I don’t normally write in the evening time. My attention span is spent, energy is exerted and I can smell my bedtime calling me. I start dissociating with my life around 6:30. It’s 7:05 now and my complacent zone has its eyebrow raised.

Subconscious- “I see what you’re trying to do here Chad”

Sure this could be seen as a loop break but my intuition is telling me “not this time”

“Answer your inner phone calls”

Ok so here we are. I’m relaxed as I usually am at this point, I’m in my sweats, on my sofa slowly fading to my nightly routine. Bedtime rears its sleepy head in 90 minutes.

Graze is my last rung before I close shop in the service industry. Whatever that means I’m not sure but my intuition is trying to light me up like a Christmas tree.

“Hey Chad, you’ve said on multiple occasions that this deli “just ain’t it”

“We’ve been trying to reach out to you to let you know that’s ok.”

“It’s hard to leave that comfort zone”

“It’s all you know or at least all you’re willing to accept as your best option”

“You’re scared to do something else and as you should be. It’s been 30 plus years”

“Hey my friend. Just let things go. We (you and you) got this”

This week has been a hard one for me mentally. Nothing out of the ordinary which is why I get bothered because to me it’s I’m becoming the same old same old again.

Not acceptable

My snakes are hissing in my head as they do from time to time and it has me in my feels. Anger, fear, depression, impulsive thoughts. I literally want to punch the air sometimes.

But

I’m reckoning with it. I acknowledge it. I know it’s there.

Lurking

It’s fine. I’m not on a ledge although I had a little emotional outburst solo at work two days ago that made me think I was.

I got over it. The thing is I’m tired of getting over it

Listen, I’m fine really. I’m fighting with my deli mentally right now. Something isn’t magneting. Yeah I know another non existent word but I like making up my own vocabulary. I wake up in the early am and I’m feeling my vibe. I meditate, I stretch, walk, workout all with a good intentions smile. I drive to work, stop to get one more coffee for the day and pull up to Graze.

And then my energy shifts.

It’s hard to explain. It’s not everyday but the residue is still there on the good days.

I love how my deli looks

I really enjoy my time chatting with my one employee

I love all the creations coming out of it and we put a lot of love and pride into it

There’s just something not clicking.

My intuition is telling me I’m fighting against the inevitable. I needed one more thing to prove to myself. That I still could.

And

I have but I feel like I’m forcing a social experiment on myself and it’s starting to come to a close.

It’s hard for me to stand at that counter and smile. It’s just that transparent.

It’s like I’m working for someone else which is a paradox because I do this so I don’t have to work for someone else.

It’s not me I’m working for it’s my obligation. My comfort zone and this pisses me off because I’ve put quite the effort into this deli but let’s look at the facts:

I’m almost a year and a half into this and I’m still shuffling around.

I’m gonna try this next

And then this

This may work out too let’s give it a try

I just had my sign installed last week. I’ve been open since July 2024. The amount of shit that’s happened since then reads like a script after opening up a mummy’s sacred tomb. I’ve written about it multiple times. I’m not conjuring up these memories again. Not now. They’ve left a big enough stain.

The deli is pushing me away. Doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world. Unless I’m mistaken in my interpretation I’m fighting a wall. I’m pushing against fate

That’s fine and all

But

I could use a little direction.

This

Is

All

I

Know

In a defeated sense it’s like going to prison at 18 and doing 35 years and they let you out with no direction, no PO

I’m not in that thought process I’m being dramatic

Can you see me selling real estate? Bartending? Mechanic? I don’t even change my own oil.

I’m not feeling down yall. You’re getting front row seats to my trail markers while they download.

Downloads in the pm

Understanding in the am

Sometimes.

This was a weird one “hey Chad let’s write”

So I have. And I think I’m done for now because the download has stopped. I’m not picking up anything else but distortion.

Hell of a time for my soul WiFi to go off.

I’m zoning out for the next two days because I can. It’s one of the promises I made to myself when I opened this.. thing. I get to check out for 48 hours.

Hopefully I’m on the right path.

Cheers