Bearded Gang

We’re moving soon. No we aren’t relocating to another state or country although I’d love to throw a dart at a map and load up the truck. I told my wife this idea and threw in “best two or out of three” options just in case the dart landed on Kansas or Ohio. No brainer, I’d drop it all for Colorado, Utah, Arizona or Oregon.

None of this is happening

Yet

We have a daughter in her sophomore year in high school. Our lives for the next two years will be centered around her stability of friends and school. After that who knows? Don’t get be wrong I love Greenville it’s my hometown. It’s not what it used to be. It’s tiring living in a city that’s trying its damndest to be something that it’s not. The charm has left the room.

I’ve lived here long enough to say that.

No we’ll be moving somewhere within our daughter’s school district for the next two or three years.

Brief summary of our housing the last 16 years- we lived in San Souci for 11 after rapidly relocating from a 900 sq ft loft condo on Church once we became a family of three. The home was never home although it was meant to be our family house for good.

Bad energy, bad memories along with some wild home maintenance issues for 11 years accumulated into a demon infested home with some real bad juju. Demons mostly being mine.

We moved out after my parting with my old company. We needed a new venue to shake off the old mess of things. I carried my demons with me into this home for the first 6 months or so but I righted the ship over time. I had a lot of help.

We’ve been renting this little house for five years. I don’t mind renting especially when at the time we had no idea where things were going to go for just about anything in our life. Something breaks one phone call and it’s fixed. We went from 4bd 3ba to a 2bd 1 bath. Quite the jump. 2600 sq ft to 1000 if the windows are open. We discarded a lot of shit. We are about to do it again.

We received a call from our landlord that they were selling the house. The landlord sounded a little upset I guess they enjoyed having us as a tenant for the last 5 years. It’ll be 5 years on the nose February 1st.

My wife was hesitant in telling me and I get it I’m a comfort zone person. As much as I like new things I’m slow to change big things and it throws me off for a bit. You absorb energy from your surroundings and it gives back.

Im attached to this little home.

But

At the same time I looked at my wife and said “you know what? I think it’s time to move.”

“We’re at the end of a cycle. 5 years. In those five years I’ve sobered up, we acclimated to a slower lifestyle, we’ve defeated demons and shedded some old toxic routines”

This little home on Hillcrest was a sanctuary for healing and peace. It harmonized with a tired family, a family that needed a slower pace. Lick our wounds, sit in stillness and repair.

It did what was intended.

The next move will not be the finale by any means but I see it as the launch. Being comfortable for the last 5 years, we need a small push into the right direction. The next home will be a lobby, waiting room, the place before you board the train or flight. It will feel temporary for a couple of years. Temporary may be the wrong term. We will be in queue for a bit.

A healthy one nonetheless.

I like this little home, my feet are resting on my coffee table I bought from a yard sale 13 years ago. A solid Crate and Barrel chest that’s held my feet up a thousand times plus. Put a side by side Chad next to each other. The one from Tindal rd (San Souci) to the guy sitting here now.

Jekyll say hello to Hyde. We made our peace awhile back. I only keep Hyde around for emergencies.

What will I become next? Or is the transition done? Is there anymore cocooning? Probably. I still feel like I’m downloading Chad 5.0

My only need for next home is a place I can store my camping gear and maybe an extra bathroom. Gas oven would be ideal but I’m not the chef snob I once was.

And then what? I don’t know man and honestly I’m not even thinking about it. My life has worked out a lot better for me when I stopped looking ahead and started looking around. I know it’ll involve chickens, a goat or two and maybe an alpaca. Enough property that if someone wants to pull up and camp have at it.

A creek would be nice.

It’s not the plot of land that’s important only the plot of life.

Cheers

Greeted by a full moon to the face first thing this morning.

Part of my daily routine is I’ll go outside first thing in the morning with my bottle of water and stand in the grass barefoot. I’ll look up at the stars if they aren’t hiding behind the clouds and take in my little cosmos. The grass is usually damp and always cold. Sometimes I’ll get some crunchy vibes when it’s really cold. I’ll stand with my water in both hands and speak into my glass. I’ll have some nice things to say to Mr. Water glass and have a quick and easy breathing session before returning inside. All I’m doing is letting my water know that I’m grateful for its hydration and memory. We make a solid team together. I’m barefoot to ground with the earth. The earth is a sentient being. It gives off a low hertz of 7.83 which is referred to the Schumann resonance. It’s considered the world’s heartbeat. If you want an idea of what I’m referring to grab some headphones and listen to hertz at 7.83. You can do it with Spotify, YouTube or Apple. It’s not something you want to dance to by any means it’s meant to relax you.

Soothe your soul.

We are meant to bond with earth. I’m not being a hippie it’s science. Respect her and she’ll return the favor. Piss her off and she’ll respond in kind.

