I’m comfortable in saying this without trying to author some sort of narrative. I could stand next to my 50 year old self and strongly acknowledge that we are almost two completely separate people now.

I’ve evolved.

I’m still evolving in fact I think I’m just beginning to really find my rhythm in this skin.

The same topics don’t interest me

I don’t engage with the same people anymore. I rarely interact with most of my friends. We don’t hang out anymore.

I don’t like some of my old go to music like I used to. Tv shows and movies seem lifeless. If I do watch something it’s usually for nostalgia purposes or background noise. Media altogether.

I don’t wear the same clothes, in fact I think I’m about to go through another style change soon. My current wardrobe has suddenly become obsolete. Can’t explain why. I’m starting to dislike my clothes. Not my style or colors just the meaning of them. Does that make sense? No? Same for me.

I don’t eat the same as I used to. Foods are losing their luster.

Obviously my lifestyle changes make new opportunities and different paths.

I used to fear death. Now I really don’t believe in it. We are bundles of energy. Bodies in a never ending cosmos.

I’ve become obsessed with me. Analysis, remembering, understanding.

I’m seeking my ticks. Sought my toks

This isn’t an ego thing it’s quite the opposite. The more I release my ego the more I remember.

My favorite time of day is the first two hours of my morning. Distractions haven’t arrived yet. I’m alone with myself. I’m writing and thinking about me.

Cutting out the drunk in me started this I have no doubt. Actually getting removed from the service industry was step one. That was my stake.

Service industry was the stake. The alcohol was the chain, the leash tied to the stake.

Or is it like the chicken and the egg? Was it the stake or the chain?

I needed to be severed from the stake first. The alcohol was the chain. The alcohol created the worn out circle around the stake. My limited perimeter of experience. I stayed within that perimeter for decades.

Tethered mentally and physically

Three decades to be exact. Chain around my neck. Walking in circles. Seeing the same things in my peripheral, thinking the same thoughts. An NPC for most of my life. Always with an asterisk.

*this isn’t me

*I don’t fit here

*how do I escape?

A concentration camp of limited thought

When I left the industry the chain broke but I wouldn’t leave the circle I had worn out in the dirt. Not until I put the bottle down. When I put the bottle down for good I stepped out of that circle.

Now

Everyday I feel something different.

Everyday I think differently

I see things differently

My mind highlights new things

My algorithms have changed

I don’t say the same things anymore.

I’m changing

I’ve changed. I wrote about this same thing about a year ago.

It still holds true. You think you’ve reached a stopping point but you find another direction of spectrums.

You analyze your loops

You breakdown your emotional state for fun

You daydream more. Not fantasy but balance.

I used to do things so people would recognize me, remember me. Now I’d rather disappear into my own little space.

I enjoy peace over substance

If there’s any downside to some of this it’s I don’t handle loud noises well anymore. I can’t sit in crowded rooms or bars. Heavily populated venues make me uncomfortable. People for the most part make me uncomfortable. I feel their energy and presence more now. It overwhelms me. People aren’t as happy as they used to be. Certain gatherings are fine but overall I feel the uneasiness. I sound flaky but it’s true. I’ve become hyper aware of my nervous system.

You gotta keep it regulated 🎶

Offspring lyric reconfigured I do this a lot. That part of me will never change.

I used to do things to impress others but now I do it to impress me. It’s not what you think I’m not trying to bench 300lbs for my ego or look fancy in a mirror but I am trying to change my look in my inner mirror.

You know when you’re doing something right or wrong. You know it before you do it. I’m changing my actions to automatically make better decisions. It’s harder than you think. I fall on my face a lot. I trip over my own words.

But

I acknowledge it now. I don’t embrace my mistakes or the feelings that follow. I acknowledge, respect my choices and learn. Own them and move on.

Stop harping 🪉

Oh don’t worry I’ve still have a lot of broken pieces to clean up.

But at least I broke free from that chain.

Man I’m telling you the pursuit of finding yourself is what life is about. I’m within grasp. I know where I fall short on most things now. Some I can and will fix. Others are apart of me that I must embrace and that’s where the balance comes together.

Peace

And

Acceptance

=

Balance

Think I’ll go for a walk in the rain.

Later gators.