I had a decent day at the deli yesterday. Not the best Saturday ever but not the worst. In my head I play “guess your sales total today” when I walk into work and it landed right around what I expected or just a tad under. In comparison to the rest of the week it was decent. Lunch has been slow as was the charcuterie orders up until Saturday. April is a slower month for me. It’s hot and cold. It’s one of the reasons I choose April as a travel month. Same goes for September although the possibility of late summer weddings always helps.

The deli is still odd to me with my forecasts. It does what it wants when it wants. I have little control over the flow other than maintaining consistency and I’m pretty darn good at that by now.

After 3ish I was able to sit for a bit and take a break. I had little activity on social media earlier, it was one of my take a break from scrolling mornings I do every other day. I opened up my memories on fb and reread what I had written a year ago today. I had titled it “One hour of gratitude”. I journaled while filled with my feels. I was venting in a therapeutic way but while reading I could feel my teeth grinding on the other side. I was writing out my frustrations to get them out. Work had been a ghost town that week. I was deep in the dumps. I could feel the pain of the author. Deep empathy towards his worry. I knew exactly where my head was when I wrote it. If you read it you would think I was in control but I was writing to gain control of myself. Often times my writing reflects my mood of that day or an entire week. This was a week one.

I read it again and I smiled.

I smiled because this too had been a slow week as was the week before.

But

I’m more regulated and relaxed.

Im growing.

I’ve spent the last year or so reprogramming my brain and my looping behaviors.

My reactions to situations

My attitude towards situations that take me out of my comfort zone.

Deleting old parts that no longer fit me. Some focus on their physical appearance, gym time, cardio, diet. Sure I do that too I’ve been going to the gym since I was old enough to drive to one. I eat decent I can’t be a fat dude that walks around in 5in inseam shorts everywhere.

I’ve been focused on some mental marathon training. Strengthening my nervous system, reducing my anxieties, shitting on my stress.

Growth

To read an old journal entry and witness your progress first hand is a good reason to smile.

And I did

Meditation, the shit works. Shadow work, shit works.

Letting shit go

Works

I’ve spent the last year taking my hands off the steering wheel

My foot off the gas pedal.

I love that scene in Dances With Wolves where Kevin Costner, in despair with the thought of losing his leg, parades himself in front of the confederate soldiers. Closes his eyes while galloping on his horse, hands in the air, giving himself up to everything.

That’s the vibe I’m trying to give back to life.

Riding that horse. Eyes closed but with a smile.

Growth

I love witnessing it firsthand

This is my daily devotion to myself.

And it’s working

If I go through my memories I rarely go back more than 6 years because it feels like I’m reading a perspective from another person once I hit 2020. I smile sometimes and other times I wince.

“I remember that guy”

I said the same thing when I read my blog from last year -“ I remember that guy”

Growth

I’m heading to my old hood for a walk. I miss my N main walks. After my walk I’m taking my mountain bike up to Hwy 11. No camping this week but I’m going to make breakfast by a little lake up there and read on my tailgate. Maybe a nap.

Growth

Cheers