Bearded Gang

I’m not tone deaf to the fact that not everyone can be prepared for a regional crisis at all times. Space, money and time are resources that some of us don’t have.

But

Reactive < proactive

It bothers me and I don’t have a reason as to why. Ok I have a few.

It drains supplies because everyone goes on auto bulk in purchasing. It drains the inventory, wipes the shelves clean. Everyone goes into panic mode when they don’t have enough toilet paper to wipe their ass for 6 months.

Shit hits the fan not your fanny.

Others will try to best the elements due to procrastination. That means cars in ditches, power lines getting plowed which brings first responders out in this shit. Regular folks forced to drive to work because you forgot peanut butter at Food Lion.

All because you didn’t take this shit seriously.

If you have a family always have a few things on hand.

Gas can

Non electric heat source

Knowledge of how to filter water or a water filter. Containers to hold that water

Solar panel and battery

Generator

Food options with a healthy shelf life. Knowledge on how to preserve

Portable shelter

Protection

First aid kit.

I realize the price tag on those items can be overwhelming. Suffering is too. Weird how 10 years ago we didn’t really harp on these things and here we are about to face regional disaster for the second time in less than two years.

Helene PTSD anyone? I’ve got some and all I dealt with was no power for 9 days. I got a little warm during the day time and was out of work. When thunder shakes my house now I get anxious. I spend 20% of my time outdoors. I’m prepared for these times by proxy. It’s my hobby.

I don’t fear the ice storm. I have shelter. I have blankets I live in the south barring some pole shift that wrecks the hemisphere I’m not concerned about freezing to death. I’m surrounded by trees I can find a heating source I don’t care if I have to build a bonfire in my backyard.

Small hack, if you have a tent you put one up in your home during power outages and curl up in with a sleeping bag to stay warmer if your heat is out long term. Don’t shove your head inside the bag. You’ll wake up with a runny nose.

It’s not the weather it’s the people

The people scare the shit out of me.

Panic mode

You get a mob of people out of their comfort zones and add a little anxiousness and walls begin to collapse. I went to Home Depot yesterday around 7am for a couple of reasons.

1. I’m a weirdo and I like to walk around places like these to see what I could use in an emergency situation that’s a little outside the box. I also like to watch consumer behavior. What goes first, what’s left.

2. I watch everyone to see how they react to emergencies, interact with each other and staff. Body language, sense of urgency. I’m watching your nervous system so I can know when I have to worry about mine. When y’all start getting out of hand I’ll stay home for a bit. I’m not getting stabbed over a gas can.

I also went to my local grocery store to see what was available and what went first. It’s amazing the amount of healthy foods still left on the shelves but that’s just our culture. The parking lot was full at 7:30. Everyone with a sense of purpose. No casual strolling.

I didn’t attempt Costco. Nor will I anytime soon.

I did this during Helene. Stood next to a line for propane and watched the fidgeting, body language, nervousness. That was day two. By day three I watched two people argue over a gas pump and read about another fight over the last bag of ice.

Day three. That’s all it took.

Imagine a month. Thats why people worry me. We don’t know how to act when all we do is react. I’ve got a family. I do my due diligence to make sure they are taken care of in these situations. When others don’t do the same it makes me nervous. Don’t come knocking on my door. Peace of mind may cost you a few hundred bucks. It’s worth it. If I didn’t have the deli my family and I would be halfway to Florida right now.

I don’t think it’ll be as bad as the fear mongering meteorologists say but I don’t take chances with my family. Also when did we start naming storms? Names give storms identity.

Weird

So much easier to refer to a devastating event with a first name.

Katrina

Hugo

Ivan

Helene

Now Fern is it? You don’t give something a name that you don’t want to keep around.

My generator is primed. I’ve got 10 gallons of gas and a full tank in my truck. I’ve got 4WD but I’ll walk before I drive somewhere.

It’s not me it’s you.

I’ve got 20 gallons of water containers. Two batteries. 6 little propane tanks for cooking. Old kerosene heater with a pack of wicks and fuel but not that much I only bought one of the last two. I left one for the next person. It’s not that hard to be considerate. I can go without but I won’t if it’s not necessary. I’d rather leave some fuel for your grandparents.

I got coffee, books and blankets. I’m good for a bit.

If you bought some things just for this storm I’d suggest keeping it around for the next one. They seem to be coming around more often than they used to.

Don’t sell your peace of mind on marketplace. I watched a lot of folks up in NC sell their generators and solar powered goods on marketplace after Helene and I was like “ehhh I’d hold onto to those if I were you”

I got a battery for cheap because of that.

Stay safe yall. Peace

Bought my real first camera yesterday. Well ordered the body for one on Amazon. There are no camera stores on this side of town other than Best Buy and well their inventory is mostly computers and phones nowadays. I’m not a camera person so I researched for a few weeks and opted for a fujifilm that is user friendly but still able to upgrade with some lenses that cost a car payment.

I’m following my trail markers

I’ve always enjoyed photography it was the reason why I scrolled on Instagram before it became a multi ad agency. Can’t wait to take some pics of rocks and shit

Looked at some of my old memories on Facebook. On this day in 2020 we’d just wrapped up our holiday party at LTO. A month later a germ would come and fuck it all up. I recall my mind at the party that night feeling distant from the festivities. I wasn’t quite Lt. Dan on New Year’s Eve but I wasn’t vibing. Couldn’t feed into the energy. It could mean anything but I feel like I was already leaning towards the inevitable separation. I don’t harp on these moments anymore this is more looking back on my transition of things to come.