If you aren’t familiar with brain waves (I’m by no means an expert) they are the electrical signals and patterns in your brain linked to your state of consciousness. They are paired with levels of hertz that correspond to your body/mind/soul. I’m not a learned doctor of medicine or anything remotely medical so when I’m explaining something to you I’m breaking it down in terms that I can relate to.

Delta (.5-4h)- deep sleep, snoring with your mouth open. Possible drool pooling in your pillow.

Theta (4-8h) – this what I try to achieve when I’m doing nightly meditation before bed. 30 minutes in a deep relaxed state, almost half asleep. My mind gets into a quiet creative mode when I stay aware. I use this for my deli ideas and spiritual practice.

Alpha (8-12h) this is my morning routine. I’m at ease, stretching, feet in the grass. Im collecting my thoughts slowly, haven’t planned out my day or even thought about work. I’ll sit with my headphones on with calm playlist, glasses off and sit in a quiet setting for 20 minutes. I’m right in between being alert and asleep. Most of you drive around in your cars while in this mode. That’s just my inserted opinion.

Beta (13-30h) – my current wave I’m riding. This is my favorite. I’m focused, writing in my journal, coffee has reached my system, I’ve got a thousand ideas running around in my mind right now. I feel good. I’m in this mode when I walk.

Gamma (30 +h) you’re in the zone. You’re steering short sharp turns on your mountain bike with ease, TPS reports are flying out, you flipped your over easy egg without busting the yolk. People who work high level performance jobs can maintain this better than others. You’re flowing with the fast current.

I’ve got about 20 projects I’m working on today. I’ll be in gamma mode for half my day.

When I go back inside I’ll warm my feet back up by doing a quick and easy 50 mini jumps to get my blood flowing followed by stretching with my cat who always comes to lie next to me when I’m sprawled out on the floor. She’s either concerned with my positioning or she thinks we’re bonding.

I grab my coffee, sit on my sofa and start writing before my mind wanders off. I write until my brain decides that’s enough. Afterwards I’ll exercise and go for my walk. My old routine used to include a healthy breakfast before 7:30 but over the last few months I’ve moved it to noon. Or at least I’ve tried to. Your body and mind slows down when your stomach is in digestion mode. I used to get frustrated when I had all these ideas I’d want to implement in my deli but once I had my breakfast my creativity faded. As did my energy. On busy days I’d forget to eat and realized I could stay in a good cadence of creativity and flow when I wasn’t tied down with a full stomach. I’m not starving myself by any means I just don’t believe we are meant to eat as much as we were told to. My food intake for the most part before dinner now is mostly fruit, nuts and soft boiled eggs. My stomach stays light as does my thinking. My mind stays agile. Dinner? I’m not picky. I try to keep it somewhat clean but I’ll still put some shitty things in my stomach to feel like I’m enjoying the dangerous zest of processed foods. I still eat potato chips from time to time and keep me away from sweets I’ll eat em all. I don’t care to eat 1.2 grams of protein per lb of my body weight or whatever the spec is anymore. I probably ingest 60-70 grams of protein a day. My body and strength have maintained the same consistency since the days of my obsessed gym years. My own personal opinion is your body is not made to push it to the limits daily or even weekly. You aren’t meant to run 50 miles a week, heave heavy bars of weights over your head. My body is not happy with my old habits and decisions. I’ve spent the last two years stretching and repairing my joints. Lightweights for body movements and flexibility. That’s all I do now. I’m not trying to bench 275 again I’m trying to reach items on the top shelf without screaming in pain. I’ve managed to heal a lot of my body with concentration and intention. I haven’t had carpal tunnel in three years. My knees no longer squeak when I walk. My shoulders are my main issue right now. I’m working on it. When I do workout it’s short sessions of 15 minutes twice a day.

No more long distance anything. It’s not necessary. Am I losing endurance? Not really. I gauge my endurance by my hiking stride. I still hike at the same speed, climb the same grades without pause. If anything I’m more flexible and my knees aren’t cringing on the downhills anymore. I could run 5 miles right now if I had to. I would hate myself the next day though.

It’s my weekend. So far I’ve done everything that I’ve intended to do. My belly is full of coffee, sun is cresting while the moon fades. I’ll go on my 4 mile walk while I keep my mind clear.

My other morning routine is a little parasitic cleanse. It’s an unpleasant thing to think about but our bodies are full of them. They cause stomach issues, inflammation, brain fog, illnesses and all other sorts of fun shit. I used to have bloating issues all the time. I take some activated charcoal first thing in the morning and a little later chase it with a mixture of wormwood, black walnut, soursop and cloves. I do this for two weeks and then take a week off.

We all have parasites. Don’t believe me? Try a parasitic cleanse and see what comes out. You got pets? Yeah you have parasites in you. Are you scratching yourself yet while reading this?

I’ll also chew on some apricot seeds. They taste terrible. Haritaki powder with my water too. I’m one of those people now. I don’t care.

