I’m changing.

I’ve been changing the past few years but it’s been on turbo mode the last few months.

My mind or soul has beginning to reject some old habits and beliefs that have rode shotgun with me for my entire life. I’m in reboot mode and man it’s a tough ride. Turbulence but with solid seatbelts.

Anxious but grounded.

Part of it has been a ride I must’ve signed a shitty contract without reading the fine print and then it just dropped me off at a exit with no street signs and said “go find yourself slick!” I had to walk to a gas station and ask for directions to my soul.

The person behind the counter is also me. The old me.

When I refer to these two completely different people I am quick to say that one is no better than the other. Just different perspectives. No identity splits only the paths have. The old Chad built me. This one is trying to burst out of his stale cocoon.

It’s exhausting. Not in the physical sense but spiritual. And even that isn’t what you may think I’m implying. My world is different from my old one. My four years of my “reckoning” wasn’t a side quest it was a pilgrimage, a personal crusade that I didn’t create for myself. Someone else did. All I’ve been doing every waking moment is to find that person. The one the wrote “your reckoning is over”

My reckoning gave me something to do with myself. Now that it’s over I find myself staring into a void.

“Now what?” is asked a lot.

I keep waiting on my certificate or diploma. I’m a reward type of guy. When I work hard I reward myself. I want my life trophies.

It’s like graduating high school with no counselor telling you what to do with your diploma. Man do I feel that one too.

I know it’ll come to me. I’m just impatient.

A lot of things that used to interest me have moved on. Friends and cliques that have clung have been released. Not in a bad way they’re still friends I’ve only dissolved that circle that I thought was necessary.

Work is my struggle. It’s hard to describe the specific situation. I enjoy creating, I enjoy having my own business and working for myself there’s no option for working with someone else again I’m at the point of no return with that perspective.

There’s just these days I’m at my deli and my mind is telling me

“This just ain’t it bud”

I know this

Listen, I could be in much, MUCH worse scenarios. I’m thankful for what I have, what I’ve created. Doesn’t mean that it fits.

Because I’m changing. I’ve been changing but only now do my “clothes” no longer fit me.

No frustration to be detected here folks I’m only narrating what I’m feeling. Or what is to be felt. I’m shuffling through a deck of cards trying to find my new ace ♠️.

In my headphones “Somewhere only we know” by Keane is playing in the background

“I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete”

“I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin”

This song isn’t playing because of coincidence. I’ve mentioned I no longer believe in the existence of coincidences.

Just me reaching out to me. I’ve gotten used to this form of communication now. My trail markers.

I haven’t written much this week my mind is going through another transition of transmission. I’m here but not really. I’ll land soon I always manage to, life has been easier once I figured out how not to land on my face.

I feel the changes before I land now. This one feels different and I’m unable to say more. No I’m not prophesying just an inner statement. I’ve been saying in my head 2025 would be a different year for me and it has been. But I think it’s only brushed me so far.

*twilight zone theme plays in background.

Life’s different now y’all. That’s all I can say. Once you start to figure things out it changes you. I’m not above all the bullshit or any holier than thou thing. I’ve just changed.

That’s all

That’s it

It’s a good one yall but I’m still downloading the game. I’m trusting my trail markers fully.

Peace and elbow grease.