Bearded Gang

2021 will always be labeled as a not so fun year for me. I’ve never paid attention to the amount of alcohol I’ve consumed per year but I’d probably put that year as the top for empty vodka bottles. I was a mess. In my head any significance of a professional future was gone. I was making some charcuterie boxes from my home and melting my brains while building out a trailer for hotdogs at Birds Fly South. I got hot enough to toss my cookies inside the trailer and a week later some asshat would bust out my windows and my sad ass sat outside and cried for a good half hour. I lost money trying to sell hotdogs. One day we’d sell 50 and then sell 6 the weekend. My little charcuterie menu at Birds had tanked. As Greenville often does the first week announcement of my collaboration with Birds was met with enthusiasm and fizzled out quickly. When things don’t go my way the only person I put the blame on is me and he was getting alot of blaming that year.

I’m my biggest critic.

And then some.

My home was being torn down by my self destruction.

I’ve burned a lot of that summer out of my head. I don’t like to revisit some of the things that passed through my mind.

Struggle is a ruthless bitch.

Depression is her best friend.

Humility is painful but necessary.

I had reached my teetering point. They say you can find salvation when you hit this point.

I can’t tell you much about this day 6 years ago. I can’t recall much of the first 7 months of 2021 to be honest.

But I know this day very well.

I’m drawn to this day.

Someone inside of me had a long walk and talk with me. There’s no significance to this date other than someone else decided to start talking to me that day.

The guy that told me I’d stop drinking soon. Oh man we fought that day. I laughed my ass off that jive ass turkey.

“Stop drinking? Do you see where my mind is right now? I’m still drunk from the night before”

The other guy- “You’ll know when it’s time to stop”

“Doubtful. I no longer have any intention of slowing down anymore”

“Soon”

Me – “fuck off”

Other – “once you stop your life will change”

“Bet”

And then nothing.

Me- “yeah that’s what I thought”

That voice went away for awhile

But

He left a little light on in my head.

It pissed me off. I didn’t ask for this constant light to shine in the back of my mind.

Shine on you crazy diamond by Floyd is playing in my headphones.

The little lamp stayed in the back of my mind. It would make me think things like

Slow things down Chad

Be quiet

Let the quiet speak to you

So I said fuck it. And I shut up talking to myself for a bit.

My birthday rolled around and that little light said “this is the last one” and I took that to mean I’d probably be dead before my next one but it only meant it was my last drunken birthday celebration.

I know this day like it’s my birthday. No I didn’t wake up and blow out a candle. I didn’t look at my calendar yesterday and think “tomorrow is the big day”

I woke up, made some coffee and stretched my feet on my coffee table.

And

The light in my head -“good morning”

Me- “it was today wasn’t it.”

Light – *smiles

Me- “hey friend, I never had a chance to say thank you. So thanks and big hugs. Never thought I’d be able to do this”

Light – “told you”

I’d posted a quote on this day 6 years ago. I don’t remember posting it which is no surprise during that era but I read it for the first time in 6 years this morning after my conversation with my little friend.

Life has an amazing way of reconnecting when you’re healing.

“invent yourself and then reinvent yourself,
don’t swim in the same slough.

invent yourself and then reinvent yourself
and
stay out of the clutches of mediocrity.

invent yourself and then reinvent yourself,
change your tone and shape so often that they can
never
categorize you.

reinvigorate yourself and
accept what is
but only on the terms that you have invented
and reinvented.

be self-taught.

and reinvent your life because you must;
it is your life and
its history
and the present
belong only to
you.”

• Bukowski

I bought a cover up in my trip to Hawaii a few years ago and never wore it once. Yes I’m talking about the same kind of cover up them women folk wear to the beach to cover their bodies when transferring from hotel -> beach and back to the hotel. I took this thing with me on a camping trip a few weeks ago, showered in the woods and threw this over me to well, cover up after my shower. I sat under my awning on a hot spring afternoon and ended up wearing it up until bedtime. Ok that’s a lie. I slept in it. It’s just a multi striped, towel ish, toga ish blanket thing you throw over your head with a hoodie, draw string and pockets. The pockets have openings for easy access to everything under the cover up if you got an itch to scratch or god knows what I don’t kink shame but I’ve gotten attached to this thing. It’s amazing once you get over the Flintstone aesthetic. I feel like I’m hanging out in Bedrock with Fred and Barney. Speaking of hanging out I don’t recommend wearing this around strangers without some sort of support underneath. Especially in the humid months.

Use your imagination.

Regardless I highly recommend one. Suck up your shyness toward the ridiculous and get one. Just remember to close your legs when you sit down. I’m currently wearing mine.

I drove down the mountains after spending the night next to a creek in Brevard with house plants on my mind. I’m in my 50’s so for the last couple of years I’ve started cruising the plant section of the local home improvement stores with the intention of adding some organic, leafy love in my household. I got home after my camping trip and lasted an hour on the sofa before I left my home to start my quest for plants. I knew Costco had some on one of their aisles so I fought the afternoon madness and bought one of each. I chose a big palmy one, two skinny ones, a bushy one and a spiky one. As I was buying the plants I decided my rug at home wouldn’t match the plants so I bought another rug. A big shag one because I like soft things between my toes. Like synthetic grass without the surprise of bugs crawling up your feet. Im a child of the 70s I will always be drawn to shag

But

Fuck linoleum

And dark mustard colors

As I was rug shopping I realized our lighting situation was lacking. I hate overhead lights they’re distracting and blinding. This house we reside in has around 46 to each room. I could do brain surgery in any room in this house with the flick of 10 switches. I spend half my morning trying to line up all the light switches into the same position or pinpointing the location of a random light fixture that won’t turn off.

