I sat on my sofa yesterday evening I had just returned home from a solo dinner at a local spot near my deli. I can’t tell you the last time I went out to eat on a Friday by myself. I usually avoid the weekend crowds for dinner I don’t like waiting to sit down.

I’m fidgety

I enjoyed my dinner I’m simple when it comes to food. As a cook, the less chaos for the guys in the back the better I feel about what I order. Give me a steak and some sort of potato and I’m good. I don’t eat fancy, I don’t cook fancy but I will if the situation calls for it.

Morning tangent once again

Returns to sofa setting

I sat on my sofa, full belly and all and I smiled. Solo smiles are the best man because you aren’t putting on a mask for someone or something else. A solid smile for no one else to see. It doesn’t matter it’s coming from the inside out and to me that’s a damn good smile.

I felt good. Real good.

The Deli was poop last week, slowest week or one of the slowest.

I didn’t blink once. Sure in my head my thoughts were reminding me that it was a slow week. I acknowledged it with a wink.

“Yeah inside guy (I call the chatterbox in my head the inside guy. He’s not me he just wants to control the direction my brain goes) I’ve noticed it’s been a slow week.“

Charterbox McGhee “ok just making sure you’re paying attention I know how much it bothers you when it’s slow”

Me- “yep and you’re always the first one to let me know. I got it from here”

Chatterbox *sticks bottom lip out and walks away

When it’s slow I’m usually walking around the deli moving things around. Now I sit in my office chair, take a breather and let go. It’s taken years for me to get here.

I’ve locked a lot of concept doors yall.

Anyway

Smiling on my sofa

I put my one occasional beer down 13 days ago. I kept that one beer around for comfort and to feel socially normal for 4.6 years.

That occasional beer became an everyday beer. Still just one it was always one

But

I started allowing the ABV to rise little by little.

Still one beer

And that one beer would light up my face at 5:40 every evening. My routine after work revolved around that one beer at that specific time.

And if I didn’t get it near that time man I got cranky. And I knew exactly why.

I wasn’t in control

I never buy more than one beer at a time it’s a daily purchase. My local gas station attendant only recognizes because of that one beer. Always the same beer unless it was a bad day then that ABV got pumped up a tad.

Why? Because the beer was in control of me. I didn’t like that

But

I continued with my purchase

I had to have that beer.

The only time I buy more than one beer is if I camp. Two nights two beers. I’m not worried about drinking both the same night because that would leave me beerless the next night.

Can’t have that now can we?

When I camp in Brevard overnight I’ll go to Oskar Blues for one beer and I’ll take a double cheeseburger back to camp with me. In my head it’s “I’ve earned this moment” I’m already making excuses as to why I’m having that beer.

“I haven’t been drunk in almost 5 years let a guy live a little”

Beer -“Hell yeah brother I’m here for you. Just one you’ll be fine”

A couple of weeks ago after a delicious burger and one digested draft beer I had remembered I still had one my go to beers in the fridge of my truck. I was feeling myself from a quiet day of creek sitting and a hike.

“What’s one more beer Chad?”

“You’ve earned this moment”

That’s the chatterbox

I opened that beer, poured it into a solo cup and took a sip.

Then I poured the beer in the dirt.

I sat on my tailgate in silence for a bit.

“You’re real close to losing control”

“Again”

That wasn’t my chatterbox speaking it was the other one I prefer to listen to. My trail marker has a voice. It poked me in the ribs.

Hard

I came back home and skipped my regular daily gas station.

13 days ago

Day three it felt like someone split my head with an axe.

I wasn’t done reckoning with the withdrawals from years ago.

One beer

One single fucking beer

I knew exactly what it was doing all along, I chose to ignore it.

And it almost got me.

Almost

But

No cigar

13 days ago I said once more “you’re not drinking again”, in the same exact mirror from almost 5 years ago.

And then I smiled

I went camping last week in the same exact spot where I spilled that beer by the creek. I went to the same brewery and walked up to the counter.

I stared at all the ABVs in chalk on the wall.

“What do you have in a non alcoholic beer?”

I took my order and sat at a long community by myself.

And I smiled

“You don’t get to control me anymore Chatterbox McGhee. I beat you on your own turf”

I had to know for myself that I could walk right up to my trigger’s face and tell it to fuck off.

And I did

And boy was it hard.

I went back to camp with my burger and sat on my tailgate

And I smiled

Still smiling.

I went out to eat by myself yesterday, sat down at the bar and ordered a non alcoholic beer. Ate my dinner and drove home.

As I was driving I asked myself “what’s the odometer reading?”

The other guy “12 days and counting”

I smiled and said outloud “12 days motherfucker, in two more it’ll be two weeks and I’m just getting started”

Chatterbox *silence

I returned home to my beer less fridge, put on my jammies

And smiled