If my parents had stayed together my childhood could’ve became worse. My mother no longer loved my father. What if he had still passed at the same time and it had just been my mother and I? She couldn’t drive, she didn’t work. No financial means to keep us safe. My siblings were all moved out by then.

Tom brought security. He didn’t bring love at first but it did come. I don’t think it happened well into my late teens so ten years it took. Tom was aggressive, loud and cross at times. That was my perception

But

He was a hard worker. He was stubborn as fuck and he was sober. He quit drinking years ago. Just an occasional beer. He supported my mother and let her be Peggy. That’s not easy. He taught me how to be independent. He gave me a work ethic.

My childhood wasn’t ideal.

But

It wasn’t bad. I’m strong in hand and mind. I have an edge that I needed for this ride. Tom gave it to me. He was meant to and when I got old enough to carry that edge he softened because he no longer needed it. Tom was the baton to my grit. Adding to that my mother’s pride and my father’s love and you have me.

I am what this created. I don’t look back on my old school bus fights as a violent ritual but more as a sculpting. My life was going to be a hard one so it taught me how to fight. I’ve been hit in the head so many times I no longer flinch.

In the life sense. It gave me that edge that I see finally dulling not because of my age or tenacity but because of the peace I’ve found. I’m passing that baton onto my daughter. In my own way. The way I was meant to for her. In fact everything that happened to me as a child, teenager and young adult I’ve utilized it in the upbringing of my daughter. Part of who she is now is from my life lessons. I’ve impressed these on her. I’d say 90% good and 10% bad. I still smile at the “bad” it’s not anything terrible it’s just some familiar traits that come with being a part of me. She’ll outgrow most of it eventually.

My relationships prepared me for settlement. I got some big emotional bruises from them. I used to refer to them as scars but I turned them into bruises.

Bruises hurt to the touch but they heal. And so did I.

Listen

You can’t be deliriously happy without knowing what soul crushing sad is.

You can’t be grateful without knowing about loss

You don’t know your strengths if you aren’t aware of your weaknesses.

I’ve been a mass of personalities, traumas, bad decisions, heartbreaks, anxiety and poorly timed decisions. Like a pinball in a shittiest arcade theme.

I needed all of this to reach the high score.

Like a rock statue that was never sculpted by hand but by nature.

Natural

Original

Unique

And still standing

Smiling

This is how I make peace. I rewrite the stories of my life with different endings. Perceptions.

It works.

Take some of the shittiest times of your life and write them out with completely different perspectives and the ending changes. Your trauma will follow suit. As will your mental health.

It’s like sculpting with your mind as the chisel.

Life isn’t always bad when you’re looking at it in your rear view mirror and you can see that beautiful horizon that you created behind you.

Peace ☮️