I also acknowledge of how it annoying it was to refer to my staff as work family. That term annoys me now. That’s not to say I wasn’t close to anyone I have about 6 to 8 people that I’ve remained in contact with after all this time. One or two of them actually support my deli. Two of them still work for me.

My real take – I wanted to be the best boss in the whole world. A player’s coach. After my brain cooled off from all of my self indulgences and ego I saw I fell short on several things.

I’m not looking back and beating myself up about it. I’m only acknowledging. Lesson served lesson learned.

I cared and I tried until I didn’t. By the last year I was walking people out the door on a regular basis.

Man that seems like so long ago. Even now I’ll catch myself with my one employee and offer an apology for my behavior.

*turns big fat page

Simply Red – Holding back the years is in my ears currently.

“Well I’ve waisted all my tears”

“Wasted all my years”

“I’ll keep holding on”

I’m fine y’all. I’ve alchemized these memories into life lessons. It’s quite healthy.

I’ve also been on an 80’s new wave kick lately.

Had some old memories picked up and taken to the dump yesterday. I’m sort of an everything has a soul person. All matter is energy so why not? I threw out some things I built for my old camping set up, an old painting and a workout setup I’ve had for a decade.

Memory is attachment. Attachment is emotional. I sat outside in my garage for a moment and looked around and thought “this is how easy things can go away”

Just like that. Things that were a daily part of my lifestyle.

I didn’t watch the game last night. Not a single play. It took a minute to figure out who won on social media all the clips were focused on the little scuffle at the end of the game between two players. If this doesn’t fairly represent our media coverage then I don’t know what does. I finally saw a good clip of Mendoza making his picture perfect leap over the goal line and that was the entire game for me. 17 seconds of football and I’m good.

I have my weekly coffee date with my favorite teenager today. Gotta go warm up the truck.

Peace.

We are in a feverish state of packing at the moment. Signed a lease on a home across town with 14 days to put everything inside of a packing vessel to be ready to roll for the movers coming on the 31st. After a certain amount of time you can no longer call onto your friends to help you move. My friends are all well into their 50’s now and trying to picture them helping me haul a sectional into a box truck seems like an action of insanity. Add me to that group I no longer have the whim to carry large pieces of furniture from one place to another. I don’t care how much it costs I’ll start an onlyfans if I have to. I have one friend that helped me move so much that when I text him out of the blue his first response is “I’m not helping you move a couch.”

-side story I used to buy a new or used sofa about once a year for a decade because I’m like Goldilocks when it comes to furniture.

“This one is too hard”

“This one is too soft”

“The pillows sag on this one”

“I keep falling into the crevasse”

“The seat is too deep”

“This one smells like a gerbil when it rains outside”

“This one is sticky” (any leather sofa in the summer)

We’ve got one I enjoy now. The cushions still sag though

I don’t move furniture anymore. In my younger days my wife would come home from work and I’d have moved a 9 foot sofa upstairs to a nook in the bedroom solo. I have no idea where that brute strength came from or where it went because now I have to stretch before pushing a barstool up to a counter.

I took down about 20 storage boxes from the attic that had last seen daylight from our last move. We all have these storage boxes of old memories that we refuse to release from our grips.

Ancestral trinkets that would evaporate into dust should oxygen get into the seal.

Multiple books of fiction you’ve had since you lived in a dorm

Clothes with tags still on them that you intended to wear for a special occasion that never occasioned

Keepsakes like that cigarette bud that was smoked by Eddie Van Halen you pulled out of the ashtray and put into a ziplock bag (I kept it for 5 years)

That one unlabeled VHS tape that you can’t get rid of because you don’t know what’s on it and don’t want it to fall into enemy hands.

That briefcase of 100 CDs that you’ll never listen to again but you invested half of your 90’s income into your song library and toy refuse to part with it.

The fun discovery of old loose photos that fall out of the boxes while you’re packing. We all sit still for a moment and smile at these regardless of how ridiculous we used to dress ourselves back in the single days is thirstiness.

Finding old photos of your parents

Old work parties where everyone has crooked faces from getting tequila bombed

That party shirt you used to love and wear only during the drunkest of fests

That group of friends that were your best buds in the entire universe but you’ve all lost touch

Occasionally there’s a photo thread of “yep into the trash with you” where you cringe

Old love notes and cards that remind you of what’s always the most important

Daughter’s art and thank you notes. Her old stuffed animals that you refuse to throw away because it would be like throwing away memories of her childhood. I can think of at least 3 or 4 that will always be in our possession.

Linens and textiles man for some reason I refuse to throw away old blankets and pillows. I finally tossed some aside yesterday.

Junk drawers, the social equalizer. I bet even the pope has one. A fun thing to do sometime is to empty out your junk drawer and notate the contents. We have three of them. One with random shit no one knows if it’s important to the other so we swipe counter contents into the nearest drawer. Loose change, travel cup lids from assorted yetis phone cords from yesteryear, receipts just in case the accountant needs to know if you’re writing off a box of Tictacs from QT.

The other junk drawer is for specified items of use. That random screwdriver that’s used to cut open envelopes, dull scissors for on the spot crafting, 14 bottle openers, warranty of the air fryer that hasn’t been used for 4 years that sits under the kitchen counter in your junk cabinet (do I need to talk about this one?)

Glassware, this is a peeve of mine. A family of three doesn’t need 47 varieties of cups, mugs, pints, steins, cocktail glasses, flutes, Nalgenes, wine glasses. Literally no one in my home drinks wine.

Camping gear? Oof. I’m so happy I have four different fold out tables and 5 camping chairs. One that I ran over but I’m still like “I can fix him”

I have things on top of my fridge that have veins permanent unused fixtures of posterity. I’m sure that one of those ceramic airtight containers with no label holds a dead aunt’s ashes inside.

