Bearded Gang

I moved my journaling to a remote area this morning I’m currently on a bench swing overlooking the mighty Reedy at Falls park- the most photographed area in Greenville. I spent my morning walk getting a little more intimate with my fujifilm I bought for myself earlier in the year. I’ve brought it out to play only two or three times since I’ve bought it. I’m taking deliberate steps to learn the basics of this camera slowly. I’m an impatient person when it comes to learning new things which can cause me to get frustrated and put my new toys down. Phone cameras are easy you only have to hold your phone and take the pic. Easy access to filtering and cleaning up the photos. By my standards I’ve managed to take some pretty solid photos with my phone. I love the art of photography, even better when it comes with a little story. I’m honing my eye to see things from a different perspective and lens. You don’t really have to think when you take a phone photo. Cameras are a little more deliberate even digital ones. I like to pause and ponder why I’m about to take this photo.

Why does it stand out to me?

Vibrance?

Color?

Artistry?

I love homes filled with photos. I don’t care if they are crafted inside professional frames or bent old photos stuck to your fridge by a magnet.

Every photo tells a story. I share mine through journaling all I want to do is add some visuals to enhance my stories. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do and in January I said screw it and bought my Fuji film 30 max volume XT5 Tokyo Drift. That was a joke I can’t recall what model I bought I do know it has a series of Roman numerals and a GT or XT. Did I mention I’m new at this?

My morning was spent taking photos of neon signs around downtown. I’m a branding guy I love electric signs the older the better. Put me on a street with atomic midcentury era signs and I’ll stay for the day. My photography skills are dime store energy right now. Hence my inserted patience. I won’t get flustered it’ll progress with time and practice. My favorite thing to do when I get impatient with any new craft is to peruse pics my charcuterie boxes the first two months I was open. I cringed when I made them, I grimaced when sent them out. After about 100 of them my muscle memory sort of clicked and my hand and eye coordination started collaborating and working together. I stopped seeing it as food and it became geometry.

Shapes in a box

Edible jigsaws

Refrigerated legos

After that it was no longer how to put fancy food on a plate it became tiling a board with different shapes and pieces. Pick your focal points and freestyle the rest. I did that just yesterday with a 10 foot board. My “apprentice” Brody who does my boxes when I’m out of town helped me with my table yesterday. Normally I handle all customs and have him handle the big boxes. If you got a big daddy on a holiday real good chance he made it. I reckon he made about a 100 in December last year. The kid’s got good cadence and better knife skills than me. He’s patient too you can’t rush this type of work. We was one of my sous’ at Southern and LTO. He also works at Society. When I’m on vacation he’s Chad until I come back.

He’s never done a grazing table before. I’m slowly acclimating him so I don’t have to turn down a big catering if I’m out of town. He did all the side components for the table yesterday. He’s learning some good skills. I don’t intend on doing charcuterie into my 60’s. I’ll pass this along to someone when I’m done if they want it. It’s good money if you have the stamina. So far Brody has the most capability of making it his should that ever happen. His real name is Brady btw I’ve been calling him Brody for so long it feels weird calling him by his real name. His older sister used to nanny for our daughter when we’d go to the beach. She also helps with the deli part time. When you come across good people it’s healthy to keep them around just to make life better. I’d say both of them have done that and more.

Back to the camera.

I spent my early morning finger flicking tiny camera dials in different lighting while wrapping my head around apertures and the letter F. I’d switch back and forth to standard and auto I don’t want to get lazy or comfortable at one level. I self taught myself how to cook I think I can do the same with this.

I walked around DT with my mini Patagonia sling bag, headphones and camera bouncing around in my hand. I look ridiculous but my mind is pinging like “this fits like a glove”

My trail marker stamp of approval

This is the way

A nomadic vibe attached to self expression

It truly does fit me

Random thought -old school hip hop is a great soundtrack for morning walks. I’ve got 3rd Bass beat boxing with the sun rising on my backside.

“Herbalz in yo mouth” 🎶

The weebles wobble but I dabble in verbals

Some of you kids will never experience the egg shaped 70’s action figures.

Weebles, the armless and legless authority on tenacity. They may wobble at times but they’ll never fall. They do break if you throw them hard enough. I was a bit of a tyrant when I was little.

I’ll have to find another bench should I make a habit of this. Eastern sunrise is burning a hole in my right cornea. Time to move on.

Today will be spent close to home. No adventures today it’s a rest day and I intend on milking it for all its glory.

Peace ☮️

My daughter likes a boy.

There I said it.

She’s 16 the hormones are harmonizing. Everyday I see her she’s an inch taller and her voice hits a different octave. This is a part of her life that I will sit on the sidelines and cheer for her. Yeah I know I’ve been throwing threats online since the day an ultrasound revealed I was going to be a girl dad.

All the threats.

I have no intention of ever harming someone’s child. I never have. There’s no scare tactics, no chest thumping or any of that shit. He’s a kid. He likes my daughter. That right there tells me he’s a smart kid.

As a father I am my daughter’s protector. I assumed that role the day she was born. I do it dutifully. I do it with love not violence. I don’t want her associating her father with violence regardless of the situation. She’s never seen me lay a hand on anyone and I’d like to think we could go the rest of our lives without it.

I like watching her face light up when she talks about her friend.

It’s puppy love for now y’all. I remember the first time I held a girl’s hand and my first kiss. All in the same night. I was also 16 and absolutely terrified of the opposite sex. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. No I don’t look back on it with any romantic capacity we were kids. It was my junior prom I treated my date like a porcelain doll. I didn’t want to drop and break her, I also did my best not to shake when I held her hand. I remember the warmth, my stomach knotting. I danced like no one was watching, made sure she never had to get her own punch and walked her to back to her door of her cousin’s house where she was staying that night. I brought her home 5 minutes early so her father wouldn’t kill me.

He told me he was going to if I did..

