I walked back into the guest bedroom in our old home with my old notebook I used for writing menu notes and manager meeting points and sat down on the floor. I slowly tore out all the pages with past notes and recipes. It wasn’t much I always forgot my notebook for meetings and would buy another one on the way in. I probably had a dozen notebooks with three or four pages of notes at the most. I rarely looked back at them unless it was for a new menu or concept. I sat on the old carpet in that back room for a bit and cried. It was early morning, most likely hungover I had locked the door behind me to insure some privacy. I

It was September 30th, 2020. I was newly unemployed after parting ways with my company I founded 8 years before. I was completely lost, my mind filled with self destructive thoughts and boy was it angry also.

Pen in hand I opened that freshly shredded notebook and wrote- “you need to slow down”

I wrote it over and over again

“you need to slow down”

“you need to slow down”

“you need to slow down”

I filled the entire page with that repetition.

“you need to slow down”

I looked down at what I wrote. A look of indifference on my face. An almost questionable expression as I reread what I wrote. Handwriting all over the place, my hands were still shaking from drinking the night before.

“you need to slow down”

That’s all I wrote. I closed the notebook, shoved it under some assorted clothes in the bottom dresser drawer reserved for seasonal clothes and never looked at it again. The thought was discarded as quickly as the sentences were written. I have no idea where that notebook is today. Most likely tossed out during our move the following few months. The notebook itself holds no value to me whatsoever.

But

What I wrote at that moment will always hold the most value and significance of where my life would begin its new trajectory.

You see, I didn’t write that. I did not write

“you need to slow down”

My hand did. My eyes witnessed it and my memory will serve the statement that “Chad wrote this”

But I didn’t.

That was the first time I met him.

Met who?

Me

The future me. That’s who

I never wrote that sentence. I looked down at my notebook thinking “why the fuck did I write this out?”

“you need to slow down”

I shrugged my shoulders, wiped my tears off my cheek and put on my “I’m fine” mask as I walked back out of the room. What I had written was quickly discarded, I had a box of old work t-shirts on my mind that had to be thrown away in my company’s dumpster (I was petty for quite a while)

I never saw that notebook again but I can close my eyes and see that one page I filled with the same lines over and over again like I had wrote it seconds ago. Ink still wet. As quickly as I discarded the message and notebook after I wrote it never left my mind.

Like a small tattoo you forget about until you see it in a full length mirror, I get occasional reminders. It’s the future me touching base. It’s taken me years to realize this and a hundred dozen trajectories that highlight my path to my future self.

When you read my journaling about my work and future it’s not that I’m lost, I’m only listening who’s speaking to me. I’m waiting for the next chapter to be released.

Auto writing comes to me at times. I recognize who it is now.

This isn’t mystical. Time is irrelevant. There’s an infinite number of paths I can choose or have already chosen for my own future. A lot of whispers. I’m listening for clarity not murmurs. I’ve devoted hours of meditation for stillness, focus, shadow work, regulation and integration.

I listen. I don’t get it or nail it every time but I hear it. I observe it.

“you need to slow down”

I didn’t get the automatic writing thing until one day as I was journaling my typing announced “your reckoning is over”. I still get chills when I read that. Have you ever had someone or something express themselves out of you? It’s a wild ride.

“your reckoning is over”

My future self letting me know enough is enough. “You’ve done your time, let’s move on.”

Same person. Same one that turned the light on in the back of my mind to tell me that my drunk days were coming to an end.

Me -“whatever dude we’ve been down this road before”

The light “you’ll quit when you’re ready”

Tom Petty Learning to Fly is on my headphones I swear to god when you’re listening things will speak to you. Excuse me while I pause and listen for 4:40 minutes.

“Now some say life

Will beat you down

And it’ll break your heart

Steal your crown

So I started out

For god knows where

But I guess I’ll know

When I get there”

*wipes away a tear

If you know you know.

I’m learning to fly

I’m not chasing my future self. I’m resonating with it. I’m following the attraction riding the current.

Integrating

I’m listening to me. The present me will guide my future. I ripped my rearview mirror off about a year ago. Hell you can’t even see out of my truck’s rearview anymore how somewhat prophetic.

You see

I’ve begun to slow things down.

Because I told myself to years ago. That’s why it’s still fresh in my mind because I just caught up to it. I’m writing it as we speak.

It was me, here now at this moment.

I’m catching up to that person I’m meant to be.

I’ve slowed things down

And it’s beautiful.