Sometimes when I write I’ll go back and read it a few times after it’s posted. When I write I’m releasing all sorts of energy out of my body and soul. Some things I write I’ll post it but not on my social media. It’s on my site but I don’t feel like letting it all out there. I also have around five dozen drafts I’ve started and walked away from. They may or may not ever be completed but the headlines are good reminders that I may drive back around to that vibe again one day and let it settle.

I’ve reread my post about our dog Lucy probably a dozen times. It helps me process. I cry each time I read it.

Like I said it helps me process.

I cried more when my dog died than when my mother passed. It has nothing to do with one meaning more than the other to imply that is ridiculous.

Ludicrous

The difference being was my dog was a daily abundance of overflowing love and affection that I sort of took for granted for years and now it’s just vanished. My mother’s passing was also sudden but she had been aging in her 80’s, her mind was going and my mind was trying to make peace with the outcome before the end. I wasn’t disassociating with my mother I was slowly preparing myself for the moment that was inevitable. Because of all the covid bullshit I didn’t see my mother as much as I would’ve liked to the last two years. How ironic that it would still be Covid that took her from me. My mother will always be in my heart.

She created mine.

Changing the subject

Summers at the deli are average this is my second one and it’s right on target to be like last year’s. My business is somewhat seasonal so slowish summers are the cool down before fall kicks in. I expressed my frustration of the road construction in front of my deli. I was careful how I let my words come out this time around. I make a solid effort not to loop into some old behavioral patterns. It was the loss of control of my businesses during the COVID lockdown that chapped my ass and caused me to part ways with my old company. While this wasn’t the same I was dealing with another “my business is being affected by more bureaucrat bullshit”

Triggered

Very triggered

But

I maintained. Slow and steady.

It’s absolutely 💯 out of my control. The business will come back.

But

I still deal with the inside voice of “why do I keep putting myself through this?”

I’m getting better at it.

But

Man..

Anyway

Attracting retirement vibes.

Once I’m done manifesting my retirement I’ll write a book about it.

Warmth of the Sun by The Beach Boys is serenading on my headphones.

“Still I have the warmth of the sun”

*trail markers

Highly recommend on the headphones

I have my Lucy’s old blanket in my lap. It’s freshly washed but still smells like her.

I smell the aroma of something that’s no longer around. I held myself together pretty well after we put Lucy down until I came home after work to see one of her lawn “adornments” next to the sidewalk of our home. Man I used to get so mad when I’d have to watch out for the dog-made minefield in our yard. As I walked by I realized I’d never have to complain about it again and that’s when the flood gates opened.

And here they come again.

Life’s beautiful man. To be able to love something so much even an animal, can open your heart.

Of course she was more but you get it.

Thanks Lucy for triggering my emotions with some dog shit.

I got a deli to run today. I wrestle with my emotions when I think of that too.

I got a teeny tiny tug of war going on in my head.

Domestication 🪢 Feralism (yeah I made that word up I don’t care)

My feet belong in a creek not in New Balance shoes.

“Waiting for my real life to begin” – Colin Hay now plays in my headphones.

Trail markers