He was joking of course. He was a large man to me but I liked him. I’m actually friends with her on Facebook. She married her high school sweetheart and has been together ever since.

Good folk all around. Her father passed about a decade ago and I reached out to her on messenger and told her the story of his brief convo with me when I picked her up.

Like I said, good folk.

I’m actually friends with most of my exes on here.

I want my daughter’s first introduction into this type of thing to be a positive one. I don’t want her looking over her shoulder wondering when dad will insert his machoism into her life. I’m just the door guy. I check the ID, make sure you’re not carrying anything dangerous and dressed accordingly.

As long as you keep your hands off the staff you’re fine. I could’ve used a better word there.

He’s polite

He takes his shoes off when he comes over

Most importantly he’s respectful towards my daughter. Another plus he likes Johnny Cash. You get extra credit for that one kid.

I want my kid to live a normal life. Love is a part of it. Heartbreak is another important part of it. The first one is always the hardest as is the last. I’ll be there if and when she needs her dad. I’m her protector I’m her big brother too.

Her mother is her confidant, her best friend. We all have two best friends. The one who’s always down for adventure, break shit with, jump off cliffs and high five. The other one is the tell everything friend, the one that lets you cry on their shoulder, checks in on you on a bad day, keeps you straight when you want to go crooked. It’s easy to see which is which with our parenting. It’s the mom you really have to worry about. I’ve almost had to step in between her and some mean teens.

Mama bears are more fierce. Like I said I’m just the door guy. She seems to like the kid too.

I just want my daughter to be happy and live a normal life. I still move all the pointy things out of her path when she walks. This is the only project my ADHD will never allow me to put down or lose interest.

They played video games in our spare room and laughed.

I remember bringing over my first adult girlfriend to my mom’s house when I was 19. We sat on my bed and watched a movie before I took her back home. My mother said she liked her because all she heard was us laughing the whole time we were together.

I get it now.

I know my little girl’s heart will get broken on day. You ride a bike enough eventually you’re gonna fall off. I’ve fallen off a lot of bikes. It never got easier. I’m done with those heartbreaks ma’am y’all can keep em.

I’ve been on both sides they both suck.

But I will be there for her if and when it happens. To show her how to discard the scars over time. Hopefully

I’m excited for my child’s future adventures. I’m slowly pushing the hovering helicopter away.

That’s a tough one for me. There are no handbooks to follow here. A smile for my kid is a smile for me.

That’s all.

Peace.

I’m comfortable in saying this without trying to author some sort of narrative. I could stand next to my 50 year old self and strongly acknowledge that we are almost two completely separate people now.

I’ve evolved.

I’m still evolving in fact I think I’m just beginning to really find my rhythm in this skin.

The same topics don’t interest me

I don’t engage with the same people anymore. I rarely interact with most of my friends. We don’t hang out anymore.

I don’t like some of my old go to music like I used to. Tv shows and movies seem lifeless. If I do watch something it’s usually for nostalgia purposes or background noise. Media altogether.

I don’t wear the same clothes, in fact I think I’m about to go through another style change soon. My current wardrobe has suddenly become obsolete. Can’t explain why. I’m starting to dislike my clothes. Not my style or colors just the meaning of them. Does that make sense? No? Same for me.

I don’t eat the same as I used to. Foods are losing their luster.

Obviously my lifestyle changes make new opportunities and different paths.

I used to fear death. Now I really don’t believe in it. We are bundles of energy. Bodies in a never ending cosmos.

I’ve become obsessed with me. Analysis, remembering, understanding.

I’m seeking my ticks. Sought my toks

This isn’t an ego thing it’s quite the opposite. The more I release my ego the more I remember.

My favorite time of day is the first two hours of my morning. Distractions haven’t arrived yet. I’m alone with myself. I’m writing and thinking about me.

Cutting out the drunk in me started this I have no doubt. Actually getting removed from the service industry was step one. That was my stake.

Service industry was the stake. The alcohol was the chain, the leash tied to the stake.

Or is it like the chicken and the egg? Was it the stake or the chain?

I needed to be severed from the stake first. The alcohol was the chain. The alcohol created the worn out circle around the stake. My limited perimeter of experience. I stayed within that perimeter for decades.

Tethered mentally and physically

Three decades to be exact. Chain around my neck. Walking in circles. Seeing the same things in my peripheral, thinking the same thoughts. An NPC for most of my life. Always with an asterisk.

*this isn’t me

*I don’t fit here

*how do I escape?

A concentration camp of limited thought

When I left the industry the chain broke but I wouldn’t leave the circle I had worn out in the dirt. Not until I put the bottle down. When I put the bottle down for good I stepped out of that circle.

Now

Everyday I feel something different.

Everyday I think differently

I see things differently

My mind highlights new things

My algorithms have changed

I don’t say the same things anymore.

I’m changing

I’ve changed. I wrote about this same thing about a year ago.

It still holds true. You think you’ve reached a stopping point but you find another direction of spectrums.

You analyze your loops

You breakdown your emotional state for fun

You daydream more. Not fantasy but balance.

I used to do things so people would recognize me, remember me. Now I’d rather disappear into my own little space.

I enjoy peace over substance

If there’s any downside to some of this it’s I don’t handle loud noises well anymore. I can’t sit in crowded rooms or bars. Heavily populated venues make me uncomfortable. People for the most part make me uncomfortable. I feel their energy and presence more now. It overwhelms me. People aren’t as happy as they used to be. Certain gatherings are fine but overall I feel the uneasiness. I sound flaky but it’s true. I’ve become hyper aware of my nervous system.

You gotta keep it regulated 🎶

Offspring lyric reconfigured I do this a lot. That part of me will never change.

I used to do things to impress others but now I do it to impress me. It’s not what you think I’m not trying to bench 300lbs for my ego or look fancy in a mirror but I am trying to change my look in my inner mirror.

