Bearded Gang

I was writing a fairly long blog touching base on vibration and frequencies but I put it down for a little while simply because my mind told me to. When I come across new things and ideas they are like toys to me. When I get them I can’t put them down. I’m slightly obsessive until I become too obsessed and then I burn it out of existence. Some will stick to me forever like an appendage is supposed to, others slowly fade away like my hairline did. My mind is in a mad dash and flurry of wide open happenstances and trail markers.

When I semi retired from restauranteur paradise (heavy HEAVY sarcasm) I made a deal with this guy currently typing that he needed to go find himself. I had no map, no navigation, no education hell I hadn’t read a book without pictures or wasn’t made into an action movie in a decade.

I had no clue. Late 2020 I was a broke man, broke spirit, broke ass ideology.

I spent the first year of my journey in a downward spiral of self destruction and vodka. Little did I know that my journey required me to walk back down the hill that I had climbed for 30 years, take off my shoes and start all over again.

I did not want to

I wanted to walk back to my car in the parking lot and swig from my favorite brand of vodka.

Change can happen at the drop of a hat. Acceptance and gratitude can be a like a line at the DMV. It took a bit for me to understand the trail markers lighting my path. I missed quite a few along the way. A few? I almost fell off the freaking moutain.

All it took was a random text from one of the two most important people in my life. I kept that text to myself for almost 4 years. I kept it close to my heart because it was a talisman. I didn’t want to share it. It wasn’t time. Some sort of distant divinity said let it go it’s time. When I shared that info with this particular person just recently it felt like a big stone wall fell down in front of me and light breeze hit my soul.

The last bit of that crunchy, stale ass Chad blew away.

Love truly conquers all.

Feels like my ship is coming in. My mind did a little reset. It’s a had a few but this one seemed like the heaviest. I’ve been waiting for my real life to begin *cue Colin Hay’s beautiful melody.

That first year was a rough one. I wanted to heal immediately but my journey had other things in mind. I had to be stripped down. I didn’t do any of this deliberately y’all. Self destruction comes naturally here.

After the summer of 2021 things started to ping. Turning 50 seemed to be a valid process in my soul. It changed my thinking. I stopped thinking forward and started looking behind me. They always say never look behind you but that’s just silly. Sometimes you need to look behind you to see how far you’ve come along the way.

Pick up the litter you left behind.

Perspective is paramount.

When I turned 50 and I looked behind me and saw the 49.99999999999 year old me standing directly behind. I winked at him and started my 4mph uphill cadence I used to climb table rock in one hour. I left him in the dirt. The old Chad was a hard head. He kept pace with me for awhile. I knew the day I turned 50 a reckoning was coming. On 9/5/21 I made the decision to stop drinking. It took three months to comply. Old Chad was indeed a hard head.

I’ve talked many of your ears off about my bout with the bottle. This journey of mine would’ve abruptly stopped had I not put it down. Absolutely no doubt in my mind. I’ve said it 1000 times you’re the only person on this planet that can make yourself stop drinking.

You are your own divinity

I manifested my place in line. I’m not going back.

Life is beautiful without the bottle.

I went full scale Walden for about three years. I immersed myself in nature. I hugged trees (still do. Once you start you can’t stop), cried at sunrises, meditated by fiery pits and dangled my feet over ridges. I consumed as much free oxygen from those trees that are no longer there. I spent so much time in those mountains that I can tell you with absolute certainty they are still weeping from the hurricane. It made me so sad I went back home for a bit.

Also am I the only one that thinks the sky had never looked the same since?

I’m currently obsessed with frequencies and vibrations which also is why music is hitting me different now.

5 years ago on this day i was assembling 900 pork belly sliders for an Euphoria event downtown. I had already checked out of SCHPG (my restaurant group) in my mind. I’d be physically pushed out in another 5 months.

3 years ago I was on the road to Sedona hell bent on finding my own vortex.

And I did. This was real euphoria I didn’t find it on a plate of food.

Today I’m blogging about frequencies, planet alignment and spirituality. Building my own manifestation guide.

Trail markers are wild

Life is wild. I found myself apologizing to a hawk yesterday for cutting its home down in my yard.

I had something mentally shake me while camping on the island. I’m keeping it to myself right now, my intuition is telling me to keep a lot including finding a random note in a book that said “be silent” amongst other things I took to heart. The episode I encountered was enough to make me question if I almost died.

“I don’t think I’m ready for this. I’m not the right person for what you’re trying to show me”

Whatever the vibe was it was indifferent to my worries

Random

I came across the Schumann resonance upon chance the other day. I’m not smart enough to explain what it is a lot of it seems to be subjected to what you may believe in. Some triggering key words such as resets and timeline compressions can make you flinch. I enjoy reading on theories of resets, blips in our timeline and multi dimensional mind f#%*s. (I had a small reckoning with how language and tone can affect vibrations)

It’s a fun 🐛 🐇 holes to fall into. I’m throwing a lot new ideas into my mental notebooks. I’ve had my nose up my rear end for a long time. I’m searching for something that I can’t describe at the moment. Every day I feel like I’m progressing forward. I do take breaks in between to allow my brain to filter out the BS dust that gets in there too. You can get too caught up in theories and get completely absorbed. I’ve had to ground myself quite a few times so I don’t cover my dome with foil.

But

There’s

So

Much

Out

There

To explore

I’m in my 50’s yall. I’m allowed to chase dreams now I’ve freaking earned it. If I deserve any entitlement it’s just that and only that.

During this Schumann resonance that’s going off the charts at the moment, I went to my meditation chamber 🛌 put my nightly playlist on it’s the same playlist I go to every single night the only variations are I shuffle the music I don’t listen to it in order of display. I only listen to these songs at this time should they come on any other time of the day I skip over them. I know these songs maybe better than the artists who wrote and sang them. 6 plus months of this nightly playlist. At the moment it’s 17 songs I occasionally add another one when I find the right one. The music has nothing to do with memories or people associated with the songs. I add them for the harmony, the melody. My brain only says “this works”.

Some I vibe too much better than others. Some will come on and I’ll smile even though I hear them every night even in my sleep.

My playlist was different last night. Same songs

Same playlist

But

Each song had changed in it’s own way.

What do you mean Chad?

I backspace a lot when I talk about these things because I’m not a fan of straight jackets. My rotator cuffs are ruined.

In no particular order I’ll share what I heard last night, briefly

One song I vibe too the lyrics changed. Every. Single. One. The name of the song remained the same although it wasn’t mentioned until towards the end.

It was Natural Beauty by Neil Young. Don’t ask me what the lyrics were I can’t tell you one single lyric now but this song is one of my favorites. Harvest Moon could actually be my favorite album and I’m not that big of a Young fan. But this album has slapped me for 30 years. The song I heard last night was that same exact song but different.

Why?

Another song played like a remix. It was extended.

Another had a woman singing in it. There’s no woman 100 miles within this song.

Others weren’t quite as obvious, one the singer’s twang seemed exaggerated and almost like the song had slowed down. Another didn’t enunciate each word that was supposed to rhyme with the next.

One sounded like it was being recorded live as I listened to it.

I had a steak with fries for dinner last night. Maybe the garlic butter was laced with something..

In my mind I can’t help but think it was something else.

The best thing about beliefs and perspectives are you can have and enjoy your own without it bothering someone else.

It just that easy

I’ve put my butt in a sling the last three or four weeks. My experience at Hunting Island changed me. Don’t ask me to explain I’m incapable at the moment and my hands are starting to get tired of typing. I’ve been rewiring my brain to recognize positivity and embrace it. Ever try to rewire your brain? It’s exhausting. I’ve almost walked into walls, I’m losing stuff all the time my mental status is consumed with note talking and reading trail markers. Trail markers are just my subconscious helping a brother out. I realized just last night that I have long conversations with my subconscious while I meditate. The music is my doorway.

