I’m still out of the loop

Somewhat

I’ve got Birds by Neil Young as my first morning writing song.

A migration of love.

Neil could gleek back in the day with the best of them but man his song writing is luring.

I made my first box when I got back yesterday and I stared at it like a foreign object. The hardest thing for me when I go on these little sabbaticals is to bring back the domestication with me. I stare at my station a bit in wonderment, deli still littered with camping gear in little used corners. I’m still battering Barry with camping stories and thoughts. Specials? Features? New menu items? Never heard of em let me tell you about the near fist fight over a guy stealing my battery!

I stare at my prep and sigh

*phone rings

*email dings

Tetherment curls around my ankle like a constricting snake

Hyperbole? Barely

Work beckons

Bills reckon

I lost 4 lbs on this trip. Who goes on vacation and loses weight? Two day fasting probably helped. And the loss of my daily beer.

I wrote about cutting out my one beer last month and I have. I don’t know the amount of days it’s well over 30 plus. I’m fine with it for me it’s just another toy I can’t have because I’ll break it. I’ve got a few of these “breakable toys”, another word for addiction for me.

The beer pissed me off man. It was my reward. It made me feel like I was still part of the team. The socializing team.

Can I socialize without alcohol? Yeah. You can’t though. For me it’s like driving to the ocean with all of your friends and you’re the only one who can’t swim. “Chad can’t go in the water apparently he has the highest risk of drowning”

As everyone else goes and frolics without you. We’ll be back in a few hours. Me- ok! I’ll just go be by myself in hotel room.

“Great enjoy! We are all so proud of you!

That’s your social sobriety scene in one paragraph.

Sober events aren’t for me. I don’t want to go around the table and talk about how it used to control me.

Why I don’t drink anymore

The bad things I used to do with it

I have sobriety fatigue

Not in the way of I’m tired of being sober nope, not even close. I’m wide awake for the first time in my life’s career. I’m not going back. The ocean water is infested with disease, headaches, blackouts, excessive empty calories and depression. I’m the one standing on the beach with my arms crossed wishing I could show you why the water is not good for you but I can’t.

I won’t.

I guess I sorta did

Fatigued. Because I had to make a decision never to swim in that ocean again.

That’s all.

My daughter will soon be at that age where she’s going to want to swim in that water. I’m sure she’s dipped her toes in the surf. I had already at that age.

It bothers me.

But

I can’t lock her up in the hotel room. She will test the water and all I can do is offer is safe refuge. I just hope she swims better than her father did.

That’s all I’ll say.

But yeah that beer. My evening camping beer was my favorite. 10 plus days sitting on my tailgate without my favorite beverage. Well second, vodka will always be number one which is why I’ve gone.. *pulls out calendar and calculator = 1693 days without vodka or any liquor beverage.

*sighs

“I’d die without you” – PM Dawn plays in my headphones.

Oh the irony

My brain still barters for that beer.

“What about just when you’re camping?”

“Date night?”

“Once a week like Saturday night?”

And I’m just sitting here with my hands in my lap

“Nope, I’ll just break it”

Can’t have the nice things

I’m ok. I really am. The elation of knowing I’m in a state of control is a win for me.

But it always feels like a tie

I’m not bending y’all. I’m only observing. Big difference. I’ve got way too much invested in this.

My little sabbatical had nothing to do with this just sometimes I have to let it out to breathe. To be honest this wasn’t the direction I had intended on going with my journal today. It went sideways and I followed it.

Took it out for a solid staring

A spit shine of observance

No reckoning. That was a yesteryear thing.

Maybe it’s because I stared at that beer can at the gas station the other day like a one night stand.

One toe in the water. You bitch

A walk

A walk will do me good.