You know when you’re doing something right or wrong. You know it before you do it. I’m changing my actions to automatically make better decisions. It’s harder than you think. I fall on my face a lot. I trip over my own words.

But

I acknowledge it now. I don’t embrace my mistakes or the feelings that follow. I acknowledge, respect my choices and learn. Own them and move on.

Stop harping 🪉

Oh don’t worry I’ve still have a lot of broken pieces to clean up.

But at least I broke free from that chain.

Man I’m telling you the pursuit of finding yourself is what life is about. I’m within grasp. I know where I fall short on most things now. Some I can and will fix. Others are apart of me that I must embrace and that’s where the balance comes together.

Peace

And

Acceptance

=

Balance

Think I’ll go for a walk in the rain.

Later gators.

A hard rain is gonna fall in the upstate today according to the meteorologist machine. I’m sitting cocked in an electric recliner enjoying a cup of coffee made with water I’m not accustomed to. I don’t mind beach water coffee to me coffee has better flavor with a hint of salt.

I’m temporarily dissociating with life in a two bedroom condo in Isle of Palms. I haven’t been out of town in a while.

Went for a Long Beach walk (autocorrect is capitalizing assumptions here) yesterday while my feet crushed the sand with the occasional run in with upside down seashells that I refer to as beach legos. It may rain here soon I’m trying to decide if I want to brave the rain for a walk. It’s 62° I’m not concerned about hypothermia but I’m also trying to avoid discomfort at any levels.

The island is quiet. My morning is quiet. My stomach is the only thing making noise this morning I eat like there’s no tomorrow when I come to the beach and my stomach isn’t enjoying my decisions.

Normal day eating routine- no food until at least 10am. Fruit, nuts, yogurt and or granola.

Lunch I may eat half a sandwich or I’ll graze on some cold cuts with a cracker or two, my stomach is leaning towards the gluten free thing. Or it’s all the glyphosate.

Probably the glyphosate

And then for dinner I tend to eat whatever is thrown at me. Take out rotation or the three meals we cook at home.

Day one here?

Two double espresso coffees

Apple fritter

Chicken and egg biscuit

Assortment of chips throughout the day

Pizza slice with wings

M&Ms (any bag size is one serving size with me)

Dinner – chili cheeseburger with fries and some queso dip.

Pretty sure I had a cookie after dinner.

If I were to walk into the water there would be a whale sighting confirmed shortly.

I do this every time I’m at the beach. Pairs well with taking my shirt off. I don’t do it when I go on cross country trips. You don’t take bathroom breaks for granted when you’re in the middle of nowhere.

Also I’ve never been a walk around with your shirt off type. I’ve always found it odd when I see guys getting out of their car to pump gas with no shirt on. Or when I watch videos online and see dudes casually sitting on the sofa with a beer can in their hand while shirtless.

Especially in the summer months in the south.

On leather upholstery

All I can see is your hairy back oil soaking into the fabric. You ever wonder why old bed pillows turn yellow?

You’re welcome.

If you’re one of those people you be you. I’m only saying that I’m indeed not one of those people.

Also some of you should always have your shirt on in public..

Sorry

tangent

Alligator country is wild. Everyone just walks around while eating dipping dots with mammal eating reptiles hiding in the bushes and water sizing you up to see if you’re worth the meal effort. I’m not one to be walk around in fear of the local wildlife but I do enjoy having all my toes attached. Still I’d rather see a large gator over a grizzly any day.

Anyone else have to pack sound when they travel? Residing in the south your entire life you pick up some sleeping habits over time. Not every home had hvac in the 70s. You had shaking window units and or box fans in the windows. I’ve always went to bed with a soothing hum in the background. Sleep is a challenge without it now. We travel with a tiny speaker that specifically plays brown or fan noise while we sleep. Can’t bring the home oscillating fan it’s a tad obnoxious to pack. Small fans pack small sounds. I use a phone app when I camp for fan sounds. I keep it at a low level I still need to hear what’s around me but those whippoorwills are obnoxious at night. Wildlife doesn’t adhere to noise ordinance. There’s no nature hoa.

Sleep in complete silence? Do I look like a psychopath?

During a cloudy pause down here I drove to the local REI in Mt Pleasant to kill sometime. REI is a store I visit a lot. I’m in the Greenville one once a week and I’ll drive to the one in Asheville once a month. “

REI is too expensive”

Not really they all cost about the same it’s not REI that’s expensive just some of the brands they represent. I’ll never buy arcteryx brand shit it’s ridiculous. I go for their returns. Most of my gear has been bought slightly used.

Everyone in the Greenville store recognizes me. They’re always friendly but I’m the type that likes to duck in and duck out when I go shopping. I don’t need assistance in fact I’d rather not have assistance. I know it’s polite protocol to acknowledge a regular. I do it at the deli it’s the correct form of hospitality. For me? Just smile and say hey and I’m good. Don’t follow me around the store I hate it.

I’ll leave.

I ran into the store manager from Greenville he’s now the manager of the one in Pleasant. Great guy super nice. We chatted for a few minutes and we went about our day. He must’ve made a few employees aware that a “regular” was present because after that I had about a half dozen employees aware of my wandering. Lots of engagement.

Great hospitality. I’m grateful. I really am. I just hate it.

I spent an hour there. It was raining. I grew up reading Sears catalogs. I like to slowly peruse the aisles. I like to touch merchandise, hold it in my hands. I don’t buy clothes without trying them on. I’m a physical shopper.

Leave me to my tidings. Buying that giant camper for my truck without ever seeing one up close was a big deal for me. I still have one more week or so.

I need sand on my feet. The salty air is calling.

Peace.

Waking up would be a better introduction. I stayed up until 11 last night to watch a concert which is around 2 hours later than normal for me. I was close to emulating a Snicker’s commercial I was about 5 minutes away from going full diva.