I’m not telling you that you should do this. I’m not here to sell you anything. All I’m saying is my mind is sharper than it’s ever been or has in years. Yes cutting alcohol out helps too.

I needed to write today and this is what came out. Time to walk and live my life. Toodles

No scrolling yesterday for the most part. I caught myself at traffic lights looking down at my phone checking for IG messages for work. When I wouldn’t see any I’d start scrolling my little dopamine pics and reels almost subconsciously and then I’d stop. Putting my phone down gave me better focus at work obviously and I needed it since the health department came in to visit me yesterday morning right when I opened. I love the whole “2026 is going to be my year!” and in walks the health inspector while I have $500 in stock that just arrived all over my counters. I have no issue whatsoever with my inspector. She’s professional and friendly. We got an A. Of course we got an A. I did find out that I can’t have my multi vitamins on my prep table. 2 point demerit for being healthy.

Perspective- if she had come in last week while I was wrestling with 40 boxes it might’ve gone down differently. I’m getting too old for this stuff says Chad everyday.

Where was I? Oh yes scrolling or the act of not.

When I got home from work my phone battery was at 70%. It’s usually 20%. I allocate a little TikTok after 7pm. My fam and I share reels with each other to watch. And then I went offline again and sat with my eyes closed with my headphones and vest. It’s like a calm theme park ride.

It felt good to disassociate from the world for the day. Day one down. Facebook is the one that gets to me the most. Even IG I can ignore most of the propaganda but Facebook feeds off of it. I don’t need to say more.

I had considered camping this weekend but I’m still in work flow and since I have a half dozen projects planned I’m tackling while I have focus. I’m not ready for a reset yet I’m taking advantage of my momentum. I’m hyper aware of not going overboard this time it’s actually been refreshing to allow my creativity to take over for a bit. It’s a bit chilly in the mountains and all of my gear is in winter stow mode. Utah and AZ have been calling my soul again.

It’ll be a minute before I do another long trip.

It’s Saturday, I have one charcuterie box scheduled for the day and that’s ok. I came real close to burn out last month. Again

I’ve got a charcuterie menu sitting in about 12 pieces on my kitchen floor. Sounds about right.

Wife asked me what my new year changes were this year and I told her I was sort of making up as I go. I’ve got a few that revolve around my mental clutter. They are all somewhat connected.

Hobbies? More photography. Not phone screenshots they’ll go down dramatically with my social media scrolling. I’ve got a camera on my mind. I’ve always enjoyed photography I’ve just never taken it seriously.

I deleted my Facebook app the only access I have is through my messenger. It allows me to go online and post and leave. If you’re commenting I’m not seeing it. Not ignoring.

It’s a me not you thing.

Well some of you. I had quite the friend list for some time. I grew mine to grow my brand for work. Most of the time I’m looking at my feed thinking “who the fuck is this?” I started playing a game of finding random reasons to unfollow people. Squat trucks were the very first. People who share links from unreliable news sources like “The North Korean Patriots for Christ” were next. Yeah I made that up but it wouldn’t surprise me to see this pop up in my feed soon.

All of my high school friends posting AI generated videos. It’s time to bow out gracefully you guys.

Man this little music vest is fun

Sturgill is shaking my couch right now. I’m sorry he’s Johnny Blue Skies now. Listen to Jupiter’s Fairie if you haven’t. My favorite song on the album. We need more Johnny and less news.

I have to say having my little kitty friend sitting next to me while I write is probably one of the favorite parts of my early day. And sturg (Johnny) in my headphones 🎧

Peace and elbow grease.

No social media today. It’s 5:42am I’ve done my morning routine of cold water face rinse (I doubt you’ll ever get me to stick to the plunge thingy), yoga stretch, feet grounding outside and yes the grass is cold. I’ve made my coffee and taken my two first sips. The second is always better than the first.

By this time I’m shuffling medias back and forth, watching reels sent to me, answering messages, judging status updates and finding bits and pieces of the compromised news online. I did the no social media for the most part yesterday although I did scroll for a bit before I got my day started which is probably the worst time to do so.

I am gravitating towards Substack so far it seems to be a little more grounded and I can choose my algorithm to fit my own preferences. I get headaches from the Facebook eye rolling and it’s pretty much been weaponized to distract us and divide. Sure that’s a little over the top but is it really? Also it’s impossible to post even something comedic without inciting or flaring someone’s emotions. I get it there are certain subjects that make me want to thump heads on here but each day I backspace a little more and put my phone down. I refuse to lose my peace over someone online.

My screen time average is about 7-8 hours a day. Thats obviously not all social media my journaling is from my phone, emails, online orders, work messages but I’m willing to bet at least 4 hours of it is senseless droning online and media. Bored at a traffic light? Juggle my apps

In between box orders? Scroll on Facebook

Get home from work, shower, sit on the sofa and my phone is a permanent attachment to my hand for the evening. I’m very self aware of it and it bothers me a lot of the time. TV does nothing for me now if I do watch something it’s a movie or show I’ve seen a dozen times so it’ll play in the background on the big screen while I watch things on the little one in my hand.

