Bearded Gang

I typed this out three times before it finally stopped autocorrecting to jumping. I guess humping isn’t in my preferred vocabulary and well that’s a little sad.

I just finished a quiet morning routine of nothingness. I make my coffee and do nothing for 30 minutes.

I do nothing.

I don’t listen to any music, I don’t look at my phone or watch tv I sit still for half an hour. Not completely still I can drink coffee and look around the room but I don’t engage in any distractions during that time. Obviously if I have to use the bathroom I will it’s not a staring at the wall contest.

I just sit still.

It’s a good prelude if you’re trying to get into meditation but can’t focus. Highly recommend this it’s good to unscramble your thoughts. It’s also much more difficult than you think. We are all programmed for stimulation and dopamine. This ain’t it. I’d recommend doing it before getting on the medias. Set your own tone and intentions before someone else does.

Anyone else try to find random people they used to know in their old lives on social media? Sometimes I’ll get in a mode and think “I wonder if I can find Travis who used to bag groceries with me at Bilo when I was 18” or your old boss that fired you that you always thought was an asshat? If I popped up in people you may know and we haven’t chatted in over 30 years that’s not some mystical fate I just got bored and found your ass after 20 minutes of focus and boredom. If you’re reading this then 👋🏼.

I’ve met all three of my new neighbors and they all seem relatively normal and easy going. Hopefully it will remain that way I have a little history of not getting along with my neighbors. Usually something like this points to a “it’s me and not them” issue but I must admit I’ve done nothing to cause these issues unless I’ve been provoked.

My last neighbor was a raging racist asshat who randomly started screaming at me one January afternoon

The one before that kept to themselves except for they built a 9 foot privacy fence all around their “compound”. I think dad was growing something he wasn’t supposed to. Dad went away after a while.

My neighbor before that at the lofts at Mills mill used to stomp on the floor (I lived below him) if the tv was too loud. I had to go upstairs and encourage him to keep his feet lighter on the floor.

My neighbor at my old house in Overbrook kept his dogs chained in the backyard and all they did was bark and shit in one giant pile of excrement. That went about as well as you could expect.

A neighbor at Huntington downs would purposely let his dog bark at our door to agitate us.

Work neighbors? Well my associate at the local Jamaican restaurant still won’t look at me.

Sakura and I fought over the dumpsters and I had to have a few convos with my taco neighbors too.

Hell I remember my parents and the neighbors across the street screaming at each other in Belle Meade. Belle was wild man.

All this does is certify the fact that I’m meant to live on a large island with no neighbors. I need my reality to catch up.

It’s fate.

I’m really not that hard of a person to get along with.

I didn’t watch the state of the union address. I’m watching birds eat seeds on YouTube. Movies and tv shows have lost their charm/effect on me.

In my mind I’m standing in a little bookstore in Crested Butte with my coffee. Grabbing a book to take up to the gulch to listen to frogs chirp and watch the elks snack. The off-road at the Gulch reminds me of old nc 105 except it’s in Colorado not North Carolina. Long gravel roads with remote camping areas. I wonder how charcuterie would do out there.. Leaving Butte to head out east is one of the best drives in Colorado.

If I were wearing my headphones Rocky Mountain High would be singing in my ears. I’m surprised there aren’t any John Denver conspiracies out there. If he’d died recently everyone would be saying he was working on a documentary about missing kids. Listen, I know there’s some crazy shit going on out there I’m knee deep in the deep state theories

But

Sometimes celebrities just die in shitty circumstances. Not all of them are knocked off. It’s not always that deep but then again maybe it is.

This is definitely one of those journal entries that was written for exercise. No creativity was involved in this one.

I get REI gift cards for holidays and birthdays. Probably around 6 a year. I’ll let them collect over time and use them to buy stuff that I wouldn’t normally buy for myself. For example I won’t use them to purchase socks, propane, hiking shoes or small practical things. If I get enough of them I’ll buy something a little over the top to try out for fun. I’ve got a big 4 ft Goal Zero outdoor light that will light up a hillside. Not practical at all. Big, somewhat heavy but fun as hell to have when you’re sitting on a pitch black mountain top. I had a somewhat expensive shower pump with hot water but hated it. A fire can to keep me warm in places where I can’t build a fire, a swing hitch for my bike rack, my bike rack. I won’t buy these things new unless I get gift cards. My camping gear is abundant but I still buy things frugally unless I know they hold their value. I’m terrible at keeping my gift cards in order and will occasionally misplace one or two. I’ve dropped two of them in the parking lot of REI I wear 5in inseam running shorts so my pockets are about as deep as some of my FB friends and things fall out of my pockets. I rarely carry anything with me that won’t fit in my phone wallet. Both cards I lost at rei were found and returned to me.

I get lucky sometimes.

Misplaced another one for the last two weeks. Spent a solid hour looking for it before saying “screw it” I’ll get over it.

But

I don’t get over things very easy.

While I meditating Sunday I decided to try some self hypnosis to retrace my steps with my gift card. I use self hypnosis at night to go back and make peace with old memories. It works.

Highly recommend

Put my headphones on yesterday late morning and closed my eyes. Tried to retrace my steps and did a little mental beacon like radar in my mind.

“Let’s find that card”

While we were unpacking I had set aside a box of clothes to go up in the attic. Winter clothes I had set aside to hibernate as we head towards spring.

“Your card is in the attic in a pair of joggers you wore three weeks ago”

*opens attic door, opens box

BAM there’s my joggers

BAM there’s my gift card

Meditation is magic for the soul.