I like my sleep y’all. I will be extra extra to work with today. Speaking of extra I received a phone call for a last minute grazing table in Fountain Inn for this afternoon. Wasn’t on my schedule until yesterday afternoon. Today will be fun.. I’m grateful for the opportunity a friend that also does charcuterie is thoughtful enough to send business my way when she’s not available. Very classy.

I head to Charleston right after we drop the table off.

I may have signed my deli lease on this day. I’m not sure if that means my lease just hit year 2 out of 3 I haven’t looked at it since the day I signed it. I didn’t announce my new business until early April.

Just looked at it. Yep I’ve got one year left.

Tic tok you don’t stop stop.

I always have in my mind that it’s closer to July only because that’s when I opened and started paying the lease.

It’s fine

I’m fine

I use my Facebook memories to check in my old self. Where my mind was at the time.

Was I drinking when I posted that? Most likely I always liked to speak online after about 4 vodkas. It also makes it real easy when I see others that like to do the same.

Better you than me bud.

Most of my posts I’m publicly expressing my frustrations with my daily life. I do my best to keep that energy down a tad nowadays I don’t like authoring my complaints all the time. It’s unhealthy. Getting things off your mind is healthy it’s just not intended to be megaphoned online. That’s the reason I took down my recent post about current events. I’m making noise and throwing it into the media cauldron. I’m not making a difference I’ll get people who agree to agree and piss off the ones who don’t.

I may have verbally attacked a few of our politicians online that evening. I don’t get how some of you read their posts and think “man, we ARE the greatest country in the world”. I no longer see politicians I see actors. Terrible ones. But boy some of you online will defend them like it’s your family. I’ve got a dozen screenshots to prove it. About the only thing I’m more comfortable doing than charcuterie is trolling people online. I deleted a lot of shit that night. I don’t need another person trolling my business because I called them an asshat online. The ones that use the term snowflake are usually the ones that trigger the easiest.

I’m watching my emotions closely this time of year. 6 years ago I’d have my last real high volume brunch at Southern. In three more days I’d be hugging my employees while we closed the restaurants down for Covid.

I made peace with that episode of my life mentally. It’s all good. What I’ve never made peace with are the powers that be at that time.

I sure hope a reckoning comes to them in the healthiest of ways. If you still think that Covid was random then we will have to agree to disagree. After the past couple of months your eyebrow should at least be raised.

Covid existed. I don’t deny it. It killed my mother. So whenever I hear echos of others that may have encouraged such a debacle to happen. Well it’s not healthy.

I lost the last tiny bit of trust I had for our government. There wasn’t much to begin with.

Anyway

I like tying things together when my paths tend to cross over annual happenstances.

6 years ago on this day I got into a big fight with my old partner. A big fat one. Things were tense to begin with for a bit. The upcoming germ just added to the fire. It would be the first time in my head that I thought “this isn’t working out anymore”.

Mentally I stepped away on this day. The upcoming months would solidify it.

Had Covid not come I’m not sure if it would’ve made a difference it might’ve only prolonged the inevitable. I’m not harping on this anymore I’m mapping comparisons it’s something I like to analyze.

The first month of COVID I was filled with anxiety and uncertainty. Same as the first month of signing my lease at Graze.

The same time I was building my deli I was building back Southern. I was fading away trying to rebrand three restaurants. The deli, I was pushing myself overboard building it out solo. There were many days I sat on that floor in tears asking why I was putting myself through this again. I was not in a good mental state. Failure was still fresh in my head. I was getting a lot of flashbacks in those two months. In retrospect I should’ve had help with building it out but for some reason my trail markers (that I didn’t recognize at the time) insisted that I took care of this on my own.

“Struggle will turn into strength” I recall thinking without really thinking.

I have no doubt in my mind that struggle helped with my alignment with my consciousness and ending my reckoning with myself. It was eye opening. That said I’d rather not go through that again.

I reopened Southern around the same time I opened the deli. To add a little more spice I got covid for the first time over the week it (deli) opened.

I’ll add one more and then move on because you get the point. When Helene hit I had the deli closed for the week due to a power outage. No work for an entire week. In 2020 I was on vacation in Maine. I would never return to work for my company. The same day I parted with SC is the same day I reopened my deli after Helene.

Social media archives are great when utilized for memory recall.

Is this some mystical thing Chad? Nah I don’t think so but it’s fun to watch when history repeats itself. Maybe there is some sort of cosmic connection with the stars I’m not familiar enough to know.

They always say history repeats itself. As I look at my upcoming vacation being the same time as last year. Same state too. I could go back to 2021 of that same exact time. Wasn’t the best summer of my life for sure. 2021 will go down as one of my least favorite summers. It was a struggle trying to find my way with my career, family and mental health.

But

It was the summer my mind told me to stop drinking.

“Struggle will be you strength”

Same person told me that, he was only whispering at the time.

Glad I finally started listening.

I had a good time with my fam last night. I’m meeting them in Chuck town after work. Charleston is where my little family began.

Now that’s some history worth repeating.

I’ve got about 12 feet of food to design. Time to go

Peace ☮️

I moved my morning journaling outside to the front porch. It’s 66° and I can almost smell the rain but not quite. I have a slight breeze hitting my left cheek. I’ve got my Peanuts coffee cup in hand Charlie Brown was my go to comic growing up I’m surprised the big haired Christian ladies in Texas haven’t tried to ban it because of Peppermint Patty’s possible prepubescent lesbian representation.

Unintended alliteration.

It feels really good out here I feel like I haven’t sat still outdoors in months. Wife and I spent the evening soaking up the spring air out here last night. Porch is cozy. A little too close to the road but life could be worse I could be staring directly at some faded confederate flags.

We bought our daughter tickets to see Alabama this Friday at the big local venue I can’t recall its name it always seems to have another sponsor attached but that may just be me. Daughter has a little bit of old soul in her when it comes to music I’m sure her father being old as shit and a lover of music and mother being an Alabama redneck makes for quite the combo. I bought her an Alabama greatest hits vinyl to get her revved up. She played it most of the morning last week.