Yesterday I spent about an hour on my phone total. Maybe hour and a half.

It was exhausting.

My mind still clung to the dopamine chase. So what did I do? I redid our whole dining room at our home, repainted all the scuffs on the wall at my deli, ordered 16 new bar stools, cut planks for four new tables and did some arts and crafts for a new charcuterie menu. All before 3pm.

I closed the deli yesterday so I could relax.

I will be searching for some less aerobic dopamine kicks today. Writing works, reading does also. I’ve got quite the list of books to read this year.

I got a gaming vest for Christmas. I’m not a gamer in fact the only game system I have is one of those Chinese plug and play systems with 2000 games from the 80’s and 90’s. I’ll play for about 10 minutes before I start getting a headache. The vest is an added bonus to my headphones when I meditate. It’s not always meditation sometimes I’ll sit on the sofa and vibe to music. I’m in my own little happy world. Add the vest with its vibrations and it’s amazing. I highly HIGHLY recommend trying this with a good 120-130 bpm song and eyes covered. It’s amazing. Physical Graffiti- Led Zeppelin with all these attachments will make your whole evening. I found this out last night. While everyone else was watching sports ball I was sitting by a candle floating in outer space with a vibrating bra.

Life lately

Led Zeppelin is the greatest band of all time. Are they my favorite band? No but that doesn’t change the fact that they are the elite of the elite.

They are a tad difficult to listen to while you’re writing though

*changes playlist

Paul’s Boutique it is

My cat likes the vest. She thinks her big dumb friend is purring. I kinda am to be honest. I feel good this morning. I haven’t read 4000 ridiculous opinions of others today. This may become a good trend.

Is it necessary to become emotionally attached to news all around the world?

Back to work today although I spent 5 hours at the deli it didn’t feel like it. I’m still in holiday mode I’m physically and emotionally attached to the deli it’s been my home for the last two months.

I closed down my chadcuterie account for the most part. It’s still up and will be for some time. I’ve got quite the gallery collection on there and I still have to reckon with orders from that platform until everyone evolves to online ordering. That may take months to a year. I’m tired of the commitment to posting. I may change my mind. I do it quite often. Wife handles Grazeland posts so I don’t have to deal with it.

I’m rambling a bit

With this vest, goggles and headphones I look like some sort of post apocalyptic steamer punk boomer. Like some version of Rutger Hauer in Blade Runner VI. Or an extra from Mad Max.

Add Eric B and Rakim to the best of the vest vibes. Don’t sweat the technic. My coffee is vibrating. Not sure if that’s the vest or the caffeine..

Peace and elbow grease

This may be a long one then again I might be able to shore it up quickly.

Today marks 4 years without a hangover, blackout, being drunk, vodka, Jameson, fireball, tequila etc.

My mouth has not touched a vodka and cranberry since 2021.

I haven’t woken up with regrettable thoughts

Headaches

Dehydrated

Confused

Depressed

4 years

The first year I was on a thin walking wire with blinders on.

Second year it got a little easier for me and man telling myself in 2023 that I made it the whole year was quite a boast for me. It energized me to stay the course. After two years I had to use a calculator to add up the days of my feat.

The third year I knew as long as I stayed on my feet, committed that my third year would be a breeze.

And it was

Year four was almost an afterthought. I can say this because I my thoughts no longer struggle with alcohol.

My last hangover would be 4 years ago today. It was a doozy and I made it one on purpose because something inside of me told me it would be for the last time so you better “enjoy” it while you can.

4 years

48 months

1460 days

Hell I haven’t even tried cranberry juice by itself. Doubt I will.

There’s liquor in my house. I’m fine with it. The only time I’ll touch the bottle is if I’m cleaning off the top of the place where it sits. I made peace with it. Actually I’ve made peace with a lot of things over the last 4 years.

Myself being the most important.

No more mental wars. No more self destruction. Man I was a master with that one. There were two sides of me fighting with each other. The raging maniac who wanted to conquer the world and the other guy who only wanted to be still. To do the right thing.

4 years, the still one walked out of the rubble of my mind alone.

Fierce

Strong

Wise

Healed

The conquerer slowly faded with my clout hungry ego. He conquered alright. He consumed me for most of my adult life.

He’s gone. We withered away with my addictions.

I don’t think I’m healing anymore. I’m growing. You never stop growing when you take the ceiling away. I’m not sure when I went from healing to augmenting. Hell it could be right now when i acknowledge it. Maybe 2026 is focusing on extending.

No more healing

No more reckoning I (he) ended that 6 months ago. I stayed latched to that for a bit. Like a pacifier to keep me from stepping out of my comfort zone. The still guy bested that reckoning. I owe it all to him.