So I bought mood lighting. That’s where I am now in life. As I was buying multiple mood lighting lamps I found a needle point framed art with a sunrise on it and just had to have it. Along with some picture frames. After four hours of shopping, rearranging half the downstairs and drilling 48 holes in the walls to hang things including this amazing sewn picture of the sun, I decided that a really big hanging plant would tie the entire room together. I left for a nursery down the road and bought a big leafy one. Drilled a hanger on the wall and hung her up.

When I finished up my side quests I sat on my sofa with a big fat smile on my face for the rest of the evening admiring the new aesthetics of my living room.

I am my mother’s child. We used to do this in the summer months at our home in Piedmont. My mom would get up one morning and say “Hey Pumpkin, we are going to move a bedroom into the living room. And I’d be like “um ok” and away we’d go.

And it would look good. My stepfather would come home after long hauling to California and back and trip over the newly repositioned bed 3 feet from the front door when he’d get home.

I sat in my living room enjoying my mood lighting, the shadows of my newly acquired plants and I stared at the all the photos I’d just hung of our daughter.

Big

Fat

Smile

Sunday, I sat all day in a Brevard creek. I ate a burger with fries from a local food truck and dozed off under my awning in Pisgah while it drizzled.

Sunday I rested

Monday I created

Balance

I was reading an old memory of mine on FB this morning from 2019. A raucous day of my kitchen crashing and burning at Habitap. 45 minute ticket times, crisis management and mental bruises. Somedays I feel like I was in a long lucid dream of chaos.

It’s 6:38am, I’m sitting on my sofa with crooked smile on my face. I have no doubt after that day at Habitap I tied one on like there’s no tomorrow. I don’t even keep up with my non drunken odometer anymore. It doesn’t define me.

But

It’s been a long while.

I wonder if I can wear my cover up flinstone onesie at work today?

Have you ever sat still with your eyes closed and visualized the ultimate you? Do you know what I mean? Creating your ideal self into the final boss in your life. You 2.0 or maybe 3.0, it’s your creation to be whatever you like.

It’s your world hombre

The best of you may be a better dresser

A better athlete

A better career or financially stable or free

Maybe your ideal you is just you being free from something you can’t do without. Or someone

Maybe you’re already there but you feel the need to yearn for something new each time you level up. Maybe that’s the ideal you? The person who no longer yearns.

We all are reaching for something just out of touch. Maybe not all the time but we all have that dangling carrot in our peripheral. For some it’s bigger than it is for others.

In short, we want to be that person that can reach the carrot.

Me? I’m a little on the opposite side. I’ve been trying to cut the carrot out of my sight. I’m not ignoring the existence of this dangling root veggie 🥕 I know it’s there it’s been blocking a clear horizon my entire adult life. Like a spec on the lens of your eyeglasses.

Weird metaphor using the carrot. The whole purpose of the dangling veg is to keep you moving forward without ever tasting the reward right in front of you. Like an ass with blinders on, we focus on that carrot on step in front of the other.

For years I thought my ultimate self was the one who would catch that carrot.

I was trying to speed up the ass to catch the elusive carrot.

But

The carrot cannot be caught.

Its like trying to touch the horizon

Hugging the wind

Peeing while sneezing

It’s symbolism of chase. It’s not fleeing from you. It stays just close enough to taunt. Poke you when you aren’t looking. Itching the small of your back.

Respectfully

Fuck

That

Carrot

Respectfully of course. I needed to follow that carrot to realize that I was the one who put it there in the first place.

“Hey slick, why did you put that little dangler of a veggie on a string and hang it just out of reach?”

“I needed a compass of direction for my future”

“Where do you want to go?”

“Wherever the carrot directs me”

“All the carrot is doing is blocking your view”

It took me 50 years to clip that string.

*carrot falls to the ground

*horizon comes into focus

And I just sat still as tears filled my eyes

That’s when I saw my ultimate self.

The person I want to be.

The person I’m meant to be.

He’s not dressed in gold. He’s not 2% body fat, living in a mansion, 100,000 media followers or any of that impressed upon collectives

He’s smiling

He’s filled with enlightened discernment

Coherence

He moves slower with deliberation

Less distortion

Inner peace

His carrot is a sunrise. Not because it’s out of reach. He’s not reaching anymore, just witnessing.

In the present. Clarity

When I saw that person for the first time that’s when my reckoning ended and a new life began.

Several years of quiet assimilation to reach that point. It’s not a snap of the fingers it’s a devotion of time and humility.

That person has existed my entire life. I had to cut the carrot down to find him.

Now he’s waving at me.

Gotta go say hi.

Peace

I’m not writing a cookbook. Gotta be honest I probably never will write one even though my daughter’s purchase of a notebook for me to write down my recipes is what encouraged me to start writing. I rarely follow recipes anymore at this point in my career I can wing just about anything I’m cooking unless it’s baking which I try to avoid.

Not offering some of my favorite recipe cards although I’ll share any recipe I have with anyone I don’t gate keep anything knowledge should be shared with others.

This could still be considered a cookbook but it’s more about how we are made. Not referencing the activities from our parents that brought us into our existence I think we can all agree it’s something we don’t want to think about.

How we were made into the mold that fits us now. Our embodiment of bloodlines, trauma, environment, childhood memories that created what sits on our plate. Our own life recipe or dish.

Our life seasonings

Procedures

Measurements

Restrictions

Instructions

All of our recipes are unique in their own way. Some of us the recipe can be simple while others are complex, exact measurements. Volatile compounds that must be added just at the right time or the dish is ruined in our minds.