Writing is meditation for me also. When I get into a mode I can pull up some old OLD memories once I focus on a specific topic.

That’s all I had to say about that.

My walking routes have changed. We live off of Anderson Street or road I don’t know but the walking routes are interesting. I can walk straight and end up to Main Street or I can take on turn and walk around dilapidated homes and trip over 40 oz bottles. I live across the street from a place that looks like Arkham Asylum. Rusted wrought iron fence, boarded windows and super villains awaiting release into the world.

I’m listening to Best of 3rd Bass. I love late 80s early 90s hip hop. Old school or skool hip hop is a solid beat to write to. Good cadence, keeps your mind balanced. Onyx? Not so much.

Where can I find cheap real estate where I can open up a small record store/deli/ coffee/ thrift store in a small Mayberry town with a loft apartment above? I can get down with that. Man I used to go thrifting every week back in the day. I may have to drive to Asheville today and enjoy some of that.

Who’s with me?

*crickets 🦗

Farmburger sounds good too

Think I just figured out my day for myself.

Cheers

Sometimes I’ll stare down at my phone for a few seconds when I open my WordPress app and try to conjure up some subject matter for me to write. I try to move around when I write and spark new ideas or thoughts. Half the time when I do this my post ends up in the draft department for eternity. I keep them around for that just in case moment. Sort of like the coffee spoon that sits on the corner of the kitchen sink for the sake of not getting your sugar measurements right the first cup.

*takes sip

“Perfect”

*still leaves spoon dangling

I think we are on week three of our move and this would be the first morning it’s felt like a home.

This is my first cup of I’m home coffee.

It’s my weekend. I’ve been working on losing the weekend mentality. In my work career I’ve never had a consistent work schedule. Not for the lack of trying as a restaurant owner and previously a restaurant GM days off were a crap shoot. Or one of your days off become a meeting day so instead of dissociating with work I’d spend 4 hours discussing P&Ls and staffing issues. Back in 2017 after a partnership shakeup I worked 200 plus days without a day off. I didn’t even realize it until after I spent half the day at home I started to get anxious.

I used to think being a workaholic was a flex. I watch some of my friends who still think this way and I hope you find your peace.

I’m in the halfway point of my work lease. My work week has been the most consistent at this point in my career. I close the deli Sunday and Monday unless I have a special order or a large catering. I have a numerical amount in my head that gets me to come into work. Christmas time it gets thrown out the window. Days off are spent planning for the week. It’s a given I don’t dwell on it.

Now I’m in that weekend mode. Thursday is my hump day, Friday is that “tomorrow is my weekend! and then Saturday I’m watching the clock for 5pm. In my head I’m making weekend plans, creating adventures and todo lists. Sunday morning I wake up with a smile and a “I ain’t got shit to do” vibe.

Monday all I think about is that I have to go back to work again tomorrow.

So this is the American dream I’ve been missing this whole time?

On full day of glee

I always get a kick out of the “no one wants to work anymore!” exclamations I see online.

Guess what George? I don’t either.

You just need better balance Chad. Sure thing. Find me a job where I can work 3.5 days a week. That’s balance.

I’m letting off steam folks. Take that chill pill. I enjoy creating. I enjoy making people smile with my work. Stop raising the prices on everything is all. Let people enjoy the fruits of their labor.

Let people live.

I play with numbers in my head.

“If I can sell my deli for this much, take our teeny tiny savings account and sell a lot of my hobby shit I could buy some acreage at “x” build a very small home and farm for three.”

I’m literally one more eye roll away from disconnecting from this, buying a flip phone and shrinking my world down like a shrinky dink. Drive to a cafe to link up to internet, post a blog and go back to my goats, chickens and alpacas.

Greenhouse attached to my little home. Morning coffee facing east, bare feet facing west at night.

Oh yeah

Maybe move out of the country. We no longer own this one anyway.

Peace of Mind by Tyler Childers is in my ears right now.

Music is always a great pairing with your thoughts. Your soul creates a playlist for you when you’re tuned in. That’s all I’m trying to do these days.

Tune in while tuning out.

“Days are dark down in the holler

Waiting for the sun to shine

On the back you have been breaking

Tryin to earn peace of mind”

Tyler throwing it in my face.

My weekend itinerary? I’ve made no plans. I may read I’m about 20 books behind this year. My reading has slipped lately but my writing has increased so my mental seesaw is level. I may reread Lonesome Dove again to bring Augustus back to life for a bit.

I’m taking a day off from current times today. No Internet, no scrolling. It’s also why I’m not talking about anything relevant today. My brain is also on its weekend.

I may take a jaunt up to Asheville. Smell some patchouli and eat a grass fed burger.

Chloe Dancer/ Crown of Thorns by Mother Love Bone is playing. No life reference here I just love this song.

“You ever heard the story of Mr. Faded Glory?
Say he who rides a pony must someday fall
Talkin’ to my altar, say, “Life is what you make it
And if you make it death, well, rest your soul away”

Peace ☮️

Don’t worry I don’t throw these words around at 5:25am to pump my own vocabulary and to be honest I rolled over this term yesterday afternoon while reading. I would consider my stepping into this term, that would shatter my chance of winning a spelling bee, a trail marker of sorts.

Off and on I’ll read a little Carl Jung and some of his writings and or theories ping. I don’t sit at home and read Jung for hours my mind can focus on this type of thing for about 20 minutes at a time before I’m staring off at my toenails.

