I spent two days alone out in the WNC mountains after my long work week.

A short unplug

A reality reprieve

Weekly Reset

A seek and delete session.

What’s that last part Chad? Seek and delete? Sounds like a hit man mission. Are you hunting out there?

Nah it’s nothing like that. I just made up that term, well no I discovered it. Not a revelation of sorts but an observation of myself. Most of my journaling is made up of observations and experiences that only I can relate to and breakdown through my discernment and point of view.

All I’m trying to say is what’s a “yah” for me could just as easily be a “nah” for you.

I hit some yahs when I camp. Some yeehaws too but that’s a different story for another time.

Where was I?

Fragments

We are all fragmented in all sorts of ways. Our personalities and the masks we wear to conceal or protect ourselves.

We wear masks to work, another when we get home

We put on a mask around one friend and a completely different one around another. Sometimes we may carry around multiple masks if surrounded by an assortment of friends or acquaintances (always forget the c in that damn word)

We wear masks around complete strangers and customers who may purchase our products

Online masks to show who we aren’t or who we want you to think we are

More intimate masks we wear around our significant others and close family.

Masks to hide our addictions, insecurities, doubts

I could keep throwing mask reasoning around

But

I work for a living so I have to prepare one of my own masks soon.

I don’t care for masks anymore. I never realized how many I owned or donned over the years until recently. I’ve discarded quite a few over the recent years without realizing what I was doing.

Career masks

Public masks

Online masks

I being redundant as I’m trying to circle around to my center of attention here.

My attachment to camping is this-

Camping = mask shedding

Mask shedding = integration

A discarding of outsourced authority

Man this may be a long one..

I slowly find myself deleting fragments of my own ego, pieces that I’ve created from my past or inserted from other people’s authorities over time.

Parents

Teachers

Old employers

People I looked up to or thought I did

Implemented rules and regulations.

Some, are necessary necessities

Some are bullshit

Rewind to earlier statement of my “yahs” above^^

When I’m on my little trips up the yonder hollers I’m seeking and shedding.

Seeking my true self

Integrating

Shedding the rest

Two more days of no distractions, no interruptions

Boredom is quite the glue for integration at times.

When I’m alone up there –

I’m me, myself and I

The holy trinity of integration.

There are no masks

No “hey y’all watch this!”

Although complete transparency, my pics and posts of my trips cause my ego to shine. A fine line between sharing my experiences in hoping that you’ll see how my life has changed through these past few years as opposed to “look at me!”

One of my thoughts on my last long trip was

“Am I climbing this mountain for me to see the top?”

Or

“Am I climbing it so you can see me at the top?”

One’s a moment of integration

One’s a mask

I’ve become keenly aware of the masks I’ve carried lately

I’m in an era of discardment. Not a word? It is now

I try to bring back the person up in the yonder hollers. Sorry y’all I’m enjoying how that rolls off my tongue

Yonder hollers

For a couple of days I fragment my fragmentations.

And sweep them off the floor like broken glass. Man I’m pushing for some metaphors today

Let’s simplify this

In the mountains I’m a polished version of who I’m supposed to be. Like that river rock from the last episode of Chad’s life.

Domestication has left the chat.

The solitude

Journaling

Stillness

Nature

Unplugging

Sovereignty

The fabric to coherence.

The deliberation of methodical actions. Not sure why I wrote that but I’m keeping it.

I had one of my lifelong friends come by to visit while I was there. He lives about 10 miles away from my zen zones. We sat and chatted for a bit. He’s been one of my best friends for life.

There’s nothing we can’t talk about and even less of what we haven’t.

But I found myself talking through a mask. One I’ve worn around him for years. Not a fake mask, not one to hide behind, it was a mask formed over the years from our decades of friendship. I haven’t seen him in well over a year and a half. I wanted to share with him my experiences of recent.

My altered life, mind and heart.

When we started talking I listened to the old Chad coming out to chat. Not a bad or good version of myself. It’s nothing like that. I was still wearing a mask of over 35 years of friendship.

An attachment

I kept catching myself using phrases and patterns I had thought I discarded over time.

My friend David brought some of it out of me. Not in a negative or bad way. Our friendship is nothing like that. I’ve known him since I was a late teenager. Some of that late teenager came out to talk. Some of the early 20’s roommate and late 20’s cycling across country adventurer reappeared.

I smiled at the thought of it. I wasn’t frustrated by any means I was keenly aware.

“Who’s talking right now Chad? It’s not you. Ok some of you but it’s more of a conjuring”

When David left, I smiled again.

I felt the presence of the mask.

“By Jove I think I’ve got it”

Who are we really until we’ve spent enough time alone with ourselves?

Free from distractions.

Masks

David has been one of my best friends for my entire adult life. I’d burn down a town for this guy.

But

There’s still a mask.

A mask of the past.

This in no way reduces a value of our friendship. Not even close to a point I’m drowning to make here.

My mannerisms, thought processes and mechanisms changed during our brief encounter.

Changed may be too much

Tweaked maybe

Enough for me to be aware.

This was a download for me of sorts. The mini revelation didn’t hit until this morning. This is one of many reasons why I take these mini trips. Some downloads queue for a bit.

A series of “were you paying attention? Uh huh and what did we learn?”

My goal recently had been to get rid of my masks. I want to be the same person when no one is watching as I am everywhere else

That’s all

No divide of personalities or evidence.

That’s all. I think.

Hence the part one. I’m still downloading I think.

Speaking of thinking, I’m thinking this is a good time to put this one down for the day.

Until the next download ☮️