Department of agriculture popped in to say hello at the deli yesterday. The bureau formerly known as DHEC. I can’t tell you how many inspections I’ve been a part of more than most I’d say. I’ve found over the years that it’s not that hard to keep that department happy by just keeping shit clean, writing down every thing they suggest and a lot of head nodding. My mood was stiff with her yesterday because I needed to release my mind on that $800 fine I received from a labeling mishap and well, she’s the only one I’m going to see face to face. The convo was short and calm. I in no way tried to make her feel uncomfortable or intimidated. I had a few things I needed to say and I said them. The conversation was a good one. We both smiled at the end of it and she went about her inspection. It allowed my associate Barry time to label any missed items in his cooler that caused the infraction in the first place.

Strategy

We scored a 99. I’ve never been a part of a B grade and if I ever am I’ll retire.

But

I understand why some may receive a B and still be a good establishment. There are hundreds of little things that you can ball drop in these situations all the while having a clean kitchen.

What that means is a B doesn’t always mean dirty or rats are running around the dining room. I worked in a restaurant with that had an acre of woods torn down to build a Rite Aid and every field mouse in that area decided to go condo in my steakhouse. I was sweeping mice in the middle of dinner rush with a hotel dust pan. I don’t knock places with a B unless it’s a re-inspection then yes, I’m going to raise my eyebrows at you. I still won’t say anything online if it’s local.

If you aren’t familiar with the scoring system of the Department of agriculture it’s

A – 88-100

B – 78- 87

C- 77 – below

I run a deli with one employee. I don’t deal with hoods, cooking temps, fryers, grease, big broken dishwashers etc. Oh I did all of this shit on purpose mind you. An A is the standard for me. I was programmed to be this way from the corporate steakhouse days of yore. To this day if an inspector walks in my hair stands on my neck. I go fight or flight immediately. I don’t like dealing with them and I don’t care what any restaurant owner may say or think but I know they get the same feeling.

Imagine going to work every day not knowing when a pop quiz is going to walk in the door unannounced and test and grade you and all your employees. It’s the “all your employees” that scared the shit out of me because for every handful of great staff you have you still have that one mouth breather that eats paste in his 30s.

The one that will stick his finger in the sauce to taste it in front of the inspector

Someone will stick a pint glass in the ice for beverage service

Someone will start pounding chicken pre brunch at their station cooler. Man that one still pisses me off.

Someone will slap a fly on the wall with their chef knife and then wipe it off with their apron

Your opening key won’t use the inspection check off sheet you specifically made for them and didn’t see the prime rib left overnight in the alto shaam

These are not fictional scenarios unfortunately I’ve dealt with all of this. I’ve hovered over some 88 scores where my hands were shaking. I’ve been a random house fly landing on a 9th pan of chives away from a B. I’ve been belittled by inspectors with Napoleon syndrome and had others smile and tell me “I’m giving you a freebee today”

I could’ve had a B a couple of times.

But

I didn’t

Most of the public doesn’t get the demerits restaurants can receive.

Poor lighting or just a burned out bulb in the cooler

A cutting board that’s been scored on too many times

A chub of salami wrapped but no label

A thermometer with a dead battery or the one you store in your cooler got knocked out during the rush

That aforementioned fly on the chives. It’s summer in the south, flies are hot too. Theres no effective defense system to keep flies from coming in your restaurant. You can’t stick a fly fan on the front entrance, blowing everyone’s wigs off as they enter your store.

Small hole in the frp

If you share a dumpster with another restaurant you’re responsible for their shit too. I had a couple of neighbors along side of me for years that couldn’t hit a rim with their garbage. Bad enough that I swept up their garbage and emptied it on their front door step. They had cameras. It was a good conversation.

Cracked tile on the floor

Leaky faucet

Dusty water heater

Dusty vent over work station

Too much of a gap in the kitchen swinging door

Drink with a lid on the prep table

Drink without a lid under the prep table

Employee scratching their nose and forgetting to wash their hands

Dried raspberry behind the pantry cooler

Gasket seal on cooler door with some crumbs in between the edges. Or gasket has a tiny rip

Gloves? I get tired of people screaming “he ain’t wearing gloves!” Latex and vinyl doesn’t kill germs yall. Hot water and soap. Gloves are just another dirty layer for hands. Whatever helps you sleep at night I suppose.

It’s not that hard to get a B and it’s not that easy to maintain an A. Especially nowadays with having to hire on the spot, loose training and short staffing.

It’s not all cockroaches and raw chicken next to veggies. It’s not always vermin running around, in fact it rarely is.

I’m not a fan of these Facebook pages that post all of these grades online.

“It’s for awareness”.

Nah, your life is lacking attention and this is your way of trying to be relevant. It’s that or you’re just an asshat snitch. Your choice.

Of course I’m biased

I really don’t like those pages.

Any restaurant at any given time can find a little cockroach making its way around. It’s why you pay for pest control. That doesn’t mean you have to work your way around them to move about the kitchen. I’m referring to one or two not a nest under the deep fryer you haven’t cleaned in months.

I get it. There are a handful of restaurants I absolutely won’t eat in. I won’t bring it up in conversation but if you tell me that you’re taking your family there for dinner I’m going to say something. Unless you’re trying to lose some weight.

I told my employee Barry yesterday “if we ever get a B I’ll lock the doors myself.”

C? Yeah you get what you deserve on that one. Facebook page and all.

I do my best not to rant on those pages. I shake my head and move on. If it weren’t for my already well established notoriety online I’d be tempted but I’m trying to dissolve that guy for good. This is why you haven’t seen a Cheesecake Factory comment on Greenville foodies in two years.

All I’m saying is take a closer look at the inspections before you harshly judge. You already know the local media will use loud words to sensationalize it. They get it from their big brother media.

You know I’m going to find a way to bash the news outlets.

Any way I’m not getting fined $800 this time around. I can assure you’d hear all about it if I did.

Ya damn treaders

Cheers to no cockroaches and salmonella.