Bearded Gang

This anniversary is a newish one to me.

It turns 5 today. I’m not hyper aware of it like it used to be. I don’t harp on it like I did. Man did I used think about this day every single day for months and even years. It turned up in my social media memories when I reached back to 2020 and my mind did a quick “oh yeah that was today”. I’m currently reflecting back on it as I write this. When I’m done I’ll go back and look at what I’ve written about it in the past and how it compares to now. I’ll graph the changes in my head and if there is anything left to put to rest or discard I’ll do it then. I do this often when I’m writing about substantial events. It allows me to make peace with myself piece by piece. I’ve said this a hundred times, journaling is therapy. Sharing it is even more valuable for me.

I split with my old company today. Approximately 4:15-4:30 Monday September 29th, 2020 I’d sign away 8 years of work and partnership after a brief and heated conversation with my partner. Our partnership wasn’t working out and I made sure I did my best to push it over the edge. I’ve done this in past relationships with others. Once I’ve seen the writing on the wall you can rest assured that I will poke the bear in the room until it roars.

I signed some papers, shook hands after some bitter talk and drove home to let my wife know her 49 year old husband was officially unemployed. It wasn’t a fun conversation. My wife had just lost her job with my company three months before.

I’m not writing this out to attack my old company. That energy is extinguished. It was never really intended in the first place I feel like somethings were said at the wrong time, emotions fueled and rumors were misrepresented. Both sides. There aren’t sides to be had anymore. I’ve made my peace and the ones that mattered have done the same. As I said when my old partner passed last year my outlook was shaken and I made it a point to never speak ill about my old company again.

And I haven’t. While there still remains a small handful of folk who I won’t be having dinner with anytime soon, I’ve closed that chapter and reached out to the ones that mattered to me.

I spent the first two months of my unscheduled freedom drunk on my sofa. I did take a little siesta out to Colorado for some soul searching. It was beneficial but I stayed drunk the whole time I was gone.

I’d walk around my yard blowing leaves around for weeks. Trying to keep my sanity. It had already left the room months ago.

I’ve told this story a dozen times. I survived. It took a minute to get back on my feet but I did.

1825 days.

No grills, no fryers, hoods, schedules, inventory counts, brunch meltdowns, no shows, financial meetings, P&Ls.

1825 days

Healing, coping, recovery, sobriety, learning to love again.

I was forced to reckon with myself. Took a year away from the system that I loved to realize it was the key to my self destruction.

In three months time we’d sell our toxic family home. We lost so much equity in that house but we had to leave. We needed a new start in our relationship, everything tied to Southern had to go.

We downsized to a tiny 2 bedroom house that we currently rent.

And then I put the bottle down.

Life got better then. Our marriage improved because I needed to improve. Chadcuterie was able to pay the bills while also giving me some freedom to live. Southern could never do that. We were always a paycheck away from being broke. 4 car repos in one year back in 2016. What a time to be alive.

It was part of being in that system. The only system I knew. Controlled chaos was my mantra for years. YEARS. The system will own you. The only way to break free is to leave it all behind. And that’s what I did. Step by step. I had offers to partner up and do it all over again but my intuition said no. Every waking moment while I was working out of that little kitchen at Birds my mind was screaming “YOUR BETTER THAN THIS” but my intuition said otherwise. I needed to be humbled to know what I was looking for. To understand what I was missing.

Throwing solo fits in that little corner of the brewery. Crying when I knew no one was watching. I was exactly where I needed to be even though my pride tried to reject it.

Humility

Hard pill to swallow

I grew up. 50 years it took me. Still taking me but I’m much MUCH better now. Still learning to not be an asshat at times.

I was forced out of the system that I had built. Man I was angry. Now I want to shake his hand again and thank him for saving my life.

My real life.

Man I like this guy so much better and my fam will tell you the same. I’m about to have a coffee date with my daughter this morning. I’m gonna fiddle with my camping gear ( a hobby formed after my release). When I look in the mirror I see a completely different person. I always smile at him because Goddamit he’s earned that smile.

Anyhoo

The last 5 years have been quite the journey. The pursuit of happiness has a trail y’all. You won’t find it looking for it. Don’t think you’ll stumble across it either. It’ll find you if you allow it to. Just gotta slow things down until it does.

Hustling is waaaaay overrated. It comes with the cost of sacrifice. Sacrificing your life to make life better.

What a fucking paradox.

Today I’ll have breakfast with my daughter and I’ll smile the whole time because I’ve gotten to watch her grow up the last 5 years instead of having to plug holes in dams. I’ll have my second coffee when the wife wakes up and we get to chat in our little home about things that aren’t work. I may read a book or just sit in silence for a few hours. I no longer try to take over the world. You can have it.

My cat is resting beside me. If I could purr along with it I would. In a way I suppose I am.

Life can throw some ridiculous shit at you sometimes. When it seems like it’s the end of the world that’s when things start to turn.

Don’t fight it. Ride it out. Let your soul do the rest.

That’s all I got. ☮️

I buried a squirrel in my front yard yesterday. Something got ahold of it and wounded it beyond saving. I saw it lying in my driveway and it appeared dead but once I inspected it still had some life in it. It was suffering and dying. I use the means necessary to put it out of its misery and gave it a proper burial. I drive past probably a dozen dead squirrels a day on my commute to work. North main is full of them. This one got to me a little bit.

I’d say I’ve softened up over time. I made a pact about 8 months ago that I would no longer hurt anything anymore. Deliberately that is. All this means is bugs get taxied out of my home on dust pans, I allow spiders to spider, if some little varmint gets in my home I re home it in my neighbor’s yard.

Just kidding

Barely

All creatures have souls and should be treated as such.

Moving on.

One year ago today I’d be waking up at 3am to listen to transformers explode, trees falling and wind trying to blow my roof off my house. Sitting in the eye of a category 5 hurricane when you’re 200 plus miles off of the coast is a wild experience. I’m not telling yall anything you didn’t discover on your own reconnaissance that week. It was insane.