Electronics that are outdated. I still have my flip phone that I refuse to throw away because it has old pics of my daughter on it. I’m sure one of the 135 old chargers I’ve saved will revive it.

Redistribution of your furniture into another home is a crap shoot. Everything purchased within the last 5 years was meant to fit in its specific location and niche.

A mise en place of movable fitments

If the room is too small you may have to move that accent chair into the bathroom

If it’s too big you have to go out and buy some whimsical piece to sit in the corner of the room. Where else are you put your folded laundry for three days?

Pulling off old photos from the walls, tape taking 4 layers of leaded paint with it. Then you’re left with this thought of “does this one get hung back up?” You can see my nipples through that shirt.”

*looks around living room filled with boxes and clothes

*sighs

This next home won’t be home it’s temporary but necessary.

As I said last time we are Queuing

Got a junk truck pulling up this afternoon to remove some old stagnation. It’s needed and also necessary

Scooter Blues is playing in my headphones for some reason it resonates at the moment. “Wave to the world, screaming “Hasta Luego!”

Gotta finish packing up.

Peace

I’m in a good flow right now. Haven’t really done anything to encourage or discourage the current here I can feel the flow.

It’s a solid vibe.

It’s not hard to describe you know when you’re floating downstream as opposed to fighting the current. I’ve mentioned in other blogs of how I slowly transition into a newer download of myself after the charcuterie holidays. I’m sure it’s a lot of mental (in my head) but it really does feel like a molting of sorts. I said 2026 would be a defining year for me without any other explanation. I’m unable to see into the future but I can mold it in my mind.

I can manipulate it. It’s not magic y’all. Find something you want to happen and follow the trail markers.

Found out we had to move about a week ago and we’ve found our new home. We’ll be Augusta rd folks for a bit no more N main NPCs. I love N Main and most of the people except for my asshat neighbor but I’m not a fan of zigzagging in and out of the all the cars parked roadside. It’s never made sense to me why someone would pay $750k for a home and park your car in the street. $750k on my end of the discussion and you wouldn’t be able to see my truck from the road.

Anyhoo

Flowing

We are moving on the same exact day we moved into this house 5 years ago. I enjoy a good cycle. This home did what it was intended to do. I’m rested, mostly healed and happy. That says a lot. Moving is a good way to remove a lot of old stagnant energy that you’ve been carrying around with you. I’m emptying out closets, boxes, cabinets, storage and gear that no longer have energy with me.

A molting of possessions

The house is a newer built cottage style. It’s like most of new age Greenville the neighborhood is a gentrified sandwich between Anderson st and Dunbar. 30 years ago I wouldn’t have driven down this street at night. Now I’m buying matching drapes and rugs and eyeballing window boxes for the patio.

Deli was decent yesterday still not busy but the energy was good.

Flowing

I’m not getting into my feels about it. I used to. I still can but I won’t.

Sold my camper top last week. In a funny episode of “I’ll never sell this damn camper top” I found myself last week exclaiming in my head that I won’t be able to sell this camper top anytime soon. I own a third generation Tacoma with a 6 ft bed which is a unicorn of sorts with Toyotas. Someone with the same exact style truck as mine has to see my marketplace ad, like the price of my listing and also has to bring an extra fella with them to help unload the 170lb topper.

I posted it last Friday. As I was walking into my deli Saturday morning I was a little overwhelmed with the thought of moving and finding a place to store my topper. “I’m not going to sell this anytime soon” was repeating in my head. Before I opened my door I said aloud “you’ll never sell this topper if you believe this”. I thought “fine!” and just let it go.

2 hours later someone reached out about it. 22 hours later a black third generation Tacoma with a 6 ft bed pulls into my yard. Half hour later my topper was on its way to Asheville.

Odd way of saying this but things flow so much better when you stop giving a shit about control. Maybe that song in Disney’s Frozen had it right the whole time.

Let it go

I’ve never been good at that.

But

I’m getting there

My tent that I had for sale is on the way out too. Exactly one week after the topper.

Flowing

I’ve started a rather difficult calisthenics routine in lieu of weights. Listen, all of you gym rats that love throwing around heavy weights, I’m happy for you. I’d strongly advise you to change your routines while you’re younger.

Flexibility. I can’t say this loud enough.

I’m not selling courses.

Something about doing a 45 second squat with no weights make my knees sing. My knees used to be shit. All that trail running while trying to PR squat. I’ll never put a bar on my back again. My legs are actually bigger than they used to be. That’s not saying much my old man wasn’t a leg man. I can still kick a 6 ft tall man in the nose though. I may limp for a week afterwards.

My next two weeks will be deciding what else to discard from my life physically and mentally. Boxes in the attic that hold memories that no longer matter, chipped furniture with dead energy, clothes that no longer fit my lifestyle.

I’m honestly excited. Moving is a great way to discard old habits and loops. That’s my jam right now. New routes to work, new grocery store runs, new places to eat, new walking patterns, new place to plop my ass on a cushion and philosophize.

I can dig it.

I’m flowing

It’s more than a feeling. Boston is still in my ears. This is one of my favorite songs of all time. Deeply coded. Tom Sholz had a Masters in MIT engineering. Built his own studio in his apartment basement. Their first album was produced out of that basement.

What a flow.

I’m working today. I’ll be smiling the whole time.

Come see me.

I never nailed the “what do you want to be when you grow up?” word problem. Growing up I wanted to be a hundred different things. Preteen I most likely wanted to be a fireman, cop or a super hero. Early teens I wanted to be a professional sports player. Didn’t matter what is was hell even pro wrestling would’ve been a fun option. I wanted something fun.