Genetics and childhood build the mold. Genetics are the first steps towards your recipe card build. Basic ingredients of your bloodline. It may impact the size of your dish or the personality/theme of your desired product. It may be cultural or ethnic that starts the process of creating your dish. Added spices to uphold the tradition and add specific look or texture. Some dishes demand a specific aesthetic that brings out an important flavor or element. A hand me down recipe that’s been kept in the family.

Childhood trauma and experiences extend into the procedures of how the dish is prepared. Some dishes may be easier to prep for while others need a little more preparation and attention. Some of us can braise in a sous vide and be left alone for hours while others are poached for a brief time and delicately place onto a spot to rest. Our childhood can toughen us up or it can make us tender. Some of us have to stew a little longer before we are ready.

You may be able to heat quickly in a boiling pot and come out fine. Same procedures different temperatures.

Some of us have to whipped into a new shape or substance while others only need spreading. Encouraging

We are newer dishes, figuring out when we are supposed to be served, what table we belong, the china we sit upon. Some it may be fine while others are served on paper plates.

Our recipes all evolve over time. We may have started off as a box of dried macaroni and moved up to a béchamel with hand cut pasta. Some prefer to stay with the box. Simplicity and consistency. It’s just a preference.

As we progress with our recipes over time we start developing a palate for new flavors and spices. This is where we tend to experiment and hone the dish or perhaps change it completely. Some may want an accompaniment. Their dish is missing something. An added necessity that finally completes the dish. Two peas in a pod. You may have been a little salty and needed some sweetness for that savory flavor you’ve been trying to achieve and you found it. You may have traveled abroad to implement a little more culturally relevant taste. You may have changed your dietary habits and want to completely change your diet and started over with a new dish and approach.

Some of us get lost for a bit and just order take out. Life moved a little too fast to enjoy cooking. Your recipes are forgotten for a while. You let someone else prepare your dish and you start to lose some flavor, zest and consistency. You no longer take the time to prep. You skip important ingredients and create shortcuts, your dish becomes stagnant or bland and so have your tastebuds.

You lose the passion to cook for a little bit. Some of us may lose that important accompaniment that was vital to our plate. Or we no longer have side dishes to keep the table warm. Some start to get too salty but we’ve been cooking the same dish for so long we stopped taking the time to taste it before it’s served.

Over time, many of us forget to taste the dish before sending it through the pass. We become so focused on preparing a life that we forget to experience it. Life loses its zest when we stop pausing long enough to taste what we’ve made.

I speak from first hand experience.

I’ve spent the last few years working on my old dish. Ironically after tossing all my old recipes out the window.

Man I was salty and tough to the bone. Burnt on the edges while still raw on the inside. Added a new flavor profile recently and changed quite a few procedures.

My dish got better when I slowed down to learn how to taste again.

As small business owners we all try to sell tickets to our shows.

Our little shop show.

Our daily or weekly social media posts for the engagement. We use our phones to take thousands of videos and pictures of our product, story, background, specials, features and storefronts to sell tickets to pay our bills.

I’ve always called it a show because we have to put one on to stay relevant.

For our business. When that lifelong dream finally lands. It’s like reeling in that big catch that keeps falling back into the sea.

“I got it!”

*fish slips from your hands and back into the water

“FUCK”

We wake up, head filled with the tasks of putting on a new show, a new episode to bring out the eagerness of engagement. Gotta get my show in your head for 15-20 seconds and then

MAYBE

You’ll come see me

Or whatever Gary Vaynerchuk said. I used to like Gary. He’s tiresome to me now. Nothing against him whatsoever except for his shoes he produced wtf was that but this isn’t about grinding down Gary. Just the show we are both affiliated with.

Sorry Gary no offense

Back to the show

Somedays you sell out while most days you’re peddling discounted tickets on street corners. You get antsy when you don’t sell tickets so you feel the need to change your content up. More videos of the show.

Let’s change it up with some comedy.

We need more props

Let’s bring in some guest speakers to sell tickets (influencers)

Longer episodes

Double features

Let me throw in $20 of advertising so more people will have access to my shows

We need a better camera

The lighting must be wrong

Did I hashtag the right thing?

Post the show now while everyone is sitting on their sofa after dinner. Wait?? Post it before breakfast while their stomachs are growling,

We go into work early some days so we can set the stage. A one person production crew. Somedays you are excited about the next upcoming episode. This will be a good one! Hours spent on production and editing.

“Go! We are live!”

Two likes 👍🏼

Oof

Tomorrow will be better.

We always say that after a slow show

You have to

I watch other shows all the time. I try to engage and show up all the time. I always support other shows even when I’m tired of watching them. It’s not because of you. I’m hyper aware of the struggle. Business empathy is real and it’s exhausting for me.

I know the excitement and anticipation that comes when people start their own shows. Your dreams online for all to see. Some sell out a lot of shows and goddamn it I’m here for it. Others I watch the shows slowly fade as do their story lines.

It’s exhausting. I feel the heartbreak when you shut down. At the same time I can feel the relief too.

Consulting gets to me sometimes. People come to me with exciting ideas for shows and I smile at their enthusiasm. All I want to say to them is never let that enthusiasm go. It’s hard to get it back if it leaves. Most I’ve consulted for have closed or changed names to new people. Unfortunately some reach out to me when the show was over months ago.

I get notifications all the time from my social media accounts “chadcuterie is ready for more engagement with its followers!”

Facebook’s way of saying “where the hell have you been Chad?”

I’ve posted maybe 4 times in the last 3 months on fb for work. IG maybe 12?