Still is. I often wonder how many of you who didn’t prepare for the catastrophe last time and decided to double up for next go round? I did. I was a little more prepared than most but I wrote down every little detail I overlooked and immediately started stocking up on missed necessities.

I’m no doomsday prepper but I can become one really quick if I have to. The only thing keeping me from having Mylar bags filled with dry goods sealed in buckets is my home is too small to hold it all. I have Mylar bags if needed.

And buckets

I’ve got my setup capacity to take my family 600 miles with food, filtered water and shelter. I can reach Kansas, Texas, Ohio, Maryland without having to stop.

Bought a lifesaver Jerry can that can filter up to 5000 gallons of water. Worst case scenario I can drive to a river for fresh water. I bought two just to be safe. I get a kick out of people who label preppers as paranoid. I don’t prepare for a nuclear war or a even a civil one. My responsibility as a father and husband is to ensure the safety and security of my family. Regardless of situation. If you think the government has that covered let me take you on some walks around a few towns in NC a year later after Helene.

I actually enjoy my little survival skills sidework. It’s a hobby. Some people collect comic books, antiques. I collect gear that will save my ass when the shit hits the fan. I like camping shit. I like gun shit. Pretty soon I’m going to like bow and arrow shit. I could build a lean-to if I had to. I can build a fire in the pouring rain.

I said it last year and I’ll say it again.

If it happened before it’ll happen again. Don’t wait until it’s too late again.

One week without power I watched people getting into confrontations over ice and gas. Lines wrapped around buildings to get propane.

Generators

Chainsaws

Imagine a month cut off from supplies. A month with no clean water. It was 85° and sunny all week.

What if it was 95°?

25°?

I spend a week without luxuries for fun. That week was not a fun one. Not because we suffered. Our biggest discomfort was no AC and no tv to watch. It was the not knowing when things would return to normal.

That freaks people the fuck out. Watching the general population’s body language while they sought out necessities during a time of crisis kept me on my toes.

Buy a couple of extra cans of gas. Not at the last minute. Keep it on hand. Not in the trunk of your Kia for gods sake.

Buy some extra canned food, bulk beans and rice. Powdered things, dehydrated things.

Salt. Lots of it

Water filters. And learn how to filter your own. Not just boil it. Filter it. YouTube is your friend.

Want to die quick? Run out of water. Nature will do the rest. This isn’t a scare tactic it’s common sense. I read somewhere in a national power grid shutdown up to 90% of the population could dissolve in one year.

90%

Ninetyyyyyyyy percent

Write that down.

I’m not saying the power grid will go down but when the government publishes numbers like these it means they’ve done their homework for a reason. Because it’s possible. And with our government?

Probable.

A small decent rechargeable battery and solar panel. $700 jackery at Costco right now. Expensive? Not when you need power. A generator is a must too. Honda makes the best and lightest.

Find your water source y’all.

Back up your pantry. That’s all I’m saying and for fuck sake leave the toilet paper alone. It’s not a necessity. The last thing I think about packing when I go on long camping trips is toilet paper. I won’t break camp for shit wipes. But I’ve left to go find water.

This anniversary is on my mind. It’s like the where were you when the towers fell but only this time I could hear them fall in my backyard. And it killed more people although you’ll never hear it spoken. It’s true. A drive through WNC in October of last year would tell you all you need to know.

Government ain’t here to save you folks. Country is a whole lot easier to manage with less people to feed and maintain. It’s simple economics. If there are handouts available be prepared to stand in line. And watch that line crumble when stock runs out.

No thanks.

Stay prepared.

Peace.

I get in my feels around this time of year about my other child Southern Culture. It opened up on this week back in ‘12. It was 13 years ago but for some reason time doesn’t move the same for me like it used to.

I dissociated with the company in 2020 same calendar month. It’s been five years since I stepped foot in my old kitchen. I spent a little over 8 years there. I put my key in that front door locking mechanism more than anyone to this day. Some days I feel like I just left the restaurant. Like I’m still wearing my faded black Carhartt pants and chef coat. I can remember opening day like it was last month.

The 8 years feels like 20. I obsessed over the feeling of owning my own restaurant for over 6 years before it opened and later I would stew bitterly about my departure. The passing of my old partner and friend Jim last year jolted me back to reality.

I made peace with that bitterness. I caught a lot of shit from Jim about my drinking and the personal recklessness it brought to my personal life. I didn’t want to hear anything about it. It comes with the business I always told him. To survive in this industry you have to embrace the chaos. Control it so it doesn’t break you.

Nah it still gets you. You get so caught up in the process/system that you know longer recognize the trauma getting sown into your soul. I was a gung-ho restaurant employee. I was a soldier in the trenches for years, high level management for a spell and then owner/chef for a decade.

It turned me into a raging maniac. I used to get angry when I reflected that way. Now I’m smirking at my phone.

My expression reflects my peace. That’s a good thing.

I have to grab myself by the mental collar when I think things like “if I opened up one more spot it would be Southern Culture again”. The love is there just not the energy or passion.

Once I realized my life has been chapters of lessons and growth I’m able to reflect rather than to stew.

Like an old relationship with your soulmate that didn’t work out the way you planned.

I’ve been in the new spot a few times it’s still southern to me. It always will be.

I used to stand on that line during brunch and watch all of customers filling the tables and bar and think to myself “you built this”

I also would stand behind the line on a Thursday night with 6 tables in the dining room at 7:00 pm and think the same exact thing.

It was quite a seesaw.

That part I still have head issues with when I feel the same feeling cropping up on a slow deli day. The business always comes back around but I’ve put padlocks on a lot of doors over the years.

I’m still trying to make peace with the head games.

Baby steps

At least I don’t have hangovers in my way.

I had a text the other day that read “my dad would be proud of you” and it got in my feels. As I was building Graze he was in the back of my mind the whole time. “Hey I took your advice and it’s working for me. Look what I’ve done with it”

Oof I’m so much more emotional now than I used to be.

The maniac is waning. He has waned away for the most part.

You were a good man Jim our convos would be a lot different now. You didn’t want me to be “Bam Bam” I get it.