I recall my first book report on a career path in 8th grade I did a write up on becoming an obstetrician. I didn’t really care to be one but I liked the Cosby Show at the time and Cliff was one and it looked like he had a swell life and a big family. I never pursued it obviously and my GPA hovered below a 2.0 so any sort of medical education wasn’t shining bright in my life. I still faired better than Cliff did in the long run..

My guidance counselor treated me like a file in her cabinet and by my senior year she pretty much told me that Greenville tech was the best solution for me. “You’ll figure it out once you get going. Choose an associate of arts or science degree and by year two you’ll find your direction”

My interests were commercial art my senior year. I applied to the Arts institute of Atlanta. I got accepted but the money I was to use for my tuition had been spent by my parents to pay bills for other things and people. It crushed me just a tad. I changed my direction to education. I was to be a history teacher I had always been a fan of history and it was one of my few grades I kept above a C. I’d do two years at Harvard on the Hill and transfer to Clemson.

Ideally

I squeezed by the first semester, signed on for round 2 and never showed back up. Fell in boy love with a sweet young lady and school became the last thing on my mind. My days of college interest expired about the same time our relationship ended.

I tried for a brief moment to go back into a nursing program at 24 but I never made it past the application process. I drifted off into service industry purgatory.

I didn’t WANT to be a nurse. Before that I didn’t WANT to be a history teacher. As I look back on my life I’m glad that I didn’t get into the graphic art world of consumerism because I’d probably be sleeping with a gun in my mouth every night.

That went dark. Unintentionally. Over the top hyperbole but you get my point. I wasn’t meant to do any of those things.

I don’t think I was meant to be in the service industry. I got sidelined in life in my mid 20’s and never got off the bench.

Off my ass

It paid well. Still does for the most part it just comes with a price.

Stress

Volatility

High volume

Service industry was a side quest and I got lost in it. I got really good at it by proxy. You give a monkey a steak knife eventually it’ll stop poking holes in things and it’ll start turning loins into bite sized tips. Repetition is paramount.

By my late 20’s early 30’s it was excel in this industry or feel lack for the rest of your life so I changed gears of being a front man and focused on starting my own band/business. I tried real estate investing as a side hustle and lost it all in the housing market crash in 2007. I don’t have the stomach to do it again.

Around 40 threw all my eggs in a basket to open my own restaurant. That took away 10 years of my life.

This wasn’t a career choice. It was a life lesson. When I was 20, hovering between full time work, lost love and finding my cosmic foot print the last thing I had in mind was a restaurant or bar. My old man had one and when it failed my father’s entire life did also.

Hot dog holy cow shit did I experience the same exact thing. We were on same exact paths at almost the same time in our lifeline. I have no doubt I would’ve stayed true to that course had my father not shown me the end result 40 years prior. I almost perceive it as his sacrifice to me. “I did this so you won’t do the same”

Love, Dad

I tried to steer clear of the restaurant business for years. I grew up in it. Didn’t see any future in it. A dui at 21 sent me into the annals of it and it swallowed me whole.

I’ve shared, probably overshared what happened after my last career crash over the last decade. I thought I knew what I wanted. Thought I had it all figured out.

My old therapist always said never put all your emotional eggs in one basket and here I was doing it again. I might’ve had a breakdown if I hadn’t exhausted myself from that decade. Came close but no cigar.

My mind didn’t become career focused until after I washed back up on shore. Career focused is the wrong term.

Life focused.

I don’t think I was ever meant for a life filling career. I had quite a few but fulfillment? Hardly. Fulfuckoff with that. I think I’ve been fighting domestication my entire adult life without ever realizing it.

There’s two definitions of the word “career”

The noun – an occupation undertaken for a significant period of a person’s life and with opportunities for progress.

And the verb – move swiftly and in an uncontrolled way in a specified direction.

Hey! That’s me ^^

I came across an Oscar Wilde quote the other day and it stuck with me like glitter in a shag rug.

“If you want to be a grocer, or a general, or a politician, or a judge, you will invariably become it; that is your punishment. If you never know what you want to be, if you live what some might call the dynamic life but what I will call the artistic life, if each day you are unsure of who you are and what you know you will never become anything, and that is your reward.”

I may always be regarded as a restauranteur by my peers and some family but I’d rather not be. I regarded myself the same way for many years.

But

That’s not who I am it’s only a character I portrayed while playing the game. I live in my own little world now and I like it. I don’t have a career I hang out in a big room with a buddy of mine, we make some fun food and dick off most of the day. When I’m not doing that I’m philosophizing with a crow over a campfire on a ridge overlooking a gorge.

My career no longer defines me and I refuse to let it do so.

My career careered off the rails years ago. It was meant to. I’m not meant to be anything other than myself.

Took me 54 years to get this. Doesn’t mean I can say fuck off to working it only means I can say fuck off to letting it mold me into something I am not. I may have the deli 3 years from now or I may not. The difference is I’m no longer obligated to carry around a title or vocational name tag to define me. I could care less.

Can you see me being an obstetrician? Oof

Nurse? I hate wearing gloves.

Commercial artist? I’m no longer attached to consumerism. This is why I’ve mostly walked away from work posting. I despise it (the posting part)

If you’re in your 50’s and feel like you’ve never found your way maybe that indeed is your path. To explore, consider, get lost in the wild.

Just take some time to enjoy the game. It’s a fun ride. Take off your seatbelt and hang out the window.

Peace. ☮️

We’re moving soon. No we aren’t relocating to another state or country although I’d love to throw a dart at a map and load up the truck. I told my wife this idea and threw in “best two or out of three” options just in case the dart landed on Kansas or Ohio. No brainer, I’d drop it all for Colorado, Utah, Arizona or Oregon.

