Two nights ago while I was lying in bed my mind was doing its nightly jog around my brainwaves. Bedtime is one of the best times for me to let my mind go free range for about a half hour or so. I don’t give it any particular task or setting. I put my headphones on, turn on my nightly playlist and let it all go. My mind always moves backward at this time of night.

It’s intentional.

I make it my mission not to think about upcoming events or tasks that need attention before sleepy time. My sleep is always better when I don’t focus on the what ifs or what next projects once I figured out that making plans or conjuring projects right before bedtime was poo poo for my sleeping habits my sleep immediately improved. I also don’t dwell on old toxic memories. Through time, I’ve managed through self hypnosis to focus only on healthy memories or ones that stand out to me in positive way. Like riding a train and only getting off stations that lead to enlightenment and happiness. It works well for me. Sometimes the train will try to drop me off at some of the old places I used to hang out but I’ve gotten pretty good at recognizing the better places to get off the train. I can recall riding a train with an old friend of mine up to DC from Maryland and there were a few stops in between in Baltimore that he would tell me “never get off the train here” referring to some of the not so nice areas that surrounded the station. My brain does the same thing.

“Don’t get off here, this isn’t your stop”

Once I figured out how to ride the train and where to get off the less bad neighborhoods I came across.

As I was riding my mental train that night my mind suggested I remove some old routes. “These stops aren’t necessary anymore.” I had my mind on one specific timeline in my life that I still look back on and as I keep reflecting on it the more I realize it no longer resonates with who I am as a person now.

I have eras in my life that are of no use to me anymore.

Quite a few actually but the process to clean up my hard drive takes some curating.

I decided to try a little something different while I laid in my meditative state. I wanted to remove a large chunk of memory data from my brain. Not erase the data I don’t think that’s possible without a lobotomy or a rock to the noggin. I mentally compressed it into a file and put it into a folder in my brain. I picked a specific date to begin and one to end it on. Not the exact day or date necessarily but close to what I wanted to compress. In my head I edited it just like you would if you were editing a reel to post on social media. Do you know what I’m talking about? The little edit icon with scissors where you can shorten or lengthen a segment of your reel? In my mind I took a rather large chunk of memories and compressed it into a small file. Around 15 years to be precise. I physically squinted my eyes as I completed it to add a little more depth and energy to my intentions. It felt a little silly but at the same time my mind sort of released like a balloon slowly letting its air out. Then as per the norm I went to sleep shortly after.

The era I compressed, to me, was a time that where I felt no growth, no change, mass negativity and lack of beneficial energy. A system that for the longest time had changed me and redefined me into a different Chad. One I’m no longer a part of.

I’m referring to both subjects here- me and the system.

Somewhat brainwashed for years. The era wasn’t hell or terrible by any means I made some good forever friends from this time, this old train station but the environment/system that attached to me like a parasite had to go and well that means most of the memories that were also attached to it.

The more you self analyze your life and the past the more clues you will find that will help you locate the source of certain toxic elements. I call this shadow work. It was a part of my self repair. Ive spent the last 4 years rebuilding/rebranding/reckoning myself.

I put an end to it not so long ago but there was still some dust to be swept up after everything that had settled.

A few more train stations to remove off my route.

One my commute to work yesterday morning I touched base with my little meditation session the night before. I took myself back to that era and it scrambled like an old tv station.

Static

White noise

No I didn’t erase my mind and that wasn’t my intention. What I did was take it off of auto recall. At least that’s what I’m hoping for and in my short recollection during my commute I did just that. My mind was trying to recall the era and it stalled. If I sat in my truck and told myself to pull up a specific moment from that timeline I could. I can right now but I’ve put into a file that takes a moment to access and that’s exactly what I intended to do.

The point?

Your nervous system relies on your past. Your response and relationship to just about every emotional situation comes from your nervous system. Your reaction to most stimuli.

Over time I’ve begun to recognize my habitual tendencies and reactions because of past events and systems. To remove these systems and memories it allows me to rewire my nervous system. It’s a painstakingly slow process.

But

It works.

I’m not ignoring my past mistakes nor am I trying to make them go away. I’m just making peace with the one person who needs to accepted it and move on.

Me

Like rereading the last letter you’ll ever write to someone before you lick the envelope.

I picked this specific era for how it had/has defined me for the last few decades. Anytime I had moved forward from that era it still attached itself like a barnacle. Some of my toxic habits today were founded in that time and they grew with me like malignant tumors.

This isn’t making peace with them actually. It’s a discardment (Chad word)

A stripping

A tiny little file in my brain that won’t open unless I physically click my little mouse button on it.

Not gonna do it. Wouldn’t be prudent. *George Bush voice

That was my intention. Now it’s time to see if my nervous system will follow suit.

Peace and elbow grease