But it pinged

I’ll use a slingshot here to illustrate although I may change or add another illustration. I use illustrations in my mind to help understand somethings that may fly over my head. It’s also why I probably write in metaphors a lot. I think in metaphors.

Think of a slingshot, an unbreakable one.

Stop.

Rewind.

I need a different approach. Not for you but for me personally. I need to describe it in a way for me to understand it or it’s going to get paraphrased to the point of fucking it up. I do that a lot too.

I’m a cool weather person. Summer is fine but I live in the south and the humidity can kiss my ass once it’s late June to August. I don’t like sweating profusely while standing still in the shade. I enjoy winter more. I can wear soft warm loose clothing, hoodies, hats, warm socks. I enjoy camping in cool weather, fire pits and cozy blankets at night.

Coffee tastes better too. I’m in my element.

Now if I were to encounter a ridiculously cold winter or relocate somewhere that it snows weekly and the average temperature is below zero it may change my whole outlook on winter. It may cause my mood to swing to a summer lifestyle. I may go from high altitude mountain life (which I prefer) to low country beach life. My pendulum for winter has swung completely to summer. The winter experience was such a crisis that I sold all of my parkas and skis for a thong and beach towel.

That’s Enantiodromia

When something becomes too extreme it flips to the opposite out of necessity.

A personal example. If anyone read my blog a while back about my school bus days where I was a subject of bullying that I received for a few years. I was a quiet and shy kid growing up. Violence wasn’t in my wheelhouse. I took some beatings until I flipped into a violent person. I became a violent person to protect myself out of necessity. That wasn’t a pendulum more of a slingshot.

Same meaning if you get my message.

Enantiodromia – running towards the opposite.

Day >night

Life >death

I believe Jung was taking some pointers from Heraclitus who believed reality was structured opposite tensions

Order >brunch service (sorry had to throw that in there) also known as chaos. Something I’m well aware of. That would be another example. I used to embrace chaos for years in the service industry. It was my badge of honor. It became so extreme that my body and mind flipped to order and stillness.

I think that’s enough for now.

Enantiodromia

Do you feel something shifting? I don’t mean tectonic plates, political views or weather.

Something is shifting.

Globally

And

We need to embrace this shift.

Collectively

We’ve all been pulled.

Pulled

Pulled

Pulled

Pulled

The system wants balance. The system being us collectively.

Collectively is where momentum builds.

Tides go in, tides go out. It’s the balance of nature. What happens when the tide goes waaaaaaaaaaay out?

Tidal wave

We live in a system of balance. Not our own government or world system that’s broken. Laws of nature type. Push an inflatable ball underwater eventually it’s going to pop back up. If you’re looking down at it chances are you’re going to get knock in the teeth with it.

The more we are pulled around the more energy is building up on the pushing side of the spectrum. The push back side.

Energy is building up.

For the push.

Collective push.

Not a push from the left, right, middle or apolitical.

This isn’t politics this is spiritual. Natural law.

That’s the shift you’re feeling. Or at least I’m hoping it is.

Listen I’m not a psychic, tarot reader, shaman or any hippie shit that you’re probably calling me right now.

I’m just becoming more aware. Not by choice. I’m following my instincts and trail markers. I’ve been shifting for a while.

Collectively we can accomplish things much greater than individuals.

That’s why they divide. They pull us into micro groups while we pull each other into even smaller ones. Micro groups, when they push back don’t make a dent.

A bee sting only stings.

A swarm can clear out a football field.

Collectively

That’s the shift.

That’s the shift I’ve been talking about for a while. My one employee thinks I’m crazy.

“Next year Barry there will be a shot heard around the world that will cause a collective consciousness shift.” – Chad Gangwer February 2025. Hell I even reposted it the other day.

Enantiodromia

The collective consciousness calls for balance.

We are the collective consciousness. We’ve always been but we are farmed to be divided and pulled away.

The push is coming. If you open your eyes

And your mind

Just don’t push the balance too far the other way. You can be outraged without burning the entire house down. We are better than that.

We can flip over tables though.

Collectively.

Life moves at a faster pace the longer you’re around.

I think that’s why the older we get the slower we move. When you’re younger you’ve got too much time on your hands. Or it seems feels that way. I know the phrase “I’m bored” was on autopilot when I was in my teens and early 20s.

At my time in life you literally do stop and smell the flowers. You walk instead of run. You read instead of glance. Even my music tastes have slowed down. I need to stop tailgating the elderly when I’m shopping. Let them enjoy their level of life.

I lied in bed last night for a bit. Answered a lot of questions dancing around in my head. Sometimes I can get a good view of life when I’m still and focused. I had a lot of noise in my head the past few days.

I needed to retain my sovereignty.

The holiday season still sits in my bones and joints a little longer this year. I’ve got a different horizon of life in my heart right now. Food industry is slowly sliding away.

I can’t quit you baby – Led Zeppelin is in my headphones. Man it’s surreal when the music matches your voice. My mood. Usually by this time I back to boxes with same body motion as normal but not this time. My mind is in another world.

A much better world.

My eyes opened over a year ago and now all I do is observe. That’s what my intuition and instincts tell me to do.

Be still. Don’t engage. I get it but I kinda want to burn things down. I’ve always been the igniter not the watcher.

My patriotism has expired by no fault of mine. Man I was the guy that stood up the straightest when the pledge of allegiance was presented.

Allegiance? To what exactly? Allegiance is a collaboration. Hand in hand. Teamwork makes the dream work? It’s a two way street and it’s been rerouted.

This isn’t about “not my president” it’s about not the country I thought it was at one time. This isn’t an overnight sensation by golly the government has been chipping away for some time.