None of this is happening

Yet

We have a daughter in her sophomore year in high school. Our lives for the next two years will be centered around her stability of friends and school. After that who knows? Don’t get be wrong I love Greenville it’s my hometown. It’s not what it used to be. It’s tiring living in a city that’s trying its damndest to be something that it’s not. The charm has left the room.

I’ve lived here long enough to say that.

No we’ll be moving somewhere within our daughter’s school district for the next two or three years.

Brief summary of our housing the last 16 years- we lived in San Souci for 11 after rapidly relocating from a 900 sq ft loft condo on Church once we became a family of three. The home was never home although it was meant to be our family house for good.

Bad energy, bad memories along with some wild home maintenance issues for 11 years accumulated into a demon infested home with some real bad juju. Demons mostly being mine.

We moved out after my parting with my old company. We needed a new venue to shake off the old mess of things. I carried my demons with me into this home for the first 6 months or so but I righted the ship over time. I had a lot of help.

We’ve been renting this little house for five years. I don’t mind renting especially when at the time we had no idea where things were going to go for just about anything in our life. Something breaks one phone call and it’s fixed. We went from 4bd 3ba to a 2bd 1 bath. Quite the jump. 2600 sq ft to 1000 if the windows are open. We discarded a lot of shit. We are about to do it again.

We received a call from our landlord that they were selling the house. The landlord sounded a little upset I guess they enjoyed having us as a tenant for the last 5 years. It’ll be 5 years on the nose February 1st.

My wife was hesitant in telling me and I get it I’m a comfort zone person. As much as I like new things I’m slow to change big things and it throws me off for a bit. You absorb energy from your surroundings and it gives back.

Im attached to this little home.

But

At the same time I looked at my wife and said “you know what? I think it’s time to move.”

“We’re at the end of a cycle. 5 years. In those five years I’ve sobered up, we acclimated to a slower lifestyle, we’ve defeated demons and shedded some old toxic routines”

This little home on Hillcrest was a sanctuary for healing and peace. It harmonized with a tired family, a family that needed a slower pace. Lick our wounds, sit in stillness and repair.

It did what was intended.

The next move will not be the finale by any means but I see it as the launch. Being comfortable for the last 5 years, we need a small push into the right direction. The next home will be a lobby, waiting room, the place before you board the train or flight. It will feel temporary for a couple of years. Temporary may be the wrong term. We will be in queue for a bit.

A healthy one nonetheless.

I like this little home, my feet are resting on my coffee table I bought from a yard sale 13 years ago. A solid Crate and Barrel chest that’s held my feet up a thousand times plus. Put a side by side Chad next to each other. The one from Tindal rd (San Souci) to the guy sitting here now.

Jekyll say hello to Hyde. We made our peace awhile back. I only keep Hyde around for emergencies.

What will I become next? Or is the transition done? Is there anymore cocooning? Probably. I still feel like I’m downloading Chad 5.0

My only need for next home is a place I can store my camping gear and maybe an extra bathroom. Gas oven would be ideal but I’m not the chef snob I once was.

And then what? I don’t know man and honestly I’m not even thinking about it. My life has worked out a lot better for me when I stopped looking ahead and started looking around. I know it’ll involve chickens, a goat or two and maybe an alpaca. Enough property that if someone wants to pull up and camp have at it.

A creek would be nice.

It’s not the plot of land that’s important only the plot of life.

Cheers

Greeted by a full moon to the face first thing this morning.

Part of my daily routine is I’ll go outside first thing in the morning with my bottle of water and stand in the grass barefoot. I’ll look up at the stars if they aren’t hiding behind the clouds and take in my little cosmos. The grass is usually damp and always cold. Sometimes I’ll get some crunchy vibes when it’s really cold. I’ll stand with my water in both hands and speak into my glass. I’ll have some nice things to say to Mr. Water glass and have a quick and easy breathing session before returning inside. All I’m doing is letting my water know that I’m grateful for its hydration and memory. We make a solid team together. I’m barefoot to ground with the earth. The earth is a sentient being. It gives off a low hertz of 7.83 which is referred to the Schumann resonance. It’s considered the world’s heartbeat. If you want an idea of what I’m referring to grab some headphones and listen to hertz at 7.83. You can do it with Spotify, YouTube or Apple. It’s not something you want to dance to by any means it’s meant to relax you.

Soothe your soul.

We are meant to bond with earth. I’m not being a hippie it’s science. Respect her and she’ll return the favor. Piss her off and she’ll respond in kind.

If you aren’t familiar with brain waves (I’m by no means an expert) they are the electrical signals and patterns in your brain linked to your state of consciousness. They are paired with levels of hertz that correspond to your body/mind/soul. I’m not a learned doctor of medicine or anything remotely medical so when I’m explaining something to you I’m breaking it down in terms that I can relate to.

Delta (.5-4h)- deep sleep, snoring with your mouth open. Possible drool pooling in your pillow.

Theta (4-8h) – this what I try to achieve when I’m doing nightly meditation before bed. 30 minutes in a deep relaxed state, almost half asleep. My mind gets into a quiet creative mode when I stay aware. I use this for my deli ideas and spiritual practice.

Alpha (8-12h) this is my morning routine. I’m at ease, stretching, feet in the grass. Im collecting my thoughts slowly, haven’t planned out my day or even thought about work. I’ll sit with my headphones on with calm playlist, glasses off and sit in a quiet setting for 20 minutes. I’m right in between being alert and asleep. Most of you drive around in your cars while in this mode. That’s just my inserted opinion.