I’m grounded for the first time in my life.

Level

I’ve changed over the last 4 years.

Evolved

Alcohol was my comfort zone for all my adult life. It was the only way I could socialize. I still struggle with socializing not because I need alcohol but because you do. Every function seems to revolve around alcohol.

But

Every year it seems to be declining. People are beginning to wake up.

4 years

During this period I’ve made advances in my mind, body and soul. I didn’t make a list of things I would fix after I stopped drinking. I simply stopped drinking and a bridge in my mind opened up. Alcohol puts a governor on your brain.

I say this with complete certainty and confidence.

You cannot achieve your best self while clinging to alcohol. You may think you have it under control but even the thought itself suggests otherwise.

The bridge, it didn’t open overnight, shine a beacon of light over a span.

It’s gradual. It’s one step forward without a calendar. It’s a download of resistance and faith. Faith in yourself.

Devotion to yourself.

All alcohol is its liquid distraction from clarity.

Harmony

I no longer hate myself in fact I love being friends with this guy, He’s teaching me something new everyday. I have thoughts that come from him I’ve never experienced before.

Patience

Reserve

Humility in the humblest and kindest of ways

I’ve changed y’all and I feel like it’s only just beginning.

Tune in to yourself. Your mind is an antenna. Nature is your WiFi network. Literally put your feet in the grass and smile at the sun.

Somedays when I’m camping I literally feel like I’m floating.

Alcohol blocks your path

It impairs your body

It slows your mind

It governs your life

You may miss out on a lot of parties but you regain your sovereignty. Sovereignty is the key. When you’re in control life begins to flow.

I observe quite a few of you out there that struggle. I want to shake you and hold your head, look you in the eye and say

You can stop

All you have to do is get through the first day of it. Every morning is the first day. When you’re training for that marathon you don’t walk out of your house with your running shoes on thinking

I have to run 26.2188 miles soon

You’ve already turned yourself off from it.

I never once woke up for the first few months thinking “I’m never drinking again”

Everyday my conversation with myself was “I’m not drinking today”

Tomorrow doesn’t matter only the present does.

You do this every single day until you no longer have to.

You remove or avoid your triggers

I took myself out of the bars. When you stop your drinking friends will release you from their grips. They’ll fade away.

Your circle doesn’t shrink it tightens.

My advice? Journal your thoughts, accomplishments. Meditate. It changed my life. This isn’t me trying to be an influencer. I’m trying to encourage you to save your life. I’ve lost more friends and family to drugs and alcohol than I have to cancer and illness. I’ve got a few more on their way out because of it.

I’m not preaching just bringing awareness.

Alcohol consumption will poison you. Change your chemistry. Limit your growth.

Once it’s gone your life goes 8k, Dolby surround sound folks.

I’m not selling books.

I walked up to my bathroom mirror this morning. I don’t say “I’m not drinking today” anymore. It’s no longer necessary. I looked in it and said “four years my friend” and man I started crying. It was an amazing release.

That’s something else putting the bottle down will do to you. Your emotions will be pulled from you. All the unreleased trauma comes spilling out.

Let it all go man. Woman.

It’s January 1, 2026. I personally think this year will be amazing. One for the books. I’ve committed to some new challenges and changes this year. I feel it will define my future a little more. I’m changing my past, present and the future will follow suit as intended.

Stillness is my friend.

4 years.

Done.

If you read these journal entries then you’ve probably heard me talk about my transitioning into different pieces of myself after a long arduous holiday of slinging salami. Doesn’t sound very profound when I put it that way I know but jargon can be five and dime at times.

Your body and mind loses some of its habitual control over the course of time when you take it out of its comfort zone. You’re forced to reckon with thoughts you normally have to time to ignore or push away. You don’t deal with as many distractions. Your routines are put away until you finish all of the tasks presented to you.

For the first three years I felt like it was a punishment. Salt on my reckoning. Humility blended with exhaustion. Last year at this time I sat down and my first thought was “You have 10 months until we do this again”.

I had to stop visualizing this as a punishment. I should say have because it still feels this way. My boxes for New Year’s Eve are only half of what they were last year and yet I’m like “phew” instead of “fuck”.

It’s not a punishment. It’s quite beneficial to my growth.

That said, it’s not something I intend on doing

Every

Single

Year

My one coworker Barry helped with boxes this year I usually keep him on sandwiches and prep for assembly but I have my other guy who’s my main back up boxer as I call it. I had Barry this season make only one box over and over again. My number two does the big daddy’s. When he comes in he asks how many boxes and that’s all he needs to know. It’s a good system, muscle memory is key. I did the same with Barry and Grazers this year. He probably made 40 to my 500 boxes this holiday.

