out. For just about anything these days

Flat earth? Fuck it. Bring it

No astronauts on the moon? Maybe not

John Travolta is a reptile? Most likely

I’m kidding about most of these.

Most

My goals so far:

No social media or internet. I had to use my phone for navigation. My truck gps route did not align with my specific route of no tolls, no Jersey turnpike, no Washington bridge or any thing close to New York City. I’ve done them all.

I will not do them again.

I stopped for the evening about 20 miles south of Scranton .My navigation displayed only 4 more hours of driving until Old Forge. I figured that would put me in old Forge around 9-9:30am .Pulled into a Cracker Barrel to boon dock for a short sleep. Cracker is one of my go to’s for lot sleeping. You can usually find another camper or two there to keep you company. I actually had two for neighbors.

Another one of my goals was to fast for 48 hours. I made it 42 hours before I caved in. My morning black coffee made my stomach gurgle enough to break the fast. Still 42 hours later was a solid break. Sleeping in a parking lot of a restaurant almost broke me. Uncle Hershel’s platter was luring me back to my empty stomach. Once I fell asleep I was fine. The next morning I felt good. I mean really good. I’ve done some research on the benefits of fasting. Physical and spiritual.

It’s a good cleanse for both.

I was feeling light and euphoric. Music was crisper, my mind was flowing steady and I was hyper focused on my surroundings in front of me. So focused in fact that I didn’t notice the state patrol driving behind me with his lights and siren on. I had Paul Simon’s Graceland blasting in my truck, i was so engrossed I was crying to the chanting of one of his songs. I was driving to the music. Apparently I was steering to the music too.

The state patrol officer turned up his siren just loud enough for me to finally hear it. I looked into my rearview mirror with a resounding “holy fucking shit” I pulled over, rolled my windows down and put on my best charming smile. The trooper walked up to my window

“I’ve been behind you since New Bern”

Me, having no clue when I was in New Bern or what town I was in at that moment.

“Man, I’m sorry I’m in my own little world in here jamming to Paul Simon. I didn’t even notice you”

Smokey – “you were doing 70 in a 55”

Me -“oh was I? Man the speed limit shuffles every half mile up here dude I’m genuinely sorry”

Smokey “You were also crossing the center line of several occasions”

Me- “well shit maybe I was. Graceland is amazing”

Smokey “ Are you impaired?”

Me- “Sir I’ve never been more sober in my life. I’m in my own little world in my truck I’m driving up to camp in the Adirondacks. I’m just excited I guess.

Smokey – “do you have your drivers license and registration?

Me – I’ve got one of those two”

My taxes have been paid but I don’t like going to the DMV. The important part is I’ve paid my taxes. Right?”

Smokey- *stares at me for a long moment, grabs driver’s license “is there anything I should be concerned about on your license?”

Me trying to remember if I paid that parking ticket in Charleston two years ago “I think I’m good. God I hope I am”

“I’m too fragile for jail”

Smokey *cracks a tiny smile

Me *oh thank god I just might make it out of here.

After a couple of minutes the cop comes back. “I could cite you for about 6 things but I’m just going to give you a speeding ticket”

“Thanks my man. I mean officer”

*spits boot polish out the window

Then he smiles “if you’re going to Adirondacks check out Raquette lake. My dad’s favorite spot he wants his ashes strewn there”

I smiled and thanked him for the advice. My morning run in with the state trooper had been a trail marker in disguise. I have no itinerary for this trip. I’ve done zero research I set my sights for the Adirondack mountains with no idea where I was going to go. Officer friendly gave me my first stop on my itinerary.

He handed me my ticket and I set it in the glove compartment. I have no intention of reading the fine amount until I get back home.

As I drove off I started smiling, then I started laughing. Nothing can fuck this flow.

A few years ago I would’ve let that ruin my entire day.

I’d rather not get another one though so Graceland will have to wait a bit before I listen again.

I’m still out of the loop

Somewhat

I’ve got Birds by Neil Young as my first morning writing song.

A migration of love.