Listen

It’s the same shit. All of it. We are all posting the same stuff online and it’s littered with redundant content. Doesn’t matter who you are or what you’re posting. It’s all been done. The riddles for engagement. Asking a question to get engagement. Prodding for product sales.

Reels of local content to sell homes

Professional photos of a $10 sandwich

Staged overhead photos of tables full of plated food, one arm reaching for a utensil while another holds a goblet of fluid

Tiktok trends

AI flyers

I can tell how busy or slow a business is by their content. One obvious way is when they post a half dozen TikTok videos in one day. Others when they change their content completely.

I’m not knocking you at all it’s not like I’ve figured this shit out I just stopped trying to sell tickets. If you haven’t come to my show by now then I’m not on your channel preference. How many charcuterie photos can you post until it becomes diluted? It’s all diluted even my friends business content I see it and scroll on because it’s the same thing every day. I’ll hit that like post and go on with my day. You guys do it too. We all do. If I get 30 likes on an instagram post 50% of them are the same 15 people that like all my posts regardless of content

Listen

I love you guys for it. It’s not a you thing it’s a me thing. The funny part of that 15 people probably 10 of you have never walked in the door of my business.

My show lacks engagement

It lacks because I stopped caring about it. Not my business just the show part.

I’m tired of putting on a show. I used to really enjoy it when I was at Southern. At that time I was told my shows were too engaging, over the top.

But

It sold tickets

I don’t have that pep anymore. I’d rather show you a sunrise or a moutain top. That’s not a show. It’s reality. My own little reality.

Graze still posts as it should unfortunately I can’t completely quit the show. My wife does the posts for Graze. I’m part of the audience now.

It’s weird when you look at thousands of charcuterie board pics with indifference. It’s all been done son. Hell even Hollywood can’t come up with original content anymore it’s all sequels or remakes.

Just like social media.

I’m fine y’all. My business isn’t bad or dying. I get in my feels when local businesses close on a daily basis. When their show comes to an end because I know how hard it is to wake up and audition

Every

Single

Day

Greenville has been and always will be a new show city. They go where the marquee shines the brightest. They’ll go and take pics of themselves in your show, they bring all their friends along. Sing the praises of your production until a new show comes out. Then it’s time to buy a new outfit and watch the new show.

Again

Again

And again

All the while the ticket prices keep going up. Higher ticket prices mean less shows the people can afford to see.

They may skip the double feature now. No time for matinees. Or they’ll skip the popcorn so you gotta cut the popcorn guy loose because popcorn sales dropped. Then you lose some more ticket sales because some only came for the popcorn 🍿.

Sounds depressing doesn’t it? That’s just the small business life out here sometimes.

Not the depression part the realism.

I adjusted to this situation years ago. I tweaked every possible problem to survive. I saw the writing on the wall. Doesn’t make me smarter than some just more weathered.

The show can be frustrating.

Ticket slumps

I’ve walked away from most of that show. Not because I don’t believe in it but because my heart has changed. Stepped out from behind the curtain, bowed and walked away.

“I’m gonna rent myself a house
In the shade of the freeway
Gonna pack my lunch in the morning
And go to work each day

And when the evening rolls around
I’ll go on home and lay my body down
And when the morning light comes streaming in
I’ll get up and do it again
Amen“

Changed up my camping route Sunday and drove towards Canton, NC. I hand picked some coordinates after AI gave me some dispersed camping spots for that area. My AI suggestions and I didn’t see eye to eye on the locations and facilities. My gps sent me to a “campground” that hugged a sports center off of 215 outside of Canton. I was seeking a little more solitude and shade for the night so I kept driving up 215. My navigation was of no use up there, I had no internet so I was driving somewhat blind. NC 215 isn’t in the middle of nowhere but it drives right through it. I did find a few pull offs with fire rings but I didn’t care for the location. Even if I were pulling off just to rest for a few hours I’m not a fan of these spots. I don’t care to be seen by passerby’s and I don’t like backing into a spot I can get blocked in by another vehicle. If I don’t feel at ease immediately when I stop I find another location. I finally pulled onto a gravel road that I had been on before. Most of these roads in Pisgah you have to pull off 1000 feet to camp unless a spot is deeded as a site. Found a couple but couldn’t report my position to my family without net and I had zero. My WiFi works when it wants to in these areas and she took the day off yesterday. I continued down the gravel trail until I began to see familiar landmarks. Half an hour later I’m driving by Looking Glass Rock and let out a whispering “fuck off” because I’d spent 2.5 hours in my truck to arrive at a point that’s 1.5 hours away from my home. I’m very familiar with bottom of Pisgah I knew I had driven around my elbow to get to my ass just to pull up in Brevard. I had a few words with myself while I contemplated driving back home. Davidson Campground is closed until September and there are only a handful of spots I prefer in Brevard. I took a chance on the small road by the stables and found an easy pull in by the creek. Hung my hammock to stake my plot and drove into town to update my coordinates with my fam. Wife was a little frazzled from my few hours of disappearance but it all worked out.

Spent my early afternoon with my feet in the creek, no phone, no book, no phone and no internet. My tv screen was short horizon of the weaving creek bed. I kept my camping set up small. I had my awning open to cover my set up table but that was it. It rained for about two hours. Just a calm drizzle that forced me inside my camper where I sat up, legs crossed, staring out my windows.

Avett Brothers are on my headphones. Untitled #4-

“and I finally learn what I need to know

I am happier with nothing

And I’m always home”

Simple synchronicities for the soul.