“If I had to make boxes everyday I don’t think I’d last two months before I’d have to quit. Barry has worked for me for almost 12 years. He was my km at Southern, my number one prep guy before that. Southern had over 80 prep items it was very prep intensive hell all of my concepts have been. He worked eggs at brunch which was the hardest station. Barry did it with ease. He’s a machine. Plus being my punching bag for a decade. All it took was 40 boxes of charcuterie for him to say in his own words fuck off if you think I can do this full time.

Listen Barry

I get it dude.

I want to ask other charcuterie makers if they deal with this. I also want to ask if they’ve ever made 30 plus boxes in one shift.

Anyhoo

Year five is done. Where I was going with this is I go through a transition after each time. It took two years for me to realize it. Two more for me to see a pattern and now year five I can feel it stewing. It’s not a cocoon anymore I’m floating in its current.

I feel the changes. This time my soul is setting the intention more clearly. There’s no more waking up thinking “well that’s a new thought” in my head it’s now a map of directional flow. I’ve set quite a bar for myself this time. I’m going full intuition mode.

No shaman shit. Or at least not yet. I don’t like the wardrobe.

The stone is set. It’s time to sculpt.

Time to wave the wand

Abracadabra alakazam.

Presto

Not sure where all of that came from

When you begin to recognize the patterns, the signs you flow easier. I used to fight them before I found out they were friends with benefits.

Still. I don’t intend for this to be an annual occurrence. I’d like my diploma soon. Or whatever it is you achieve these days. I have found myself in the past fighting the current when all it’s been doing is navigating my way.

This year I’m tubing down the river rapids be damned.

Cheers.

Sometime between 5-6pm exactly 16 years ago my life changed forever. My daughter Lillian Eva Gangwer was born in a small hospital room at Saint Francis hospital. It took her a minute to wake up probably the longest minute of my life but when she awoke it was a healthy little scream. My brain pinged and my dad instincts began running full speed.

Sweet 16. I’ve been told by quite a few of my parental friends that I would lose my daughter’s delight for a few years during her teens and I’m still waiting for it. I’ve made it my life’s mission to raise my daughter to the best of my abilities. If there’s anything I can say about that is I’ve strived everyday to hold that to my virtue. Granted I’ve had the best of help over those 16 years. I was mostly absent for half of those years trying to sustain a business. I made the decision 5 years ago that my family came first from here on out and it was the best decision I’ve ever made.

Watching Lily grow into a young woman has been like reading novel by my favorite author. From picking green beans out of her hair to making sure I don’t mess her hair up when I give her a hug everyday I’ve been in a wonder. I miss the bedtime stories but I do occasionally get her head on my shoulder when we are together on the couch. We have a coffee date once a week and now I’m self conscious because the baristas make conversation about it when we come in.

I hope the coffee dates continue well into her adulthood though.

I love this child with all my heart y’all.

One of the reasons why I stopped drinking is because she used to draw pictures of me with a glass of vodka in my hand. That’s how she associated with me and my “hobby”. She’s half the reason why I’ve been trying to grow myself into a better person.

That’s what love does to you.

I wince at her adolescence at times knowing she’s slowly becoming her own person. I miss the 8 year old girl who wanted to do all the things with me. Shop with me, hike with me, ride with me. I’m watching her evolve into a young woman. Dresses like one.

Acts like one. Sometimes too much.

She’s grounded like her mother.

She’s smart. Haven’t figured out where that came from yet.

Jk

Listen y’all, she’s just a sweetheart. She’s a good soul. Some old and some new. She listens to old school country music like her dad does. 80’s pop and some of the newer shit that I can’t tell you who sings it.

My wife and I were talking about something just yesterday and she said “at least they like Lily” and my immediate response was “who the fuck wouldn’t like Lily?” She’s the nicest kid you’ll ever meet.

I love how she enjoys her own company and time.

She’s bullheaded like her grandmother. Strong willed and indifferent to things that seem to bother the rest of us. I think this generation and the one under it will be the ones to pull away from all the bullshit.

Sometimes while I’m sitting on my sofa I find myself just staring at her thinking “I can’t believe I helped make this”.

And then she’ll look at me and say “whut?” In her teenager voice. Oh I do get some eye rolls and the occasional “ok Roland” when I come across as boomerish. I’ve never laid a hand on this kid. I popped her bottom one time when she was two and I wanted to move a thousand miles away to keep me from ever doing it again. It wasn’t hard enough to even register a small slapping sound but she thought it did.

She’s into boys now. This is where I have to evolve and grow up a little. Am I protective? Well no shit I am.

But

I have to slowly release my grip on the dad shield. I’m happy when she’s happy. I know her heart will get broken eventually we all have to experience it.

Endure it.

I have never not cried when she cries she just doesn’t get to see it. I hope she has a good time finding love. I won’t step in between as a father I’m here to support and protect when necessary. That’s all I need to say.

I trust my daughter’s judgment. Doesn’t mean I won’t be giving my opinion though. Lord have mercy on anyone that may disrespect her. I’m from Piedmont.

She’s taller than her mom and grandmother now. I have to raise my heels to give her a kiss on her head.

