Costco is a dispensary for NPCs. Watch the blank stares of the customers. You can activate them by engaging with them or bumping their carts

Publix, you’re guaranteed someone over 75 years of age walking out in the middle of the automatic doors .2 miles an hour with their shopping cart and two paper bags. They won’t make eye contact with you they are already searching blindly for their car that’s parked 6 feet from the building = NPC

Also same store, same person when entering will stop in the middle of the doorway to bath their cart 🛒 handle in sanitizer wipes. They will detail it like a 57 Chevy bel air.

^^NPC

If you walk into a grocery store to obtain one thing in the produce aisle say like a small bunch of cilantro, as soon as you head to that display you will automatically be blocked by two customers who will mingle in front of your produce reach zone and have a discussion about Brenda’s best casserole recipe. 2 NPCs

If they aren’t around to deter your daily produce routine then your local grocery store will employ someone to stand there and straighten the cucumbers to perfect alignment- NPC

Real quick – stop stocking cilantro and parsley right next to each other. I tire of scratch and sniff when no one is looking.

Stop stocking rock hard avocados. I don’t have my shit together well enough to buy an avocado on Tuesday in hopes that it’s finally going to be soft enough for guacamole Thursday at 5:56pm. No I’m not putting it in a paper bag reread what I just said about having my shit together. I don’t eat avocado toast I’m hoping to buy a house with my savings.

Blindly go down random grocery store lanes to fool the NPCs. If you go out of order they’ll have to reboot and shuffle. If you don’t then by the time you reach the canned meat aisle (what in the actual fuck can we find a better name for this?) you’ll have two grocery carts parallel parked in the center with two wide hipped single mothers and their posse of free range children coughing on both sides like a germ aerosol.

Back to Costco

When all the lines are backed up you’ll have Cynthia trying to cut through all the lines to get to self checkout with her patio palm tree and tub of organic gluten free chicken salad. She won’t ask she’ll slowly slide her cart in between you and the next customer with that awkward expression only Cynthia can maintain. You ever notice the same people who won’t merge until the last minute when a lane is closed on the highway are the same that will try to merge into register line traffic right at the register. Never mind the line is as far back as the raw pecans display. My buggy is within butt sniffing distance of the NPC in front of me. YE SHALL NOT MERGE

Worst congested areas in Costco

1. At the entrance when people walk in and decide to stare at the 176in flat screen tv display. “Oh Matlock is on the movie screen!”
2. The seasonal display where the NPCs will press a button to make the spooky skeleton DJ dance to thriller. In July
3. Vitamin aisle? I won’t walk in that area. You’ll be herded to maintain the average speed of a one legged zombie. You’ll have elderly NPCs pushing carts with one bottle of discounted geritol and four cases of Ensure. 95% chance they have an open wound on their forehead or a gauze pad around their forearm . Or OR they’re waiting to reset by the pharmacy with their 4 in thick skiing sunglasses and cane.
4. I don’t know who needs to hear this but the last fucking thing I want to do while I’m trying to leave with $400 worth of groceries and dry goods is to have a conversation about my HVAC system with the one guy wearing a blue button up shirt that seems to be the universal dress code for hvac salespeople. I almost typed out salesman omfg the rage that might’ve caused. I have never witnessed one person actually talking to that sales person, human, individual, carbon breathing unit.

I had an NPC try to sign their name on my deli clover device while it was pointed toward me.

The amount of energy I use to troll boomers when they try to use tap on my register is ridiculous. Listen, I get it. Technology confounds me. Why do you think I married a younger woman to help assist me with hard things like finding my tv shows on that god forsaken fire stick. Or how to send files on my phone. I can’t tell you what half the buttons in my truck actually do.

Speaking of my truck I’m overdue for an oil change but I’m procrastinating because I know my air filter is old. That means another point of transaction I don’t feel like dealing with. Ever go to the dealership for an oil change? You’ll get a barrage of texts while you wait giving up updates on other caregiving your car could really use.

“Hey I know you’re only here for an oil change but it’s time for a transmission fluid flush. Also your windshield wipers are only at about 46 percent wiping capabilities.”

“Your distributor cap hasn’t been dusted. It’s supposed to be detailed every 11,500 miles. We can knock that out for you for an additional $65”

“Your exhaust system needs to be chimney swept every 36,000 miles. We are having a sale right now. We can clean it out and give your exhaust pipe a good tim job for an additional $200”

I had a salesman come to me to let me know my brakes only had 33% pad left. 33%. I asked him if he only finished 67% of his food before he threw his plate away and looked at me strange and said “um no.” I said good because these brakes still have about 30% more braking to go before they break.

I thought it was funny.

My last visit I went in for a $90 oil change by the time I had tallied all the suggested mechanical updates the sum was $3500. My truck has 50k miles on it. I did get new wipers though

Also it’s a little uncomfortable when they beg you to give a 5 star review.

They

Beg

You

I know why I get it and I always do but let’s not make it awkward please.

I haven’t seen my neighbor outside for days. Fingers crossed I missed the funeral