I spent my day doing absolutely nothing. My mind wasn’t in the meditative mood probably due to the nitro coffee I had late in the morning. I only sat in stillness for most of the early afternoon. 5:30 I left camp in search of a burger. I had two large bundles of fire wood I left unscathed. No cooking today I rode the wave of zero stimulation until I left my camp for food. Picked up a food truck burger and drove straight back to my camp. Ate my fries one by one on my tailgate while listening to the creek. When was the last time you ate a meal in complete silence? No conversations, no tv or phone? I have found some immense pleasure in these moments. I probably said three sentences aloud all day. Coffee order and burger order. “Side of fries” would’ve been my third. On long trips I can go days without outwardly speaking. All evening I sat on my tailgate staring into my own little window of life.

You go your own way after a while. Your mind wanders where it should when you turn off the noise. Not immediately and not all the time. It’s not any different than training a dog to sit. It takes patience and practice. You wouldn’t think that sitting still and doing nothing would take practice.

But

It does for most of us. I don’t mean lounging with good book or show.

Sitting still

That’s it.

Once the distractions are slowly dissolving, the news announcements every two inches on your scrolling, the scores, the beefs, the jerking of the chains.. your mind goes into auto mode.

It goes back inside of you.

That’s where everything is.

It’s where you find yourself

Your overthinking settles down. Your thoughts are still there but they don’t knock as loud. Eventually you’re only zoned in on the water babbling over the rocks. There’s nothing new age or mystical here stillness brings awareness. Awareness breeds content.

Some inner questions get their answers when you’re still.

Your peace can rise.

I sat on my tailgate until it was time to close the gate and go to bed.

My day didn’t go the way I had intended and yet it did. I just went with the flow. That’s a big step for me. A little over a year ago I most likely would have driven home frustrated.

Rode the flow. On my inner inner tube.

See what I did there?

Cheers

I’ll go back and read some of my journal entries from the past from time to time. Usually in my FB memories I enjoy reading to see what was on my mind during the annual reminders.

My writing style

My voice

My words

My mood

I threw my last chef coat into the trash last year on this day. Sort of like a shedding of my last coat of arms to the service industry. If anything it was symbolic. Fairly certain I was home alone for the weekend as I am now. This is usually the time frame my family is off to see other family members in the gulf. I don’t mind the quiet time at home. Not that long ago I would’ve raged downtown or at one of my bars until 2am. Driven home with one drunken eye open with a bag of Taco Bell or Jack in the box in my passenger seat. I’d wake up full of shame and hate for drinking so much the night before. I’d be prepping brunch with a mimosa loaded with red bull and a smidge of vodka at 9am to shake the jitters off of me. Probably wearing the chef coat I’d thrown in the trash a year ago today.

The ritualistic approach of dismissal was meant to be a little over the top. I wanted it to mean something to me.

Me- “that guy is gone, that ship has sailed, get him as fucking far away from me as you can”

The guy in the chef coat.

I’m removed. From all of it. I rarely go out to eat anymore because a part of me buzzes with the industry as soon as I walk in the door. I watch the show because I was in it. I thought I was the star and maybe for a brief time I was. I loved the notoriety. The ego fed off of it.

If I do go out to eat I try to dissociate myself from it. In my head I never finished climbing the ladder I was always a few rungs away. I’m not afraid to admit I get a little jaded when I see others be successful in this business. “What did they do that I didn’t?” I’m not harping on any individual or group specifically it’s just a general jab at the industry. If it’s my friends I’m the first one to shake a pom- pom for them. More than I do for my own business.

There will always be the what if?

What if I had 8 restaurants now?

What if Southern stayed as the only one?

What if the band had stayed together? Let’s be honest the energy never recovered once everyone started to split.

Chad would you trade it all in for notoriety and success? Would 10 restaurants do it for you?

Best restaurant in the upstate?

Best chef? I put the plaques in a box in storage along with the others.

Big montebello home or N main.

Magazine articles

Maybe a fancy James Beard award or a rubber tire star?

10 years ago that’s what I wanted. I was ready to sacrifice everything for it

Everything

And I did

And I still missed the mark

I used to get so angry thinking about how I lost it all.

Bitter. The bitterness stuck around much longer. Hell it still crops up on a bad day. Like that last mosquito bite in mid fall. “Oh you’re still around you little sonofabitch?”

*squash

I’ll hit 6 years away from the restaurant business soon. Deli isn’t a restaurant. Theres no bar, no staff except for one and he’s more of a friend than employee.

6 years.

I’ve been in a constant vortex of evolution since then. Being pulled towards my center. Plucking away old habits. Good and bad. Even the good ones need some refreshments.

People say “write a book Chad”

I am.

Everyday. Writing a new me. When I’m done then maybe, a book, another story. I’m waiting for mine to level out some more. I’ve written a few hundred thousand words in the last two years.

Releasing

Examining

Reorganizing

My dissertation

Working on my masters degree in Chad studies

I’m almost there man. I can smell something coming over the horizon.

Attraction

Connection

I could write a book on just the last 6 years of my life. That’s when I started listening.

Remembering who I was before I started believing everyone else’s definition of who I should be.

That’s what it’s all about folks.

Being locked out of your own self for so long

Somedays 6 years seems like an entire lifetime ago because it has been so deliberate. Articulate, I suppose because I’ve been documenting it daily. A blueprint of change. An architectural cocoon.

Alchemy of mental lead to gold. When was the last time I referred to being depressed? Well over a year.

I’m not selling books to anyone or a self help course.

I’m working towards who I’m suppose to be is all. Nothing more.

The last 6 years have been amazingly hard.

I paired these two words together on purpose.

It’s been fucking hard

But

It’s been fucking amazing.

The struggle complements the payoff.

You can’t have strength without weakness. One can’t exist without the other.