“I pledge the allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under god, with liberty and justice for all.”

Gtfo with that

Chad does that mean you won’t stand at the pledge? Are you going to kneel?

I’m not even going to show up to the event. You no longer get anything from me.

Patriotism is a stale piece of bread and fiction

Break that down any way you like.

News barely covers the news anymore. If it does I automatically assume it’s propaganda or lying. That’s a trap they set for us years ago.

One nation under god? Which god are we referring to?

Ever been to the Hoover Dam? Just a big ass dam holding a powerful water source. It also has winged statues flanking a star map. Zodiac wheel embedded on the floor.

Denver airport? Just a big glowing pale horse with blazing eyes sticking out for no good reason. Mural showing war, masks and children. Masonic capstone and gargoyles. Pretty wild for a midwestern airport.

Washington monument just a big fat obelisk sticking out of the ground in our nations capital. Speaking of the capital the streets of DC are made into a pentagram and points right to the capital. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

*yawns

Oh yeah Mt Rushmore. I went there a few years ago. Sealed Hidden hall of records is a bit weird behind Abe’s head.

We could go off track and chat about the Statue of Liberty and its comparison to Lucifer. That’s too far for a lot of you. Even me sometimes.

200 pyramids in the US alone. Don’t remember studying that in history class. “It’s just big pointy rocks folks”

School? Remember all your textbooks? Macmillan/ McGraw Hill School publishing? That’s Robert Maxwell. Quite the media proprietary giant. Maybe you know his daughter’s name Ghislaine.

These aren’t conspiracies guys. You can google this.

We’ve had propaganda inserted at birth. Catch up folks I’ve been here awhile. Now that you’ve seen or read with your own eyes what the elites are doing with children this shit isn’t so off base now is it? Alex Jones is a fucking nut job but he’s not that far off..

Want to go deeper? Adrenochrome is just a conspiracy theory right? Remember Monsters Inc? Cute movie. Goes over the topic of scaring the shit out of kids to get their adrenaline. What a cool and fun movie. It’s referencing adrenochrome. Hollywood is amazing at showing you what’s really going on without admitting it. Sounds crazy right?

Right?

Why is it always schools that get shot up? It’s always schools. Always the kids.

Remember when someone tried to light a fuse in their shoe to blow up a plane years ago? After that we had to disrobe and walk barefoot through the airport. Because one guy tried to light a fuse in his shoe. They fixed that real quick.

School shootings? Let’s teach kids how to hide under their desks. Let’s do random scenarios to keep them on their toes.

“Ok kids that’s what we do if someone walks into our school at any given moment and starts killing your friends. Now let’s open up our textbooks published by the father whose daughter is the queen of a global sex trafficking organization to chapter 6 about our Freemason founding fathers.

Random wild thought. Isn’t crazy the one Space Shuttle that blew up to shit was the one that was televised in our schools to watch? Also let’s put a teacher on there to really make it hit home at school.

It’s

Always

The

Kids

Am I crazy? Yeah I’ve been for a while but this, THIS shit is too much to be a coincidence.

I watch some of you and you’re slowly waking up. The veil is fading. You’re fortunate because for me it was ripped off my face like duct tape. For some random crazy reason this was “downloaded” into my head in about a week. Try shuffling this shit around in your mind while trying to make charcuterie boxes.

The Bible? Oh the Bible is amazing. It’s not a comic book by any means.

But

It’s coded. Heavily coded and manipulated over time. Jesus is 💯 real but he’s not that turn the other cheek guy and he’d be disappointed to see the thousands of churches created around his “likeness”. I’m done on that subject some of you unfortunately will think I’m being disrespectful when I’m being the opposite. We all need Jesus. Just not the way you think.

Man my intuition fucking nailed 2026 so far. Y’all really need to engage in some psilocybin.

Life’s short.

This will ruffle some feathers but to be honest I don’t care anymore. Information needs to be seen. Shared.

My daughter is sitting across the room from me eating her breakfast. I want to grab a spaceship and take her far away from here right now.

Wake up folks. It’s just beginning.

Peace.. ☮️

I don’t title a lot of these until I’m done for the morning. Started a long blog yesterday and pushed it aside. It felt like a rant towards mass public behavior and man I don’t want to be that guy again.

Observe don’t absorb

I want to shake about 200,000,000 of you by your shoulders and point at one specific subject.

I’m a father of a 16 year old daughter. The minute she was an ultrasound picture my life became wrapped around her being. When she was just a bump I’d kiss my wife’s (fiancée at the time) belly and tell her I loved her. After her birth I cradled her and have yet to put her down.

My instincts were if it’s a boy I’ll raise him to be a shield for women if it’s a girl I’ll dedicate my life to being hers. I have 5 sisters also that I love with all my heart.

The second she was born the thought of burning the whole world down if someone harmed her burned in my head.

It’s instinct. It has never left me. Even when I pass away you can be assured I will still be there watching over her.

The things I would do to a person/people that ever tried to hurt my daughter..

This isn’t broadcasting. I fully aware of what I’m capable of doing.

After my daughter’s arrival I’ve become attached to the better being of all children. My fatherhood fully absorbed the innocence of children.

Fragility

Carefree

Loving

I witnessed first hand with my daughter. When I see other kids especially daughters, I smile at their innocence. I don’t even know them and I’m their protector. I would kill for your kids.

Without hesitation.

Who hurts a child? Who tortures a child for fun? Doesn’t even refer to them as children.

