This anniversary is a newish one to me.

It turns 5 today. I’m not hyper aware of it like it used to be. I don’t harp on it like I did. Man did I used think about this day every single day for months and even years. It turned up in my social media memories when I reached back to 2020 and my mind did a quick “oh yeah that was today”. I’m currently reflecting back on it as I write this. When I’m done I’ll go back and look at what I’ve written about it in the past and how it compares to now. I’ll graph the changes in my head and if there is anything left to put to rest or discard I’ll do it then. I do this often when I’m writing about substantial events. It allows me to make peace with myself piece by piece. I’ve said this a hundred times, journaling is therapy. Sharing it is even more valuable for me.

I split with my old company today. Approximately 4:15-4:30 Monday September 29th, 2020 I’d sign away 8 years of work and partnership after a brief and heated conversation with my partner. Our partnership wasn’t working out and I made sure I did my best to push it over the edge. I’ve done this in past relationships with others. Once I’ve seen the writing on the wall you can rest assured that I will poke the bear in the room until it roars.

I signed some papers, shook hands after some bitter talk and drove home to let my wife know her 49 year old husband was officially unemployed. It wasn’t a fun conversation. My wife had just lost her job with my company three months before.

I’m not writing this out to attack my old company. That energy is extinguished. It was never really intended in the first place I feel like somethings were said at the wrong time, emotions fueled and rumors were misrepresented. Both sides. There aren’t sides to be had anymore. I’ve made my peace and the ones that mattered have done the same. As I said when my old partner passed last year my outlook was shaken and I made it a point to never speak ill about my old company again.

And I haven’t. While there still remains a small handful of folk who I won’t be having dinner with anytime soon, I’ve closed that chapter and reached out to the ones that mattered to me.

I spent the first two months of my unscheduled freedom drunk on my sofa. I did take a little siesta out to Colorado for some soul searching. It was beneficial but I stayed drunk the whole time I was gone.

I’d walk around my yard blowing leaves around for weeks. Trying to keep my sanity. It had already left the room months ago.

I’ve told this story a dozen times. I survived. It took a minute to get back on my feet but I did.

1825 days.

No grills, no fryers, hoods, schedules, inventory counts, brunch meltdowns, no shows, financial meetings, P&Ls.

1825 days

Healing, coping, recovery, sobriety, learning to love again.

I was forced to reckon with myself. Took a year away from the system that I loved to realize it was the key to my self destruction.

In three months time we’d sell our toxic family home. We lost so much equity in that house but we had to leave. We needed a new start in our relationship, everything tied to Southern had to go.

We downsized to a tiny 2 bedroom house that we currently rent.

And then I put the bottle down.

Life got better then. Our marriage improved because I needed to improve. Chadcuterie was able to pay the bills while also giving me some freedom to live. Southern could never do that. We were always a paycheck away from being broke. 4 car repos in one year back in 2016. What a time to be alive.

It was part of being in that system. The only system I knew. Controlled chaos was my mantra for years. YEARS. The system will own you. The only way to break free is to leave it all behind. And that’s what I did. Step by step. I had offers to partner up and do it all over again but my intuition said no. Every waking moment while I was working out of that little kitchen at Birds my mind was screaming “YOUR BETTER THAN THIS” but my intuition said otherwise. I needed to be humbled to know what I was looking for. To understand what I was missing.

Throwing solo fits in that little corner of the brewery. Crying when I knew no one was watching. I was exactly where I needed to be even though my pride tried to reject it.

Humility

Hard pill to swallow

I grew up. 50 years it took me. Still taking me but I’m much MUCH better now. Still learning to not be an asshat at times.

I was forced out of the system that I had built. Man I was angry. Now I want to shake his hand again and thank him for saving my life.

My real life.

Man I like this guy so much better and my fam will tell you the same. I’m about to have a coffee date with my daughter this morning. I’m gonna fiddle with my camping gear ( a hobby formed after my release). When I look in the mirror I see a completely different person. I always smile at him because Goddamit he’s earned that smile.

Anyhoo

The last 5 years have been quite the journey. The pursuit of happiness has a trail y’all. You won’t find it looking for it. Don’t think you’ll stumble across it either. It’ll find you if you allow it to. Just gotta slow things down until it does.

Hustling is waaaaay overrated. It comes with the cost of sacrifice. Sacrificing your life to make life better.

What a fucking paradox.

Today I’ll have breakfast with my daughter and I’ll smile the whole time because I’ve gotten to watch her grow up the last 5 years instead of having to plug holes in dams. I’ll have my second coffee when the wife wakes up and we get to chat in our little home about things that aren’t work. I may read a book or just sit in silence for a few hours. I no longer try to take over the world. You can have it.

My cat is resting beside me. If I could purr along with it I would. In a way I suppose I am.

Life can throw some ridiculous shit at you sometimes. When it seems like it’s the end of the world that’s when things start to turn.

Don’t fight it. Ride it out. Let your soul do the rest.

That’s all I got. ☮️