Each year I smile just a little more.

Peace.

Being the consummate Gen xer here I got to experience some amazing movies, songs and experiences growing up in the 80s. My teens were filled with hours of M-TV music videos, iconic movies and books that shaped my childhood. I had a hard time in my teens but I still remember the good times being surrounded by iconic 80’s experiences. As far as movies go, Back to the Future will always be one of my favs as a young teenager that got bullied quite often, I loved watching MJ Fox get the best of Biff and his little posse of flat top haircuts. Michael J Fox will always be one of my favorite actors ever. His characters in movies and shows were always relatable to me at the right time.

I saw Back to the Future in the theater. I was 13 years of age and my hormone faucet was about to be turned on full blast for the next several years. In the movie Marty Mcfly, aside from his time traveling adventures, has a dream truck that he fantasizes about to take his high school sweetheart camping and adventuring with during the weekends.

It is of course a Toyota Tacoma. Marty yearns for it, he dreams about it. He, at the moment drove a skateboard.

If you’ve seen the movie Marty has quite an adventure going back in time to fix things without destroying his own life in the future but as time would have it he tweaked his future trajectory a tad and changed his childhood life and probably his adult one too by shaking up his family’s future.

Spoiler alert from 40 years ago (holy shit that hurt) Marty butterflied that effect, changed a few trajectories and when he came back to 1984 he found out that dream truck was already his.

I remember when I saw that truck on that giant movie theater screen my eyes lit up.

PING

PING I SAY

I remember thinking “man I fucking want that truck”. My mouth has always been a colorful one in fact I curse less now than I did at 13. Spend 5 minutes in a kitchen with me and you’ll know how bad it must’ve been

Back to the Tacoma. As I look back at what was going through my mind, I said the wrong thing at that time.

It wasn’t “I want that truck” it was

“I know that truck”

I knew that truck.

Recognition before understanding

You ever met someone for the first time and feel like you’ve known them your whole life?

Maybe you’re remembering.

Walk into a place you’ve never been before and think “this looks or feels familiar” or maybe an attachment to a new song.

I have gained some new perspectives on life recently. A unique camping experience last year rewired my mind and how I see things. I stopped seeing my future and past the way I used too. Without going off on another tangent worthy of 2000 more words in this journal entry I’ll be brief. You can change your past and future through perspective and understanding your reality. It’s not magic it’s science and I’m not smart enough at the moment to not destroy the theory through paraphrasing.

So I’m gonna skip some introductions I’m too deep to back up and explain where I am.

Life’s a giant story book. You’re the author.

Ever think you’ve already experienced your life? Book has been written, movie has already been directed and filmed. If you’re into the whole 5D thing time doesn’t really exist the start and finish is all around you. Sorta. You’re just reading or watching it from front to back even though it’s already happened. The chapters rewrite themselves as you make decisions based on your environment and experiences. It’s interactive like a video game. You don’t control the world but you can navigate through it. It how I perceive it – the mountain is still there, you still have to climb it but there are thousands of trails you can take to cross over.

*sighs

This is more difficult for me to explain than I thought.

Back to the Tacoma

I wanted the truck because I already knew the truck. Not just any Tacoma hell you’ll see 50 Tacomas on the road today if you’re driving to work on any given day. I’ve owned about 6 I believe I’m not going to pause to count I’ve had a few. The first time I tried to finance one my credit was shit from my DUI in the 90s when I had lost my job and fell behind on my bills. That pooped on my Tacoma party for about 5 years. I bought my first one around 2000 and shuffled through a few. I was a wrangler guy most of my life I like the top down life when I was younger. I’d go jeep- truck- jeep- truck for almost 20 years.

The truck didn’t become an archetype until my late 40s.

Archetype of

Freedom

Adventure

Exploration

Rebirth

My 13 year old mind wasn’t ready to understand that this archetype had already formed. It wasn’t really about the truck.. not yet. Trajectories had to happed first.

Experiences

Trauma

Misdirections

Understanding and navigating orientations

It wasn’t the truck. Well yes it was the truck

But

My mind pinged on that truck at 13 and I thought for the longest time that it was because it’s a just a cool ass vehicle. Toyota makes good reliable cars. I dig the body style but I’m no car guy. As I mentioned before I was a jeep guy. I’ve owned more jeeps than Tacomas. Each time I traded in my truck for a jeep I could hear my soul sigh.

“He’s not ready yet”

Me “what?”

“Oh nothing”

I didn’t start to get it until 2019 when I bought my truck before this one. I had owned my wrangler for almost 6 years. It had been quite the 6 years of volatility like something was trying to shake me out of that jeep like a salt shaker. Not because of what vehicle I was driving but because I was getting close to a big milestone in my life. I remember telling my wife “I’m trading in my jeep. This is the last one I’ll ever own. I intend on getting another Tacoma with a camper top on it, I want to start camping in my truck. I might’ve been drunk at the time I don’t remember but I do recall putting my phone down in my lap and announcing that out loud. Sometimes I wonder if it was really me or a kickstart of the real author of my book saying “it’s time for your life to change” because by golly it did right after it.

The author- “I’ve seen how this book ends, if you don’t write a new chapter now you never will”

Back in 1985 I saw that truck and thought man that’s a cool truck.

No I didn’t

Back in 1985 I witnessed my future.

“Hey there little guy. You may not know this yet but that truck you’re smiling at will become an archetype of what your mantra will be 40 years from now.”

Here’s your ping

*ping

I knew it but I didn’t yet know it. I didn’t until about a week ago while sitting on my tailgate. A little plop of spot that I’ve had many a revelations.