2300 children a day go missing in this country. 460,000 a year.

I had a shady looking man walk up behind me while I was putting my daughter into her car seat downtown about 15 years ago. I saw him well before he thought I did. I had a knife six inches from his throat before he got to my truck.

He left quickly.

Another sexual predator followed my wife and child around Publix. It was obvious enough that my wife had to find a male manager. We found him online. He was registered. I found him pumping gas solo at a gas station across the street from my home and we had a conversation.

Those are the only two people whose life I have physically threatened. Both have the same connection. I thought my daughter’s (and wife) safety was in jeopardy.

I’m in better control of my emotions now. Don’t mistake that as a weakness.

I’ve read often that you inherit trauma from your parents. Three generations of fathers in two world wars in my blood. I’m a very high strung individual. Even sober. Drinking I was a fucking maniac.

I haven’t read one excerpt from the “files”. I’m not sure I will. The amount of hellish debauchery and torture I’ve heard isn’t good for my mental health. I used to watch Faces of Death while eating popcorn. It wouldn’t phase me.

I see everyone saying “they’ll all get away with it”

“They’re untouchable”

“They control everything”

All I can think about when I hear about it is “what if it was your child?”

A young girl prayed to Jesus while she was raped and tortured. They used that as fodder.

Once I read about that I had to put my phone down for the day.

Observe don’t absorb was thrown out of the window.

All I see is my daughter’s face when I hear these.

I can feel my teeth grinding.

Peter Frampton “Do You Feel Like I do” is playing in my ears right now.

Good capture

Pause

There should only be one subject matter in our lives right now. It blows my mind how many of you will still jump on Facebook and bitch about the division tactics thrown at you.

You’re ignorant. If this hurts your feelings I’ve got two more words for you.

Your punching two separate balls in the sack attached to the same dick

You call out people for being sheep? You’re on the same farm guys and gals.

There’s no jail good enough for this folks.

And guess what “patriots”? I use that term loosely.

It’s all coming from our own country.

I’m not a Trump lover and I was raised a conservative. I don’t go online bitching about him either I don’t like to partake in the online noise. I don’t post politics.

This isn’t political.

This is global responsibility of wiping the earth clean of this evil.

Because that is exactly what it is.

You were told “we are going to release the files”

Then you were told “there are no files”

Then the no files get released and you’re told “ok now it’s time to move on”

All

By

The

Same

Person

And you still wave his fucking flag from your house.

Fucking hypocrites.

And I’m a conservative. Hell no I’m not. Scratch that. I’m a father, a husband and a human with a conscience.

Don’t ever put me in a political category again. I don’t want to be either one of you. Cut the puppet strings.

You line the streets for political reasons.

Homes aren’t hard to find. Eventually the police who also have children of their own will lose interest in protecting shit bags.

Man I’m not observing very well right now.

All you gravy rangers? Now’s your time to shine I suppose if you can get over the brown people taking all your jobs. If you’re still talking about colors just stay away from me. My respect doesn’t have the slightest care for you right now.

I may not post this one. I ranted against my good faith. I needed to

Meh fuck it. I’m letting it out.

“Do you feel like I do?”

6:39am

I move slow on Mondays. It’s my last day off before resuming deli work for the week. I deliberately slow things down a few notches. It’s my day of stillness and rest. I’m shaking it up a bit to go hiking. I haven’t been outdoors in a while and it’s starting to get to me. I don’t mean going for a walk or run, or sitting under a tree although those are some solid options.

I need sweat, uphill cadence, sun on my face and a fat hilltop to gaze over the landscape.

I gotta free range for a few hours. That’s my intention. Table Rock has a new trail for me to hike. November was the last time I laced my shoes to walk up a mountain. Every weekend for the past three months I’ve either had a big order on my day off, snow, sleet, rain or I was moving and packing. My mental health is fine and that’s quite the accomplishment because it wasn’t so long ago I’d be climbing the walls to get outside.

I’m good y’all. Just trying to get some sun on my face and mud on my shoes.

I gave myself 30 minutes to write this morning. Soon it’ll be the gym, yoga and straight to the mountains. I am beside myself with folly. I write with my phone. Some days my fingers can dance all over this keyboard and I can type like a madman. Other days my thumbs go dumb and I’m backspacing like drunk Chad trying to express himself on a Facebook post. This is one of those days.

My thumbs are off by a millimeter. Or if you go by the standard American measurement, they’re off by a mule hair.

In another two weeks or so I can resume my outdoor activities with my camper. Hopefully, maybe three.

Spent my Sunday hanging some art and frames all over our new home with one of my favorite people. The walls are finally coming alive and the home is settling. My feathers stayed slightly ruffled for the first two weeks as we acclimated into our nesting phase. If there is one box sitting out that doesn’t belong I stare at it until I make it go away. Moving it out of my site does absolutely nothing because I will get up and stare at it. If I put it in a closet it will speak like a Shakespearean raven into my head until I reckon with it.

Nevermore

Nevermore

Nevermore

Just unpack the box Chad and go about your day. Well I finally did yesterday. Well except for one. I still have a 100 lb dresser that has to climb some stairs.

The plus side are my walls are 3D now with still life.

8 more minutes

Bought a new stand for my tv to stand on. I’m curious if tv legs could bend would we have the options for TV sits? It was a Costco buy I’ve been sitting on my annual Costco check for about 10 months now. Used it to purchase a 75 inch stand and rolled it out. I’m mentioning the length of the box because it’s relevant to my next side story.