My meditation takes me elsewhere I have no doubt. Music starts my journey.

Music lyrics highlight in your mind when you’re here. Anyone use Apple play? It could be the only reason why I still embrace my phone. Ever watch the lyrics as the song plays? It rolls slowly and the words highlight as it plays along with the song.

That’s what my mind does with certain songs. When I’m walking in the morning I sort of go into a meditative mode. Music is just background melodies until a particular lyric comes along and my brain captures it and highlights it. It’s not the song itself necessarily but just the one message in the song, or chorus or maybe it’s just the intro vibrating into my soul.

Music is an entirely different vice to me now. If you were to take any of my senses away leave my hearing. I’ve seen enough. I can still feel a sunrise on my face.

I’ll go further on my rewiring when I’m ready. It’s already affecting my family and that’s why I do it.

Random but relevant. My charcuterie sales are poop this week. I answered one phone call and just like that I hit my quota. I refer to these people as my guardian angels. Last week I was struggling with positivity I had a lapse. This week I kept saying it’ll come Gangwer don’t slide and it did.

I’m not selling courses yall I’m following trail markers

Last night after I ended my mediation and removed all of my buffers and blinders and commited to sleep. Sleep had been difficult this week I normally sleep like a baby. A thought shot through my head like an arrow, randomly. In no words it told me I was already rich.

“Stop seeking your prize. You won’t win the lottery

Stop chasing what’s not yours to have

Your daughter is your is your prize you have all you need”

I cried myself to sleep. It was an amazing cry

I’m on a heck of a ride y’all.

I had posted something on fb the other day lightly expressing that I felt a shift in myself and my surroundings. Amazingly only a few pushed it a little but it remained somewhat positive or at least mildly acknowledged as opposed to crass comments that seem to be the norm nowadays.

I’ve been absorbing a few things in my downtime in my noggin. Nothing too alternative or unusual I introduced myself into frequencies and vibrations a while back for meditation. Can’t say I introduced myself it’s more like we ran into each other. Sort of like those old Reese’s commercials “you got your chocolate in my peanut butter! You got your peanut butter in my chocolate!” When I started implementing music and frequency levels into my nightly routine I could slowly feel my body wanting to levitate from it’s resting place. Not in the literal sense but let’s check back on that one. Jk.

Sorta

I’m in no way promoting levitation or any sort of mystical arts. I’m not speaking in tongues or going off the deep end. I’m cognisant to the point of hyper awareness of my own self. I’m only relaxed to the point of feeling weightlessness. Also if you are close-minded person I’ll add that I was too. Was being the key word.

You can call me lazy or maybe my approach may go against how some want to experience new ideas but I sort of reverse things I study. Whatever that’s suppose to me is I indulge myself into so new experiences for a bit and then I’ll analyze myself during and after. I’m not much of researching ideas at first I prefer to jump into the water to see how cold and deep it is. You can write about how cold and deep it is or even write a dissertation about it my lazy butt is going to go out and check it myself. If it were my first time ever hearing about a body of water and it’s varying degrees I wouldn’t be able to grasp exactly what you’re writing about without experiencing it. My reading comprehension is terrible. I’m a don’t read instructions guy. Not because I’m handy, it’s because I miss manage words I read. I’ve always been this way my high school GPA will reflect it. I don’t bake because the recipes are too exact. It’ll take me a few tried because I miss words.

A lot

Same goes for any woodworking projects. I’ll just build what I need out of my head. No blueprint no nothin. The end result is very predictable. I usually pay someone to fix it. But hey at least I gave it a shot. Not all of my projects fail but if someone asks me to build one for them it’s like the technology they used to land on the moon.

I can’t make it again.

Joking aside I’ve applied this to my three year reckoning with alcohol and mental health. All this means is I want to experience everything organically without some sort of periodical or outside study to influence my feelings or reactions. I’ve never looked up the benefits of cutting alcohol out or how your body repairs itself during this process. I jumped into the water to find out for myself and only then do I focus on how it’s affected my physical and mental health. This is in no way to dissuade anyone from researching the benefits of sobriety I’d encourage it for all of you. Especially if you suffer from withdrawals. It can be dangerous. For the first two weeks all I was concerned about was my chemical make up putting me into cardiac arrest. I’m still here so we good.

I like to write about how sobriety has changed my body, mind, mental health, family and ego without outside influence. That’s all. I don’t want to look up an article and think “that’s what I must be experiencing” I want to absorb it in my own way. It’s like the reverse of going on WebMD and looking up symptoms. That’s literally all it means.

I like surprises

You can easily go back and look at some of my posts about my recovery and compare it to a medical essay and it would probably run parallel to it’s results. I’m not in anyway discounting medical journals or research. I’m not trying to surgically repair a torn ankle ligament or diagnose a mole turning blue on my neck. I’m living my experiences and rewards from negating the bad things and journaling it. As stated previously it would run parallel to others experiencing the same thing I have no doubt. This is my own personal journal of recovery. Undisturbed by outside medical affiliation.

I’m slowly implementing the same process and experience with vibrations and frequencies. I’m all in my feels with instincts and intuitions at the moment. I’m traveling into some uncharted territory that I’ve never experienced or even tried up until I became attached to these headphones and how they’ve benefited my focus at times.

I involve certain frequencies with my meditations and walks. I have playlist of songs that harmonize with my night time routines when I “pre close” my evening. My normal routine now that I have some control over my work schedule is I lay down for bed between 8:30-9pm, I have my headphones on and a light blocker for my eyes and I set my playlist for whatever mood I’m trying to extinguish my day with. I allocate up to 30 minutes a night for this routine. I have no game plan as to what I want to think about I allow my mind to wander in its own backyard. No fence lines, no boundaries or neighbors. I close my eyes and say to myself “let’s go”

This practice enables me to go back in time (in my head) and address some childhood things I didn’t understand and or make peace with some memories that been unlocked. I can conjure up some amazing locked up memories implementing this routine. It’s not why I started doing this. It started out as enjoying some music as I decompressed for the evening. Over weeks and months I’ve been able to manipulate my subconscious just a tiny fraction. That tiny fraction helps me rewire my thinking process and release a lot of negative energy that I carry around. If you aren’t a student or believer of harnessing energy I get it, I used to think that was too progressive and or a hippie ish way of not dealing with reality.

Imagine making peace with a memory or memories that you’ve carried around for decades. It allows you to rewrite your history in your mind. It’s not like you’re erasing time. You can’t change what happened but you can focus on it’s effect. It’s truly remarkable. I’ve sought out a lot of old experiences out of my mental attic, took them out of the boxes, dusted them off, relabeled them and sent them to goodwill.

Dust them off? I take each one and study them through a different perspective, I have more gratitude in my heart now and it changes how you perceive things. Gratitude is the crème de la creme y’all. I’ve made peace with things that have stuck in my mental craw for decades. It’s nothing more than a little self hypnosis but it found me.

A peaceful, personal proclamation

I may have been carrying around some heavy luggage for years. May have? I know I have and each time I take some time to wrangle with it in a controlled setting I create a manageable file that I can later send to the recycle bin to allow more storage for better thoughts and vibes. I’ve put a lot of old files in the trash.

When you do this the weight of a thousand backpacks are lifted off your shoulders.