I loved the truck when I saw it because I knew what it represented not because it was shiny and new.

A trail marker of my soul. It’s not the truck folks. It is but it isn’t. I’m not heralding Toyota. I’m retracing the trajectories, the changes of orientation, the missteps that brought me here. The author of my book knew the importance of the representation of the truck.

It’s not the truck itself it’s the archetypal meaning

The freedom

Solitude

Adventure

Peace of mind

Slowing my life down

Finding my path.

I’d get close to my mantra and then pull away. Be it life’s consumption of careers and universal circumstances or soaking my brain in alcohol I’d sniff around the meaning and move on.

Once again let me say I’m not putting a pickup truck on a pedestal. The truck is just a truck there’s nothing extraordinary about it. It’s the roll it plays in my life.

It could be just a matter of random circumstances and coincidences that led me to this particular lifestyle. Or it could be an echo of emotions that took me several decades to tie it together.

I’m not big on coincidences. All the truck did was wink at me and say “see you on the other side” because that’s where I am now. I’m on the receiving side of that echo.

You don’t see certain things until you do. You aren’t meant to get some things until you’re ready. My 25 year old self would not understand where I am right now. My 35, 40, 45 years wouldn’t either. A story board needed to be built and completed. This truck and its mantra had to be timed and primed.

And here we are.

The dawn of realization comes when you let things go.

Not just the control of your life but the things that drag you in the current. For me it was obviously the bottle. Life changed when I did. That’s the only way your life will change is when you allow it to.

A movie about going back to the future. Just a coincidence..

It took me back to mine. I’ve grown more sitting on the back of my truck than I ever did sitting at a desk at school or standing at a prep table.

A ping that echoed for 40 years to find me.

A reunion of remembrance.

Trail marker.

I’ve remembered that truck for a long time.

Peace.

I built this camper in my mind years ago.

I created its existence within my reality.

I’m not a witch doctor or a miracle worker. I don’t dabble in magic although my spiritual beliefs are waaaay further out there than most which is why I’m coming into this convo all mystical stuff sounding. It is quite mystical but also very logical on how I created it.

You go where your energy directs you. Your energy goes toward what you focus on. Theres nothing profound with what I just wrote. I am convinced that you get what you want if you believe in it and focus enough your energy into it.

I fell in love with camping while sleeping out of the back of my truck. I felt the most free when I was traveling, pulling over in random spots and pull offs and sitting on my tailgate with whatever I could carry with me. When I’m reminiscing I’m always looking back to my tailgate memories more than my trailer I pulled or big tent on my truck.

The tailgate always fit me better, Even when I built that bus my mind kept saying “that’s a cute bus Chad but it ain’t you. That bus refused to go along with my dreams so I sold it. I got my money back and a little then some. The bus money bought the trailer and the tent which I had bought for an incredible deal on marketplace. I always bargain hunt for my camping gear. Some I’ve paid a ridiculous amount for because it was exactly what I wanted, other stuff I got discounted because I check the REI returns twice a week for deals. I sold my trailer, tent and camper top within two weeks of each other in October/ November. That’s a lot of big gear to sell that quickly. I had to go on fb to ask for help taking all of my gear off that’s how quickly it sold. I also forgot to mention I bought my truck’s last camper top with the extra money I made selling my hotdog trailer.

I added this to my story because there’s some folk out there that think I came from money which is the most laughable thing I’ve ever heard. This story isn’t about my poor childhood I’m only mentioning this because it adds good truth juice to the whole -if you focus your energy towards something hard enough you can get it. My comforts are a little simple at the moment. My only point is I don’t go out and buy whatever I want. I earn the shit out of what I purchase and I do it the long haul way. I don’t possess a credit card and I don’t like revolving credit accounts. I do have a truck payment and that’s it. Yes I also currently rent a home because I want my daughter to stay in her school district and I’m just not that hyped on Greenville anymore. Home purchase will come in time when I focus my energy on it.

I remember overhearing someone mention that I come from a family of doctors and I laughed until I cried. There must be another Chad out there I don’t know about. I may carry myself as someone who doesn’t have a financial care in the world because if you act broke you’ll always be broke.

Your energy goes towards what you focus on.

Back to my manifestations. That’s what this camper is it’s a manifestation of my energy and focus. I built it in my mind over time. Found its likeness online a little over a year ago and told myself “that’s it. That’s exactly what I’ve been looking for the entire time.”

Sold my other setup in two weeks. Went online and saw at the same exact time this company was having a Black Friday sale on the same model I wanted. A substantial sale. I went online, put a deposit down and mailed them a check. I went camperless for 5 months. Got my camper the week of my Utah trip in April and I’ve probably spent 25 days of camping in it as of yesterday.

I was meant to have this camper. It’s not as deep as that may sound. I found what I’ve been searching for. I created its existence into my life. I didn’t build it, my algorithms found it for me. My algorithms being apart of my reality that I’ve curated over time with my focus and energy. All I did was pull it towards me.

I created this lifestyle with my energy and focus. Was it my passion too? Of course but that’s all passion is. Something you really enjoy doing (energy) and how often you think about it (focus).

If you want something bad enough you’ll focus on it and use your energy to make it happen. It’s that simple. The hard part is believing you’ll receive it. There’s a law of attraction involved here but it doesn’t need to be established here.

Focus

Energy

Belief

Some believe manifestation is some mystical new age BS that you if you wish for something hard enough it’ll come to you. I’d say it’s close but it’s the full belief system that makes it work. Some or most call it prayer. I firmly believe “prayer” works if enough energy is applied.