I haven’t written in a while in all honesty I haven’t had much to write about recently. That’s not a negative thing I usually write to release. My energy is on autopilot. I’m not stagnant I’m only still.

Meditation is amazing

Still smirking 🫡

She would be 13 this week. I could sit down and write the entire menu with my eyes closed.

I reflect now with ease. I’ve done my fit pitches and my sad eulogy.

This is an entirely different goodbye. I do these rituals of passage now for certain eras of my life. I write them out and once I’ve acknowledged them for what they are, what they were I close the chapter.

All this means is this is my last time I’m going to write about it. Last time I give it attention on paper and in my mind. I’ve gotten quite good at this I’ve filed away around 15 years of another era of mine recently.

I’ve closed the file on some old childhood traumas, old relationships not because I still yearned for them but because over the years they’ve attached themselves to my character and personality. Writing helps

Trauma release and seal the deal. Acknowledge the scar and move on.

Reflection should be as such. You change the perspective and the reflection goes along for the ride. Your reflection is how you see yourself. You and only you. When you change that perspective it becomes your new history.

You can literally rewrite your entire life story with changing your perspective.

That’s a powerful tool my man.

Southern is no longer a “what if” for me.

When I reflect on it now it’s a little novella of my life that I got to experience and share with some amazing people.

That’s all and that’s a good all yall.

My shoulders feel lighter already.

I’ve managed to release another decade of weight from my body. My morning walk will reflect.

Cheers. Life’s beautiful y’all.

Have you ever written out your experiences in the future?

Yes exactly that.

Wake up in the morning and write out what you’re going to do and how it’s going to go down.

Not just the itinerary but how it’s going to feel. How your body will engage through the emotions and activities.

Scripting out your day from your heart would be a great way to describe it.

I’m going camping in 2 hours ish. I’m taking an old buddy of mine of 35 years. Same one who traveled to Utah with me this past spring. We spent 9 days on the road together so we’ve acclimated as friends for traveling and spending down time together so I know it’s good chemistry. We haven’t even discussed where we are going I’m sure he’s left it in my hands which shows trust that he’s in good hands to wherever I decide. Or hell he might pull up and tell me about a spot he’s always wanted to check out and we’ll go there.

Truly a “dude” moment.

If it’s up to me I’m taking him to my little zen area up in the Linville hills. We’ll find a well shaded spot at the top, set up camp and have some fun fella chats. The weather is supposed to be beautiful so I’m inclined to show him my favorite sunset spot and sunrise seat. He put himself in charge of dinner so it’ll be ribeyes, grilled corn and watermelon for this evening’s course.

If he’s up for it we’ll take a short downhill hike to Babel Tower so he can see the river cut through the gorge or maybe hike up to Hawksbill to see the horizon. If it’s the lake he craves I’ll tie my paddle boards on top and we can float around Lake James for a bit. Old school talks around a solid campfire in the evening, the mountains are going to get a little chilly once the sun drops.

These are the little moments I live for.

No distractions

No net

No problems

Good conversations in nature’s living room.

Breakfast I’ll make some coffee and probably fry up some eggs and bacon. Hell I might even toast something.

Breaking bread in God’s country

It’s going to be a good 24 hours regardless. I’ll own this moment with a smile.

I’ve been writing but not posting lately.

I’ve been in and out of Facebook the last few weeks. I’ll pop in and check some work stuff, check my profile and ghost. I don’t put much attention on the notifications if it’s not necessary and go about my business.

It’s refreshing. I have a handful of people on here that I enjoy keeping up with so deletion of the app is not quite there yet but at least I’m not scrolling anymore.

It also gives me idle brain time which is precious to me. I like to sit in stillness and silence. One of the many benefits of camping. Took a little break up in Glenville lake area Sunday night. Paddled around the lake, meditated on top of my truck and read a few pages from two books. Later that evening I dabbled in a little psilocybin on a full blood red moon eclipse. This moon, if you’re into that type of thing, is a moment of release. This would be my second and probably last little trip of the year. I enjoy my sleep and when you take mushrooms there won’t be much to sleep about. They can be exhausting. One your brain is releasing serotonin like rapid fire. If you’re sitting still you’ll become aware of yawning every 30 seconds. Your breathing isn’t regulated. No you won’t die by any means but you get caught up in the moment and forget to breathe normal. Don’t worry your body will let you know when it’s happening.

I did a healthy dosage probably more than necessary but I’ve always been a go big or go home guy. Did my thing, took a walk around the campground and watched the lake waves vibrate while the sun settled over the horizon. Walked along an extremely green trail that runs along the lake and touched some trees. Once I got back into camp I stared into the campfire coals and talked to the spirit of a dragon. Smoke came out from its eyes and nostrils while we conversed. We had a chat about some things that I’ll keep to myself.

If I told you what we talked about you’d think I was crazy. Do I really believe in dragons? Can’t say how much I do but the conversation was interesting.

Climbed back up in my tent to settle in for the night and let the mushrooms stew. And they did. It took about 6 hours to come down. Psilocybin is amazing but it’s exhausting when you do a healthy dosage. It lingered a little longer than I anticipated. Have you ever seen Young Guns where they do peyote? I was a combination of all four as far as the experience goes. I didn’t quite hit Dermot Mulrony chasing the giant chicken around but I was close. It made for an interesting night.

First 2 hours? Solid 10/10. The next 4 not so much. A full blood moon is nothing to be trifled with. I kept zipping up my windows so I could get some sleep. The moon lit up my whole tent. Each time I zipped them up the moon made me unzip them back down. We did this 4 or 5 times before I gave up. My brain took me around the matrix for a bit and that’s enough chat about that little trip.

I’ll probably skip the next blood moon. I’m fine. I’ll be interested in the upcoming downloads should they come. I already feel a bit sideways.

Your mind can go for a wild ride on this vibe.

Watched a movie last night. Just your typical drone of an action movie where the hero kills 100 people to save one. Halfway through my brain sort of said “what are we doing here bud?” It never changes. Movies don’t try anymore and it looks like this guy doesn’t resonate with mass casualty stories anymore. It’s all around me in real life and here I am watching it to dissociate from real life.