Imagine a childhood or adult trauma that just wrecked your day/week/month/ year and stuck to your brain like a barnacle. It’s like a 3D scar on your forehead that only you can see. It’s been there the whole time. We all have them. Some of us can shake it off I’m not one of those. So I’ve been taking them on one by one. I don’t go to bed and say to myself “let’s go unfuck Christmas Eve ‘84”. There’s no itinerary they come when they come. Often times I’m just sitting on a ridge watching the sun like a YouTube video.

In my head

Those are good vibes too. I get so deep I can smell the pines, I can smell/feel the dirt under my feet. Sometimes I wonder if I’m actually there.

To each their own. I’m enjoying this ride.

Nighttime is specifically for this. My mind is winding down. My thinking is fragile and exhausted from the day so there are no walls or barriers. Also no distractions I’m in complete darkness surrounded by music I’ve handpicked through it’s melodies and lyrics. If you were to listen to my playlist you wouldn’t hear any high pitches or loud beats. It’s methodical, it’s even.

Morning time meds I’m usually sitting cross legged on my sofa or I lie flat on the floor. I cover my eyes and use a system of hertz to absorb for 10-30 minutes depending on my work schedule. I don’t force it. I take it in when I can. Forcing it seems like it would negate it. For me it’s doing my morning routine and then my body says “let’s do it today.”

I’ll get myself cozy, cover my eyes and start the show. I use Solfeggio frequencies. The ranges are 174 hz to 963 hz. 432 hz being the mean for me. If you take some time to look them up (at this time I’m not gojng to play out each one and break down each benefit, you have the internet for that) there are easy to read charts all over to give you an introduction and instruction. One day I hope to be able to expound but right now I’m booted on the ground taking it in.

Like my other experiences I went in eyes closed (literally) and waited to see if there would be any results other than some morning rest. I don’t “time travel” back in this practice. I feel out my body in my mind. I talk to my brain a little too.

“How’s the body?”

“Are we tired?”

“Where does it hurt?”

“Let’s loosen up those mental joints and stretch”

I purposely set a smile on my face and I try to slowly dim the lights in my head.

I don’t fall asleep and I won’t I have caffeine surging through my bloodstream but I can feel my body trying it’s damndest to level out on the floor. No floating just floor clouding y’all. I relax my mind. Sometimes I’ll focus on manifestion. I’ll write more about that soon. It’s been a wild ride.

What has this done for me? Well first and foremost it allows me rest even though I’ve been asleep all night it’s good for my brain to prepare for the day slowly. Mornings should not be hectic as soon as you wake up. How many of us wake up and immediately get ready for work?

Quit that right now. I get an hour of me time. I’d set an alarm if I had to. When I have to work at 5am during the holidays I’ll get up at 3 some mornings. That one hour for me is paramount.

Morning med benefits

Charcuterie kills the joints in my hands. By Christmas Day I’m up in the morning rubbing my wrists and fingers just so I can finish wrapping presents. No one talks about the beat down your hands take cutting soft cheeses with a knife and folding little circles of meat into angles. I feel like I’ve been playing piano with weighted gloves on during a 12 hour concert. It was getting so bad that I was considering yet another vocation change. Wringing my hands all the way home and into the evening time.

My fingers and wrists no longer hurt.

It doesn’t sound like a big deal but constant pain is no fun. I was dropping utensils and other things because my hands ached so much. It would make me angry. I wasn’t doing these morning meds to combat it. I was following my intuition. And then my mind said “hey try this!”

I call these trail markers *see last blog

Real quick cutting out alcohol also cuts down on your body’s inflammation. My carpel never went away. My hand and joint pain along with my knees suffered greatly. Oh and my Achilles too. Some of this is just plain old man arthritis. I was on my sofa in mid December rubbing my hands with a weird look on my face. I looked up at Jess and said

“My hands..”

She said “what?”

I said “My hands.. they aren’t hurting me right now. I shouldn’t even be able to close my fists. There’s no pain.”

I went over all of my work toiling in my head to see if I had changed anything. Nothing had changed except for the volume of orders had risen. I did more charcuterie this season than any other. I was stumped. The next morning while lying on my floor in my meds my eyes went wide open and I said “well I’ll be damned”

It may be just coincidence. I’m open minded. I’m currently sitting on my sofa pain free. Wanna talk about my sciatica that cripples me at times? Haven’t heard from it since I opened the deli. I started the hertz treatments after I recovered from Covid in early August. Once that sat on me for almost a month I made some lifestyle changes. I get sick when I get physically and mentally overwhelmed it’s common. I wanted to work on my mind some more.

Intuition wins again.

My knees don’t pop like they used to. I can Bulgarian squat 80lbs no sweat. That would’ve been unheard of 5 years ago with my knees.

Neck tension is waaaaay down.

Mental health is better just ask my family they are the ultimate gauge.

Writing gets a little easier too. My mind vibes better when I’m consistent with these practices.

Your energy changes. Sure I know this is where some of you get the eye rolls. I’m not selling crystals or oils here yall. This is my experience without any outside influences. I may just be healing some more. For some reason I’m rather attached to the hertz idea. Gonna ride it for a bit.

Doubt that you’ll see me floating on a rug but it does give some perspective as to why those visions may have been introduced. The only drug in my veins are coffee beans.

My newest adventure is controlling negative energy and harnessing positive energy. I feel like these are intuitive steps. I’m taking them in stride. Pun very much intended

Peace and love 🫶🏼

I had a level up moment this morning. These Hallmark holidays left a scar on me over the years. From ‘93 ish to yesterday I’ve hit 32 years of giving my day away to a calendar celebration that has no relevance other than promoting consumerism.

I get it. I’m not blind to the boost it gives the service industry financially as well as florists, pastry chefs, edible shit in vases, grocers etc. It pads my bank account during the winter months after everyone has hybernated in January. I’m thankful for it but it can still kiss my royal ass. I’m a slave to the hype just like retail folk during Christmas. It’s made me like many other

Yesterday I woke up with a different vibe. It’s difficult to describe without spending a lot of energy trying to turn my experiences into words and at the moment I don’t quite have the clarity needed to describe it. I’ve had a difficult week, work gets in my head more than it used to. Stress surrounds me like deep mud in a endless swamp and it gets in my nerves. “Nerves” is a term my mother used to describe when everything bothers her. She took “you’re getting on my nerves” to another plateau. If she was frazzled it was because of her nerves. If she didn’t sleep well it was her nerves. Head cold? Nerves.

Headaches? Nerves

Taxes or gas too high? Nerves

I can recall talking to her recently in her early 80’s before she passed, she was talking to me about her arthritic hands and she said “you know why they hurt so much today? It’s my nerves!” I smiled at her. I could tell her mind was fading a little but she’s gonna keep those nerves with her until her last breath.

And she did

And then she passed them on to me.

She died when I was on day 26 of my sobriety. It tested my resolve but I held true.

But

her spirit moved on and her nerves decided to move into my place.

Thanks mom

Was that a tangent? Possibly. Some blogs I’ll hesitate and reflect to find how to get my introduction in and some I open my phone and start writing.

Guess which one I’m doing

I got something out of my system yesterday that needed to be shared with one very important individual in my life and I did. It was a good thing I’ve held onto for a while and I sat on it for a bit.

With it was a great exhalation. It brought balance to a difficult week and brought some harmony in my soul.

I had come across a 🔑. I had put it away until it was time to unlock a level I wasn’t quite ready for. I didn’t wake up with the notion of unlocking it, the build up was a week long but the release was four years in the making and it came out when it was suppose to. How do I know that? Well that’s the part I’m incapable of explaining at the moment. My brain said it’s time.

One thing I’d like to address rather offhandedly is I’ve been using the wrong word to describe what I’m trying to harvest during my meds (meds is my play date name for when I mediate because it’s truly my medication).