My truck bed is 73.7 inches long. Box was just a tad too long. No problem Chad you can just leave the tailgate down. Yeah I could’ve before last week before I purchased a ridiculously big and heavy tire hitch swing for my spare tire. It’s a Rig’d hitch swing. Big and fancy. I bought it used as I do most things that I consider way overpriced. I love it. Carries my 5th 33in Yokohama billabong bouncer all radial reed monster truck national champion off-roaders.

I don’t know shit about tires yall. All I know is they handle well in the mud and they destroyed my mpgs.

Comes with a fancy fold down table and a cutting board.

And a gas can.

Probably around 80lbs dry. and it’s bolted tight.

Can’t drive with my tailgate down. Tried to force it you know cardboard is can bend and shit. Closed my tailgate and it goes “nope” and pops off my truck. Right in front of a dozen Costco people that I most likely bumped with my cart for being slow.

Didn’t know tailgates could do that. Yeah I did but wasn’t expecting it to happen at Costco in the pouring rain. A Good Samaritan helped me shove a 90 pack of paper towels under the box so I could hover it over my disheveled tailgate that held on like a loose tooth until we got home. I enjoyed a nice 55° shower as I finagled my tailgate back into submission. All of this for a rectangular box for my tv to sit on top of.

Welp I went 3 minutes over. Time to climb a mountain.

Peace.

Our reality is based on certainty.

Certainty comes from our grasp of evidence and information we’ve accumulated over our lifetime.

Throw a ball up in the air it comes right back down. No matter how hard you or anyone else throws it

It comes back down

If you drive a car across the country without putting any gas in it you’ll end up breaking down on the side of the road.

It is certain.

Sometimes you are certain due to past experiences, evidence and subjective environments. “I am certain it will be hot if we go to that festival in Charleston next August.”

One thing is for certain. We don’t like when our certainty is being questioned. We don’t like questioning our own certainty.

There’s a large, LARGE mass of us questioning it right now.

The people we were certain had the capacity of helping us

Our heroes

Our past ones too

Our history

Our religion or our faith in our beliefs.

Our country being the beneficiary of that foam hand with the big finger exclaiming number one status.

Jesus

God

Heaven and Hell

You can Google the two types of certainty I’m not a scholar by any means. I write what I feel is certain and then I’ll research what may not be. If I’m not certain how to interpret my own thoughts and words I’ll look it up so I don’t fuck it up. Even if I’m almost certain. I certainly don’t want to get caught with my pants down.

Anyway here we go

Epistemic certainty – relies on solid evidence and rationality. Beliefs are considered true and indisputable. Gravity, death and taxes.

Certitude – subjective certainty. A conviction of being or feeling right. Your beliefs cause by cognitive biases and confirmation bias.

Religion falls under this category as does some political ideology for a lot of you. Parental upbringing, environment.

We get reeeeeal uncomfortable when something we’ve been certain about our whole lives becomes the uncertainty.

Easy going certainty – “ah it’s raining, this little umbrella should keep me dry.”

*opens umbrella and then wind blows it inside out. Fabric tears

“I was certain if I brought my umbrella with me I’d stay dry!”

Big time certainty – “if that storm comes I’m certain my roof over my home will be fine.”

*tree falls on house, wind blows roof off of your home.

Most of us have been carrying around that same umbrella, hugging the awnings, walking under balconies as we walk hoping we don’t have to use that umbrella we used to be certain would keep us dry.

Now many of us are entering the roof phase.

A big storm is on the horizon. Possibly the biggest we’ve ever experienced.

You’re about to have a lifetime of certainty ripped out of your hands.

Or

The storm may just fly right over your heads.

A few of you won’t even see the clouds. It’s not that you’re ignorant. Your self certainty may keep you dry until the roof falls on your head over time. We don’t like our certainties challenged.

Don’t let your certainties limit you. That’s exactly what the plan has always been.

If they’ve been stripped away don’t lose your ever loving mind and burn the earth down.

That’s what they want to. Fodder from your emotions.

Real soon

We are all going to question our certainties.

Religion is going to be the hardest for a lot of you. Probably the biggest. What you’ve been told and taught may not resonate the same way. I’m not here to tell you what is true or false. My certainties on this subject is just like yours. Certitude.

Subjective.

Some of you are in for a big surprise. I won’t go further into this discussion. It’s impossible to question another’s belief system without them getting uptight. My customer base is smack dab in the middle of the Bible Belt.

I need customers.

Government umbrella? Well if you are the type of person that the government is here to help us well then boy howdy you’re gonna have a hard time with that one.

Seek shelter quickly. Also for the love of god stop the adulation of politicians. Any of them.

Your certainty for healthcare and medicine

Certainty of the food you eat. Even the “organic” brands are poisoning you.

If you’re plugged into this machine you have to raise your eyebrow and notice a shitload of pimples are coming to a head at one time.

A perfect storm.

No I’m not spouting revelations. Turn that knob down for a bit it’s been blaring in your ears your whole life.

Side note: what would you do if revelations had already happened years and years ago?

I don’t discuss religion much. We’ve all been taught to take what has been taught as a certainty or its eternal damnation.

Certainty by scare tactics.

Just like the government teaches us about the “evil empires” of Russia, China and Iran.

Can’t root for the good guy without inserting the bad guy.

Thank god we’ve had Sylvester Stallone beating their asses during the Cold War we created.