Beta (13-30h) – my current wave I’m riding. This is my favorite. I’m focused, writing in my journal, coffee has reached my system, I’ve got a thousand ideas running around in my mind right now. I feel good. I’m in this mode when I walk.

Gamma (30 +h) you’re in the zone. You’re steering short sharp turns on your mountain bike with ease, TPS reports are flying out, you flipped your over easy egg without busting the yolk. People who work high level performance jobs can maintain this better than others. You’re flowing with the fast current.

I’ve got about 20 projects I’m working on today. I’ll be in gamma mode for half my day.

When I go back inside I’ll warm my feet back up by doing a quick and easy 50 mini jumps to get my blood flowing followed by stretching with my cat who always comes to lie next to me when I’m sprawled out on the floor. She’s either concerned with my positioning or she thinks we’re bonding.

I grab my coffee, sit on my sofa and start writing before my mind wanders off. I write until my brain decides that’s enough. Afterwards I’ll exercise and go for my walk. My old routine used to include a healthy breakfast before 7:30 but over the last few months I’ve moved it to noon. Or at least I’ve tried to. Your body and mind slows down when your stomach is in digestion mode. I used to get frustrated when I had all these ideas I’d want to implement in my deli but once I had my breakfast my creativity faded. As did my energy. On busy days I’d forget to eat and realized I could stay in a good cadence of creativity and flow when I wasn’t tied down with a full stomach. I’m not starving myself by any means I just don’t believe we are meant to eat as much as we were told to. My food intake for the most part before dinner now is mostly fruit, nuts and soft boiled eggs. My stomach stays light as does my thinking. My mind stays agile. Dinner? I’m not picky. I try to keep it somewhat clean but I’ll still put some shitty things in my stomach to feel like I’m enjoying the dangerous zest of processed foods. I still eat potato chips from time to time and keep me away from sweets I’ll eat em all. I don’t care to eat 1.2 grams of protein per lb of my body weight or whatever the spec is anymore. I probably ingest 60-70 grams of protein a day. My body and strength have maintained the same consistency since the days of my obsessed gym years. My own personal opinion is your body is not made to push it to the limits daily or even weekly. You aren’t meant to run 50 miles a week, heave heavy bars of weights over your head. My body is not happy with my old habits and decisions. I’ve spent the last two years stretching and repairing my joints. Lightweights for body movements and flexibility. That’s all I do now. I’m not trying to bench 275 again I’m trying to reach items on the top shelf without screaming in pain. I’ve managed to heal a lot of my body with concentration and intention. I haven’t had carpal tunnel in three years. My knees no longer squeak when I walk. My shoulders are my main issue right now. I’m working on it. When I do workout it’s short sessions of 15 minutes twice a day.

No more long distance anything. It’s not necessary. Am I losing endurance? Not really. I gauge my endurance by my hiking stride. I still hike at the same speed, climb the same grades without pause. If anything I’m more flexible and my knees aren’t cringing on the downhills anymore. I could run 5 miles right now if I had to. I would hate myself the next day though.

It’s my weekend. So far I’ve done everything that I’ve intended to do. My belly is full of coffee, sun is cresting while the moon fades. I’ll go on my 4 mile walk while I keep my mind clear.

My other morning routine is a little parasitic cleanse. It’s an unpleasant thing to think about but our bodies are full of them. They cause stomach issues, inflammation, brain fog, illnesses and all other sorts of fun shit. I used to have bloating issues all the time. I take some activated charcoal first thing in the morning and a little later chase it with a mixture of wormwood, black walnut, soursop and cloves. I do this for two weeks and then take a week off.

We all have parasites. Don’t believe me? Try a parasitic cleanse and see what comes out. You got pets? Yeah you have parasites in you. Are you scratching yourself yet while reading this?

I’ll also chew on some apricot seeds. They taste terrible. Haritaki powder with my water too. I’m one of those people now. I don’t care.

I’m not telling you that you should do this. I’m not here to sell you anything. All I’m saying is my mind is sharper than it’s ever been or has in years. Yes cutting alcohol out helps too.

I needed to write today and this is what came out. Time to walk and live my life. Toodles

No scrolling yesterday for the most part. I caught myself at traffic lights looking down at my phone checking for IG messages for work. When I wouldn’t see any I’d start scrolling my little dopamine pics and reels almost subconsciously and then I’d stop. Putting my phone down gave me better focus at work obviously and I needed it since the health department came in to visit me yesterday morning right when I opened. I love the whole “2026 is going to be my year!” and in walks the health inspector while I have $500 in stock that just arrived all over my counters. I have no issue whatsoever with my inspector. She’s professional and friendly. We got an A. Of course we got an A. I did find out that I can’t have my multi vitamins on my prep table. 2 point demerit for being healthy.

Perspective- if she had come in last week while I was wrestling with 40 boxes it might’ve gone down differently. I’m getting too old for this stuff says Chad everyday.

Where was I? Oh yes scrolling or the act of not.

When I got home from work my phone battery was at 70%. It’s usually 20%. I allocate a little TikTok after 7pm. My fam and I share reels with each other to watch. And then I went offline again and sat with my eyes closed with my headphones and vest. It’s like a calm theme park ride.

It felt good to disassociate from the world for the day. Day one down. Facebook is the one that gets to me the most. Even IG I can ignore most of the propaganda but Facebook feeds off of it. I don’t need to say more.

I had considered camping this weekend but I’m still in work flow and since I have a half dozen projects planned I’m tackling while I have focus. I’m not ready for a reset yet I’m taking advantage of my momentum. I’m hyper aware of not going overboard this time it’s actually been refreshing to allow my creativity to take over for a bit. It’s a bit chilly in the mountains and all of my gear is in winter stow mode. Utah and AZ have been calling my soul again.