I’ve been throwing out the word instincts quite a bit and while I have been more in touch with these I think the word I’m actually trying to introduce into my patterns is intuition.

My intuitions are what building the foundations for my instincts, my reactions to them and vice versa. See? Told you I couldn’t explain it yet.

Your instincts might tell you that you should go for a walk in the woods. Your intuition tells you which path to take. I already know that walks are good for me. Now I’m fixated on where.

I’m not ready to walk this trail with everyone but as I slowly get more cozy with the notion that I’m slowly seeing things around me a little differently than I used to and possibly a little different than most of you might be experiencing..

If you hike then you are familiar with trail markers. Some are painted onto the trees while others are little reflectors nailed into the center of the base of trees often marked white, blue or red. The colors obviously are contrasted to nature so you don’t get confused. You don’t want to paint brown on a pine tree to mark a trail. That’s my only point for the marker colors. Our forest service does an excellent job of placing these in their obvious positions to keep you on the trail for 1. As to not get lost and die and 2. To preserve the flora and fauna that surround the area because let’s admit it, we are the most invasive species. Most trails are visibly obvious and easy to follow while some, if you are stretched out in some wilderness areas the markers aren’t as easy to follow. I can attest to these and often times there are no markers and this is why compasses are important but if you are familiar with these trails often times your intuition will help keep you on these paths. You still have to remain aware of your surroundings we aren’t talking about wandering blindly around in the woods counting on your instincts or intuition to guide you. This is how people die.

But

If you maintain focus and look for the trail markers you are less likely to fall off the side of a cliff or walk around in circles until you get tired and die. The latter part pertains to what some of us doing now. I can attest I did it for 90% of my life.

This is just going to get more and more difficult for me to relay on here as I’m trying to find my footing on this new path.

I wrote a little about algorithms the other day but never completed it. I do this quite often in fact I have about 30-40 of these floating around in Word press purgatory that I start with good intentions and can’t finish in time before I do adult things and then I lose my inspiration. A few I’ll come back to while others I’ll read aloud and try to figure out what in the actual fuck I was trying to convey.

Some things come to me when I’m on my meds (meditation I don’t take a single solitary med) and inside my noggin they make total sense but transcription of transcendence is a whole nother monster I haven’t grasped yet. It’s a completely different story in my head.

Where was I?

Algorithm is a trendy word now and it’s a big part of my current vocabulary and mindset. Just like you can control the algorithms on your TikTok’s and reels etc you have the ability to do so in real living and breathing life.

I don’t do much “doom” scrolling except for first thing in the am and the bedtime. My day in between is reserved for focusing on my daily routines. Sure I’ll go for quick scroll and weave in between all three medias mindlessly just to see if anything fun pops up but for the most part you’ll see my posts first thing in the am around 6 and then after 6 in the evening. This is my normal routine. It’s not exact but it’s consistent. I try to focus on better activities when I’m out and about. I’m hyper aware of my social media algorithms. As someone who’s profession is affected by these your mind tends to gravitate towards how you are building them brick by brick as they say. I have two IG accounts one being my professional account and of course the personal. The algorithms on both are completely opposite and I’ve created them that way. Chadcuterie algorithms are only food, food art and the occasional cat video because i sometimes post my cat in my stories on there. My personal is fairly predictable it’s filled with camping, outdoors, cats, music videos, truck accessories and sometimes women with provocative posts because IG has my personal info and thinks this pertains to me as do all the suggested advertisements in between. These are no secrets we are all well aware of them.

I can change my algorithms easily by not fixating on the other reels and toks that try to engage from the outside. I may be vibing to a song I really enjoy so I react it to get my algorithm to acknowledge that it’s my jam. Or some spiritual post that resonates with my mental awareness at that moment. The opposite side I’ll get some random violent reel of some poor soul getting ran over on their motorcycle or a cop beating the shit out of some guy running with a tv under his arm. These I will either scroll past quickly without engaging or even blocking the account because if enough of these enter your mind they will become part of your mental algorithms. As you come across these they will impact your thinking more. They will leave you with thoughts that will protrude into your daily thinking routine and impact the way you think and perceive things almost subconsciously.

In a rather simple way I’ve applied changing my algorithms in my own environment and reality. Without going off the deep end too much our reality is just the world as we perceive it. You’re the star of the show regardless of who else you align with or love. You’re still the writer, director and producer.

You’re the creator.

Don’t overthink this too much I’m not saying you manifested yourself into existence. I’m a cook for fuck sake I’m no theologian. I’m just now feeling some things out. I’m into year number four of winning a battle with mental health, addiction and releasing toxicity out of my life. My own private dissertation of rewiring my brain without prescription. I meditate to train my brain to maintain a safe mode to allow an easier passage of neuroplasticity – the brain’s ability to adapt and change its structure and function in response to stimuli. That’s the biggest word I’ll throw on here for the day. Not too long ago I couldn’t even tell you what that word means and don’t get me wrong I’m not capable of breaking it down for you. I know it can be applied to victims of brain injuries. I’ve had my fair share but I use it for rehabbing my pickled brain.

And it works

Obviously removing the toxins from my body was the first and bestest, hardest part..

I’ve been creating my own chemical balance through the practice of harmonizing my thoughts with more positive frequencies.

Simply put, I believe you are what you think.

You’ve heard it in another way “I think therefore I am”

This is where I apply my path, my trail for manifestation.

I try to raise my awareness of my own physical, mental and emotional algorithms. For me it’s not any different than working on a shopping or punch list for the day. Things I want to add to my algorithms and things I want to remove to make my daily “scrolling” healthy and attainable. Or at least positive. Even with social media I’ll stay off on volatile days because I’m aware the negative energy will draw me in. Unfortunately vibrations will harmonize with negativity too.

If I sound like I’m all over the place it’s because I truly am. I’ve been working on being a spiritual pin cushion for the last three years. You spend as much time in the mountains with your eyes crossed as I do you can start to feel your mind shift.

Take it as you will. I might just be going a little crazy but it’s a better crazy than the other trail I was on.

Two years ago I would’ve never hugged a tree and now it’s imperative when I go camping. You spend enough time up there you’ll know when the mountains are being receptive and when they aren’t. My vibes are they aren’t wanting company right now.

I get worked up over some things most people would shake off rather quickly. An easy example, a kid pushing carts across the parking lot at Costco diagonally mean mugged me and muttered something at me for having the audacity to have my vehicle in its correct lane as I tried to pass him. I wanted give him a wedgie for about 3 days before I got over it. Good chance I may be triggered should I see the little shit there next week. Did it ruin my day? Absolutely not but sometimes it sparks my algorithms and then my head is on a swivel to focus on a hundred other things around me to piss me off. I need additional fodder to make my outrage make more sense. Right after that the cart I retrieved was stuckier than last time, the card reader didn’t acknowledge my existence, the line was ridiculously long and I wanted to unalive someone for driving only .5 mph over the speed limit in the left hand lane while staring down at their crotch. Chances are when I get back to work I’ll relay my experience to Barry and push my negative algorithms into his day. Restaurant depot? Dont even get me started.

But

My expectations of Depot are already assumed algorithms. I’ve already set my day into angry mission in my head, it doesn’t let me down. When I go to these places my mind is not in safety mode it’s in survival mode. There’s no absorption of positive vibrations I’m giving off negativity and anger towards something I haven’t even approached yet.

I’m working on that one. I’m acknowledging that I have a seriously negative reaction to that shit hole. See? Even in my writing here I’m maintaining a negative algorithm and alignment with the Depot.

I acknowledge that there’s a way to overcome this. It’s baby steps folks I have over a thousand restaurant depots feelings in my head and I have to reckon with them one by one.