Man I sure miss shoving my body under my desk as a kid to practice for nuclear wars. Let’s scare the shit out of little Timmy before recess. I used to watch planes fly over my home as a kid and I’d wonder if it was a Russian missile. I was certain that we were all going to die in a nuclear holocaust. Hell they even made a movie about it and wait, WAIT! Then they made us watch it in school.. I can still see the person getting fried to dust while standing by the link fence. 40 years later.

Hey it worked!

We are certain about how we feel about countries we’ve never stepped foot on. By who we are certain we can trust

It’s crumbling down now.

London fucking bridges folks

Time to recalibrate your certainties.

The system is shit. Always has been. You’ve been taught and trained to swim in it. Keep close to the sides so you don’t get flushed down the drain with your uncertainties.

The world is in salt shaker mode.

“Are we all going to die Chad?”

We are energy. Energy doesn’t die. Once you make that a certainty your reality changes focus a bit.

I’m not here to question your certainties. It’s not my job or place. All I’m saying is let go a little. Don’t absorb all the stress that’s deliberately being thrown at you.

Observe

Don’t

Absorb

Stop yelling at each other. We all need to observe and pay attention. No that doesn’t mean you can’t rage from time to time just don’t rage on your neighbors.

It’s fodder for the ones we need to starve out.

I’m not a prophet. I’d laugh at that. I’ve had this intuition my entire life that I would witness something big. Couldn’t tell you what, where, who or when? Just that feeling in your gut, a fly buzzing in my brain that I would experience something very profound. 2024 my intuition told me that 2025 my life would change. And indeed it did sitting in my tent on an island.

And then it poked my head and said “2026”

And that was it

Me- “2026 what?”

*crickets

Me now in 2026- “oh. Ok. So this may be it? Or the beginning?”

*very slight nod

Am I certain? I think I may throw that word out for a bit. Maybe you should too if you don’t like surprises. I’ve started questioning too many certainties of late.

As I should have all along.

Set your alarms to new times yall. Wake up.

What does that mean Chad?

I’m not certain.

Stop yelling at your friends and neighbors. The noise is distracting you.

That I am certain

Peace ☮️

I’m not sure if I could keep up with the days of the week if it weren’t for my work schedule. My mind hasn’t reset into auto calendar since the holidays. Snow days might’ve thrown me off and moving across town has messed my loops so I’m not doing the regular daily routine I’m used to. Also I joined the Y this week after a 30 year hiatus.

I’m off kilter, I’m out of my comfort zone. This is exactly what I wanted to do. I can already feel my daily thoughts redirecting into a new radio wave. I’m tuning into it deliberately.

My mind pinged when I rejoined the Y. This is my intuitional signal that I took the right path. I love it when I hit a bullseye. I took around a year off from the gym, from the focus of grinding physically and focused on my inner muscle. That sounded weird.. I did home workouts for the time being. Light weights, ropes and calisthenics. I didn’t get soft I only maintained. I did shrink a little. I don’t like bulky. I like fluid motion. At 54 I’m not trying to squat 350 lbs. I’m doing deep knee stretches and hip flexes.

Lack of mobility kills you faster than noodle arms.

My wife says I have gorilla arms. Not because of their diameter but because my arms can reach limbs from afar.

I was hoping the move would jolt my mind and routines and I’m taking advantage of it. Relocating is a good way to start over on some old ways that have stuck to you over time. Little things become big things if you overlook them. That tiny little hole in your roof doesn’t repair itself.

If you let something drip for too long you’ll eventually need to carry around a bucket.

I drive by the Y on the way to work and back. Two opportunities to change my daily routines and I take advantage of it. New faces, new equipment, new energy. New hood to walk and I can do sprints once again.

I fucking love sprints. Even at 54 I can push off fairly well. You don’t want a hamstring pull when you got a hog chasing you in the woods. Sounds funny as hell until you’ve run into one of these brutes while hiking. Everyone thinks about bears. A hog will fuck you up. Big cats will too. “There aren’t any big cats in SC” I almost hit one on my way home from Baltimore 20 years ago. Jumped in front of my truck in Gaffney on I-85 around 11pm.

“That was probably a deer Chad”

Deers dont have long tails. I’ve also seen a cub in that same area although it may have been a bobcat.

Pspspspspspsp

Random, I always wear a ball cap backwards when hiking the Rockies to deter mountain lions from jumping me from behind. Bears are the last thing on my mind out there.

Always carry if you’re a solo hiker

Where was I?

I mentioned recently I don’t write about work as much. I pulled a work muscle during the holidays. Another reason why I focus on the art of slowing down. I’m reeeealll close to throwing charcuterie out the window. I go through these phases a few times a year. Probably because I haven’t been outside for more than an hour since November.

Moving and inclement weather has kept me busy.

I’ll look at some of my pictures of trips in the spring and I can smell the wind. I’m ready for that smell again. Every state has its own distinct odor.

I was trying for some new music this morning but John Prine calls today.

“I’ve been down this road before
Alone as I can be
Careful not to let my past
Go sneaking up on me
Got no future in my happiness
Though regrets are very few
Sometimes a little tenderness
Was the best that I could do”

Prine was/is the best.

I reckon I’ve got about three more weeks before I can go camping again. Heading to Utah in April again with my bud (again). Looking forward to it greatly. Still gotta find a place for him to sleep.

Tetons post summer. I’ve never had a place scream at me so loudly before. Long drive buddy you gotta give me time. Crested Butte won’t leave me alone either.

If I could measure our move in progress I’d say we are three quarters of the way settled. Not sure when in our evolution it became important to hang a bunch of shit on our dwelling walls but it’s the last step. A bunch of still life pics of us doing activities in exotic places.