I think I’m done with these things. Done with a lot of things lately. Maybe the moon is pushing me to release. Maybe it worked.

I have coffee dates with my daughter once a week. We go to Starbucks (it’s right by our house). She has her little breakfast sandwich and I have my coffee and take in the moment with a big fat smile on my face. I’ll never take these situations for granted. Today is that day.

Life is beautiful. I’ll stew on these as an old fella doubt I’ll be thinking about charcuterie boards.

Family and fire pits make me smile.

I’m gonna squeeze as many of these vibes as I can while I can.

Peace and elbow grease.

I’m a people watcher. I enjoy observing humans in their surroundings.

How they behave when they think no one is watching

How they react to situations

Mannerisms, body language, posture etc

I’ve done this all my life without even realizing it. No I don’t stare at random strangers or peek into windows I only observe from afar in public places like I’m currently doing now at a campground outside of Leland, Michigan.

Which is beautiful by the way

My current fixation is on my campground neighbors. Not just the folk who reside on both sides of my truck tonight, I also do rounds around the grounds to see how other campers click.

The majority of camp participants after the summer season are empty nesters who took some retirement funds and bought fifth wheels, RVs, buses or lower budgeteers with masses of pop up tents with adding screened rooms and privacy pools pop ups. I tour with these types of folks by proxy either on my road trips or weekend adventures. I’m sort of the fly on the wall. I don’t quite fit in with the others I’m a tad younger but not by much as every year passes. I don’t try to mingle but will converse with my neighbors if they are the chatty types.

My truck set up always gets a few rubber necks who stop by for a tour and well I love my setup so I’m always happy to oblige. I doubt I’ll ever own a giant pull behind trailer or camper it’s just not my thing. A Sprinter van? Yeah I can be talked into that. Or a decent sized camper on my truck which is my next ideal upgrade. I love my camper set up and my trailer

But

There are days, especially windy, rainy ones that a firm roof over my head and a soft bed seem more cozy to my standards. I’m no longer trying prove things to myself or get into a pissing contest with my ego on how self sufficient I can be or exercise my bushcraft skills which are mostly acquired from reading about lean to’s as opposed to actually implementing them into my camping. In a sense of brevity, my camping has gotten a tad softer. My first real truck camping trip was to Maine and I just slept out of the back of my truck. I had a cooler, duffel, head lamp, futon mattress and pillows. An old Coleman stove that only had one temp level of “boiled to shit” but I loved it. The downside on rainy days I’d spend half my day horizontal in a ARE camper top cavernous tomb. I have a touch of healthy claustrophobia. It was minimal and simple. Made it easy to be nomadic wherever I went. I love my RTT and awning but often times I always feel like I bring too much shit with me but it’s like the old saying goes “it’s better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it”

I also enjoy cooking when I camp. It’s one of the few activities that brings my old passion back out of me. I’d thoroughly enjoy making a overlanding cookbook implementing local ingredients from areas I travel along with last minute gas station groceries that I’m always buying. Bought a great Dometic fridge on marketplace last month and was excited to give it a try on the road. Ice coolers are awesome for cold beverages nothing beats them with those ice chips rolling down your elbows from a cold beer or soda you just pulled out of your cooler. On the perspective it’s nice not draining water out of those “water tight” ziplock bags and your favorite cheese flavor is discolored and raw cut of beef is water logged.

No thanks.

One particular oversight, I had planned to use my 110v/400w AC outlet to charge my ecoflow battery that I hook my fridge up to. Little did I know that the outlet only works when the truck is in park. In my first full day on the road I had to find a campsite with power to recharge my battery. No big deal but it changes my logistics. You can get almost three days worth of charge btw with the fridge. I foresee a solar panel in my future for my battery so I don’t have to depend on full hookups. I was off grid in the upper peninsula of Michigan for two days so I kept one eye on my battery charger keeping my fridge with $105 worth of groceries in it. It did its job. I griddled a bacon cheeseburger with onions my first night, made some steak and eggs for breakfast the next morning and enjoyed a hot bowl of ramen with chicken under my awning as a cool rain drizzled for most of the night.

After this last trip I have decided that parking lot camping has reached its end. I never feel in any danger when I camp. I camp around apex predators in the middle of nowhere so I’m prepared for most surprises. Obviously I never want to be in a situation where I have to explain to a judge why I put a hole in someone. If I choose to pull over for the night my go to is Cracker Barrel. Most of their lots are well maintained and in decent areas. I’ll still stop at the nearby gas station to see what sort of local riff raff I have to contend with. If I don’t get the wrong vibe I’ll pull behind the CB and roll my little mattress out in the back of my truck, grab a lightweight blanket and shut myself in for the night. I try to get 4-6 hours of sleep on a good night. It was 81° in Kentucky that night. Starbucks spot light shining in my eye and I was cuddling up with a lot of uncomfortable pointy gear. I “slept” for about 3 hours. Got back in my truck at 3am and kept my compass north. I grabbed a venti of petroleum at a Starbucks before Cincinnati. Also had no idea Cincinnati basically sits on Kentucky’s doorstep. I don’t go up that way very often. As I was popping all of my joints into place my brain was asking “what are we doing here man? It’s time we cut out the parking lot shit. Your family would sleep better knowing that you aren’t sleeping in parking lots”

Fine

And I agree. Fuck parking lot camping. No I’ve never been messed with, never pulled a gun but I did pull an axe on some kid that was walking around my truck in Texas one night. I don’t know what his intentions were but I think I changed them. I don’t travel in a state of fear just awareness.

Michigan was a gem. My first stop was Traverse City and I’ll be damned if it wasn’t 90° when I pulled up and humid at 1pm.

I said “fuck this” and pulled back to Cadillac where it was less humid and cooler. Hung out with some Michigan locals and their RVs until their beer coolers began to empty out. It was a little surreal watching the festivities without partaking. As I’ve said 100 times before I allow myself one beer for my socializing. I watched my neighbors put down a half dozen or so while I sat under my awning like a fly on the wall. The behavioral changes over the evening, the slurring, volume of their voices. By hour three my neighbor was making out with his wife sporadically while he flipped burgers over his blackstone.