Once again I’m all over the place.

I use the term trail markers to signify or represent how I see these algorithms. My daily reckoning with my mental health is the trail I chose to walk for the day. It’s not the same trail I walk everyday their all different because I don’t control where my mind wanders.

But

The more I train my brain to swipe away negative algorithms until I get to one that complements my mental health it shows up like a trail marker.

It truly does.

I watch certain things in the morning that trigger my emotions in an uncomfortable way or I’ll engage in my blog to release a stigma that I couldn’t shake the night before.

Ever watch one of those little feel good commercials that make you cry? A good happy feel good cry? If you can access one give it a try. Or something or someone that makes you cackle with laughter? Combine the two with your morning coffee. I know what triggers my emotions in this way. It’s my head I’ve had it my whole life. I do this on rainy days when I’m working to set my mind on a positive algorithm or at least in hopes of one. All this means to me personally is in the first half hour of my morning I’ve already experienced laughter and a good healthy cry. I liken it to an emotional oil change. I don’t do this daily. Just like my truck doesn’t need an oil change everyday but my brain has a lot of mileage. This helps. It’s setting my PH level up for a good day. One big happy alkaline battery.

Energized like the rabbit.

Social media gets to me nowadays. It’s the ultimate negative algorithm. TikTok is about the only one I enjoy and that’s only because I like the ridiculous wormholes.

To me the Earth is one harmonic vibe. It gives off a frequency that if you sit and listen to it you can physically feel it. It’s the queen bee to our hive. We all buzz the same if we are happy. The problem with social media is it causes us all to buzz in ways he aren’t meant to buzz. The world becomes volatile. It always has been we just haven’t had front row seats to watch it.

I’m trying to sell my tickets

I’m cutting loose things that shake up my algorithms. Each time I do that my trail markers become more abundant and more clear. The paths get easier to read. I do this through nightly and sometimes morning meds. Through meditation I go through my mind like I’m writing a story about my next day. I’ll visualize goals and achievements I want to obtain which begins my manifestation process. As I’ve said before manifestations are not magical. It’s visualization with appropriate actions. That’s a whole nother tangent and blog. It works y’all. It’s difficult but it works.

This is my intro into writing about the hippie shit that’s on my mind. I had a level up moment two days ago and I’ve been walking on clouds for two days. I’m incapable of accurately describing or measuring this feeling at the moment. Right now I’ll just call it a 48 hour tingle. My vibrations are harmonizing. Hertz is another one I’ve been experimenting with. Not even close to explaining this yet. I’m a jumble of instincts and intuition it’s hard to pinpoint where I am right now.

2025 I think there’s going to be a big shift. I can’t tell you why I feel that. It’s the same feeling when Helene came I knew we were going to get fucked by that hurricane and I didn’t even watch the news about it. You spend enough time hanging in a hammock in your head you’ll feel more things going on around you. Especially if you remove the poisons and toxins out of your head. That goes for the shit you eat too but I’m not a nutritionist or doctor so take that as you will.

The shift I’m referring to I don’t have any info or idea my intuition tells me to be ready. Doesn’t mean good or bad in fact if I pick up anything it screams enlightenment but that could just be me in my head too much.

I can definitely feel a shift in my thinking. Like exercising I have to implement it into my daily routine. It’s hard to tell someone how your mind can flip these little switches in your head.

Am I crazy? Most assuredly. I’ve been trying to find these markers for three years. Maybe my whole life before I added some dedication and meaning.

I hope Im able to push further into this it truly helps my mental health.

Rewiring your own brain.

Cogito, ergo sum

Camp was pea soup this morning with fog. Headlamps give you an intimate breakdown of fog, it’s hard to focus on the horizon point when thousands of tiny specs of water are streaming in front of your lamp. It’s like wet gnats. I sacrificed a good night’s sleep to get some outdoor and camping time. Got in some miles in the wilderness. Actually squeezed in an extra mile. Half mile up the mountain my Tacoma app informed me my driver side door had opened up which meant someone was in my truck without proper admission. I turned around and ran the half mile back half expecting to see my driver side window busted. I don’t keep much in my truck if it’s worth a shit you’ll have to break open some harder to reach areas in my camper. Luckily my app was drunk but I wasn’t exactly primed to sprint a half mile down a mountain. Leg cramps in the back of a truck are fun. I got to see my vistas and get some much needed sun on my shoulders. That first half mile is straight up and down. It sapped my energy going back up. I took a long break from running to heal repair my knees.

There’s not much sleep to be had when you’re laying down in an aluminum shell in the rain. It’s like living inside a snare drum being dive bombed by yellow jackets. I usually have my tent on top to insulate the rain. Some hail made it even better. I could hear some critters sniffing around my truck but couldn’t find any tracks which isn’t surprising since it’s still raining. If I had known it was going to rain this much I might’ve chosen a different site. I’m still a little weezy about mud slides and deadfall up here. I’m 10 feet from the ridge. I might’ve gotten three hours sleep.

I had no intention of journaling this morning but I can’t leave the mountain until the fog clears a little this isn’t a road you want to drive with limited sight lines trust me I don’t want to get to the bottom of the mountain that fast. Drove for about a half mile. Going to wait until the white out is clear. Literally can’t see 6 feet in front of me. My current layover must be right on top of a dead or a pissed off skunk. I don’t intend to find out. The top of the mountain resembles a scene from Silent Hill. Fog is finally starting to break.

Went old school with the camping I didn’t see any point in bringing the trailer for an overnighter or put my tent back on my truck. Would’ve liked the tent though the camper has zero insulation I got a little chilly last night as I listened to the rain drops at terminal velocity play Rock it on my roof. Brought my trail camera but never turned it on. Would’ve loved to have seen who or what was splashing around my truck.

This mountain can be wild at night sometimes.

Opted out of the Super Bowl I had one teeny tiny bar of Internet so I checked in. Football is slowly sliding away from me. I’m perfectly fine with that. It has nothing to do with anything it just doesn’t do anything for me anymore.

Still foggy 45 minutes later. I know this road fairly well. Probably better than most but I can’t be certain the next car I may pass can say the same. It’s a tight fit on the ridge.

I had a 10 foot grazing table in north TR so I had to pickup up all my boards and accessories. Rather than drive 30 minutes back home to unload I chose to bring them along. Probably not the wisest thing to bring a bunch of food stained platters covered in honey, fruit and meat to bear country but I didn’t feel like driving back. Also multiple crates of wood, glass and stainless accessories makes for quite a crunchy off road experience. Not the hertz you want to drive in the mountains too.

Most of my trips are for decompression and to sign out for a bit. Others are for fueling some need for calorie burn and exploring and that’s what this one was meant to be. Hunting island was geared to be a short vacay while Linville was an overnight adventure and I’d say it was a success. It’s hard to describe the satisfaction it isn’t felt immediately I don’t enjoy lying in an aluminum coffin with hailing rain next to where a mudslide took half the cliff away 4 months ago.

But

I made it through the night. I wasn’t wearing a party hat by any means but I’m already reflecting on the therapy of being outside my comfort zone and that’s a healthy perspective. Camping experience I’d give it a 3 out of 10, hiking if you take away the half mile sprint a solid 8 and the fog was a stupendous 10. Two hours with feet propped up by a campfire on a mountain ridge balances it all and that’s all I had intended.

Goal achieved.

I get lazy sometimes while writing in this journal. I’ve started a subject about my psilocybin journey last week and a little story about my childhood at my old apartment complex. Both of those are dangling around half constructed while I write these short little mind pop ups. The pop ups don’t take much commitment or thought for that matter. It’s Sunday morning I made a ten footer yesterday and I had to make myself available for socializing since it was my lady’s 40th birthday. I spent two hours in a bar scene last night. Can’t recall the last time I did that and the last time I had spent more than two hours in this particular bar it wasn’t a good night for me.

