I refused to start this unless I had to.

But it’s life

My oldest sister passed away at 4:49 Monday afternoon.

Marsha Gangwer Mull. My father’s first born. She was 20 years older than me there was no sibling rivalry to be had with us. By the time I was born Marsha had already moved out of the house. The only time I shared a household with her was when she took my father in after my parents divorce. Without a word she and Ralph made an in-law suite for my dad to live with them till the end of his days.

Marsha loved my father with all of her heart. She never stopped talking about him even 30 years after his death. She was one of two daughters from my dad’s first marriage. His wife passed at an early age with the same medical issue that took my sister. According to her Ralph my brother in-law of over 50 years.

I’m not sure I can sit here and write about my sister today.

I’ve lost my parents, stepfather, brother and now my eldest sister. Chronologically I suppose I’m going to experience this as time goes by. Morbid observation.

A part of me has gone with all of them.

Each one that has passed has taken a piece of me with them that won’t return. Man I just got really tired all of a sudden.

My thoughts are skewed on life after death. I’m not saying we rot in the ground I’m only saying I different perspectives on the after life but whatever it may be I hope that she gets to see her parents again. Dad I hope you are reunited with your daughter.

I’m not going to bust out any style points with this one.

I honestly thought my oldest sister would outlive us all. Marsha was strong, body and mind. I’ve said this before she was the only one of my siblings that always came to see me wherever I worked.

Always wished me a happy birthday.

She was the keeper of my father’s stories. My dad’s historian

Of all my brothers and sisters, Marsha just kept her head down and lived the most normal life you can imagine. I’m so fucking jealous of that.

Her grandkids were her life. And of course her husband Ralph for the last 50 years.

Ralph, I hope my daughter finds someone as devoted and kind as you. You’ll never know how big of a compliment that is.

I’m spent. Grief doesn’t hit me immediately anymore. It jabs at me when I’m not looking and I guess I have my eyes closed right now.

I’m observing. But I’m in it too. I’ve never known life without Marsha. I went by the hospice twice and was hoping to go again today..

I’m all over the place. I suppose that’s the norm

Man I hope souls do meet again I really do. I’m not here to hear the “they do Chad!” I’ll wait my turn and find out for myself.

I just want to hug Ralph for the next 5 years is all. The boys are strong it’s different with them they still have their families to tend to. I grew up with them. They’re more like brothers to me than nephews. It’s always been that way

Surround Ralph with all your love

Marsha and her/my sister Kelley are the only connections I have to the Gangwer part of my family down here. Yes we all have children to represent but this is different. Only us three and my daughter have that last name birthed into us. There are no more up in PA. My last name is slowly disappearing.

I won’t be around to see it end.

But

It’s weird. I didn’t cry yesterday when I heard the news. It was the same with my mother. I knew it was coming. Today? Not so much. I had considered closing the deli. I’m not going to be much of a counter person today.

Yeah. I’m done here. Time to pick up the pieces. I have a coffee date with my daughter.