Listen

I’m not judging at all, these people were having the time of their lives and good for them. I smiled while they played. I smiled at their leisure and I smiled thinking of how I used to be a part of this ritual. Watching it from the outside was weird. My ears perked up each time a heard a can erupt. Not in an enticing way. It’s summer, sun was setting, music was playing and beer cans were chirping. These folks were living their best lives. It’s just odd being only a spectator. Also small trigger moment, I’m not used to liquor being sold in grocery stores. I told my wife it was wild to see “my old friends” chilling on a shelf while I pushing my cart of groceries. I can walk into a liquor store with no problems. I expect to see them there. Not a grocery store.

There was no influence, no weekness nothing like that. It was more of a “You don’t belong here. You’re in my way”

I was fine. I was more than fine. To be out of town, my mental gears grinder from driving 1000 miles and the upcoming euphoria of a vacation mixes well with a tall vodka cran. I declined the mental invite and went about my day. I told my wife about it because well, I tell her everything. And I ended it with a “that ship has sailed babe. He’s no longer with us”

I took off for the upper peninsula the next morning and stopped for some coffee in Mackinac village. Drove over the bridge and drove past a dozen ice cream shacks labeled Pasties. Also Michigan has quite the abundance of smoked fish..

I headed up to Pictured Rocks area and took residence by Clear Lake for two days. The lake was a spit away from my site. I spent the evening watching the sunset over the lake with a burger in my hand.

The next day I drove up to a trail head and walked cliffside for about 10 miles and back on the North Country Trail.

Had a little mishap with an unidentified insect that decided to attack the back of my leg about two miles in. I’m allergic to certain insect species not life threatening but it can put a damper in my afternoon. My leg got a nice welt on it later that day but I survived. I dug this hike. It was shaded, green, mossy and quiet. I might’ve passed 4 people the whole time. Took me to a beach head where I sat on an old fallen tree and propped my feet. Rain took over for the rest of my day so I took advantage and read in my tent for a bit before dinner.

I spent two days in the pictured rocks. Paddled a bit and walked the shore line. I never got over how massive the lakes were. It truly felt like walking in the ocean. I got to witness two of the largest lakes in the world in two days. To add I didn’t come across one face without a smile. Even the gruff characters carried their own charm. It’s a different style of living up there than what I’m used to. Greenville has become a little too over the top for me. I can resonate with the simplicity of life up there.

I went back down to Traverse City and spent the day walking around town. Stopped back down in Mackinac village. I wanted to check out the island but it was foggy and windy by the ferry boats. I’d already spent two days in constant drizzle and I wanted to warm up so I left. I needed to dry my feet on some city sidewalks so I went souvenir shopping for my family although I didn’t find what I was looking for. Sat by the lake at a family campground to some Huervos rancheros for dinner. Took a quiet walk at sunset and slept like a champ.

Had a random comment on a Facebook thread asked if I’d been to Leland fish town yet so I looked it up on my navigation and found it to be only 40 minutes away which isn’t much after you’ve driven a 1000 miles in one day so I headed northwest for breakfast.

Leland was amazing. I cycled around the little fish huts by the pier. Had a conversation about sandwiches with a local deli and crunched on a homemade waffle in a bakery across the street. I had intended on leaving for Greenville that day. My wife found a campsite outside of Cedar and also told me I was only about 20 minutes away from Sleeping Bear Dunes and my response was “welp away I go” and I did.

The giant dunes were my favorite. I looked down the mighty one (turn off #9 on the trail map) and quickly made my decision that I wasn’t attempting it. Could I have done it? Yeah I can climb it I just didn’t like the fact that it looked like a cliff from my vantage point and your boy doesn’t do heights very well. There was no wrestling with my confidence it was quick “nah” and I kept driving.

Pictures do not do this place justice

Followed the road up towards Glen Arbor and hiked the dunes to Lake Michigan. I always have a habit of raw dogging hikes I don’t research. I went to go walk up a dune and saw another one. And another one

And then I climbed about 5 more. It’s around a 4 mile hike give or take a step it also depends on how often you walk off trail there’s plenty of short pull offs for overlooks.

It’s a fun hike. It’s an ass kicker too because you’re walking in sand, sometimes ankle deep sand and a lot of times ankle deep uphill sand. Fairly certain this was the route my parents took to school every morning. I enjoyed the heck out of this hike and to be able to do it barefoot was quite the grounding experience. I’d drive up there just to hike it again.

Not anytime soon though..

I grabbed a campsite outside of Cedar and spent the afternoon chatting with some new friends on each side of me. I’d exhausted most of my groceries so I had MRE of jambalaya. The day’s activities put me roosting in my tent at 8pm. I sat with my feet pointing toward the lake with my headphones on and dozed off. I was probably an hour down the road before my neighbors got up for breakfast.

I headed straight home from Dunes to Greenville. 15 hour drive but it took me through the Cumberland Gap parkway for the first time and needless to say I’ve found a new area to explore soon. I’d never been in that particular area and well wow.. if I hadn’t been in such a hurry to get home I would’ve spent another day up there. Cherokee lake area/ Bean station has my attention.

I’d give this trip a solid 7-10. Would’ve been more had the rain not kept me down for a bit it’s no reflection on the beauty of Michigan just my personal experience.

Highly recommend. If you have the time go drive to the “Porkies” I’ll have to go back up there specifically for that next time.

I love these trips I take annually sometimes bi-annually. Listen, they’re tough at times.

My back doesn’t appreciate sleeping in cramped quarters in the back of my truck.

Sometimes my GPS decided to fall asleep and I get turned around

I often times don’t get to see things and places I had intended to visit

Last minute campsites can be hard to find

You can’t control the weather so when your vacation is centered on the outdoors you either get wet or get moving elsewhere. I had my eye on Colorado and or Tetons if Michigan had called for rain all week. Colorado is on fire so that was my deterrent. Tetons? Man I just didn’t have that drive in me. 29 hours one way.

