2021 will always be labeled as a not so fun year for me. I’ve never paid attention to the amount of alcohol I’ve consumed per year but I’d probably put that year as the top for empty vodka bottles. I was a mess. In my head any significance of a professional future was gone. I was making some charcuterie boxes from my home and melting my brains while building out a trailer for hotdogs at Birds Fly South. I got hot enough to toss my cookies inside the trailer and a week later some asshat would bust out my windows and my sad ass sat outside and cried for a good half hour. I lost money trying to sell hotdogs. One day we’d sell 50 and then sell 6 the weekend. My little charcuterie menu at Birds had tanked. As Greenville often does the first week announcement of my collaboration with Birds was met with enthusiasm and fizzled out quickly. When things don’t go my way the only person I put the blame on is me and he was getting alot of blaming that year.

I’m my biggest critic.

And then some.

My home was being torn down by my self destruction.

I’ve burned a lot of that summer out of my head. I don’t like to revisit some of the things that passed through my mind.

Struggle is a ruthless bitch.

Depression is her best friend.

Humility is painful but necessary.

I had reached my teetering point. They say you can find salvation when you hit this point.

I can’t tell you much about this day 6 years ago. I can’t recall much of the first 7 months of 2021 to be honest.

But I know this day very well.

I’m drawn to this day.

Someone inside of me had a long walk and talk with me. There’s no significance to this date other than someone else decided to start talking to me that day.

The guy that told me I’d stop drinking soon. Oh man we fought that day. I laughed my ass off that jive ass turkey.

“Stop drinking? Do you see where my mind is right now? I’m still drunk from the night before”

The other guy- “You’ll know when it’s time to stop”

“Doubtful. I no longer have any intention of slowing down anymore”

“Soon”

Me – “fuck off”

Other – “once you stop your life will change”

“Bet”

And then nothing.

Me- “yeah that’s what I thought”

That voice went away for awhile

But

He left a little light on in my head.

It pissed me off. I didn’t ask for this constant light to shine in the back of my mind.

Shine on you crazy diamond by Floyd is playing in my headphones.

The little lamp stayed in the back of my mind. It would make me think things like

Slow things down Chad

Be quiet

Let the quiet speak to you

So I said fuck it. And I shut up talking to myself for a bit.

My birthday rolled around and that little light said “this is the last one” and I took that to mean I’d probably be dead before my next one but it only meant it was my last drunken birthday celebration.

I know this day like it’s my birthday. No I didn’t wake up and blow out a candle. I didn’t look at my calendar yesterday and think “tomorrow is the big day”

I woke up, made some coffee and stretched my feet on my coffee table.

And

The light in my head -“good morning”

Me- “it was today wasn’t it.”

Light – *smiles

Me- “hey friend, I never had a chance to say thank you. So thanks and big hugs. Never thought I’d be able to do this”

Light – “told you”

I’d posted a quote on this day 6 years ago. I don’t remember posting it which is no surprise during that era but I read it for the first time in 6 years this morning after my conversation with my little friend.

Life has an amazing way of reconnecting when you’re healing.

“invent yourself and then reinvent yourself,
don’t swim in the same slough.

invent yourself and then reinvent yourself
and
stay out of the clutches of mediocrity.

invent yourself and then reinvent yourself,
change your tone and shape so often that they can
never
categorize you.

reinvigorate yourself and
accept what is
but only on the terms that you have invented
and reinvented.

be self-taught.

and reinvent your life because you must;
it is your life and
its history
and the present
belong only to
you.”

• Bukowski