The bar I’m referencing is my good friend’s Society. Obviously I wasn’t making reference to the bar itself for my bad night just my reckless behavior and affinity for drinking up half the bar which is what I did that night. In all honestly if I were to create a timeline for my reckoning that night would play significant part in my changing of the guard in my lifestyle.

No triggers last night and I wasn’t expecting any. It was my wife’s big 40 and I couldn’t imagine a better place for her to enjoy herself with 20 of her bestest of friends. If any of you read these I’m grateful for you support and making my favorite person smile.

At least until 8 when I went home. I left my wife in good hands. She has some amazing friends in her corner. It’s a testament to her character. Also might I add it was a little surreal to have my daughter at an adult celebration. As much as I want to encourage her to be her own I hope these gatherings don’t draw her into the same lifestyle as I had created myself.

My daughter is much smarter than me. I won’t try to barricade her from my fears my parents tried it with me and all it did was add gasoline to the fire.

Overall a good time to as had. I had my one allocated beer for the evening, enjoyed a juicy burger and patted myself on the back for wearing pants and talking to the public.

It’ll be awhile before I do that again.

Got express camping on my mind today. No tent, no double stoves for grilling or big awnings to sit under just my truck, chair and a jet oil burner for coffee and MREs. Fonta Flora brewery is right down the road from me so I may partake in their food trailer. In the old Chad days I used to drive up that mountain, stop at the brewery, chug two beers and go find a campsite to drink my bottle of vodka. Sometimes I’d pass out with my truck tailgate wide open. Wake up and expect to see bears sniffing my toes. I’d be so hungover I would forgo my hike that I drove two hours up the mountain to traverse and go home.

What a life

My mind has these thoughts in my head. The bars don’t trigger my wanting for alcohol but they do spike some old memories. I woke up this morning with some old hangovers on my mind. I got up at 5 feeling groggy only because I stayed up a little later and maybe the bar atmosphere took a little energy out of me. I know the socializing did but it was great to see some old friends. I wish it didn’t take celebrations to celebrate.

I need to socialize. My one full time employee is probably tired of my rants.

Shout out to Barry (my one full time employee) for being my pin cushion of random conversations and songs I sing to him on a hourly basis. I don’t think anyone else other than Jess can put up with that. 12 years that dude has stuck by my side even when I could only give him 15 hours a week of work in my old hotdog trailer.

It’s weird seeing some friends you haven’t seen in years. Your memories affiliate them in the time slots you spent the most time together or at least for me it does. The grays, the wrinkles, the ever so slight years of unobtrusive gravity slowly pulling things down on our bodies. Some of our glasses get thicker along with our cheeks and butts. This is life yall I’m not poking fun at anyone I’m sitting on the bench with you.

Aging is surreal to me. I’ve become a little obsessed with observing mortality and how fragile it is.

And birds. Not sure when birds became cool to me but here we are.

There was a camp spot I pulled up to last month that’s calling me for some reason today. I’m suppose to camp there tonight or at least my instincts are suggesting it. It was the one that got completely washed away. I didn’t like the energy that came from that specific spot when I first pulled up. To be honest I almost drove back home because of it. Now it’s calling me back. In fact it’s been calling me back since the morning I left it hence why I’m going back up that mountain today.

Instincts are wild man. Once you put away all the distractions and open your mind up they’ll start to talk to you more and more. If it feels like you have to do it then go fucking do it. Get back to me and tell me how it feels. Just bear in mind you don’t always get it right but when you do you’ll smile.

Listen to your gut when it talks to you.

No im not selling a course. This is all just for me. Im just keeping my door unlocked for you.

Mentally it’s been a weird week. The island is still glued to my mind and I feel like I’ve been looking on the outside of work while at work. Next week is a doozy already my intention is to loosen my mind in the mountains and then dive into the chaos.

Don’t forget to spend some money with our neighbors in WNC. Take a drive up the hill, buy some fun things and eat some great local food. The businesses up there are dropping like flies. I’ll be giving it my best shot today.

Went down south to Hunting Island state park and spent around 48 hours decompressing the island. Didn’t attempt take over the world while I was down there, this was a non calorie burning time out. I might’ve walked 10 miles in two days just to keep sand in between my toes but that was about all the effort I wanted to maintain. I had a little corner spot for my plot of camping land resting between two quiet retiree neighbors and had my tent perch sitting atop the rest of the campground. Hunting island state park is a cozy campground this time of year, it’s mostly empty nesters enjoying the last of their best lives, some in giant 5th wheels while others romanticize the old days in little Shastas. It’s never bustling you may see some couples walking to the beach or giving their pups some leg stretches. They’re all respectful and veteran campers. The most drama you may see or hear on this little island are the couples jawing over the perfect reverse docking of their homesteads in these little narrow plots. Little beeps of backing up abodes. (3/10 alliteration).

I watch some of these old couples walking hand in hand around the campground and I smile knowing they have figured it all out.

The island had a slight chill to it, you could drive 4 miles back towards Beaufort and it felt 10 degrees warmer. There was also a thick persistent fog that stuck around Monday the whole day. For some reason it felt like it didn’t belong there. Only on the island. You could see it hovering over the island when driving over the bridge to the park.

Weird

Not sure what was the going’s on with one of my neighbors. It would seem she was suppose to depart on Monday and had decided to stay another night without checking in with the park rangers. I saw her Sunday when I arrived, we exchanged brief pleasantries and that was the last I saw her. The light remained on in her camper the whole night. Rangers came by, knocked on her door for several minutes Monday afternoon and left. The light stayed on the whole night again but was off the next morning when I was packing. Either she turned it off or the park cut off her power box. If it was the latter then the park might be ignoring a corpse camping in site #111. I saw no movement and I was paying close attention after the staff knocked and left. The camper didn’t move the whole night. The whole time I felt like I was camping next to a dead body.

She’s old but not that old. I’m morbidly invested in her current state of affairs.

I’m curious as to how many times a coroner gets called to these campgrounds. This is where some go to die. Not on purpose mind you but I’m still considered a young lad in comparison to some of my posse here it’s not unreasonable to logically consider that quite a few old folk die in campgrounds. Hell I’ve come close myself. Joking.. I think. That’s another story for a another day. Still stewing on that one.

WiFi went out during the fog. Im not one that needs to be online while I camp but I do choose certain areas if I need to utilize the nets and this is one of them. It was irritating to go offline but I made the most of it. My truck has WiFi if I have an emergency. Like calling an ambulance about a dead body resting next to me.

Jk

I hope

It’s given me a great idea for a short horror story though

I indulged in a little psilocybin Sunday night while I watched the stars on the beach. I’m writing about that experience currently, it takes about a week for me to soak it all in and up. I’ve done mushrooms about a half dozen times in my life. The first two experiences were heavily induced by alcohol which is a wash and a waste. I use them sparingly I don’t microdose it’s a special occasion for me when I do use them. I’ve consumed them four times the last 3 years.

Once while a buddy observed near the foothills trail camping next to jocassee. I watched alien jelly fish heads watch me from behind trees while I sat under the canopy of giant beings with the faces of a feline, bird and a reptile watching over me as if I was in a petri dish.

I laid in my tent in Linville and watched an angel with a 1000 eyes hover over my trailer while the song Grand Canyon by Puscifer played on my Bluetooth speaker. It moved and blinked to the rhythm of the song. All the while I’m lying there unmoving the whole time while the lyrics “witnessing the majesty” kept highlighting in my mind like a electric road construction sign. I had no idea who Puscifer was. If you were to peruse my musical library you will find I don’t listen to music that reflects this genre.