These trips also carry no itineraries. I point at a spot on my navigation and I just go. I don’t plan anything except for the first town that I’ll arrive in and I go with the flow. I’m gambling each time I do these trips. For the most part it turns out fine even remarkable but I’ve had a couple that didn’t turn out so well.

Still better than a day at work.

My vocation has been one always focused on timing, meetings, multitasking, tight schedules and deadlines. I throw all of that out the window when I go on these trips. Often times I change the day I come back or leave it open by a day or two. Lot of driving, lot of dependency on instinct. When it scores it’s amazing.

This one did.

I’ll always do these trips although I intend to make them a little “softer” at times. I don’t have to raw dog everything. Having a companion to drive and experience things along the way helps. If you have the right one. I’ve always had good company when I do. I can be a little hard to be around when things go sour though.

The best part for me that I gain from these little adventures are my memory downloads. I’ll sit still in my own little world and recap these moments and smile. As I’m currently doing now. Since I’ve started doing these I’ve probably spent 4 or 5 months on the road over the last 5 years.

Should’ve started sooner but I think it was meant to happen in this era of my life. You start to understand when you spend time around all these folks that have retired and live out of a motor home and well good for you.

Freedom to live

10/10 will do it again if I haven’t said it already. Some just good ol nice peeps up there. I never saw a frown including in mirrors.

Peace out Michigan.

Two nights ago while I was lying in bed my mind was doing its nightly jog around my brainwaves. Bedtime is one of the best times for me to let my mind go free range for about a half hour or so. I don’t give it any particular task or setting. I put my headphones on, turn on my nightly playlist and let it all go. My mind always moves backward at this time of night.

It’s intentional.

I make it my mission not to think about upcoming events or tasks that need attention before sleepy time. My sleep is always better when I don’t focus on the what ifs or what next projects once I figured out that making plans or conjuring projects right before bedtime was poo poo for my sleeping habits my sleep immediately improved. I also don’t dwell on old toxic memories. Through time, I’ve managed through self hypnosis to focus only on healthy memories or ones that stand out to me in positive way. Like riding a train and only getting off stations that lead to enlightenment and happiness. It works well for me. Sometimes the train will try to drop me off at some of the old places I used to hang out but I’ve gotten pretty good at recognizing the better places to get off the train. I can recall riding a train with an old friend of mine up to DC from Maryland and there were a few stops in between in Baltimore that he would tell me “never get off the train here” referring to some of the not so nice areas that surrounded the station. My brain does the same thing.

“Don’t get off here, this isn’t your stop”

Once I figured out how to ride the train and where to get off the less bad neighborhoods I came across.

As I was riding my mental train that night my mind suggested I remove some old routes. “These stops aren’t necessary anymore.” I had my mind on one specific timeline in my life that I still look back on and as I keep reflecting on it the more I realize it no longer resonates with who I am as a person now.

I have eras in my life that are of no use to me anymore.

Quite a few actually but the process to clean up my hard drive takes some curating.

I decided to try a little something different while I laid in my meditative state. I wanted to remove a large chunk of memory data from my brain. Not erase the data I don’t think that’s possible without a lobotomy or a rock to the noggin. I mentally compressed it into a file and put it into a folder in my brain. I picked a specific date to begin and one to end it on. Not the exact day or date necessarily but close to what I wanted to compress. In my head I edited it just like you would if you were editing a reel to post on social media. Do you know what I’m talking about? The little edit icon with scissors where you can shorten or lengthen a segment of your reel? In my mind I took a rather large chunk of memories and compressed it into a small file. Around 15 years to be precise. I physically squinted my eyes as I completed it to add a little more depth and energy to my intentions. It felt a little silly but at the same time my mind sort of released like a balloon slowly letting its air out. Then as per the norm I went to sleep shortly after.

The era I compressed, to me, was a time that where I felt no growth, no change, mass negativity and lack of beneficial energy. A system that for the longest time had changed me and redefined me into a different Chad. One I’m no longer a part of.

I’m referring to both subjects here- me and the system.

Somewhat brainwashed for years. The era wasn’t hell or terrible by any means I made some good forever friends from this time, this old train station but the environment/system that attached to me like a parasite had to go and well that means most of the memories that were also attached to it.

The more you self analyze your life and the past the more clues you will find that will help you locate the source of certain toxic elements. I call this shadow work. It was a part of my self repair. Ive spent the last 4 years rebuilding/rebranding/reckoning myself.

I put an end to it not so long ago but there was still some dust to be swept up after everything that had settled.

A few more train stations to remove off my route.

One my commute to work yesterday morning I touched base with my little meditation session the night before. I took myself back to that era and it scrambled like an old tv station.

Static

White noise

No I didn’t erase my mind and that wasn’t my intention. What I did was take it off of auto recall. At least that’s what I’m hoping for and in my short recollection during my commute I did just that. My mind was trying to recall the era and it stalled. If I sat in my truck and told myself to pull up a specific moment from that timeline I could. I can right now but I’ve put into a file that takes a moment to access and that’s exactly what I intended to do.

The point?

Your nervous system relies on your past. Your response and relationship to just about every emotional situation comes from your nervous system. Your reaction to most stimuli.

Over time I’ve begun to recognize my habitual tendencies and reactions because of past events and systems. To remove these systems and memories it allows me to rewire my nervous system. It’s a painstakingly slow process.

But

It works.

I’m not ignoring my past mistakes nor am I trying to make them go away. I’m just making peace with the one person who needs to accepted it and move on.

Me

Like rereading the last letter you’ll ever write to someone before you lick the envelope.

I picked this specific era for how it had/has defined me for the last few decades. Anytime I had moved forward from that era it still attached itself like a barnacle. Some of my toxic habits today were founded in that time and they grew with me like malignant tumors.

This isn’t making peace with them actually. It’s a discardment (Chad word)

A stripping

A tiny little file in my brain that won’t open unless I physically click my little mouse button on it.

Not gonna do it. Wouldn’t be prudent. *George Bush voice

That was my intention. Now it’s time to see if my nervous system will follow suit.

