I had much more to say in my head last night. Some evenings right before bed I’ll get some epiphanies that shine a light in my head for a solid journaling session and I’ll type some notes down before bed to prompt my thoughts. Often times I’ll try to decipher my short handed notes and have no idea what I was trying to convey. Today is one of those days.

I’m in a juggling of grief, work and slight exhaustion. I have a sister that was taken to hospice care yesterday. She’s been my main concern for the past two days. I went to see her yesterday morning before work, she was unconscious and looked frail. Her frailty took me out for the morning. My eldest sister has always been a strong woman. Strong willed and confident. She’s a rock. Her husband of 50 plus years sat by her side.

Im writing this to get the grief out. My sister has not passed and I refuse to acknowledge it as the only thing left to happen. Her husband has been my brother in law since I was 3 or 4. They celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary awhile back. They got all gussied up with their two sons to celebrate that moment. I remember looking at the pics with a giant smile on my face. I love my sister and brother in-law.

I’m currently sobbing. Lily if you read this yes your dad can cry on occasion.

Ralph, sitting attentive, next to his whole complete life at 6:45am on a cool rainy morning. I’ve never seen him cry in my life until yesterday. They’ve both taken care of each other over their entire adult lives.

He didn’t want to leave in case she woke up.

That’s what love and devotion is. In its entirety. I can’t talk about this anymore.

I went to visit my sister because I love her not just because she’s my sister. I kissed her on the forehead. It’s probably the first time I’ve ever done that. The Gangwer’s aren’t very physically expressive in their emotions. Then I drove to work to work on a grazing table that normally takes a few hours but instead took up my entire day.

Creativity and grief mix like oil and water. I spent most of my morning staring at my prep table, taping a smile on my face each time a customer came in and standing in my bathroom with the door locked composing myself. They don’t talk about this part in entrepreneurship.

$2k caterings don’t respond well to grief.

Indeed. Neither do I

My sister, as I’ve said before, always came to my businesses to see me.

And that meant the world to me

Marsha, Ralph told me how you would tell everyone about “my brother jumps in his truck and just drives out to see the world”

You were always proud of me even during the times that no one should’ve.

Correction you ARE

This hurts man. This is life I suppose

My view on passing away is skewed. I haven’t made my own personal conclusions with it. If it goes according to some she will get to see her dad. Our dad.

The afterlife needs a postcard system. I’d love to see a pic of them together one day. She took care of dad when after he divorced with my mom. Without question. Ralph built him an in-law suite.

Without question.

I have to go back into work. Just like this all over again. They moved my sister to Simpsonville yesterday. I intend to go see her again after work. In fact I’ll probably close my deli down early.

You don’t get all of me you ass.

Sorry

Dying is a part of living. I say this all the time. It never makes me feel better when I do.

Hollow words

I always want to run and hide from grief. It’s always faster than me. I can already feel a part of me leaving.

Ralph sitting next to my sister. That’s it man. That’s what love is.