Somedays I look at the beginning of my morning journal and ask myself

“What now?”

I’m staring at my phone

Staring

Waiting for the click to click

*clack

Nope that’s not it asshole

Around 11:19am on a Sunday morning September 5th, 1971 at Saint Francis Hospital, Peggy Ann Gangwer and Roland Donald Gangwer had a son arrive at their proverbial doorstep. Not sure how long my parents were married for before my birth. I can’t find one pic of my mom cutting a cake or my parents exchanging vows.

No tuxes, white gowns, bachelor parties.

Nothin

No “it’s a boy!” signs, party hats or cigars

Weird

Not one. No memories of celebrating

There’s one pic of my birth the hospital took. My little grown up embryo ass in a diaper. Misshapen, confused, one eye glancing up at the camera.

“Put me back. I’m gonna be a restaurant operator for half my life”

Putting your life in reverse and watching the reels is surreal

Sur reels

I’m watching it playback in my head right now. A tv series revisited over the years. Season 55. Same main character. A few new ones and a small handful of the original cast. Some quit, some passed.

Some scenes filled with laugh tracks

Some with boos

Many with tears. Drama holds the series together.

You already know the plot. You lived it.

*Baba O’Reilly plays in the background

“Yep, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I got here”

Flashback instantly to all 55 years

I’m not here to summarize it. I’ve done plenty of that.

A short witnessing of a life. I don’t need to take it all in I’ve lived it. In surround sound.

Lo-fi Hi-fi and WiFi

55 is significant to me and I’m not sure why yet. When I turned 50 I already had a light in the back of my mind that told me my drinking days are over. I didn’t tell anyone because I don’t like people looking at me like a cuckoo clock.

The light is one again having a chat of what’s to come.

I fought the last one. I’m surrendering this time. Surrender doesn’t just mean giving up. It also means yielding and or letting go of something.

“Release”

Aight

Of what Chad?

Can’t tell you because it hasn’t happened yet

Gonna let that float in your eye socket for a bit

I’ve got African drum beats in my ears. I may change this tune

hold please

I had 367 people wish me a happy birthday on facebook yesterday. Thanks yall

I’ve been trying some micro learning lately after my trip. My screen time is 7 hours a day. Granted at least an hour is my journaling, scrolling for music while I perform through my day, checking my medias entirely too much and melting my brains on dopamine reels while wrestling discernment fed to me.

Ew

I’m trying to replace a few of those hours with other, better hours.

Philosophy

Planting

Short story writing

Yoga

I’m not issuing a statement that I’m more grounded than you. I’m trying to utilize my time better.

7 hours

50 hours a week

2600 hours a year

What could you learn or do with 2600 extra hours? Or just half of that?

Then I think to myself “I don’t have the time”

Dude

SYBAU as the kids say

My light has been poking me. Like a Facebook poke. I wake up with one of these notifications

👉🏼 – “what?”

👉🏼- “the fuck? WHAT?”

👉🏼 – “stop poking me who are you??”

“Oh hey you. What am I doing wrong now?”

👉🏼

Use your words for fuck sake I’m tired

👉🏼

*sighs “that?” Are we still going to do that?”

👍🏼

Fine

I got a cool little writing book thing. Electric, I can write on with no internet or phone in my hand. I’m excited. I thought about getting one after I’d written at least 50,000 words and I’m way past that.

Like Bradley Cooper in Burnt after shucking his last anointed oyster he imposed on himself before he could move on. That’s my favorite part of that movie. I watched that part and immediately got it.

Felt it.

Adam Jones (Bradley) had his own reckoning to deal with before he could go back.

Oh I’m not going back to the restaurant industry fuck off on those vibes.

I’m going somewhere just not back.

Forward motion at all times son

My boots are on my feet now, my bag is by the door

Thanks for that plug Avett’s, good timing.

I’m in a good flow. I had dinner with my favs. No phone was opened the entire time. Dinner smacked and my dates were beautiful. If there’s a deathbed in my future, that moment will make me smile, amongst many others.

I’m smiling now with a tear accompanying it.

Life

Is

Cool

Peace out y’all