She surprised me yesterday with a quick visit to the deli on the way to get her hair done for the concert tomorrow. I made sure to tell her how beautiful she looked after her hair appointment

Parenthood is the best blessing in the world. I told my associate at work how indescribable it is to watch something you helped make grow into a flower of a woman.

*wipes tear

Heading to the coast for a couple of days after work Saturday. Beach always brings my family together and man I’m just coasting until Saturday. I’ve been quite the hermit the last 4 months and I can feel my cocoon splitting open. Hence why I’m outside right now.

I’ve got 432 hertz roaming in my ears. My minute heart rate is probably 50 beats max. I’m on easy peezy street. Simplicity. This is what life is for.

Man that breeze feels amazing.

My hood walks their dogs around 8pm so I got to meet a small handful of folk last night. Talked to Jess about having a little gathering at our home for a meet and greet. Yeah I actually said that.

I shook off my hertz for some ELO. I’ve been on an ELO kick lately. I put some essentials on while I walk to downtown on Sundays. Music is like memory tape. Even though ELO has been in my life since I was a nose picking 6 year old it didn’t really click until recently and now when I listen to them it takes me on my recent walks downtown instead of Belle Meade in the 70s. I keep telling myself to write more about that era. I’ve been on a long piece about my parent’s apartment post Belle Meade.

Mr. Blue Sky is amazing

I reckon my coffee gets a tad chilly out here.

Front porch yelp-

Cozy atmosphere ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Music ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Seating ⭐️⭐️⭐️ (this wicker chair is odd)

Coffee ⭐️⭐️⭐️ (doesn’t stay hot)

Management ⭐️⭐️⭐️ (dumpy appearance)

I had someone leave a great review with only 4 stars instead of 5 and I immediately thought she probably hasn’t had an orgasm in 6 years.

Sorry old Chad popped his head out to say hi.

Speaking of old Chad I ramped up my workout routine I sort of miss the savage part of me that started to slip away like a leaky testosterone faucet.

Bottom line – With my mouth I need bigger muscles. Also my daughter is at the dating age 🔪

Took my ass to the gym yesterday and did some Belgian waffle squats (I know what they’re really called sit down) lunges, TRX rope jumps and then some 60 yard sprints. I might’ve pushed a sled I can’t recall. After work I took my mountain bike out for a spin first time this year.

Am I authoring my amazing workout routine?

No

My legs feel like a bag of smashed assholes.

I gave myself three weeks to acclimate back to the gym life. Should’ve stretched it out one more week.

My neighbor just pulled in. Looks like he’s already done the gym thing this morning. Rock on brother I can’t get out of this low profile wicker chair. I may plead for help.

“It’s a livin thing. What a terrible thing to lose” 🎶 (mobility reference)

I don’t think I have any boxes scheduled today and I’m unbothered. Honestly I could walk up to a burning brick and mortar at 219 w Antrim Drive suite A and I’d just drive back home. I’m slowly evolving into the Big Lebowski sans White Russians. I also don’t drive around smoking jays but sounds amazing. I haven’t held a cocktail glass in 1166 days.

*healthy sigh

Man my legs hurt but I feel good today.

“Hello how are you? Have you been alright through those lonely, lonely, lonely nights?” 🎶

I fucking love this band.

Peace. ☮️

I get a lot of messages about mushrooms on here (Facebook) I suppose it’s because I openly talk about them and their benefits. This does not in any way make me a consultant on mushrooms. Not even close. Don’t ask me about mushroom variants or how they affect your mind, how much you should take etc. I can’t even recommend a specialist. Not a real one that is. I do psilocybin around three times a year. I consume when my intuition says “go for it”

There’s no oversoul messenger or any shaman like message it’s more of a “this feels like a good time to submerge” and I’ll make my way into the evening. I prefer to be alone and away from everyone so I’m not distracted although I’ve had some good times with an observer hanging around to listen to me ramble about what I see.

“Hey I see honeycombs on the floor”

“Why does it look like there’s red glowing razor wire just out of reach?”

Grateful Dead art really begins to make sense.

I did mushrooms sober for the first time in 2022. Psilocybin had always been a condiment drug for me I always had some other variant in my system so I never got to fully embody the experience of mushrooms until 2022.

I can’t tell you how much I consumed that night it was a light batch probably 2g. We were hanging close to the foothills trail camping by the lake. It was late fall so it got dark before 6pm. I raw dogged the mushrooms chewed them up dry and chased it with my water bottle. I had just finished dinner I don’t recommend mushrooms on an empty stomach you will most likely experience nausea.

I saw the fun little yellow and red wires most see, trees seem to interconnect like hexagon chain link fences and the forest sort of breaths in and out with odd shapes. Think of a giant horizon of a magic eye picture. When you focus you’ll see other things that weren’t there before. It’s not overwhelming you’ve got seratonin going all through your mind from your stomach to your brain. A healthy dose of it. People always say they’d freak out if they took mushrooms and here’s the thing, the shrooms provide your brain with some cool vibes (chemicals) so if and when you see things your mind isn’t telling you

“OMG WTF is that??”

It’s

“Oh hell yeah that’s cool”

Sorta

Your instincts and intuition is unblocked. A door opens in your mind. Your life long experiences shape how you think and see things. Mushrooms will erase that in about 45 minutes. You’ll go on a cool ride for about two hours of techno colors and slowly come down.

Usually

Type of mushroom and dosage will vary that part. I find these out the easy way and hard way.

When I was on the foothills trail I began to see some fun beings hanging out.

Jellyfish type heads floating behind the trees observing almost like they think I couldn’t see them hiding behind the trunks.

