Looking back on some of my journaling experiences it’s surreal watching and reading my voice and tone changing. Like a jagged rock tumbling in a river.

Slowly

But surely

Smoothing itself out

I feel smooth right now. Smoother than I’ve been.

I walk by some old triggers and smile.

*triggers – “gotcha bitch!”

“Wait?? Where are you going??”

I’ve been focusing on my regulations

That nervous one

I put my nervous system in a La-Z-boy chair.

Just relax slick, put your feet up and chill

Sooometimes he tries to get up to fix something that doesn’t need fixing. It’s my job to keep him chilly.

As a Willy

I’ve got African drums playing in the background headphones style.

I went out to dinner last night at my old spot to support a new spot. Driving by that strip used to be triggering. Probably flipped a bird or two in my youth (5 years ago). Sat in the same spot of the bar where I used to chug a few vodkas after work, sat under bar lights that were no longer mine and had some dinner. Paid our tab and left.

No “it’s just not the same” or “I preferred the vibe of the old place” thoughts. Dinner was good. Service was as well. I walked in as a patron and left as one.

I had to remove an echo. And I think I did.

That’s all.

That’s a big all y’all

I went home and scrolled through some old journal entries about my previous business ventures and smiled.

“There’s none of this left in me”

I made peace with my partners a while back. That was a big step for me. Making peace with the other guy (me) took more time.

I had told a friend not too long ago that I had peaked as a restaurateur long ago and I’m just now accepting it. The problem has/had been that I attached my whole existence, vitality, soul to that particular venture and always viewed it as a contender who took on the champ and had his ass handed to him. Even when I made some peace it was always there.

“I peaked as a restaurateur 6 years ago”

I said it and I felt my shoulders soften.

I say it now as someone who climbed a peak. And walked back down. Peaks are meant to be observed, enjoyed and then you step away to let others see and experience them for themselves.

It’s as simple as that.

My wife asked me “what do you think it would’ve been like if you still had Southern after all this time?”

I replied “I’d still be that person”

I was meant to find another path. I was meant to tumble in the river until I found my shape.

And a tumbling I did

That person was someone I had to be to see who I could/would become.

That felt good to say

Every day I inch a little closer to what I’m seeking.

I wore my father’s business failure like a heirloom for years man.

Hand me down tune of trauma

I’ve rolled past that now. Current flows as it should.

Regulated river rocks. Sounds like a bad cover band..

Think I’ll go for a walk while the moon still shines

Later gators.