Peace and elbow grease

Sometimes when I write I’ll go back and read it a few times after it’s posted. When I write I’m releasing all sorts of energy out of my body and soul. Some things I write I’ll post it but not on my social media. It’s on my site but I don’t feel like letting it all out there. I also have around five dozen drafts I’ve started and walked away from. They may or may not ever be completed but the headlines are good reminders that I may drive back around to that vibe again one day and let it settle.

I’ve reread my post about our dog Lucy probably a dozen times. It helps me process. I cry each time I read it.

Like I said it helps me process.

I cried more when my dog died than when my mother passed. It has nothing to do with one meaning more than the other to imply that is ridiculous.

Ludicrous

The difference being was my dog was a daily abundance of overflowing love and affection that I sort of took for granted for years and now it’s just vanished. My mother’s passing was also sudden but she had been aging in her 80’s, her mind was going and my mind was trying to make peace with the outcome before the end. I wasn’t disassociating with my mother I was slowly preparing myself for the moment that was inevitable. Because of all the covid bullshit I didn’t see my mother as much as I would’ve liked to the last two years. How ironic that it would still be Covid that took her from me. My mother will always be in my heart.

She created mine.

Changing the subject

Summers at the deli are average this is my second one and it’s right on target to be like last year’s. My business is somewhat seasonal so slowish summers are the cool down before fall kicks in. I expressed my frustration of the road construction in front of my deli. I was careful how I let my words come out this time around. I make a solid effort not to loop into some old behavioral patterns. It was the loss of control of my businesses during the COVID lockdown that chapped my ass and caused me to part ways with my old company. While this wasn’t the same I was dealing with another “my business is being affected by more bureaucrat bullshit”

Triggered

Very triggered

But

I maintained. Slow and steady.

It’s absolutely 💯 out of my control. The business will come back.

But

I still deal with the inside voice of “why do I keep putting myself through this?”

I’m getting better at it.

But

Man..

Anyway

Attracting retirement vibes.

Once I’m done manifesting my retirement I’ll write a book about it.

Warmth of the Sun by The Beach Boys is serenading on my headphones.

“Still I have the warmth of the sun”

*trail markers

Highly recommend on the headphones

I have my Lucy’s old blanket in my lap. It’s freshly washed but still smells like her.

I smell the aroma of something that’s no longer around. I held myself together pretty well after we put Lucy down until I came home after work to see one of her lawn “adornments” next to the sidewalk of our home. Man I used to get so mad when I’d have to watch out for the dog-made minefield in our yard. As I walked by I realized I’d never have to complain about it again and that’s when the flood gates opened.

And here they come again.

Life’s beautiful man. To be able to love something so much even an animal, can open your heart.

Of course she was more but you get it.

Thanks Lucy for triggering my emotions with some dog shit.

I got a deli to run today. I wrestle with my emotions when I think of that too.

I got a teeny tiny tug of war going on in my head.

Domestication 🪢 Feralism (yeah I made that word up I don’t care)

My feet belong in a creek not in New Balance shoes.

“Waiting for my real life to begin” – Colin Hay now plays in my headphones.

Trail markers

Heading to Michigan in about a week or so. It’s one of a small handful of states I haven’t visited yet. Michigan, Wisconsin, North Dakota (I may have crested the southern border) and the big ultimate bucket list one- Alaska. It’s possible I’ll touch base in Wisconsin not sure as of yet but my intention is to hang some on the western peninsula of Michigan. Dip my toes in some Great Lakes and paddle around for a bit. Trying to hit the Porkies (porcupine wilderness) while I’m up there. I won’t be doing any insane vertical hikes it’s mostly a little exploring with some relaxation. The route up there hasn’t been settled upon yet I’m waiting for the mudslides on I-40 to finish their journey.

I’m looking forward to it. I already have my truck packed.

Yay me *self high five

My eyes are on the weather forecast. If I see rain for most of the week I’ll change my route. Back up routes are New England (Maine area), the Ozarks or upstate New York. If all else fails I may head west. I’d rather not drive 24 hours again this year. Utah was a lot of churning wheels and tornadoes along the way.

This will most likely be my last big trip for the year if the deli is anything like last year the charcuterie business will start to prime up around late September and last time I looked at my calendar early October is already getting booked up. You won’t hear a word from me about being too busy. October – December is my time to shine. I’ll be adding another employee this year. I’m not trying to be a hero.

Went for a one night trip up to the mountains Sunday. I knew rain would be my companion for part of the day but she decided to stick around the whole day. I don’t mind a steady drizzle while I’m decompressing. The downside can be keeping puddles from building up around my site and on top of my awning, cranking up a firepit and staying still.

I kept mostly dry. Finished off two books that were hanging around too long while I dangled my feet outside my tent and made a big ass bowl of ramen for dinner. I’ve started fasting on my camping days. 24 hours so dinner the night before and then all the way to dinner the next day. This isn’t for weight loss purposes I’m not trying to lose weight it’s for clarity and rebuilding. We aren’t meant to digest food all day long. This is what my body tells me I should do now that I listen to it. My goal is to be able to sustain a three day fast every 45 days or so. I did a juice cleanse several years ago and almost killed several people due to my hunger pains. I have to build myself up for it. 24 hours is tough. I’m a grazer. Your mind is much sharper when you aren’t trying to digest a bag of Doritos.

I also stopped trying to consume as much protein as possible and moved to fruit. My stomach thanks me for it. My ass will never bench press 275lbs again and I’m ok with that. Flexibility will keep you around longer than trying to pick up heavy objects. I just want to be able to scratch my own back again.

Every month I seem to be shedding old habits. I’m by no means in the twilight of myself, I’m in the sit and relax phase. 50 years of perpetual motion has turned this meat suit into a wound up bundle of knots. I spend some time every morning to release one of those knots.

I have a lot of knots

My mind is on retirement. Financially it sounds ridiculous but I’ve wiggled my way out of some ridiculous situations my whole life. I always seem to find a hole in the system. I’m not seeking retirement I’m attracting it. No I’m not closing my deli any time soon just pondering the knots in my body. I’ve gotten most of the ones out of my head. They were first to reckon with. Man does that feel good to say out loud.

