“I’ve leveled myself out over the past couple of years” -Was my first thought this morning as I scrolled some of my Facebook memories. I don’t really scroll the feeds that much anymore and if I do it’s later in the day. I’ve made it a point not to doom scroll in the morning, my morning routine keeps me off my phone for the most part. I can’t tell you the last time I swiped off this app with a smile on my face.

One of my memories popped up that reminded me of a difficult day I was having two years ago. The deli had been opened for a week, that particular day had been a slow one, a real slow one. Small businesses like mine may not get the honey moon phase where you get your ass handed to you for a couple of months or so and then it settles in. At least mine didn’t. It opened with little fanfare and it scared the shit out of me.

My three months of construction, permitting, equipment purchasing and driving around the entire state for tile, marketplace purchases all the while still making charcuterie at the meadery to pay my bills had worn my nervous system thin.

I went a month past my deadline because of permits

Then of course Covid shut me back down

My main purveyor was getting some shitty press due to some liverwurst that dropped a half dozen people. I had their branding all over my deli.

I was sitting in my deli on that ridiculously uncomfortable fake chesterfield feeling sorry for myself. I had a notebook in my lap writing down some new forecast numbers for survival and realized I left one important equation out when I was updating the old one. My weekly deposit to myself. I sat on my sofa with an all too familiar “I can’t fail again I don’t have it in me”– and had a little breakdown.

I will pan back a little for a very brief bit here. I had a nasty head injury in my mid 30’s while riding my bike. Long story short I was already going through a bad time where I was questioning my place in life. I was riding my bike up in the Laurens area and while narrowly missing a head on collision with a large truck I hit a deep pothole and went head first into the pavement. Cracked my helmet in half. I don’t think I lost consciousness I can remember it all like it was an hour ago. I can’t tell you much about the following two or three weeks after. I recall going to a doctor a few days later? Emergency room? Clinic? Specialist? I’ve had dreams of sitting in a round ish control room with something on my head and someone telling me I waited too long to get checked out. Maybe even someone else telling me there’s not much they can do “brain injuries are still foreign to us” – that’s not verbatim. In fact none of this may have actually happened. I may have dreamed this. I was lying in bed last night and it started rerunning in my head. It’s done this before it comes and goes and I have no idea where I went to get my head checked out. I don’t recall paying any medical bills but I had some decent insurance. Don’t remember dealing with that either.

I had just gone through a breakup. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about my injury. Didn’t really have anyone to talk to about it. After I came home from my accident I passed out in my tub while getting ready for work and no called for an hour or so. That scared the shit out of my friends at work. Later that night I was so nauseous I couldn’t leave my bed and soiled it. I often wonder if a part of me actually died that night. Emotionally I hit bottom real bad. My motor skills suffered for a bit too. I can recall eating spaghetti and the noodles falling off my fork from my hands shaking.

I felt like I broke something that couldn’t be fixed.

For a really long time.

The following week I’d take a leave of absence from work for a month due to an emotional breakdown. Ive always had no doubt that my head injury caused it. I have no doubt it’s caused my emotional outbursts over time. My impulsive thoughts and behaviors. My loss of filtering.

I never tried to combat it until recently. I’d say I’ve made some progress over time. Donate my brain to science I don’t care but I’d like to think I’ve mended some brain matter from deliberation and devotion. I’ve done what the doctors didn’t even try to do.

I don’t talk about this much. It’s a day I didn’t like myself at every angle and level. It took a month plus for me to feel somewhat human and as I look back another almost 20 years to sort of fix.

I still get the feelings I’m just better at releasing them.

Most of the time.

Back to the deli. I had what was probably my last emotional outburst this day two years ago. The uncontrollable kind that is. I’ve had quite a few since then but it’s just my emotions needing exercise and that’s healthy. The one two years ago made me lock my doors an hour early and turn off my lights while I cried in my office.

I didn’t want to open a deli

I did it to survive

I forced a concept. I forced a menu and then I plopped myself right back into Stressville.

Population 1

My text to my wife “I don’t want to fail again”

This is a hard one for me. To write

But

I can feel the release.

All of this to say only this

I’ve gotten better.

I’ve leveled out.

My sandwich orders have dropped quite a bit, my market is completely gone. I told my wife before I opened “the charcuterie will take care of things regardless” and it has.

I walked into that vacant building terrified. Scared of failure.

Now?

Yesterday was a slow one. This whole month.

But

I don’t go home worried, mad or frustrated.

“Tomorrow is a new day”

Is my mantra.

My vibes ride high regardless

I haven’t quit caring it’s quite the opposite.

I surrendered.

I’ve had every goddamn thing in the world thrown at me and I’m still here.

My body feels good. My knees don’t hurt as much and I’ve managed to rehabilitate a rotator cuff that’s kept me from working out with weights for over a year and a half.

My brain feels better. My emotions get along with me better.

My perspective on struggle has changed quite a bit over the last few years.

It’s a molding of sorts. I get it now.

A strengthening to my reckoning.

I’m following the path, a fog is lifting.

Peace.