My family is a small family and we are a tight one. I love the relationship I have with my daughter and her’s with her mother. We have open conversations and are extremely transparent with our daughter. My wife especially I’m just the guy with a giant club in my hands if I feel like my family is in danger. Our family is small and they are the most precious thing I could ever have.

Our little family additions are dog Lucy and two cats Chipotle and Velcro.

We adopted Lucy in 2012 from a rescue

Chipotle was adopted in 2017 and Velcro adopted us in 2021 via the cat distribution system. This cat was placed here to watch over my daughter. To understand this you just have to live here. The cat has an odd special bond to my kid and well who can blame it? We all do

Chipotle is my trusty steed and as per the norm is nestled beside me in the sofa during my morning coffee. I don’t think I’ve ever been so attached to a cat before. I know it has to do with my change in lifestyle. My heart has gone completely soft in my 50s and I’m home a lot more now.

Every morning when I get up I make my coffee and do my daily ear scratches. Always the cat first she’s closer and then I give Lucy a good scratch and the end of her tail would thump the floor.

Today is the first day I haven’t scratched her ears (if I’m home) in 10 years.

No scratches, no tail wagging beating their own drum on the floor, none of her little excited snorts and sneezes when I came into the room.

Lucy, like all dogs got old way too soon. I know it’s a part of life but it’s ridiculous that dogs don’t get to live longer. Her legs couldn’t hold her up anymore and she was getting dementia. She’s always had a leg issue from arthritis but it got much worse in the last year. She was a pitbull/dane mix and unfortunately Danes don’t live that long and Lucy inherited part of that result.

My wife had the obligation of receiving the news and dealing with the situation. Jess is the matriarch of the family. She’s the rock. I’m the one that can be a mess. She had to make the difficult decision while I was building boxes at the deli. We knew all along it was time but sometimes you just hope for impossible miracles. This wouldn’t be one of them.

Today

I knew this morning would be hard.

And it is.

Her cushion (that she rarely slept on) is still on the floor with her blanket. It’s my unspoken duty to take care of these things today before I go to work. Her food bowl is in the dishwasher. We will be saving that and her collar along with a thousand memories.

I’m not a dog person I’m a cat person. That doesn’t mean I dislike dogs I’m just more comfortable around cats. I prefer cats to dogs our personalities are similar but I loved Lucy like she was a big cat. Often times she was. She was an 80 lb cuddle bug that refused to leave her mother’s side (Jess). Where Jess walks Lucy walked. Even in her final days she would limp in pain to follow her mother around because that’s what good, loving dogs do

She was fierce when she needed to be but a big baby at heart. When I had my jeep I often left her in the car with my daughter with my top down if I had to run into the store. Anyone that knows me knows I’m over protective when it comes to my daughter. It shows the trust I had in Lucy to watch over her. I can recall a giant of a man coming into a record store I had stopped to grab an album, I could see my daughter and Lucy from the register but I had been concerned when this giant and walked past them. As he entered the store he said “I don’t know who’s jeep that is but they don’t have to worry about anyone messing with the kid in the back seat” he joked as he was referring to the warning growl he received from Lucy.

Lucy was our guardian. No one entered our house without her permission. I always slept lousy in our old home until we got Lucy. After that I slept like a baby I knew no one in their right mind would come at her when she was in her prime. If you truly knew her you’d know she’d probably run and hide in the closet. Her bark was indeed bigger than her bite but that big pitbull jaw and gruff was imposing.

We have a close family. She was our second child. This morning is a tough one man. This was my first real family dog. It just might be our last. How do you replace a child of yours?

We have a tiny house but this room feels giant and empty right now. Lucy Goose you got me good today.. even Chipotle notices it.

Dying is a part of living. That’s what I’ve told my daughter on specific occasions when needed and I’m telling myself that same thing right now. We are all energy though and energy never dies. Dogs have souls as do all animals. Thats why they dream. Thats why I still feel her here.

Man

Your mama sure did love you. That’s probably the toughest part for me. I’m here to divert all the pain and grief from my family. I can’t catch this one though it has to process.

That’s why I’m writing today. To process the pain. It helps.

It’s healthy to express the mourning. I’m getting it all out or as much as I can. We knew it was coming it just came a little quicker than expected. You want to run out and adopt a puppy as fast as you can to mask the pain. That’s just not happening. Lucy deserves her space and attention and she’ll get it just like a good girl should.

I’m so glad I get two hours alone time every morning. It’s needed today. A lot of trauma has been dumped on this sofa seat over the last couple of years. This damn dog has really gotten me this time.

Did I mention how tight our family is?

Our family has lost an appendage this week. I’m gonna have to cut this one short.

Rest in peace Lucy “Goosie Goose” you were the bestest goodest girl.