It ain’t my thing but this song is on my phone now and it will stay. If you’ve ever experienced psilocybin you may know what I’m talking about. Music fuses with your mind and body. At least it does to mine.

The last time (before last Sunday) was in lake Powell AZ. I saw Navajos just out of the corners of my sights, witnessed the heavens above the stars and told my friend one of his knees were glowing (he had a knee operation the year before I was unaware about)

As I’ve said I use these sparingly. This isn’t a gummy I’m playing with or happy hour with a friend. I don’t sleep the whole night. I’m done for the next day and my mind seems to be very sensitive to accepting a lot of weird shit for the next 24 – 36 hours. The last one was a good one. I’m still processing. I’ll get back to you.

When I got up the next morning I thought the mushrooms had brought the fog.

Monday was a lounge day next to me tent. I literally reclined in a camping chair and stared off at the ocean for the day. No net, no distractions and quite a story to reckon with from my journey the night before.

I meditated that night in my tent with only the beacon of my headlamp battery blinking green.

During my meditation I hit a euphoric state of mind so intense I thought angels were singing in my headphones (no psilocybin mind you just my regular ol chad vibes). I got caught up in some raging spiritual bliss enough for my mind to make me think that I was on the path to paradise. To me this meant that I was coming to see Elizabeth (Sanford and son reference) I thought I was dying and that’s why I was hearing the chorus of angels through my headphones. Before the “holy shit I must be traversing to the heavens” I went through a 30 minute experience of euphoria, happiness, gratitude, uncontrollable laughing and unconditional love. Then my brain said “you must be dying” every emotion was hooked up to an amplifier and I was vibrating harmony.

Do I sound like a hippie? I sure hope so.

I unzipped every window in my tent and sat outside on my ladder until my brain finally told me I wasn’t dying in fact I had never been so alive. I went to bed and didn’t even move until 5:20 am. I made a pot of coffee and walked on the beach until sunrise

I watched the world slowly wake up, jumped into my truck and set my navigation to home. I was exhausted but rebooted and reborn. It’s a four hour drive and I took my time.

People ask me why I do this so much. One random occasions I grow in different ways on these trips. It slowly molds me into that new Gangwer I’ve been chasing.

That’s why.

It’s the anniversary of my mother’s passing. Covid took her 3 years ago she was 83 and life was catching up to her at that age. It took about an hour of coffee and starting my day before I realized it. Little surprise that I woke up this morning with her on my mind I even whispered “love ya mom” before I got out of bed. She took a part of my soul with her when she passed. Mama’s boy til I die and then some. I was just looking at some old photo of my parents and was thinking of how much I look like my mom when I smile and my dad when I frown.

Spent my night in the mountains Sunday. First time in three months. Took some time for me to acclimate to my old vibe. As I’ve gotten older I find more things make me anxious. Not sure if it’s just my testosterone slowly jumping ship or the side effects of putting the bottle down.

Or both

It gets real easy to talk my way out of things outside my comfort zone. I’m currently tackling that issue along with not going overboard on my homebody vibes. If I hadn’t gone camping there’s a good chance I would’ve spent the day on my sofa. Breaks aren’t a bad thing but I’m trying to avoid constant lethargic thoughts.

My trip up the mountain was met with very little fanfare. It’s rare to drive up ridge and not see any camps set up or traffic. I saw one old white pickup on the way up a familiar face of sorts. I wouldn’t be suprised if he lived up there and moved site to site every two weeks to keep from gaining attention.

No clue but I see that truck just about every time I’m up there and it’s not a forest service vehicle.

The damage from Helene was apparent and as you climbed in elevation the carnage got much worse. If I wasn’t privy to the cause of the damage I’d almost believe they were about to build townhomes up there. I have a few preferred spots and my favorite was wide open due to the lack of human presence on the mountain. A few of my sites were completely gone. Completely washed away or needing an excavator to clear a path. One of my spots looked like a helicopter pad from the trees washed away. My go to site was still there but the shade of a massive tree had been cut down due to the storm. The tree is also slowly coming away from the ridge which can be dangerous to plot my truck next to. I used to tether my hammock to this particular tree. I used to hug this tree.

I backed into the spot and got out of my truck to find a level plot. It felt foreign to me. The whole mountain did I began to have second thoughts of camping. My anxiousness was getting to me. It felt like I had invited myself over to a friend’s house for a slumber party unannounced and they were sick but too polite to ask me to leave.

Got back in my truck and continued driving.

I drove to the Linville side and found an old familiar spot that looked more inviting to me and made my camp. The mountain was quiet. It was surreal not to have anyone else around. I always do a little drive around to see what kind of neighbors I may have around me. Most are respectful but on occasion someone breaks out the Bluetooth and get annoying late at night. It’s rare but I prefer to know who my neighbors are before I fall asleep 500 yards down the trail from them.

Not a soul.

I usually try to sleep with a little sound machine when I turn in. Nothing loud mind you I need to hear my surroundings but camping in the winter is almost too quiet. No cricket serenades or whippoorwills trying to lure the ladies back to their nests. It’s dead quiet. You can hear the dried leaves dragging their fingernails across the dirt when a breeze moves them around. Often times you hear something grazing around your site maybe a raccoon looking for a dropped potato chip or a deer checking out your rig.

They’re all bears at 4am.

My paranoid ass trying to figure out if I left a snickers in my pocket.

Sleep was poop from the quiet. It was fine though nothing clears your head like a cold tent, warm blanket, no sounds, no internet no lights.

It’s difficult to describe when you’re out and about in nature. You aren’t always caught up in the moment. Don’t get me wrong there are often times I’m reclined next to a campfire staring out into the gorge thinking “it doesn’t get better than this” but there’s just as many instances it’s too cold to sit still or the wind is whipping the fire around and there’s no heat or too much smoke. Sometimes you’re covered mud, you forgot something to light your fire, the elements are trying to blow your tent off of your vehicle. There are no guarantees of a good time to be had. You’re in nature’s hands.

I was out of practice and uncomfortable, forgot all kinds of shit but I was fine it was just an overnight stay for Christ sake. It wasn’t until I was packing up the next morning that my old muscle memory started to kick in again and the mountains started to feel like my second home again. I smiled. It was good to be back home. I hugged my tree friends and headed back.

Put all my gear back on my trailer when I got home. Making an attempt to sell my set up and start all over again with something new. Not sure as to what yet and if it doesn’t sell well then damn I’ll have go keep camping with it.

Worst case I’ll get a few more miles to the gallon on my truck with 300 less pounds riding around with me.

Cheers

I’m going back up my mountain today. I say mountain in singular but there’s quite a few up there. Hawksbill, Table Rock (the other one), Shortoff, the Chimneys to name a few. Where I camp you can see at least one of them usually I’m staring down Table Rock across the gorge.

Quite the sight.

It’s the zen est of my zens

Last time I camped up here it was September 23rd. Easy to remember because three days later the largest hurricane to ever hit this region would stop by for a visit. The first and only time I’d ever visited Boone. I’m going back up there to support if all goes to plan. I’ve had some weird circumstances that’s kept me from camping the last three months and I’ve accepted them as necessary diversions. I’ve accomplished quite of bit of work projects staying home and I feel pretty damn rested after 6 months of some old familiar work load.

Perspective

Balance is key. I think I was more unbalanced trying to force the free time through a tiny hole in the fence. Not every day off has to be an adventure. Each time I tried to push it the forces of nature had their final say and I’ve stayed home.