Sixteen. What a life this is man. I still crave the pint size version of you sitting in my lap while we read Where The Wild Things Are. Or making you sprint to the car when I picked you up from Duncan Chappel elementary. Giggling while you ran dragging your backpack.

Man this kid makes me cry at the drop of a hat.

*wipes a tear

It’s weird as a pre parent I always said I’d raise my child with a strong work ethic. Work hard. That’s how I was raised. It’s beneficial at times. I had someone at the deli last year remark about my daughter sitting in my little break room while we were a little kid busy “you should get Lily to come out and help”

Nah

Play your heart out kid.

Because once you start working you never stop.

I lost a lot of my late childhood to work. Live your life undomesticated kid. It’s how it was intended. I’m probably a small fraction of parents that tell their kids to take a break before you assume college is next. Don’t fall into the trap. I get a lot of weird looks from other parents when she tells them that.

Play your heart out Lily.

Happy birthday my kiddo. I’m living my best life because of you.

I’ve got some decluttering on my mind for next year. Not just cleaning out my closet or garage this is a top to bottom cleanse

Home

Environment

Head

Body

It’s what the little voice/light in my head is steering me towards. It’s been pushing me all year to this direction but it gets a little brighter every day.

Illuminating intuition

Lamp post navigation

Trail markers

New years is a good day to reset or it has been for me. I’m slowly moving my mindset towards that direction. It’s a challenge but I keep going back to when I retired from vodka I thought it was a daunting task but in retrospect it really wasn’t that difficult once I put my mind to it. That’s a little hidden gem I have and a good one I got from my mother. Once I’ve made up my mind there’s no going back. I’m wrapping my mind up as we draw closer.

A game plan of sorts.

A cleansing of mind, body and soul. Decluttering isn’t just cleaning up and organizing your home although it’s a great way for me to start. Downsizing my camping setup was step one for me.

That’s all I’m going to say about that right now. I’m not that superstitious but I’ve found things work out for me better when I apply it and work it out on my own before I talk about it. I didn’t post about my sobriety until I hit 60 days. I feel like I’ve hit a snag in my own growth the last few months. I’m just lightening up the load a tad.

I’m beginning to feel normal again after the holidays. I already feel a transition molding. Focus changing. I’m getting better at shedding the lifelong barnacles that cling to me.

I’m going from a reckoning to a discarding.

2026 will be an interesting one. My intuition said the same thing last year and it was on point.

I think this one will be one for the books.

What do you mean Chad?

Can’t say

Not sure

No I’m not trying to sound ominous or dark.

Let’s just see how it goes.

My daughter turns 16 next week. I know a lot of you on here are anti child rearing and I get it. I was the same exact way. If I have the luxury of having a moment of reflection on my deathbed, 99% of those memories will involve being a parent in a small family. There is absolutely nothing else that will compare to that experience.

I am eternally grateful for what I have. Period

I’ve got my eye on the weather map for next year. I need some campfire time. I reckon give got at least a month before my upgraded camping rig is done. Patience is not my strong point. I’m just happy to have some insulated camping for once.

Putting some new focus on outdoor photography. No I’m not going to do mini shoots or the like. I’ve always wanted a real camera it just doesn’t feel the same using my cellphone. I know I sound like a boomer.

Tomorrow I get to enjoy a regular day off again. And maybe even Monday who knows? Charcuterie today is mid and I’m ok with that. Lot of menu changes on the horizon it’ll be fun.

Peace and elbow grease y’all.

I jokingly told my wife yesterday that I was done with my 6 week work release program yesterday when I got home from work. It’s done as I predicted it would do, kept me in a whirlwind of box orders and customs from sun up to sundown. Today will be my first day since around mid November that I won’t be at work for anything. An actual rest day. We had around 60 plus boxes yesterday I pulled the plug on orders sooner than later this time my zest was waning.

It’s hard to explain how this type of work can exhaust you just as much mentally and physically. I sometimes think it’s just me but watching my other two work companions this last month I knew it wasn’t my imagination.

High volume arts and crafts

Another year in the books. Well as I always add the “except for new years” but my muscle memory will retain this motion for another week before I start to acclimate to a slower pace.

I woke up this morning with zero apprehension. Usually as soon as I wake up it’s “how much time do I have to myself before I have to head into work?”

I’m resting, somewhat exhausted but it’s a good day. We pushed I don’t know how many boxes this year it quite a few. I used to add them up but I don’t want to look at my Google calendar for the rest of the year.

They’re done and so am I.

Every order was ready on time

Every box was procured as it was meant to be.

Most importantly all customers were happy.

4.9 rating y’all. It matters unfortunately.

It’s Christmas morning. I love Christmas and always have. It went up 500000000% when my daughter was born. Every year I picture her running downstairs in her Christmas onesie that she seemed to outgrow overnight. Her smiles and giggles, her ferocity tearing wrapping paper with her tiny hands. I’d get to enjoy watching her play with everything Santa placed under the tree. I do miss the Santa days not so much that fucking elf.

