My mother always talked about her “nerves”. Not a “you’re getting on them” type of person my mother spoke of them in a way like you’d refer to your hair on a humid summer day or a head cold.

If she got upset she would point out it’s because of her nerves.

Frazzled? Nerves

Angry? Nerves

Can’t sleep? Nerves

Sofa the wrong color? Nerves

Cobweb over the corner of the tv? Nerves

And so on.

She could have some emotional outbursts you’d never see coming. I had some friends of mine go to the lake with me back in ‘92. We stopped at my parents house because I had some stuff stored in their garage I wanted to grab on the way to the lake. My parents were out on the road (my stepfather was a long distance truck driver). One of my friends left a beer bottle in the side of the yard when we left for the lake. My mother found this beer bottle and called me immediately. When I answered I thought someone in our family died from the sobs coming from my mother. Nope. She was just pissed off that I allowed someone to have a beer at her home. She thought I had thrown a party. I was 21. Hadn’t lived at home in almost 4 years.

She also called me when my brother OD’d and it was the same exact energy and intensity in her voice.

My mom was an emotional woman. She was an extremely proud woman. If you looked or talked down to her may the good lord have mercy on your soul because she would let you have it. Peggy was spirited. Not violent in any way at least not with her children. She’d cut off an arm before hurting any of us and wouldn’t hesitate to cut yours off if any of you tried.

Peggy was a mama bear true to her word.

Don’t get on her nerves

I had a kid call me a faggot when I got off the school bus when I was 13. She was on the porch and heard the insult flung out of the little drop window of the bus. She wanted him dead. No not “he needs his ass kicked” she wanted him dead. It took her 13 year old son well past dinner time to bring her down. That kid struck a nerve.

Some Piedmont reject catcalled my 18 year old sister while we were shopping at Community Trash one summer afternoon and my mother screeched at him and had her nails out like a jaguar. The man was twice her size. He ran back inside of the grocery store. My mother had some lungs on her.

I love my mother with all of my heart y’all if anyone thinks I’m typing this out with ill intentions you’ll see the Peggy come out of me.

It’s always been “you are your father’s child”

I look like my dad. I have his sense of humor. I have his glare, hair color when I had it, his affinity of the bar life, his body type and even his fake gruffness exterior. I’ve always wanted to be like my old man that’s just how it is when you’re a boy. Or how it should be. I also loved my dad with all of my heart. Both parents even separated loved me as a parent should.

I inherited my father’s sense of humor

I’ve also inherited my mother’s nerves.

I don’t struggle with my sense of humor..

Sometimes when I “time travel” pre bedtime my mind will go for a drive down memory lane. While I camped I did something that reminded me of my mother. I can’t recall at the moment I did journal about so I’ll have to go back and look. It was a fleeting moment, I smiled about it and it may have conjured a tear or two. That’s the thing about being outside with no distractions. Your brain will begin to explore.

My mom flashed into my mind just long enough for me to think about some of the old days. I’ve been going through a rewiring process the last few months so if these memories pop up I sit down and have a watch again and see if I need to make peace or adjustments. This is how I deal with childhood trauma and it works for the most part. You can call it shadow work. I use to alchemize my emotions. It’s a long hard process folks.

I had a bit of an emotional crisis yesterday. Nothing outrageous but I lost control. Something I haven’t done in a while. A bunch of currents going the wrong way at the same time while I tried to swim up the river. I had a great time camping for 48 hours but little things had gotten to me.