If you sit at home praying for a new job there’s a good chance you won’t find it sitting at home with your hands together 🙏🏼. If you’re focusing your energy into a specific position or goal and going through the process of changing your life and reality to make it work then you’re heading in the right direction of your prayers and goals.

Belief- is the seasoning to your focus and energy. If you’re applying your energy into something that you don’t believe will work then why do it? And that’s what you’re telling yourself in the back of your mind.

“But Chad I want to win the lottery. So all I have to do is believe?”

Maybe?

How much do you really believe in yourself that you would win something that’s a 1 in a 292.2 million chance of winning?

“Never tell me the odds” – H Solo.

He knew what that meant. “Don’t tell me I don’t have a chance or I won’t believe we can beat the evil empire.”

The deli was no different. I manifested its existence with the thought of a concept in my head and I built it. We probably had about $2000 in our bank account when I split with Southern. At that time my focus was keeping the mortgage paid and food on the table.

For two years I focused my energy into building a deli.

I didn’t do it all with a smile on my face. I cried while working in a 20 sq ft kitchen with humility. I was still a drunk. Moving from kitchen to home and back when it got too hot to work in the brewery during the summer. When the cheese started melting in box it was time to move my work home. I bring this up to prove you don’t need mindless positivity to create your work or dreams. Sometimes using your pissed off energy is just as good.

Pissed off = energy and I put that focus on getting the fuck out of revolving ghost kitchens. As much as I was feeling sorry for myself I used it to climb out.

That’s not a motivational speech. I change my energy from

“why does this keep happening to me?”

To

“I refuse to let it end this way”

My focus honed in on getting out instead of why I was there.

I built my deli with cash. The cash I made while wanting to pull my hair out but I stayed focus and put my energy into it.

Struggle should be utilized as energy. Without struggle you’ll never know how bad you really want something. Need something. Because man did I fucking struggle. Every time I walk into that deli in the morning I smile because I know how much I went through just to get there. It’s the same with my camper to be honest.

I thank my mother daily on her hardheadedness that she passed down to me. It does have its advantages.

I watch a lot of fb friends that I’ve never met before struggling because their belief system is installed and they don’t know how to get out.

Attraction

Your thoughts attract what you’re thinking about. Redundant as fuck I know but think about it it’s that simple

If you think about struggling all the time you’re going to in fact struggle

All

The

Time

Never say “why does this keep happening to me?”

You’re in control of your reality not the other way around. You’re the main character.

I say this because I used to always focus on failure not success. I always knew how to get there but never knew how to maintain it. Because I didn’t believe I deserved it. I was raised around failure. I thought it was a part of my life.

Listen I’m writing this out to get it out because I’m just now figuring it out. I’m sure I lost y’all a while back.

I sat in my camper Sunday for quite some time it was a rest day and as I was looking around I started smiling.

I built this from manifestation. The reality not the camper. Someone else built the camper just for me. Literally. Years of focus and energy put me in that exact camper in the exact spot on the mountain that I wanted to spend my weekend.

I fucking did that and that’s a hearty perspective to have and share.

When I take photos of where I camp or my little adventures I’ve already taken them in my head before I leave my house. I bring the manifestation to life through my camera lens. I visualize where I’m going and when I take that pic it’s like a “hell yeah brother your energy and focus made this happen”

Hell yeah indeed.

Yesterday wasn’t the best of days. It started with some volatility and evolved into a full day of edginess. I dodged many a smiles from my face yesterday and went to bed at about 50% recovered. I like to be around 90% before bed on a days like these but sometimes the vibe sticks like glue. It’s a new day today, a reset. That’s how I approach my moods now. Not too long ago this fickle fuck funk would stick with me for a while.

Not an end of the world situation, not even close in fact in the grand scheme of things it shouldn’t even be ranked.

But

It would stick to my head for some time and I’d let it accumulate.

New day

New vibes

Better Chad

My face gets tight, shoulders taught. I get so high strung that I twang when I walk. If you were one of the handful of people who came in the deli you could feel it as soon as you walked in. I’m the first face everyone sees at the deli. Two women turned and walked out. I don’t think it had anything to do with my energy broadcast but it wouldn’t have surprised me.

I also didn’t wake up with a hangover. Sometimes I feel like that’s how my mood accumulated over the my old bad days. Hangovers were the reminders and remnants of yesterday’s mood. Since I was hungover for about 4 years in a row I think you get it.

I got it

Turns the page

Corner

New day

I had a bad day. The days previous to that day were amazing.

Today will be amazing and the next few that follow will not disappoint.

I no longer allow the bad ones to accumulate

It’s always work man. It always is

I flattened that flunk before it could get fat. Fuck it

I’m better than I used to be. It’s like rebuilding an old car that needed a lot of work and attention. You know how old cars can be. You get the rusted holes repaired, shiny new paint job, you’ve taken the engine completely apart piece by piece and put it back together again. Upgrade the downgrades, check under the hood one more time and take it out for a drive. You forgot to install a new thermostat and your radiator overheats and blows 3 miles down the road. You got that car looking good, sounding amazing and brand new tires to kick

But

It’s still an old car. There will always be an older part you’ll need to replace or shore up. The other fix would be to go buy a brand new car and well, that’s just not an option for me. I’m a curated 71’ Pinto. I wanted to be a Camaro or maybe a 2 door Bronco.

I’m still running better than I used to. That’s what it’s all about. Tried to fight the current yesterday and almost drowned but still no old Chad was found.

*wipes brow

Beach Boys – Good Vibrations playing in my headphones 🎧

Noted

Those vibes are allowed to accumulate. Like fun magnets on your fridge.

I’ll be perched on a mountain soon. In my element. Weather be damned.

Toodles ☮️