Neil could gleek back in the day with the best of them but man his song writing is luring.

I made my first box when I got back yesterday and I stared at it like a foreign object. The hardest thing for me when I go on these little sabbaticals is to bring back the domestication with me. I stare at my station a bit in wonderment, deli still littered with camping gear in little used corners. I’m still battering Barry with camping stories and thoughts. Specials? Features? New menu items? Never heard of em let me tell you about the near fist fight over a guy stealing my battery!

I stare at my prep and sigh

*phone rings

*email dings

Tetherment curls around my ankle like a constricting snake

Hyperbole? Barely

Work beckons

Bills reckon

I lost 4 lbs on this trip. Who goes on vacation and loses weight? Two day fasting probably helped. And the loss of my daily beer.

I wrote about cutting out my one beer last month and I have. I don’t know the amount of days it’s well over 30 plus. I’m fine with it for me it’s just another toy I can’t have because I’ll break it. I’ve got a few of these “breakable toys”, another word for addiction for me.

The beer pissed me off man. It was my reward. It made me feel like I was still part of the team. The socializing team.

Can I socialize without alcohol? Yeah. You can’t though. For me it’s like driving to the ocean with all of your friends and you’re the only one who can’t swim. “Chad can’t go in the water apparently he has the highest risk of drowning”

As everyone else goes and frolics without you. We’ll be back in a few hours. Me- ok! I’ll just go be by myself in hotel room.

“Great enjoy! We are all so proud of you!

That’s your social sobriety scene in one paragraph.

Sober events aren’t for me. I don’t want to go around the table and talk about how it used to control me.

Why I don’t drink anymore

The bad things I used to do with it

I have sobriety fatigue

Not in the way of I’m tired of being sober nope, not even close. I’m wide awake for the first time in my life’s career. I’m not going back. The ocean water is infested with disease, headaches, blackouts, excessive empty calories and depression. I’m the one standing on the beach with my arms crossed wishing I could show you why the water is not good for you but I can’t.

I won’t.

I guess I sorta did

Fatigued. Because I had to make a decision never to swim in that ocean again.

That’s all.

My daughter will soon be at that age where she’s going to want to swim in that water. I’m sure she’s dipped her toes in the surf. I had already at that age.

It bothers me.

But

I can’t lock her up in the hotel room. She will test the water and all I can do is offer is safe refuge. I just hope she swims better than her father did.

That’s all I’ll say.

But yeah that beer. My evening camping beer was my favorite. 10 plus days sitting on my tailgate without my favorite beverage. Well second, vodka will always be number one which is why I’ve gone.. *pulls out calendar and calculator = 1693 days without vodka or any liquor beverage.

*sighs

“I’d die without you” – PM Dawn plays in my headphones.

Oh the irony

My brain still barters for that beer.

“What about just when you’re camping?”

“Date night?”

“Once a week like Saturday night?”

And I’m just sitting here with my hands in my lap

“Nope, I’ll just break it”

Can’t have the nice things

I’m ok. I really am. The elation of knowing I’m in a state of control is a win for me.

But it always feels like a tie

I’m not bending y’all. I’m only observing. Big difference. I’ve got way too much invested in this.

My little sabbatical had nothing to do with this just sometimes I have to let it out to breathe. To be honest this wasn’t the direction I had intended on going with my journal today. It went sideways and I followed it.

Took it out for a solid staring

A spit shine of observance

No reckoning. That was a yesteryear thing.

Maybe it’s because I stared at that beer can at the gas station the other day like a one night stand.

One toe in the water. You bitch

A walk

A walk will do me good.

First

No thanks

Second

I kinda don’t wanna

I tweaked my voice for writing while I was plodding around up north. As I mentioned I wrote a lot. I’ve got a half dozen entries I may or may not post where I went a different pace with my journaling.

Hold please

“Ja mo be there” was playing in my headphones. It had to be changed.

I’m back

It’s funny, to me at least that when I decided to publicly post my journal entries on here I’d be mostly ranting and satire. Mostly comedic jargon and fart jokes.