I feel my social media days are coming to an end soon. No I’m not announcing my departure I know how people love to harp on that. I doubt I’ll erase anything it’s more of a post and ghost thing for me now. I no longer engage with people on here as much anymore, my energy is my own. Still need it for work I suppose but if you’re like me it seems that’s all people use it for nowadays. That and complain about their lives or lack of. I’m just as guilty of it as everyone else. I get it.

My life sure is happier once I turn off the social media noise. Once you recognize your own patterns of distractions and loops it gets easier to put the shiny objects down.

*another self high five

I like the 50s. Not the era but my own. Not the back pain mind you but the peace of mind when you allow it to bloom. Which happens when you slow things down and put all your toys away for a bit. I actually looked at a flip phone the other day. I’m not quite there yet..

Domestication doesn’t suit me anymore

I’m ready to be feral. My intuition screams for campfires and stars. Good sittin’ chair with a puff of tobacco stemming from a pipe. I don’t even smoke and that sounds desirable. Hot coffee brewing over a fire, body wrapped in a blanket with a sunrise coming to visit. I want to see that coffee steam over the ridge. Mentally, that’s where I’m at right now. Physically? Just you wait and see.

Touch the grass with your feet yall. Put your ass in the creek and breathe.

Watch the birds. Make friends with a tree

I’m out

My family is a small family and we are a tight one. I love the relationship I have with my daughter and her’s with her mother. We have open conversations and are extremely transparent with our daughter. My wife especially I’m just the guy with a giant club in my hands if I feel like my family is in danger. Our family is small and they are the most precious thing I could ever have.

Our little family additions are dog Lucy and two cats Chipotle and Velcro.

We adopted Lucy in 2012 from a rescue

Chipotle was adopted in 2017 and Velcro adopted us in 2021 via the cat distribution system. This cat was placed here to watch over my daughter. To understand this you just have to live here. The cat has an odd special bond to my kid and well who can blame it? We all do

Chipotle is my trusty steed and as per the norm is nestled beside me in the sofa during my morning coffee. I don’t think I’ve ever been so attached to a cat before. I know it has to do with my change in lifestyle. My heart has gone completely soft in my 50s and I’m home a lot more now.

Every morning when I get up I make my coffee and do my daily ear scratches. Always the cat first she’s closer and then I give Lucy a good scratch and the end of her tail would thump the floor.

Today is the first day I haven’t scratched her ears (if I’m home) in 10 years.

No scratches, no tail wagging beating their own drum on the floor, none of her little excited snorts and sneezes when I came into the room.

Lucy, like all dogs got old way too soon. I know it’s a part of life but it’s ridiculous that dogs don’t get to live longer. Her legs couldn’t hold her up anymore and she was getting dementia. She’s always had a leg issue from arthritis but it got much worse in the last year. She was a pitbull/dane mix and unfortunately Danes don’t live that long and Lucy inherited part of that result.

My wife had the obligation of receiving the news and dealing with the situation. Jess is the matriarch of the family. She’s the rock. I’m the one that can be a mess. She had to make the difficult decision while I was building boxes at the deli. We knew all along it was time but sometimes you just hope for impossible miracles. This wouldn’t be one of them.

Today

I knew this morning would be hard.

And it is.

Her cushion (that she rarely slept on) is still on the floor with her blanket. It’s my unspoken duty to take care of these things today before I go to work. Her food bowl is in the dishwasher. We will be saving that and her collar along with a thousand memories.

I’m not a dog person I’m a cat person. That doesn’t mean I dislike dogs I’m just more comfortable around cats. I prefer cats to dogs our personalities are similar but I loved Lucy like she was a big cat. Often times she was. She was an 80 lb cuddle bug that refused to leave her mother’s side (Jess). Where Jess walks Lucy walked. Even in her final days she would limp in pain to follow her mother around because that’s what good, loving dogs do

She was fierce when she needed to be but a big baby at heart. When I had my jeep I often left her in the car with my daughter with my top down if I had to run into the store. Anyone that knows me knows I’m over protective when it comes to my daughter. It shows the trust I had in Lucy to watch over her. I can recall a giant of a man coming into a record store I had stopped to grab an album, I could see my daughter and Lucy from the register but I had been concerned when this giant and walked past them. As he entered the store he said “I don’t know who’s jeep that is but they don’t have to worry about anyone messing with the kid in the back seat” he joked as he was referring to the warning growl he received from Lucy.

Lucy was our guardian. No one entered our house without her permission. I always slept lousy in our old home until we got Lucy. After that I slept like a baby I knew no one in their right mind would come at her when she was in her prime. If you truly knew her you’d know she’d probably run and hide in the closet. Her bark was indeed bigger than her bite but that big pitbull jaw and gruff was imposing.

We have a close family. She was our second child. This morning is a tough one man. This was my first real family dog. It just might be our last. How do you replace a child of yours?

We have a tiny house but this room feels giant and empty right now. Lucy Goose you got me good today.. even Chipotle notices it.

Dying is a part of living. That’s what I’ve told my daughter on specific occasions when needed and I’m telling myself that same thing right now. We are all energy though and energy never dies. Dogs have souls as do all animals. Thats why they dream. Thats why I still feel her here.

Man

Your mama sure did love you. That’s probably the toughest part for me. I’m here to divert all the pain and grief from my family. I can’t catch this one though it has to process.

That’s why I’m writing today. To process the pain. It helps.

It’s healthy to express the mourning. I’m getting it all out or as much as I can. We knew it was coming it just came a little quicker than expected. You want to run out and adopt a puppy as fast as you can to mask the pain. That’s just not happening. Lucy deserves her space and attention and she’ll get it just like a good girl should.

I’m so glad I get two hours alone time every morning. It’s needed today. A lot of trauma has been dumped on this sofa seat over the last couple of years. This damn dog has really gotten me this time.

Did I mention how tight our family is?

Our family has lost an appendage this week. I’m gonna have to cut this one short.

Rest in peace Lucy “Goosie Goose” you were the bestest goodest girl.