The trees above my head pointing into a fisheye lens curve so it looked like I was in some sort of aviary or bird cage. Above the tree line I could see giant beings standing over me observing. Three of them. One with a face of a bird, one with a reptile ish face and maybe a feline? I’m going to have to come back to that other face I can’t remember. It may have been a random face they all resembled ancient Egyptian statues but with facial expressions. All looking down at me, calm and studying. That’s why I say psilocybin helps you accept what you see. If I were to go outside and start my truck up and see these three giant beings standing over me right now I’d probably shit myself and scream.

On mushrooms? Brain -“hey that’s cool”

Claircognizance – clear knowing

An easy way to put this is the fact check part of the brain takes a break. No not the same type some of you experience when you share something on Facebook. This is more organic.

The part of your brain that reality and experience has molded over time takes a break.

You get a sense of big brother isn’t watching you right now. You’re free.

Claircozignance – when you look up and see three giant animal heads staring down at you and think “hey cool”

All we ever knew – Head and the Heart is in my ears right now.

Clairsentience – intuitive emotional sensing. “I got peaceful easy feeling” 🎶

So no you won’t freak out. Or you shouldn’t as I’ve said before I’m not a mushroom consultant.

When I did 5g on an empty stomach (yeah I know what I said earlier) it was a full moon in the Utah desert. It took about 40 minutes from my consumption time to look up and say

“the moon is fake”

“Looks like someone cut a hole out of a black sheet and shoved a flashlight through it”

“This ground is fake”

*looks up in the sky “yep i can see the ceiling”

The ground was filled with yellow fluorescent dream catchers stretched out all along the horizon.

I could see inflammation glowing in my buddy’s knees.

The landscape was lake Powell in Utah. I could see Navajo Indian headdresses out of the corner of my eye. My mind kept telling me this was all fake and I didn’t belong here. I was on someone else’s property.

Sometimes my buddy would be beside me and other times he’d turn gray and become still, like he was on display somewhere else. We had music playing from my Bluetooth speaker and each time he’d turn gray the music would sound muffled like it was coming from behind a wall. I thought this was normal at that moment.

I made friends with two ravens

I stared into the sky and found a rip in the fabric where the stars began to dance. As I watched it my brain said “don’t stare too long or there’s no coming back”

So I stopped. No questions I just stopped.

When I went to bed that night I had a convo with a jumble of red and yellow gyrating mechanical cogs. It asked me what the secret to the universe was and I immediately responded with

“Love”

The cogs stopped moving and shifted into one solid red and yellow shield. It was like I unlocked a puzzle. I think about this meeting quite a bit. Probably one of the most profound moments on mushrooms for me.

I went to bed as an imp limped around my tent moving props around for my morning reality background.

One night in Linville I did about three grams. Spent the evening watching a cloud above my tent dancing to a Puscifer song – Grand Canyon as it played in my earphones. Cloud had dozens of eyes that would blink in unison and move around in circles above my tent. I have absolutely no clue as to how that song came to being on my phone.

Another night in Linville I had come to terms that I was sleeping on top of a dragon. A blue one. I could sense its breathing under me. It knew I was there but didn’t seem to care. I also saw posters of bloody clowns. Twice I’ve experienced that vision.

My 5g on Hunting Island broke my mind free from the noise. If I were to point at a timeline in my life I would poke my finger right here and say “my life completely changed forever right here. February 3rd, 2025.

My last trip I did was in a campground in Glenville by the lake. I took a healthy dosage with some lemon juice. I wanted to recreate my experience in hunting island and well mushrooms do what they want and not the other way around.

It was on a full blood moon. Not sure if that had any bearing on my experience but it will be the last time I pair psilocybin with blood moon.

Spent the evening talking to a red dragon in my fire pit. Very lethargic being, calm, indifferent. Told me dragons were ethereal and could be controlled by magic.

I was like cool story bro. Like we talked all the time. Do I believe in dragons? I’m leaning towards the yes on that one.

Later that evening I went to lie down in my tent to let the mushrooms fade out. If there’s a downside to psilocybin it’s your mind won’t rest. A gate is open in your head and it’s not closing until it’s ready to. It’s like drinking coffee at bedtime. You aren’t jittery but your mind is still exploring the cosmos.

Don’t fight it. You can’t.

My evening was spent yawning (seratonin problems) and overly analyzing my looping behaviors. Time does its own thing when you’re in that zone. You may find out that time doesn’t really exist. It moves at your own perception but when that perception collapses well it gets a little scary. To me purgatory seems scarier than hell. Hell has a purpose. Purgatory doesn’t. I sat in my tent trying to find my way back into normalcy for about two hours. It might as well been 2 days. I would create patterns to feed my ego. Sitting up to drink water, zipping and unzipping my tent window. I didn’t want to see the moon anymore but it wouldn’t allow me. My tent would get hot and I’d have to unzip it again. It was 55° that night. I got up to throw up three times. I just thought it would speed things up. I’d toggle through my phone pics to keep me grounded. Had I someone with me I think I would’ve been fine. I was alone with my psilocybin thoughts. I was on my own little ledge of the universe.

Looping

At one point my mind opened up and I’d drift to some random being in my mind. We’d have a chat and for a millisecond I’d have all the knowledge of its existence and its entire world. I did this with about a dozen different entities. I’d just bounce all over a dark cosmos going being to being.

Wild

Too wild

I’m not sure what I would feel like to be a god but by golly gee I’m not ready for it.

I saw the bloody clown posters again and I saw Donald Trump our fearless leader with fire coming out of his eyes. Twice I’ve seen this actually. Almost like a psyop.

That night wasn’t the best. I felt like I was in my tent for a few days. I messaged some friends at around midnight to make sure I was still here. I made it. Nothing was hurt except for the wilting of my ego.

I plan to give it another try in Utah next month. There will be no full moon involved. For some reason I no longer like the moon.

Still recommend it. I recommend it to everyone in a controlled environment.

I’m thinking the canyonlands for my next one. Should be a dandy of an adventure.

