I spent the last year of my life revisiting a lot of my childhood trauma. What I mean by that is when I get ready for bed I will go into a meditative state and look back on not so fond memories of when I was much younger. Divorces, passing of my father, violence and other moments that I would eventually carry around as part of my personal identity as all of these attached themselves to my own being. The more I looked back on these moments the more I began to analyze how they affected me. I was my own therapist for most of this year. It’s a lot of work. I’d wake up the next morning, journal my thoughts and do my best to make peace with the old experiences. Some I’d change my perspective of the situation to change my past. This is where you can alter your past mentally. Neuroplasticity- molding your brain to change the reflections of your past. That’s all they are now. I do this to slowly push away my habits of living in the past.

Simple as it gets “what’s done is done”. Quit harping on that old harp.

Beating that old dead horse in your mind.

Once you see how the past is constantly projected in your actions and reactions the more in the present you can become.

Your loops

Your routines

I call this shadow work. I didn’t make up this term it’s on the internet if you need to look it up.

Your behavior is caused by your past. Your environment is molded by your past. Your generational struggles. It’s that dog chained to a stake that I always refer to.

When I reckon with these old memories I create zip files to store them in my brain. I treat my mind like a desktop computer. I have folders to store the good things and some bad things with different perspectives. I have a trash bin where other attachments go away permanently. In my head I’ll visualize the little pointer clicking on something I’ve been attached to for no good reason and make that little paper crunching sound and “Kobe!” it into the wastebasket.

It works

Your brain enjoys visual cues.

I did this recently for about a 16 year era of my life where I recognized business wise, that I was looping into poor decisions due to how I was trained to respond to financial situations.

I closed a file where I was bitter about my father’s level of clout when he passed. For years I thought I had to struggle with my own business like he did. It was a part of my life. It attached itself to me in that specific way. “You’re just like your father. He struggled to make it and so will you”

It took a long night of emotions to finalize that segment of my life. I didn’t throw it in the trash I compressed it into a folder. It needs recognition on my bad days. It’s one that can’t be thrown away you might as well ask me to sever my arm with some crafting scissors.

But

I recognize it, which allows me to deal with it on my terms. I control it not the other way around. Emotions are meant to be expressed and shared. It’s how you react and respond that determines your outcome.

It was also during a long meditative session that I realized that I’m my mother’s child. Emotionally I’m my mother. My nervous system is my mother’s. Once I recognized that pattern it’s been my hardest barnacle to shed. Rewiring that circuit pattern.

Side note: if you’re into that whole ancestral trauma the last three generations of Gangwer’s were engulfed in world wars. My father in WWII and his father and grandfather fought side by side in WWI. Combine that with my mother’s emotional issues and you’ve got one wound tight Chad.

My father getting shot down over Germany =my irrational fear of flying. I’ve yet to get on another plane now that I’m no longer a drunk. That next flight will be interesting. This is a barnacle that won’t let go anytime soon. It’s also one I don’t have to deal with on a daily basis so it sits in a folder inside of another folder. The “one of these days” folder inside the “stop procrastinating” folder.

I don’t quite have all of this under control yet. It’s still a new computer monitor.

I devote an hour a day for rewiring and cleaning up my mental desktop. The more organized it is the more clarity I can observe.

If you want to take this visual approach another step I’ll add in my application of open tabs or apps in my brain browser.

Open tabs are what I refer to as unfinished business. I have several different types of tabs I shuffle around with. Mind projects I keep around due to procrastination or emotions that I’ve failed to close over time. To maintain focus on my mental health I’ve carefully cut down on my mental projects. I’d procrastinate on several works projects- menu revamps, reorganizing, new floor plan or media projects. I’d take on a dozen at a time then go home with 20 more to opened tabs at home. I wouldn’t complete any. I’ll get overwhelmed and dissociate with it. Tension and anxiety would build up in my body so I started closing tabs or assigning them scheduled slots. I was in the middle of a menu revamp and I have some ideas for added levels of service at the deli. I wanted to push all of it out when my sign was hung. A sort of a ritual celebration.

I could feel the tension already arriving so I closed all those tabs and reassigned them to next year. Holiday boxes take precedence. Menu will be handled after Christmas and the next step won’t be approached until both of those are taken care of. Home projects are closed temporarily until after the new year.