My little party of three. I got up this morning and acknowledged a quiet moment of gratitude while standing in my yard gazing at the stars. I’m back in my little happy world after the holiday tetherment.

*big teary smile

I got retirement on my mind soon. No way how it’s going to happen but I’ve pulled harder shit out of my ass. Of course I’ll never retire retire I like toiling but I’m retiring from the game.

Just you wait and see

I’m at peace. I have a feeling I wrote this same exact thing last year around this time I may go back and look. I’ve mentioned several times I come out a different Chad every year after this I only began to acknowledge it two or three years ago.

My cat is sleeping peacefully next to my hip. It’s her annual Christmas gift to me. Her purring heals my aches.

Life is beautiful. And it only becomes more so when you sit still and reset.

This month was one for the books. The book is almost finished. That’s not meant to sound ominous in fact quite the opposite. I’ve got a full cup of coffee in a mug that reads “damn it feels good to be a Gangwer” as I stare into our Christmas tree lights.

Merry and happy holiday Christmas y’all.

I’m nearing the end of my annual holiday work cocoon. The 6 weeks of high food geometry. Meat and cheese arts and crafts. I allocated 45 minutes to write to keep my eyes from scrolling media. I’ve got a new Avett Bro album playing in my headphone background and it’s a decent one. I used to fanboy over the Avetts but I’ve been so far removed from that person that their music sounds completely different to me now. I’m pleased with this album.

It pings. It’s been about a decade since the last one did.

I’ve 30 boxes on a closed Monday today along with a small grazing table for a local jeweler. I took yesterday off to give me a chance to breathe before the last three days and then it’s Christmas. I’ll have New Year’s Eve to contend with I always cut it shorter than the rest of the holiday orders. I’m pretty much done after the holidays for a bit. I get real close to burn out this time of year I’ve done a much better job at pacing and planning this year.

But

It’s still an ass rearranger. Not sure if that’s a word or not. It is today.

This month was/is a doozy. I don’t keep my work numbers close to me anymore. As a part time business consultant I’d fire me for that.

I brace myself for the next Chad that comes out the other side after this. I’ve picked up on some of the daily fodder that rebuilds my mental state after the holidays. I’m much more aware of the convos I have with myself when Im face down in cardboard boxes for 70 hours a week.

My routines get thrown out of the window

My patterns get disrupted

My loops get severed

It’s a cleanse of daily habits

A trimming of droning rituals

It’s a little bit of trying to control fight or flight while operating a business.

It’s growth

It’s maintaining control when chaos tries to kick in your door.

I haven’t mastered it

But

I’ve gotten better

Nature is calling boy is she screaming my name.

I’ve mentioned several times how this 6 weeks of work cleanses me. I’ve accepted my responsibility and fate during this time of year. I listen to my thoughts when I’m knee deep into my work. My mind wanders when I work it’s seeking dopamine to keep me entertained. Thousands of adventures and ideas. It’s like a dam that bursts after the new year.

Deli will be adding a lot of new ideas after the new year. I no longer seek identity with the deli. I use it as a canvas for new ideas. If I had a full scale kitchen I’d have changed my concept 5 times by now. I used to share all my ideas but now I like to say “fuck it” and “surprise!”

Has nothing to do with the deli’s success I just like moving shit around. It’s who I am and I’ve learned to embrace it.

I like using the new year as a reset. I used it to start my breakup with the bottle and it’s worked out well. I’ve compiled a rather lengthy list of new ideas and challenges of changes for the next one coming up. I plan to stick with these with the same resolve I did with vodka. I’m hardheaded if anything,

I can already feel the changes coming in my soul. Navigation is easier than it used to be.

Recognizing is easy. Accepting is the hard part.

Listen to your soul. It talks to you everyday. Early morning especially before the distractions kick in.

Awake my soul by Mumford and Sons is currently playing in my ears. As I’ve said a 100 times there’s no such thing as coincidence. Music speaks to you when you aren’t distracted.

Once you get into that flow your life changes forever.

“You have to slow things down”

5 years ago when I parted ways with my old company I wrote that down in an empty notebook until it filled up the entire page. I had no idea at the time why I wrote it. I was sitting on my back bedroom floor of our old home crying scribbling away. Closed the notebook and never looked at it again.

Mentally I never closed that book.

I was just planting a seed in my head that would take years to bloom. Your soul leaves breadcrumbs for you all the time to help you remember. You just have to remove the distractions.

My goal for 2026 is to do just that. The cocoon phase is already ending.

I’m at peace this year. Kept my head up the whole time. Perception is the key. I remember two years ago around this time writing “I got one more year of this left in me”

I think I managed to fix that guy for now. Until it’s time to move on.

Time to go to work. Another season is coming to an end.