It’ll be a minute before I do another long trip.

It’s Saturday, I have one charcuterie box scheduled for the day and that’s ok. I came real close to burn out last month. Again

I’ve got a charcuterie menu sitting in about 12 pieces on my kitchen floor. Sounds about right.

Wife asked me what my new year changes were this year and I told her I was sort of making up as I go. I’ve got a few that revolve around my mental clutter. They are all somewhat connected.

Hobbies? More photography. Not phone screenshots they’ll go down dramatically with my social media scrolling. I’ve got a camera on my mind. I’ve always enjoyed photography I’ve just never taken it seriously.

I deleted my Facebook app the only access I have is through my messenger. It allows me to go online and post and leave. If you’re commenting I’m not seeing it. Not ignoring.

It’s a me not you thing.

Well some of you. I had quite the friend list for some time. I grew mine to grow my brand for work. Most of the time I’m looking at my feed thinking “who the fuck is this?” I started playing a game of finding random reasons to unfollow people. Squat trucks were the very first. People who share links from unreliable news sources like “The North Korean Patriots for Christ” were next. Yeah I made that up but it wouldn’t surprise me to see this pop up in my feed soon.

All of my high school friends posting AI generated videos. It’s time to bow out gracefully you guys.

Man this little music vest is fun

Sturgill is shaking my couch right now. I’m sorry he’s Johnny Blue Skies now. Listen to Jupiter’s Fairie if you haven’t. My favorite song on the album. We need more Johnny and less news.

I have to say having my little kitty friend sitting next to me while I write is probably one of the favorite parts of my early day. And sturg (Johnny) in my headphones 🎧

Peace and elbow grease.

No social media today. It’s 5:42am I’ve done my morning routine of cold water face rinse (I doubt you’ll ever get me to stick to the plunge thingy), yoga stretch, feet grounding outside and yes the grass is cold. I’ve made my coffee and taken my two first sips. The second is always better than the first.

By this time I’m shuffling medias back and forth, watching reels sent to me, answering messages, judging status updates and finding bits and pieces of the compromised news online. I did the no social media for the most part yesterday although I did scroll for a bit before I got my day started which is probably the worst time to do so.

I am gravitating towards Substack so far it seems to be a little more grounded and I can choose my algorithm to fit my own preferences. I get headaches from the Facebook eye rolling and it’s pretty much been weaponized to distract us and divide. Sure that’s a little over the top but is it really? Also it’s impossible to post even something comedic without inciting or flaring someone’s emotions. I get it there are certain subjects that make me want to thump heads on here but each day I backspace a little more and put my phone down. I refuse to lose my peace over someone online.

My screen time average is about 7-8 hours a day. Thats obviously not all social media my journaling is from my phone, emails, online orders, work messages but I’m willing to bet at least 4 hours of it is senseless droning online and media. Bored at a traffic light? Juggle my apps

In between box orders? Scroll on Facebook

Get home from work, shower, sit on the sofa and my phone is a permanent attachment to my hand for the evening. I’m very self aware of it and it bothers me a lot of the time. TV does nothing for me now if I do watch something it’s a movie or show I’ve seen a dozen times so it’ll play in the background on the big screen while I watch things on the little one in my hand.

Yesterday I spent about an hour on my phone total. Maybe hour and a half.

It was exhausting.

My mind still clung to the dopamine chase. So what did I do? I redid our whole dining room at our home, repainted all the scuffs on the wall at my deli, ordered 16 new bar stools, cut planks for four new tables and did some arts and crafts for a new charcuterie menu. All before 3pm.

I closed the deli yesterday so I could relax.

I will be searching for some less aerobic dopamine kicks today. Writing works, reading does also. I’ve got quite the list of books to read this year.

I got a gaming vest for Christmas. I’m not a gamer in fact the only game system I have is one of those Chinese plug and play systems with 2000 games from the 80’s and 90’s. I’ll play for about 10 minutes before I start getting a headache. The vest is an added bonus to my headphones when I meditate. It’s not always meditation sometimes I’ll sit on the sofa and vibe to music. I’m in my own little happy world. Add the vest with its vibrations and it’s amazing. I highly HIGHLY recommend trying this with a good 120-130 bpm song and eyes covered. It’s amazing. Physical Graffiti- Led Zeppelin with all these attachments will make your whole evening. I found this out last night. While everyone else was watching sports ball I was sitting by a candle floating in outer space with a vibrating bra.

Life lately

Led Zeppelin is the greatest band of all time. Are they my favorite band? No but that doesn’t change the fact that they are the elite of the elite.

They are a tad difficult to listen to while you’re writing though

*changes playlist

Paul’s Boutique it is

My cat likes the vest. She thinks her big dumb friend is purring. I kinda am to be honest. I feel good this morning. I haven’t read 4000 ridiculous opinions of others today. This may become a good trend.

Is it necessary to become emotionally attached to news all around the world?

Back to work today although I spent 5 hours at the deli it didn’t feel like it. I’m still in holiday mode I’m physically and emotionally attached to the deli it’s been my home for the last two months.

I closed down my chadcuterie account for the most part. It’s still up and will be for some time. I’ve got quite the gallery collection on there and I still have to reckon with orders from that platform until everyone evolves to online ordering. That may take months to a year. I’m tired of the commitment to posting. I may change my mind. I do it quite often. Wife handles Grazeland posts so I don’t have to deal with it.

I’m rambling a bit

With this vest, goggles and headphones I look like some sort of post apocalyptic steamer punk boomer. Like some version of Rutger Hauer in Blade Runner VI. Or an extra from Mad Max.