Period. No questions asked

Open apps are interests or hobbies I try to juggle simultaneously while also procuring stillness and peace of mind. Trying to do too many things you enjoy drains your energy too. I told my wife last night my camping for the year is over with. I’m not assigning any sort of punishment to myself I’m giving my body a break from three hour drives, long hikes and abuse from inclement weather. The stress of forcing a little adventure in between 60 hour work weeks. My body and mind needs rest and stillness this time of year. It took me years to realize that being still is one of the healthiest activities you can do for yourself. Have you ever just sat in silence? No tv, no books, no music or talking. Try it for half an hour. It’s harder than you think. The payoff is amazing. Your brain will begin a process of problem solving when you’re at rest. Your body will follow suit. My camping is done for the year. I closed that app. My gear is boxed up to insure it stays that way. I opened up a new app I use to plan for my next year adventures to even it out. It allows me to work with a peace of mind that for all of my hard work the next 6 weeks will be worth the extra time I put in. I don’t stress to squeeze in a hobby during this period. My mind is at ease, I’m focused on the present while excited for new things on the horizon. I’m counting on this to keep my body well rested and my mind balanced.

I no longer look at this season with a sense of dread. *tosses holiday dread into trash bin

KOBE!

Nothing but net.

Work files on my monitor aren’t clicked on with dread. Simple purpose is to not overload.

Balance

Because that’s the key for me. When the stress begins to attach itself to my nervous system I’m more aware of it now. It allows me to pull back. I realized over time it’s not the amount of hours I spend at work it’s the cadence of my body and mind when I’m working. I try to take over the world the first 10 minutes I’m at work. I can make an 8 hour shift feel like 10 because I’m trying to squeeze 10 hours of labor into 8. When I get into this state I can feel my body tense and go into fight or flight mode. It will maintain this state for the whole shift. It doesn’t let go until well into my evening at home. I don’t have a morning schedule I go into work at odd times but always leave at 5. I find myself pushing that last bit of free time at home before I go to work because I’ve reprogrammed myself to thinking work owns me because for the last 30 plus years it has. When I rush to work indeed it does.

It owns me. It traps me in its system and keeps me there in fight or flight mode the entire shift. Now even on slower days I leave 30-45 minutes early to start my routine at an easier pace.

Reprogramming my cadence. If you’ve worked with me during a busy shift I’m sure I probably stressed you the fuck out. I go into overdrive and I don’t stop until my body doesn’t give me a choice. I’m a product of a high volume system that has warped my mind over the years. I used to call this hustle.

Listen

Fuck hustle

Now I slowly blend my downtime into my work time. I stop for a cup of coffee on the way to work. I do a slow walkthrough the deli and mentally start my day. I’ll put an album on my record player and deliberately move at a slower pace. My “pace work” begins as soon as I get out of bed.

Slow shower to wake up. I’ll sit down while I brush my teeth. Coffee is generally made the day before. I have a small folder in my head called “The coffee theory” where I used to start my day making coffee at 90mph. Everything used to be a deadline to me. I started making coffee the day before to make me slow down in the mornings. All I do now is hit the brew button and go about my morning. While the coffee brews I stretch slowly. This allows my body to feel like there’s no deadlines, agendas or hurry. I don’t look at my work schedule until I’m showered, stretched and I have a hot cup of coffee in my hand.

My vagus nerve thanks me for it.

My balance comes with a firm handshake between my work load and my nervous system. “We are going to work together in harmony today guys. We have all day to get along. No rush, no worries or hurries make yourselves at home”

My work schedule ends at five regardless. When I say five I mean at 4:59:59 pm I’ve got my key in the door. Obviously if I have customers walk in at 4:55 I’m still serving with a smile on my face. It’s rare but I don’t turn anyone away. I will be putting your purchase in a bag though. There’s no more staying an extra hour late while a two top lingers over stale coffee after closing. If a delivery is running late I’ll give you 15 minutes extra before I cancel the delivery. My time is more important to me than someone that’s running late. This used to be a big part of my stress. I turned away a truck the day before my busiest day of the year because it hadn’t arrived after I closed.

It’s my life now folks. It’s absolutely nothing personal. I made a commitment to myself to work on my own terms and not someone else’s.

I may have went on a tangent here I’m not sure. And my fingers are getting tired.

It’s Sunday my weekend has begun. I’m walking today but it’ll be a deliberately slow one. It’s 8am I’m usually going about my day today but I lied in bed for an extra hour and relaxed. I have a new book I’m starting today. There will be no work talk, no work posts. I’m currently listening to a David Crosby album I’ve never heard before.

I’m setting my cadence today. I’ve clicked on that folder I created for Sunday lazies. No camping, no long drives.

Peace. ☮️