I woke up Saturday morning and my instincts gave me the green light. I had good vibes thinking on it but oof shit it’s gonna be cold. My camping area is on it’s own weather system. I take the average temperatures of Nebo and Linville and sort of meet them in the middle when checking for low temps. Tonight will be between 25°- 29°. That’s not terrible. Not ideal either but not terrible. The wind will be the deciding factor. 10mph winds exposed on the face of a ridge will make that feel a tad colder. I don’t use any heating source other than a firepit. No heaters in my tent I’d rather not go to sleep and never wake up.

Tent gets cold. It’s a thick tent with better insulation than your regular ground tent and I’m elevated which helps a little but it also exposes me more to the elements. 30° sleeping bag and a big ass old Costco blanket will be my bedding this evening. I’ll be head to toe sweats for jammies with some smartwool. On cold mornings I’ll remote start my truck so I can go from tent to truck to warm my hands before I make breakfast.

It’s not cozy or comfortable. Sometimes it’s downright shitty.

Character building? Sure maybe or just maybe you come back feeling a little more alive. And sometimes a good story can develop out of it and that’s what I’m here for.

I try to throw my hard earned money around to local businesses for coffee, food, shopping, firewood and last minute camping accessories. It’s how I support. Not any different from you fab folk who bring materials for the homeless up there. I’m just trying to keep everyone employed.

I used to hate to drive through Asheville due to the traffic on I-26. Unfortunately there’s not that much traffic when Ive gone up there the last few times. That’s the biggest economic impact I see aside from the obvious carnage. Man if I won the lottery..

My meals will be MREs I don’t mess with multi-plating meals when it’s this cold. Also my favorite grill I use is butane and it would take me 4 hours to grill a steak up there in higher altitude and freezing cold. Jetboil will heat my dried up food in 90 seconds I don’t even take it out of the bag. Ever washed crockery in 25° weather? Say goodbye to your fingers for the evening.

Tonight I’ll be express camping. All that means is my trailer stays home with most of my camping toys left behind. Essentials only. Most of my gear is unnecessary for trips shorter than two days anyways but I bought them to enjoy them. Change of underwear, jetboil, gallon of water, firewood, matches (forget about a bic working up here), MRE’s, extra blanket, two camping pillows and my headphones 🎧. Oh and maybe a book. If you’ve never camped in the freezing cold there’s one thing you have to do is keep active. Sure a campfire is great for heating one side of your body but you get cold if you sit still. I do a lot of pacing before bed to stay warm around the fire and keep my circulation going. For bed I may boil some water for my Nalgene bottle to have some heat next to me or roll a hot fired up stone in a towel and put it in my sleeping bag. Real easy way of burning a hole in your set up if you’re not careful. I usually rely on multiple layers. If I were to camp in sub zero weather there would be a diesel heater involved. My bones aren’t as warm as they used to be.

If I manage to get some sleep I’ll get a hike in, man it’s been too long. Weather forecast looks like clouds all night so I may not get my sun but it ain’t always rainbows and sunrises so it’s fine.

Time to pack up

Cheers

Most of my thoughts are recorded here from 5am- 7am. This is my creative bubble time when the coffee hasn’t taken me to Mars yet and my mind is still in the present and not moving its thoughts into the work day. I will also use this time for menu mock ups and food thoughts if I’m obligated to. After I eat breakfast my mind tends to slow down into normal mode and my creativity will go out the window. I’ve always been more creative on an empty stomach. There are splendid benefits for fasting I just really enjoy food. I’m a grazer and always have been. Once I start eating for the day I mow the food lawn until around 7.

Also the word splendid make me think of Mr. Burns

My writing subjects often come to me during my nighttime meditations. Sometimes I’ll write notes in my phone pertaining to my random story subjects, read them the next morning and have no clue as to what the fuck I was thinking about. I’m the laziest note taker in all the galaxy. I always shit myself when my teachers asked to see my notes.

“Morn are for start night for mani” is in my phone notes currently sandwiched between ideas for sandwiches and shopping lists to encourage these sandwiches.

I wonder how many sandwiches I’ve made over a lifetime? For myself included.

Thousands.

My favorite sandwich is a club. It always has been. When my old man owned the Cock n Bull I can recall eating club sandwiches at his bar in those cheap little oval plates you see an abundance of at hotel buffets. They never change.

If I go to the Clock or any of those old drive in restaurants it’s the club over all else. During my hangover days it was chili cheeseburgers with onion rings. I’d be so ravished from my hangover I’d drink the slaw juice from the styrofoam box.

I recall my high school English teacher telling me on my last day of school that I would never amount to anything. I’ll be “flipping burgers”

Bitch you ain’t wrong. I did for 4 years and not too long ago.

I wasn’t the best I could be with her that’s for sure. I can say the same goes for her too.

I could conjure all the ridiculous number of items I’ve cooked or presented over the years I’d have to say poached eggs would be the winner. I poached 100 eggs every weekend at SC . That’s 4800 eggs a year for 9 years.

Distant second would be steaks. Can’t tell you how many steaks I grilled at the steakhouse but I fed a small city full of marinated sirloins.

*insert vomit emoji here

I’m going to throw myself into a little fiction soon. Want to take some childhood stories and add a little fab and hyberbole into the mix for short stories. 80’s childhood was reckless for an 8 year old y’all I smoked my first joint at 6 years of age.

Tomorrow I’m going to attempt my first venture back up to my mountain side. Sunday night is going to be a cold one but I don’t care. My camping gear is strewn about in my garage disheveled and uncomfortable. The last time I went camping up there it was before Helene. It’s time for me to go back my nightly meds (meditation) have been taking back up on that ridge so I know it’s time. I need a hike in my soul more than coffee needs a drip.

Also I haven’t been back up since my little 3am alarm went off with something striking my tent hard. I need to go back up and make peace with that memory.

Shortoff mountain is on my mind. Easily my favorite hike in the Gorge I rarely pass more than 4 peeps when I’m up there. Switchbacks take you up the gorge’s ridges and you can see for miles.

Sit on a rock overhang and breath in the real life. It’s only a 7 mile in and out but it joins the MTS (mountains to sea trail) so you can hike for weeks if you want. Almost guarantee a bear sighting in spring after you wander past 6 miles there’s quite a few up there. I don’t care how experienced you are as a hiker you’re never prepared when a bear crosses your path. Big ones, little ones doesn’t matter. You sure as hell don’t want to run across a cub. I’ve managed to walk right under one dangling from a tree. Didn’t see it’s mom. Didn’t stick around and wait for her either. I’ve never had one bother me or even give me a second glance and I’m ok with that. I think I’ve come across six so far.

Table rock 1

Pinnacle 1

Parkway 1 with two cubs (we were driving)

Crested butte had one hang around my site for about an hour

Linville 2? One came into my camp and for some reason I can’t recall the other but I know I’ve had two encounters.

Oh and a big fat one up on Turkey gap pen brevard. I was unaware I had arrived into a bear sanctuary until I had already arrived. I managed to hike right past the posted sign.

I’ve never seen a grizzly or a mountain lion out west. I’m ok with that.

I’ll put some money on a big cat around Mt Mitchell area. Might’ve been the Deep Trail Gap for whatever reason my instinct kept telling me to go back. Something was watching for me for a bit. I hiked with my 9mm nearby. Not sure why it got to me but I won’t hike that alone again.

But yeah man I gotta chase the sun tomorrow. All arrows are lighting that path right now so I must go even if it’s just a long drive for a hike and I can spend some cash with the locals up there. Went for a walk this morning to acclimate. 21° I turned around after 4 minutes.

I might need to take a bigger jacket next time.

Cheers