Ok gotta go make some boxes and money. Peace ☮️

I don’t miss my old employees. I miss my friends I made from work over the years but not the employees. I still talk to most of the people I made friends with through the service industry or at least engage with them on here but the others not so much. Not sure what prompted this proclamation it might’ve been while I was scrolling through my memories. I go back about as far as 2012 before I start reading the perspective of a completely different human being.

I was quite the NPC in my steakhouse days. I looped da loop for years doing my thing. I was a brainwashed corporate manager for years. I was structured for the system. A robot of handbooks and lineups. The steakhouse was my military training sans guns. I squished most of the era into a small file in my pocket and stored it away forever. I made a small handful of forever friends but we are all slowly fading away in memory. Not a stab at any of them at all life goes on is all. Activities and prerogatives change over time.

We are still only a phone call away.

Southern friends are the same. We don’t chat much anymore but I’ll see one or two faces who will come by to say hi and I’m appreciative of it.

I used to think I was a good boss but I look back on my career and cringe at a few behavioral issues I had. I’m not harping on it anymore we all fuck around with bad decisions in our lives. Observing is learning. I’m not reliving the past I’m adjusting from my past experiences.

My brief mentioning of not missing my employees came from reading my old posts. It’s a progression of what started out as frustration to a daily basis of dealing with staffing shortages. I read them and my memory clicks with it like a Lego.

I can read a status update and feel what I felt 10 years ago. It’s surreal. I wouldn’t do it again. I wouldn’t go back to the steakhouse, I wouldn’t leave to open my own spot.

I just wouldn’t.

There no perfect insight as to why. I don’t look back fondly of the work I’ve done. The people I’ve made friends with? Yes. Not the jobs.

I’m good in this field. Better than average. Doesn’t mean I chose to do it.

I’ve always been curious about the perspective of someone who has worked the same job/position their entire life. The teacher who starts teaching right out of college and then 40 years later they get their cupcake party and go home to retire. Not knocking this at all it seems rather peaceful in comparison to mine.

Work has been my life

Work had been the bane of my stress

It’s taken valuable time from my life

I went when I didn’t want to

I worked when I probably shouldn’t have

It’s broken my body and mind over the years. I’ve never worked a job that had a healthy cadence. The speed goes from first gear to fifth in seconds. The only desk job I ever had my mind screamed “this ain’t it boss” and I left after 3 months. People are always “I wouldn’t know what to do with my free time if I was retired” and I’m like let me have it then. I’ll figure it out.

No one is to Blame by Howard Jones is in my ears.

Well played

I’m pushing a button of steam here y’all. I’m not venting I’m releasing. I have to make myself say these things out-loud to put it away. I don’t fixate on my old self like I used to. It’s a different approach for me now.

I’m witnessing and regarding

Shedding

Hopefully evolving.

Evolving is perpetual if you allow it. And you should we are made of clay not stone

My memories reflect that. That’s the only reason why I go back to read them. Absorb them like a bounty towel.

My wife and I were having a discussion about my early life and childhood. I was referencing about how my life would’ve changed had I not moved to Piedmont. It’s always felt like an obligatory side quest during those years.

“Do you think your life would’ve completely changed had your parents stayed together?”

I responded with “I’d probably still be sitting here with you on the sofa.” I think part of our lives are scripted. Like we read the script and thought “yeah I choose this series for my life”

I look back at all the clogs and setbacks I’ve experienced and see them as paths with pauses.

As I look back on some memories I can always recall some sort of fateful hand pushing me from certain decisions that would’ve completely changed the trajectory of my life. A shield or protector of sorts sometimes and others it was the bully pushing me into the deep end of the pool.

No matter how hard I tried to screw some things up, no matter how bad I imagined it to be, there has always been some cosmic deflector to keep my path in the direction it was meant to go.

Sometimes I was shielded from it, sometimes I had to paddle my legs to stay afloat.

If I gained another affliction instead of alcohol I think I would’ve bested it in the appropriate time.

I would’ve made a goal in my head to attain. It would’ve been a different mountain to climb but I would have done it.

Brevity insert – no matter the cycles I’d have endured I feel like it would all would arrive right here. I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I didn’t end up here I played a 54 year game of chess against myself to get here.

The more I recognize this game the more it makes sense.

I look back on these memories like chess moves. I’m reading the words of a completely different person. A new pawn each year. Man it took a long time to achieve this perspective. You don’t have to wait for death to rise over your body and look down at yourself. I’m doing it right now.

Another quick download has been achieved. Or maybe it was a deletion of sorts..

Is today Friday? Time is moving fast right now. Anyone else notice?

Boxes are calling. Gotta go

Peace ☮️

I try new things all the time. I’m trying to shake up my body and mind.

New work outs

Eating

Routines

Reading

Running or walking routes

Body and mind practices

Right now I’m shuffling between anti parasitic health and reverse osmosis water. I’m testing the inflammation in my body with foods and ridding it of any little creepy crawlies.

We all have parasites in our bodies. Whether you want to think about it or not.

I listen to Solfeggio frequencies frequently.

I do a little tai chi with my hot tea

First thing in the morning I do a few minutes worth of shaking my body. Loosening my joints, moving by blood around. Then I’ll drink some warm lemon water and give my gratitude with my feet in the grass unless it’s white on the ground my hippie ass isn’t that hardcore yet.

All of these little procedures I’ve picked up over the last year. I let my instincts tell me if they align with me or not. I’ve tried a few woo woo things and they just feel silly. At the beginning of my little awakening I was all over the place. I went up in the air with no landing gear. My mind was trying to attach to any and every random focus of awakening material it could get its hands on. I’d say from last February to November I was still trying to smooth out. I’m sure the holiday work allowed me to set it aside for a bit.

