I’ve done a lot of looking back the last year few years.

Healthy dosages.

There’s a difference between living in the past and reflecting on it.

Perspective

I like to look back to see how far I’ve come. My rear view mirror is to see the horizon shrinking behind me not to see if a car is catching up to me. I drive in the right hand lane now y’all. There are no more cars I wish to pass.

Nothing wrong with looking down either. What’s the first thing you do when you hike up to the top of a mountain? You look down to see how far you climbed.

You release, you smile.

You accomplished.

I have to use a calculator to add up my non bottle days now. I used to be able to tell you how many days if asked but now I’m popping up fingers and toes to add them up. After a while you don’t think in days or months. It becomes the background of your life. I can look at a bottle of vodka and say “hey I remember you” and keep walking. It’s quite the feat. I tell anyone willing to listen that beating addiction is something you should brag about.

I’m not invincible to my urges or past. Went to a little neighborhood function in N main yesterday and felt out of place because I didn’t have a beverage in my hand. It doesn’t have to be alcohol. Coffee is a good handheld too but I was empty handed. I lasted half an hour before I had to leave. Socializing is still awkward to me. My lifestyle at this current level I may remain that way. I enjoy being around close friends but being in an environment surrounded by a hundred others still gives me the hives. This isn’t an anxiety or anything close. I’ve been focusing on my own peace and I’ve been around crowds more than most over the years. Small talk makes me want to pull my beard hairs out.

Shrunk my circle to a pin head. Friends, as we both get older, don’t congregate like we used to. We all seem to have more important things to do. Even returning texts seem to be an effort for some.

I may have over socialized myself. Also invites to hang shrink considerably when you stop drinking.

I have considered opening myself up to a few overnight camping trips and bringing a small group of guys out to camp, cook and hike. I feel some of you don’t try to experience these outlets because

1. It can be intimidating to go camping alone
2. It can be expensive if you don’t already have the equipment.

Nothing big mind you. Four guys max, I’ve got the equipment to cater that many. Tents, hammocks, cookware. It would be good mental bonding I think.

Nature heals the soul yall. I’m living breathing proof.

Often times I feel like I opened up a little portal in my brain after kicking vodka’s butt. A little higher consciousness overtime that’s been trying to reach out to me. A smoke signal on a foggy morning. It’s out there. Or in there.

Perspective

Rewiring is quite the challenge. I’ve never been much of an electrician.

I’ll hit 3.5 years next month. Patience is involved in this process.

“How long did it take to heal?”

That’s an impossible question to answer. There’s a fine blend of healing that becomes growth without announcement. I call them downloads. In my reality my inner self is rewarding me with healthy spiritual downloads for breaking my relationship with addiction.

That’s better than anything you can buy on Amazon.

The sun is starting to shine through my window. It’s time to go outside.

Peace. ☮️