Your brainwaves change when you stop your self pickling habits. I imagine an EKG of electrical activity to monitor quick intervals of savage segments of the little blip going up and down up and down up and down. Like a heart beating at 199 bpm. Mine gets close to this when I used to run up Paris. My brain functions emotionally the same way. Much worse in my drinking days. Now that I’ve cut out some terrible habits my emotions will still spike but they come down much faster. I had a little episode Wednesday that spiked quite high but I came down and landed safely. I’m better at acknowledging these episodes now and another positive is I recognize them as I’m in its vortex.

Sharing helps. It’s like letting go of a balloon that’s been tied to your wrist all day.

Years ago I would sit in the cockpit for the ride spinning round and round not knowing I was in a downward spiral. Alcohol kept my emotions numb. They were still there I just never reckoned with them.

The outbursts are still hard to deal with but at least I’m in the present to wrangle them when they try to wreck everything. For years I could feel all of these emotions raging inside of me and it scared me because I thought they made me dangerous and intolerable. They definitely made me intolerable. It made me want to leave my family so I wouldn’t hurt them emotionally.

Self destruction is a ridiculous path that too many of us glamorize. Stop bragging about it. It’s like a polyester suit that will never fit your shoulders correctly. A bad haircut that you keep getting because you’re afraid to hurt the barber’s feelings.

Yeah I still get them. They’ll never go away. It’s like that nagging injury that you have to always be aware of when over extending yourself. Like my hamstring. Every once in awhile I’ll trip over a root hiking or running and my right hamstring will remind me that I pissed it off 30 years ago. Just enough to scare the shit out of me.

Brain injuries are weird man. You can’t put bandaids on them. Bactine and Neosporin don’t do a damn thing. Depression doesn’t dissolve but you can dilute it with living the healthiest, happiest life you can conjure up. That’s been my motivation for the last 3 years.

Throwing away the vodka didn’t heal my brain. It’s done some irreversible damage to my mind over the years, I have no doubt. Physically I’ve healed quite a bit. My body hurts quite a bit from years of working in the industry but it’s more like a sturdy old wooden bridge. It may make a lot of noise when you drive over it but it can still hold its weight. When I’m working I’m full of energy. Sometimes too much.

I’ll always have some permanent reminders of my drinking days but I’ve managed to dilute quite a bit. Working in this deli brings back a lot of the old me and I have to put him in the corner sometimes. As long as I don’t reward him with Stoli he will stay down.

There’s nothing to worry about. My legacy means much more to me than that 750ml retail container . The more I go without it the easier it is. There are still triggers but I manage to fight em off.

Long hours on my feet

Chaotic environment

Stress

Employee comradery

This were triggers. Still are.

I worked 13 hours yesterday and my brain was starving for some alcoholic attention. She’s such a bitch sometimes.

She got ice cream instead. It’s never good enough for her. 974 days without vodka or any liquor and she still wants it. At least she’s quieter about it.

The alcohol always put a chip on my shoulder. I wanted to be successful to piss off all the haters.

Who were they? I’m not so sure anymore. At that time I thought they were everywhere.

Watching me. Waiting for me to fall.

And boy did I.

Hard

But

There was no crowd of haters cheering and clapping for my collapse it was just me hating on myself. Its easier with assumed company so I think I made a lot of it up. Don’t get me wrong there’s a healthy amount of folk that I have rubbed the wrong way over time. I used to try to. Alcohol had a big hand in that too.

It’s different now. I was discussing this with a friend recently.

People are pulling for me.

People are counting on me.

I get random folk I’ve never met that will come in and tell me they’ve been watching my reckoning.

Watching my new business birth.

How proud they are of me. I don’t know who a lot of you are but it chokes me up.

It makes me smile.

I say all the time if you do something you’re proud of wear it with pride. I’ve worked hard at changing my legacy. Like sculpting a new likeness of myself from a boulder 10 miles up a mountain.

Little by little step by step. Still have a lot of carving to do.

For years now couldn’t grasp what life would be like without my daily numbing buzz. Now I can’t imagine it still holding that crutch that held up nothing but a false feeling of euphoria. I might as well of shoved a needle in my arm.

Life is smoother now. It’s just as rewarding knowing you’re making people smile with good food and philosophy.