I’m not trying to bend spoons or manifest a lotto ticket. I’m not physically trying to astral project although I strongly believe in it and fairly confident that I have. I’m not trying to signal aliens. I’m not trying to do anything profound actually I’m only looking to learn more about this topic. It pulls at me every single waking second.

The awareness is always there. I’ll be slicing open an orange and look down “look at that fucking geometry”

Some days it’s literally the Truman Show for me. The other day as I walked up to the register at Restaurant Depot I was amazed that two lines were empty. As I trotted towards the register 6 full carts pulled in front of me. No exaggeration.

Deadass you kids say.

Certain routes I drive I’ll observe no cars until I approach the stop sign and here they all come.

2 or 3 times a week two ladies will come in and sit at the same exact booth. They’ll order separately and sit at the one table for at least two hours.

Different ladies each time

I read or watched a video long ago that you could program parts of your reality. Or maybe it was you could insert things into your reality. The plan was simple, think of two random things it could be subject matter, prop, incidence etc. Think of two things and then tell yourself those two subjects or materials will show up somehow in your reality within the next 24 hours.

First thing is it has to be something somewhat tangible. You can’t say “I’m gonna see a 14 headed horse with fangs wearing a Billy Bob Thornton t shirt. You have to believe in what you’re looking for. Your mind won’t insert something that you already believe to be false. In short don’t pick two things that you’ve already made up in your head to be false or not existing.

I picked two random but possible things.

1. An easy one. I’ll see a red bandana in the next 24 hours. I had just lost mine the week before. Looked all over for it and never found it.
2. Someone will randomly strike up a conversation with me about Sturgill Simpson. I would make sure not to play any of his albums at work or start up a conversation myself. It had to be random I didn’t want to urge the process into existence.

Listen, I’m new at this shit.

Well I committed to that 24 hours of let’s see what happens.

When I got home from work about 3 hours after I started my internal clock I was folding my laundry and found my red bandana stuck to the back of one of my micro fiber towels I use for camping. It had been stuck to the back the entire time. At first I had a Woo moment but at the same time my mind was like “you went out of your way to make this happen” because yes I still had my mind fixated on that bandana when I got home. I wrote it off as coincidence. I hadn’t learned my lesson on that yet.

Found my bandana but it wasn’t the randomly I had inserted in my mind.

The next day when I was on hour 23 of my little experiment I’d sort of forgotten about it up until I was pulling into Publix to pick up some deli things and my Instagram pinged. I opened my phone to a reel a friend had sent me.

It was a video of Sturgill Simpson with a message attached to it.

I looked at it and laughed. I was like “shit I had forgotten about this” and at that same exact moment I looked up from my phone to see a woman walking across the parking lot with a red bandana on her head. I’m sure she was wondering who was staring at her like a ghost.

At first I wanted to see it. I needed proof of some pseudoscience shit. The whole time I was hyper focused I didn’t see or get what I wanted. It’s when I forgot all about it

It said “hey” 👋🏼 and went about its day.

Law of attraction is amazing.

Theories are my thing right now too. I’m all over the 12 universal laws.

• Law of Vibration: Everything is energy vibrating at specific frequencies; to attract, you must raise your personal frequency.
• Law of Inspired Action: You must act on your desires, as just meditating or visualizing without movement keeps you stagnant.
• Law of Cause and Effect (Karma): Every action has a corresponding reaction; intentional, positive actions yield positive results.
• Law of Correspondence: “As within, so without”—your external reality reflects your internal state.
• Law of Compensation: You reap what you sow; efforts are rewarded positively, often by the universe or others.
• Law of Polarity: Everything has an opposite (light/dark); you can master your life by shifting from a negative to a positive polarity.
• Law of Perpetual Transmutation of Energy: Energy is constantly changing form, allowing you to turn thoughts into physical reality.
• Law of Relativity: Each challenge is a test of strength and a lesson; perspective shapes the experience.
• Law of Rhythm: Life operates in cycles and rhythms (like seasons); you must work with these, not against them.
• Law of Gender: Everything has masculine (active/doing) and feminine (receptive/being) energy, and balance is necessary for manifestation.
• Law of Divine Oneness: Everything is connected, so your thoughts and actions impact the whole.
• Law of Attraction: Like attracts like; you attract what you are, not just what you want. 

This is googled reference here. I could break them down in scenarios and examples but I have to work for a living and I don’t have the time. But yeah I’ve been on this for a bit. It fits me like a glove.

No woo

No judgment or tithe

Solid advice

I didn’t look for these they found me. Just as the other activities I’m engaging in right now. My body or soul pings and I go that direction. Same as slowing my life down, sitting in stillness, breath work. I didn’t trip over a homeless yogi in Asheville or anything like that. I don’t have spiritual guides, sages or teachers to be honest you don’t need them. If you sit quietly long enough your big brother starts to communicate with you.

“You should do this”

Not

“Though shall NOT do this”

It hums it doesn’t scream.

Big bother who Chad? The universe, the monad, the big cosmic tree in the sky. Whatever you want to call it. It’s big circuitry and we are all attached to the same breaker box.

We are all attached

All

Attached

“We are all God’s children”

Correct. We are. Not sure why we all hate each other so much then.

God isn’t a big Gandalf looking robed guy in the sky. I know growing up as a kid that’s how I saw him. Golden throne, white hair and beard and well of course he’s fucking Caucasian.

God is inside you. And he’s not a wizard or bearded. Well not unless you are.

The Bible tells you this. All of this. Think of it as a decoder ring.

“For the Bible tells me so”

Stopping there. Some of you are getting uncomfortable. As I’ve said a dozen times before I will never insult anyone’s religion or beliefs. It’s all tied together we were taught about it with deceit in mind.

Control

Shame

Diversion

Ouch

It should make you wonder just a little why more and more people are just now waking up to this all over the world with the same thoughts. Thats universal programming and not the other way around.

That’s not woo.

Also just your daily reminder

Observe don’t absorb

Peace ☮️