My dad passed away 40 years ago today. In a Greenville memorial hospital. I believe it was a Friday. It was Monday or Tuesday earlier that week that one of my sisters would call my mother around 6 to tell her my father had fallen down unconscious on his way out of his local watering hole. He’d hit his head. At the time I thought maybe my dad had tripped and knocked himself unconscious. Not from drinking my dad was usually a 2 drink happy hour guy and then would have his nightcap at home. I remember driving to the hospital with my family and sitting in the emergency waiting room to get an update. By 8pm that evening I would learn my dad had a massive stroke and would most likely not wake back up.

I was told my father was dead four days before he actually passed. They have grieving rooms at the hospital. I was placed in one with my family to allow the grief to wash over me. It’s crazy how you can still feel self conscious about crying in front of strangers. I remember all the people staring at me when I started sobbing about the news.

Trauma is a real thing folks. I’ve made peace many times and I’m sitting on my sofa sobbing again.

It’s been a long time since I cried on this day. A lot of you weren’t even born yet.

Memory is cyclical or at least mine is. I emptied out a lot of my father’s memories when Masters of Air came out. Guess I had one squeeze left in the bottle. I don’t write these calendar events down they’ll pop up on their own. I’m sure I’ve missed a few exact anniversaries in the past due to my work schedule and speed of life. I’d posted a pic of my dad’s grave marker a few years back. Popped up in my memories this morning and my reaction was “oh yeah it’s the 28th”. What a shitty way to start a new month. I made peace years ago. I really did. I guess as I stated earlier I needed a little more release. I wouldn’t have felt this exhalation if I wasn’t writing. Just another reminder why journaling is therapeutic. My eyes are red, my head hurts as it always does after a good cry. I haven’t had a good cry in a while.

Side quest accomplished

Man that felt good.

I don’t remember much of that week anymore. I barely recall the funeral, the viewing or any of the events that surround these things. I was taxied to all of the places to grieve and placed at all the family gatherings. I barely talked to anyone. I didn’t want to be there. I had yet begun to grieve.

I took a week off of school came back to a sympathy card signed by my whole algebra class. My friends didn’t know how to act so they avoided me most of the month. I get it, 14 year old boys aren’t built for expressing sympathy.

Hell I’m 54 and struggle with it at times.

My oldest sister and my cousins from my dad’s side came into the deli to see me. Accidental coincidental and appropriate timing I’d say. I really need to go see my dad’s side of the family in PA soon. I always smile when my sister and brother in law come to see me at the deli.

Sailing by Christopher Cross plays in my ‘phones

Appropriate and effective

I lost half my friends when my dad passed. Ones I’d go see in Mauldin when I visited my dad. Never saw them again.

I had two different identities at that time.

Mauldin Chad was the first guy picked for backyard sports. I was the pack leader, leading scorer, king of the hill. I liked that Chad. He was confident, athletic and strong.

Piedmont Chad lacked charisma. He was quiet, bullied, intimidated and scared. I only had one friend that lived nearby

When my dad passed I became full time Piedmont Chad. I created my own little fantasy world when I moved to Piedmont and mentally I pulled up to that little reality and stayed there until I could leave. An extremely lonely zone. I still occasionally go there on bad days. It’s not the same. That world is empty now.

My grades dipped permanently. School doesn’t have time to deal with grief.

“Sorry your dad died. Now open up your textbook to polynomials”. “We are having cheeseburgers for lunch today.”

My grades went from B’s to the most minuses of C’s. I kept my grade point just high enough so I could be permanently released from school when it was done. No way in hell was I going to repeat another year.

I was the center of attention at school for one day in my life. Not worth it.

Man I just got real tired.

I raised/ raising my daughter the same way my dad raised me. With complete love.

Thanks for that dad. I mean it. Sometimes I see my smile in my daughter’s face when she smiles at me. I get in my feels when I think about my daughter only having a brief time to spend with her dad. Every day that passes I get that “she got another extra day with me than I got with my old man”.

And I make sure it’s worth it. For both of us. I try to cram in all the love I can because, well because man you just never know.

40 years man. It’s like hanging up the same towel to dry off every year.

Damn I needed this. My day was complete shit yesterday and it may have been this creeping up on me.

Love ya dad. Thanks for sticking around in the parts that still matter.