Yesterday was the first day I haven’t written in awhile. I spent my day fixing up our spare bedroom for Lily’s friends who are coming over before the football game Friday. It’s a simple little room made to give our daughter essentially a living space next to her bedroom. A sense of privacy in her domain upstairs. I had zero privacy as a teen. We didn’t even have locks on any of the doors in our house. Privacy is important to teenagers. Especially young ladies. She had a daybed and a little chest of drawers with a tv on top. That wasn’t going to work for friends coming over so spruced it up a tad. I drove around town to find some accessories and fixed up her room. She was grateful.

She’s my daughter. That’s the only reason I need.

I’m mentally watching myself from above to observe any physical and mental changes during my trip. I’ve written on here from time to time about how your behavioral loops and routines can get a healthy shake up when you go on vacation or do something consistently that takes you out of your comfort zones. I mixed a few of these together to create an internal cocktail to knock me off my old stagnant rhythm.

In my brief experience of acknowledging and understanding my cycles, loops, habits and rituals I began to notice how my routines would change a little, I’d feel out of wack because of the discomfort and I’d work my way back to my old self, my old ways.

It’s just easier.

I’m back home after my social media sabbatical and it took no time for my phone to gravitate back towards my hand again. I’m sitting in my favorite spot on my sofa, coffee to my left, cat to my right. Three days ago I was probably stirring a fire back to life while spilling coffee grounds on my tailgate. No morning yoga on cold wet grass and no hour of poised silence and journaling at this time. All of my writing was done in the afternoon or evening time after I found my plot for the day.

My last day off yesterday was also met with multiple work phone calls and some head scratching observations when I came into my deli.

“Welcome home big boy” *reality winks

Domestication rears its ugly head.

It’s 6:15am and I’m already counting the minutes before I don my work clothes and pack my gym shoes. Head off at 7:30 and come back home at 5:12-5:20.

Shower (again)

Rest

Eat

Sleep

I just summarized 75% of my daily life.

Oh and I pay bills

Now we’re done

A week ago I had no idea what my next day itinerary would be

Where I would rest

Place to sleep

Weather forecasts. I didn’t open my weather app one time. If the region smelled like rain I’d move to another. Temperature? Stick my head outside or feel my truck windshield.

I cooked and ate what I had. I left a crucial part of my cooking system in another box and had to change how I prepared my meals. All I had was a little jetboil and a butane grill.

Sleep? You sleep as well as the weather allows you. If it’s 80° at night you’re gonna sweat. Pouring rain is not as romantic as you think it is when camping. Speaking of weather I had a cloud as big as the entire sky begin to swirl over me outside of Pennsylvania. It felt like someone turned off the lights in the sky. I’ve never pulled off of to an exit because of clouds. Glad I did as the sky dropped an entire ocean over the horizon. Zero visibility as I sat parked next to a large brick department store in case I had to seek shelter. I’ve never seen a storm drop so fast.

That’s more comfort zone exercise than I care for. I was already in route home and a little worn down.

But

Now I’m home and man I’m craving that storm

That cold shivering morning feeling

The smell of burning wood on my clothes

The delight of cresting a ridge of a new town

A new reality

We procure our own reality. Most of us simplify it down to auto mode. That’s about where I am at the moment. Coffee, soft sofa, phone in my face, cozy room, mood lighting the way we like it. The upcoming task of work coming into view for the day. The work that we will not go above and beyond because it’s become like brushing our teeth or tying our shoes. When was the last time you observed how you brush your teeth? We do it in our walking sleep. Most of our daily lives could be labeled that way

Walking sleep.

Compulsive digital scrolling

Repetitive, useless behaviors, under- stimulated, little dopamine dabs.

Zoochosis

Look it up.

“psychological distress and repetitive, compulsive behaviors people develop from living in the unnatural, confined environment of modern society”

Most of us suffer from it. In our self created captivity. I know I do oh man do I. It’s hard as hell to walk away from all of the reels, comments, updates etc..

It felt good to break that chain for two weeks. All of the chains.

The difficult part is stopping yourself from stepping back into the cage once you taste your behavioral freedom.

“Why do you stay in prison when the door is wide open?”– Rumi

That quote always rides side saddle with me. Especially right now as I watch myself try to crawl back behind that door.

I’m painstakingly observing the process. One pulls me in (comfort) while the other tries pulls me out (fear)

Of course you want the comfort, it’s so much easier man.

I’m stretch Armstrong right now. 😱👋🏼——-🧑🏼‍🦲—— 🤟🏼 😇

That was bad..

“Let’s go back and chill Gangwer

Or

“Let’s go fuck some shit up“

Your choice

You’re living in your own private Idaho by the B-52s plays in my ears

Damn

That’s what I’m trying to escape. My little Idaho.

Idaho is beautiful btw

Not all music synchronizes. The current song is Johnny Blue Skies “Stay on that D baby till you hit that G”

It actually does fit. I’m gonna stay on that delirium until I hit that gold.

Good one Johnny

Man I’m just rambling. I’m rambling to keep my awareness that the guy sitting on the sofa is craving zoochosis while the guy typing is trying to hit that G.

Typing guy is gonna win this one.

Only the truck is parked. My mind is not.

I’m gonna let this trip finish its unfolding.

Later gators 🐊