Anytime I begin to write I’ll stare at the “add title” prompt at the top left corner and decide on my subject for the morning. Some mornings the title will steer the subject matter other times I’ll title it after I’ve finished. There have been several cases where I’ll start writing and it’ll become a jumbled mess and sit in my drafts for good.

Journaling purgatory.

I’ll wake up at 4:30 with a story in my head and I’ll have to get up and start my morning so I don’t forget about the subject. I used to write about rants for a bit. For a solid year I did deli write ups but one morning my brain told me I think about business too much and I stopped cold on the turkey. I no longer live and breathe work.

I had a good download session last night while counting my sheep before bed. If you read my blogs I touched base the other day on how vacations can begin to rewire your brain into a new identity for yourself if you allow it enter and hang out for a bit. This vibe tuned into my life while I stargazed in New Mexico. I stared into the skyline for over an hour, a giant circuit board of galaxies, pulsing, scattering little bits of light of cosmic synapses.

Soulful downloads

Downloads come in different speeds. Some are overnight, I’ll wake up with an epiphany in my head thinking “the fuck did that thought come from?” It’s usually a new perspective, something that may cause me to pause and reflect, rethink about how I’ve handled certain situations my entire life.

Example

I’m the type when I come home from work to spew all of my negative interactions of my day to my wife as soon as I walk in the door. Not towards her but someone to help absorb my stress. “Here’s some negative shit I need help carrying around for the rest of the evening”.

For the longest time I thought I was only sharing my thoughts and feelings about some negative vibes I had all day. One day not too long ago during a little session of stillness my mind tells me I should be more focused on protecting my wife’s energy. My eyebrow raised as I told myself that I’m stealing her energy by projecting my negative thoughts towards her. That popped into my head the other day as I was exhaling all of my negative power points onto her after work. I looked at her face and watched it tense up. I watched her shoulders tighten and then slump.

I have negative thoughts everyday. My mind doesn’t necessarily revolve around them most days, generally I’m an easy going person until I’m not but when I’ve got a shitty thought in my head I always felt the need to share it with my wife. Not as an attack but more as unloading a weighted plate off my chest onto hers. “Here’s gimme a hand with this vibe”

As a couple of almost 20 years it’s important to open up to each other. I don’t throw only negativity towards her when it comes to my day she’s the first person that gets a screenshot of a 5 star review or my elation when I get a large catering. It’s not all negative but the pendulum definitely swings more toward the negative.

I’m aware of it. I’m making adjustments as a result.

Little downloads

Others come slow. They are already in your mind or soul and are slowly coming of age. Almost like growing your hair out. You have to be patient, you have to maintain your course of actions over time. This is what I’m dealing with at the moment. I felt a trajectory of transition while coming home from Utah. Felt it slowly coming into awareness.

Because that’s exactly what it is

Awareness

I wrote about it to help capture it. As I’ve mentioned before the downloads are readily available but you have to tune into them and hold still.

Be still on the inside

Tune out the distractions and distortions

Break the old looping patterns that previously defined you.

It’s that simple and yet it’s ridiculously hard to hold that sequence until it sticks. Your brain doesn’t like change of routine.

At first

I felt a healthy download last night. Difficult to describe in words and not shareable only because it’s mental molding of clay reshaping if I can allow it to. May’s a busy month for me. Hard to hold onto new things in my head while still going through the motions.

If I’m not making sense I get it. This one is for me to write out so I can hold onto it. Writing helps things stick to me. One hour of focus every morning makes good things sticky.

The stickiest of the ickies

My brain just goes “here’s what you could do” and I have to sit still a bit and listen. Like a short class at school.

Take some notes

Pay attention

Absorb and hope it sticks. Not every download sticks around

Sometimes your memory is full of thoughts that need to go into the recycling bin.

Let it go

That’s been the plan after my reckoning.

Let

Shit

Go

When I allow myself to sit still for 20 minutes at a time my mind and body start to solve little equations on its own. Your soul has its own built in AI. Except it’s just “I” honestly.

I = U

Soul intelligence. SI

All you have to do is give yourself a timeout on a consistent basis. Sit still, eyes open or closed it doesn’t matter. Turn everything off. Your soul is speaking to you all the time you can’t hear it because of all the noise. Sometimes I’ll drive a 100 miles to find the silence of peace but most of the time it’s right in front of me.

Like right now.

☮️