But

When I got the ball rolling I ended up emptying my trauma guts on here. My heartbreaks, struggles with addiction, fear of failure and depression.

Each word I wrote was a stitch into an old open wound.

Acknowledging

Healing

Coping

All through my writing.

Throw in a spiritual awakening and then I went sideways for another 6-8 months dealing with what felt like a downloaded psychosis that took months to breakdown with careful discernment.

Still breaking it all down.

I will say this standing on the tallest building. Writing has been the biggest impact on my mental health.

Hold one give me a second here my song shuffles are not blending well with this vibe. “Too many puppies” by Primus is a little overwhelming at 5:45am. Honestly there aren’t many relaxing songs I’ll get from a group like Primus.

Not helping my journaling today Les

Back to the story

There’s just something about writing what’s on your mind and reckoning with it. Some of your thoughts and old little traumas can add up in your head. Carry their own weight.

Let it all out. You don’t have to post it publicly I don’t post everything on here but I do write it all out for me to see. It’s become a reference library for reflection. I love reading what I wrote a year or two ago. I can feel the tension or elation, the in betweens, emotions and situations.

My first thought or question

“Does this thought still roam around free in your mind?”

No?

Good

That’s growth old boy

If I read something that makes me cringe a little all it means is that I’ve matured. With my reactions to situations, responses, handling

I got a handle on it.

My focuses on subjects at the time

I wrote about my struggles with the deli. Do I still have them? Yep, but they don’t roam in my head like they used to. I’m able to look back on my writing and see the hurdles I’ve already jumped.

No need to return.

Returning is a pattern I’ve helped demolish through writing comprehension.

It’s also a refresher to remind me of the things I said I’d accomplish but fell back into the reality soup.

“Oh yeah I was going to take karate this year”

Huwaaaaaaaaaaah 🥋

“Your wildest dreams” Moody Blues is in my ears.

Once beneath the stars
The universe was ours
Love was all we knew
And all I knew was you

This song probably isn’t about what you think it.

*murky tangent

I’m still in my own world folks

My trip is still downloading. I’ve actually been a tad grumpy. Domestication is trying its best to strap me back on that saddle.

I don’t think I can get back on that horse anymore.

I’m out of sorts. Don’t hit that refresh button though it’s suppose to be this way.

Sammie Davis Jr is singing “I’ve Gotta Be Me” right now. Now that’s some fucking synchronized shit.

“I’ve just go to be meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

And then “I want to break free”

Thanks Freddy

6:15 and I’m syncing like the Titanic.

Sea what I did there?

Ouch

Anyway yeah I’m tweaking my voice on here a bit.

Maybe it’s a download I’m trying to assimilate

Maybe

Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Thanks Mr. Mercury for that song

No more song paring for the morning. My sync is full.

I’m here all day folks.

Yesterday was the first day I haven’t written in awhile. I spent my day fixing up our spare bedroom for Lily’s friends who are coming over before the football game Friday. It’s a simple little room made to give our daughter essentially a living space next to her bedroom. A sense of privacy in her domain upstairs. I had zero privacy as a teen. We didn’t even have locks on any of the doors in our house. Privacy is important to teenagers. Especially young ladies. She had a daybed and a little chest of drawers with a tv on top. That wasn’t going to work for friends coming over so spruced it up a tad. I drove around town to find some accessories and fixed up her room. She was grateful.

She’s my daughter. That’s the only reason I need.

I’m mentally watching myself from above to observe any physical and mental changes during my trip. I’ve written on here from time to time about how your behavioral loops and routines can get a healthy shake up when you go on vacation or do something consistently that takes you out of your comfort zones. I mixed a few of these together to create an internal cocktail to knock me off my old stagnant rhythm.

In my brief experience of acknowledging and understanding my cycles, loops, habits and rituals I began to notice how my routines would change a little, I’d feel out of wack because of the discomfort and I’d work my way back to my old self, my old ways.

It’s just easier.