Add Eric B and Rakim to the best of the vest vibes. Don’t sweat the technic. My coffee is vibrating. Not sure if that’s the vest or the caffeine..

Peace and elbow grease

This may be a long one then again I might be able to shore it up quickly.

Today marks 4 years without a hangover, blackout, being drunk, vodka, Jameson, fireball, tequila etc.

My mouth has not touched a vodka and cranberry since 2021.

I haven’t woken up with regrettable thoughts

Headaches

Dehydrated

Confused

Depressed

4 years

The first year I was on a thin walking wire with blinders on.

Second year it got a little easier for me and man telling myself in 2023 that I made it the whole year was quite a boast for me. It energized me to stay the course. After two years I had to use a calculator to add up the days of my feat.

The third year I knew as long as I stayed on my feet, committed that my third year would be a breeze.

And it was

Year four was almost an afterthought. I can say this because I my thoughts no longer struggle with alcohol.

My last hangover would be 4 years ago today. It was a doozy and I made it one on purpose because something inside of me told me it would be for the last time so you better “enjoy” it while you can.

4 years

48 months

1460 days

Hell I haven’t even tried cranberry juice by itself. Doubt I will.

There’s liquor in my house. I’m fine with it. The only time I’ll touch the bottle is if I’m cleaning off the top of the place where it sits. I made peace with it. Actually I’ve made peace with a lot of things over the last 4 years.

Myself being the most important.

No more mental wars. No more self destruction. Man I was a master with that one. There were two sides of me fighting with each other. The raging maniac who wanted to conquer the world and the other guy who only wanted to be still. To do the right thing.

4 years, the still one walked out of the rubble of my mind alone.

Fierce

Strong

Wise

Healed

The conquerer slowly faded with my clout hungry ego. He conquered alright. He consumed me for most of my adult life.

He’s gone. We withered away with my addictions.

I don’t think I’m healing anymore. I’m growing. You never stop growing when you take the ceiling away. I’m not sure when I went from healing to augmenting. Hell it could be right now when i acknowledge it. Maybe 2026 is focusing on extending.

No more healing

No more reckoning I (he) ended that 6 months ago. I stayed latched to that for a bit. Like a pacifier to keep me from stepping out of my comfort zone. The still guy bested that reckoning. I owe it all to him.

I’m grounded for the first time in my life.

Level

I’ve changed over the last 4 years.

Evolved

Alcohol was my comfort zone for all my adult life. It was the only way I could socialize. I still struggle with socializing not because I need alcohol but because you do. Every function seems to revolve around alcohol.

But

Every year it seems to be declining. People are beginning to wake up.

4 years

During this period I’ve made advances in my mind, body and soul. I didn’t make a list of things I would fix after I stopped drinking. I simply stopped drinking and a bridge in my mind opened up. Alcohol puts a governor on your brain.

I say this with complete certainty and confidence.

You cannot achieve your best self while clinging to alcohol. You may think you have it under control but even the thought itself suggests otherwise.

The bridge, it didn’t open overnight, shine a beacon of light over a span.

It’s gradual. It’s one step forward without a calendar. It’s a download of resistance and faith. Faith in yourself.

Devotion to yourself.

All alcohol is its liquid distraction from clarity.

Harmony

I no longer hate myself in fact I love being friends with this guy, He’s teaching me something new everyday. I have thoughts that come from him I’ve never experienced before.

Patience

Reserve

Humility in the humblest and kindest of ways

I’ve changed y’all and I feel like it’s only just beginning.

Tune in to yourself. Your mind is an antenna. Nature is your WiFi network. Literally put your feet in the grass and smile at the sun.

Somedays when I’m camping I literally feel like I’m floating.

Alcohol blocks your path

It impairs your body

It slows your mind

It governs your life

You may miss out on a lot of parties but you regain your sovereignty. Sovereignty is the key. When you’re in control life begins to flow.

I observe quite a few of you out there that struggle. I want to shake you and hold your head, look you in the eye and say

You can stop

All you have to do is get through the first day of it. Every morning is the first day. When you’re training for that marathon you don’t walk out of your house with your running shoes on thinking

I have to run 26.2188 miles soon

You’ve already turned yourself off from it.

I never once woke up for the first few months thinking “I’m never drinking again”

Everyday my conversation with myself was “I’m not drinking today”

Tomorrow doesn’t matter only the present does.

You do this every single day until you no longer have to.

You remove or avoid your triggers

I took myself out of the bars. When you stop your drinking friends will release you from their grips. They’ll fade away.

Your circle doesn’t shrink it tightens.

My advice? Journal your thoughts, accomplishments. Meditate. It changed my life. This isn’t me trying to be an influencer. I’m trying to encourage you to save your life. I’ve lost more friends and family to drugs and alcohol than I have to cancer and illness. I’ve got a few more on their way out because of it.

I’m not preaching just bringing awareness.

Alcohol consumption will poison you. Change your chemistry. Limit your growth.

Once it’s gone your life goes 8k, Dolby surround sound folks.

I’m not selling books.

I walked up to my bathroom mirror this morning. I don’t say “I’m not drinking today” anymore. It’s no longer necessary. I looked in it and said “four years my friend” and man I started crying. It was an amazing release.

That’s something else putting the bottle down will do to you. Your emotions will be pulled from you. All the unreleased trauma comes spilling out.

Let it all go man. Woman.

It’s January 1, 2026. I personally think this year will be amazing. One for the books. I’ve committed to some new challenges and changes this year. I feel it will define my future a little more. I’m changing my past, present and the future will follow suit as intended.

Stillness is my friend.

4 years.

Done.