To my nerves

I camp on Sunday and Mondays because most of yall don’t. I generally have the mtns to myself. I don’t go anywhere on holidays or mid summer if I don’t have to. I can’t reset in traffic nor can I standing in a long line somewhere. This is not relaxing to me. Not anymore. I had a lot of company in the mountains last week. Leaf peepers peeping, tourists touring. It’s all fine and dandy I don’t let it get to me most of the time. Some hiking areas were closed due to current times and I ended up turning around on my way to Boone because traffic was terrible. I didn’t want to sit in my truck all day. I also had to leave for Greenville at 4:30am because my plans of someone covering a few hours of my deli shift didn’t work out. That wasn’t a big deal but it did trigger a flashback of Southern and the tetherment. So yes, it got to my nerves. Gridlock from a wreck near Black Mountain put me behind half an hour. Came home and my wheel jack wouldn’t jack anymore so I couldn’t get my trailer off of my hitch. Had to grab some bricks and a stump to get it off of my hitch. I maintained poise and took a breath. I was completely fine. Left for the deli with a smile still on my face.

Then I pulled up to my deli and see the sidewalk ripped up again.

That’s when Peggy came knocking on my door.

As I’ve said I’ve inherited my mother’s nervous system.

My nerves erupted. I could feel my jaw clench as I walked in the door. Went to the back to turn off my alarm and my sign was lying sideways in my office. I have an 8 foot wooden sign sticking out of my office awaiting a permit that had been submitted 8 weeks ago. It protrudes into the kitchen. It’s starting to get scuffed and every day it sits there I get a reminder of why I hate all bureaucratic procedures. It came to a head.

*Peggy busts down the door. We have achieved full nervous system end game.

My day immediately turned to shit. Full blown knockout blow. I wasn’t manic but man I was ledging. I work the counter during the week. That means I’m the first face you see when you walk in the deli and my face does not hide emotion. Nor does my body language. I was pitching a fit on the inside while trying to pull a smile out of my ass. Luckily for me I only had about 9 customers all day because my storefront aesthetic reads “we are closed” when there are a half dozen guys with 20 orange barrels working in your parking lot. I’m a pacer when I get into my “nerves” I kept walking around the parking lot trying to figure out the best place to drop a grenade. I was the grenade. I hadn’t spiked like that in a bit. Went home to talk about my day to my wife and found everything coming out of me negative. Even my camping experience that I truly enjoyed for the most part I could only conjure the negative.

My nerves had been struck.

I kept my bundle of nerves on the inside for the rest of the night. No sense it letting bleed onto everyone else.

It’s a brand new day but my nerves are still getting it on. Parking lot will not be ready today I’ve made peace with it but it’s going to be staring me in the face all day to attack my nerves. My very bruised nerves.

I have to have resolution in my life. I don’t leave things open I have to close all doors. If I haven’t made peace with a situation or conversation from 29 years ago I’m still thinking about it. This is why I have my rewiring sessions to make peace with old things. It takes an army of concentration. I’ve patched a lot of holes. Still have a ways to go. I went to bed angry last night. I haven’t done that in months. I wanted to fight someone yesterday and I don’t mean arguing.

I hate when I spike. Boy did I. My colleague Barry got to hear 6 hours of rants in between the 9 customers. I had plenty of free time to get it all out.

I’m fine. Sorta

The come down after my camping didn’t help. Every time I go camping I don’t want to come back.

That’s not what you think it means I love being home with my family more than any camping trip it just means I don’t want to come back from that state of mind. I’ve been teetering on the edge of burnout for a bit.

I’m fine really. I needed to write this to release. It does work. Top it off with having breakfast with my daughter this morning and I can feel my nerves downshifting. My daughter didn’t not inherit her grandmother’s nerves.

I’m grateful for that. She did get her smile though. I’m even more grateful for that. She has her mom’s emotional traits. I could not ask for more.

Today will be better. Regardless it will be. My days are about to be filled with seasonal work while I fight the urge of becoming Ralph Waldo Emerson. I’m changing my camping dynamics soon hopefully. That’s a whole ‘nother gear to grind. It’s another thing I got from my mom. She liked to change things up constantly, move things around in her surroundings. Ever wonder why my deli looks different each time you walk in?

Thanks mom.

I don’t mind it actually. I embrace it. Keeps things from getting stale. God I hate stale. The older I get the more I go from

“this is just who you are”

to

“don’t let this define you, it’s how you respond to it that builds you”

Baby steps. Just like my mom taught me how to walk.