2D representations of family members smiling.

Random art projects of friends and purchases.

I don’t like puncturing holes with nails and screws. I can hear the house screaming.

I’m joking

Those wall hanger tape things are complete shit. Itll randomly say “fuck it” and fall off your walls at any given time. You’re sitting at home watching The Price is Right and your hanging pic of deceased Aunt Edna drops dead on the floor.

Again

Sorry that was dark. I don’t have an aunt Edna nor do I have any aunts hanging anywhere in my house.

Think this is a good time as any to wrap this up for the day.

Peace.

Journaling is my growth.

It’s my release.

I looked back to some of my very first posts this morning I reread some to see my progress in writing and also my mental health. Both are improving thank you. I wince at some of my journaling, I’m my biggest critic and supporter.

Watching my voice change over time

My style

Most importantly my story.

Two years of writing I’m not sure how many posts I’m not going back to count but I’ve written at least 150,000 words. That’s about a quarter of War and Peace.

I write to hone my skills and I write to release my thoughts.

Growth.

Each word you write down is a release. It’s a release of expression, pressure and emotion. You don’t even have to post it publicly. I do. It takes guts folks. I don’t post on here for TMI recognition I post because I know my feelings and expressions are shared with many others. Sometimes you might relate to what I’m going through and think

“I’m not alone after all”

That’s why I share them. And to hold myself accountable for what I say. Somedays I think I’m wasting my time when I do but I still post them up for myself. The past week I had three different people I ran into tell me that they enjoy reading these.

That’s all I needed.

Yeah I do it for me but as I mentioned earlier I try to remind that we are all relatable whether you like someone or not we all share the same struggles.

I began journaling on here in March of 2023. Almost two years under my belt. My vocabulary has grown I find myself using words in conversations and in my head I’m “where the hell did that word come from?” Sometimes I’ll even use it correctly..

I got to know myself better after I started writing. I’m notating your inner dialogue. Sometimes I’ll jot something down and stare at it.

“Why did you choose to say that?”

“How did that make you feel?”

“Is this feeling unnecessary now?”

“This emotion is no longer apart of you”

“Let it go”

I’ve let go quite a bit. Trauma, bitterness, anxiety I could go on. I read some of my first entries and I’m experiencing an older version of me. I don’t talk the same way. I don’t think the same way.

I keep writing. Everyday.

It’s my devotion.

Devotion to a better me.

Everyday

Like Bradley Cooper in Burnt shucking his oysters until he’s paid his dues.

Devotion

It’s changed me and it’s meant to because my trail markers tell me so.

My writing sometimes exposes my trail markers. I ended my 4 years of reckoning because my writing told me to. Literally wrote it on the page for me “Your reckoning is over” I cried for ten minutes when I wrote that.

Writing releases

I’ll go back to that insert regularly when I’m struggling with my old self to remind me that I have nothing else to prove to him.

The demolition is over.

Time to frame a new you.

I couldn’t have done it without the assistance of journaling.

Most of my writing material comes from my meditations. Or when I’m driving up to some mountain holler but I’ve been grounded the last few months. Something will stroll into my mind and I’ll make a little phone note of it. I’ve got quite a few to catch up on some stories are harder to mold than others. Somethings I begin to write are emotional reactions and I burn out once the feeling subsides. I’d like to think it’s the writing that diffuses my bombs.

I’m reprogramming the words I think and say.

Deliberately

I worked in kitchens most of my career the words that sometimes come out of my mouth can be a little crassy. It doesn’t take much abrupt emotion for those words to sing like an angry hummingbird.

If I think before I write the words I say then my mind begins to follow suit.

I can feel the words writing in my head before I say them now. Or at least I’m getting better at it. It’s quite the gem for me. Also it allows me to express myself better. I’m a man of few words if profanity is removed.

I’m working on it.

Some mornings if I actually reread what I wrote I’ll smile and think “man that felt good to let go”

I used to concern myself with my grammar. I let that go months ago. My words are grammatically incorrect. It’s how I speak.

I may not write out “I ain’t got no”

instead of

“I don’t have any”

most of the time but I’m sure as hell thinking it. Thanks for that one Piedmont.

When you write things down you’re creating a visual representation of what you’re thinking

How you’re feeling

A story board of your thoughts.

After you write, stop and look at what you jotted down. Read it aloud like someone else wrote it.

Standing over yourself.

Like a teacher that looks over your shoulder checking your work.

Once you observe how you think you begin to understand that other person that talks to you all the time.

The one that’s scared

The one that doubts

Hesitates

Backs down or away

I lost most of my confidence when I parted ways with my old company. I found it again through writing. This from a guy who never takes notes because he didn’t like to write. Trail marker slapped me in the face to wake that guy up.

Mandolin Rain is in my ears. Highly recommend for a headphones vibe

Bruce Hornsby. Shares my mother’s maiden name.

Writing slows me down. It makes me sit and pay attention something 12 years of rotating teachers were unable to do. I have the low grade report cards to prove it.

Actually I don’t.

Parents don’t save report cards wallpapered with C’s.

Glad my child doesn’t have to deal with that. She’s a smart one. She’s what I wanted to be scholastically. Baton flipped over my head on that exchange.

I’m not embarrassed by my school grades by any means. I was never a C person just the student part. Can’t recall the last person standing in my business asking what my state test scores were while they picked up a charcuterie board.

As I write my work mind is twiddling it’s thumbs – “hey let’s halt the journaling bucko you have a new menu that you’re rolling out today.

Fuck

Fine

Peace and elbows yall.