I’m back home after my social media sabbatical and it took no time for my phone to gravitate back towards my hand again. I’m sitting in my favorite spot on my sofa, coffee to my left, cat to my right. Three days ago I was probably stirring a fire back to life while spilling coffee grounds on my tailgate. No morning yoga on cold wet grass and no hour of poised silence and journaling at this time. All of my writing was done in the afternoon or evening time after I found my plot for the day.

My last day off yesterday was also met with multiple work phone calls and some head scratching observations when I came into my deli.

“Welcome home big boy” *reality winks

Domestication rears its ugly head.

It’s 6:15am and I’m already counting the minutes before I don my work clothes and pack my gym shoes. Head off at 7:30 and come back home at 5:12-5:20.

Shower (again)

Rest

Eat

Sleep

I just summarized 75% of my daily life.

Oh and I pay bills

Now we’re done

A week ago I had no idea what my next day itinerary would be

Where I would rest

Place to sleep

Weather forecasts. I didn’t open my weather app one time. If the region smelled like rain I’d move to another. Temperature? Stick my head outside or feel my truck windshield.

I cooked and ate what I had. I left a crucial part of my cooking system in another box and had to change how I prepared my meals. All I had was a little jetboil and a butane grill.

Sleep? You sleep as well as the weather allows you. If it’s 80° at night you’re gonna sweat. Pouring rain is not as romantic as you think it is when camping. Speaking of weather I had a cloud as big as the entire sky begin to swirl over me outside of Pennsylvania. It felt like someone turned off the lights in the sky. I’ve never pulled off of to an exit because of clouds. Glad I did as the sky dropped an entire ocean over the horizon. Zero visibility as I sat parked next to a large brick department store in case I had to seek shelter. I’ve never seen a storm drop so fast.

That’s more comfort zone exercise than I care for. I was already in route home and a little worn down.

But

Now I’m home and man I’m craving that storm

That cold shivering morning feeling

The smell of burning wood on my clothes

The delight of cresting a ridge of a new town

A new reality

We procure our own reality. Most of us simplify it down to auto mode. That’s about where I am at the moment. Coffee, soft sofa, phone in my face, cozy room, mood lighting the way we like it. The upcoming task of work coming into view for the day. The work that we will not go above and beyond because it’s become like brushing our teeth or tying our shoes. When was the last time you observed how you brush your teeth? We do it in our walking sleep. Most of our daily lives could be labeled that way

Walking sleep.

Compulsive digital scrolling

Repetitive, useless behaviors, under- stimulated, little dopamine dabs.

Zoochosis

Look it up.

“psychological distress and repetitive, compulsive behaviors people develop from living in the unnatural, confined environment of modern society”

Most of us suffer from it. In our self created captivity. I know I do oh man do I. It’s hard as hell to walk away from all of the reels, comments, updates etc..

It felt good to break that chain for two weeks. All of the chains.

The difficult part is stopping yourself from stepping back into the cage once you taste your behavioral freedom.

“Why do you stay in prison when the door is wide open?”– Rumi

That quote always rides side saddle with me. Especially right now as I watch myself try to crawl back behind that door.

I’m painstakingly observing the process. One pulls me in (comfort) while the other tries pulls me out (fear)

Of course you want the comfort, it’s so much easier man.

I’m stretch Armstrong right now. 😱👋🏼——-🧑🏼‍🦲—— 🤟🏼 😇

That was bad..

“Let’s go back and chill Gangwer

Or

“Let’s go fuck some shit up“

Your choice

You’re living in your own private Idaho by the B-52s plays in my ears

Damn

That’s what I’m trying to escape. My little Idaho.

Idaho is beautiful btw

Not all music synchronizes. The current song is Johnny Blue Skies “Stay on that D baby till you hit that G”

It actually does fit. I’m gonna stay on that delirium until I hit that gold.

Good one Johnny

Man I’m just rambling. I’m rambling to keep my awareness that the guy sitting on the sofa is craving zoochosis while the guy typing is trying to hit that G.

Typing guy is gonna win this one.

Only the truck is parked. My mind is not.

I’m gonna let this trip finish its unfolding.

Later gators 🐊