It’s unofficially Graze’s birthday today. July 26th is the official opening, I unlocked Grazeland on a Tuesday last year but lasted about an hour before I closed it again right after I opted to take a covid test when I opened the doors. It was a positive test score I already knew I had something I’d never had before I had been struggling the weekend before but wrote it off as exhaustion from pushing to open. I had a slight fever, no sense of smell and I had an odd brain fog that made it hard to even navigate to work. I shut the deli down for a week because I couldn’t think. I had finalized my menu while riding high on Covid and it was a mess so I spent a few hours inside the deli trying to piece the menu back together. I’d sit on that ridiculous sofa with a blank notebook in my lap. Could not come up with a single word or idea. Did it for three days. We threw out all of our prep and had to start over. I finally opened again with a small abbreviated menu the following Saturday. 15 people came in.

14 of them were friends.

The following Tuesday we had a $200 day of sales. I was already trying to crunch numbers to survive. I had overlooked a significant line on my forecasts and had a small breakdown.

Small business trauma is real folks. I’ve locked a lot of doors, walked away from a lot of dreams I’ve built. I built Graze with my own money. No loans, no partnerships no credit line other than a gold Amex I never used. I had little capital to hold my deli open.

I’ve mentioned here before I was struggling with confidence issues after my last business. It was still fresh in my head. I went from

“I can do anything if I put my mind to it” to “my brand is weak, I don’t have anymore ideas left in me”

I closed my deli an hour early that Tuesday. During my breakdown I texted my wife with a “I can’t handle failing again”

Sometimes it’s her assurances that keep me from drowning.

That low confidence mantra stayed with me until 2025. Throw in a hurricane that shut me down for 9 days with no pay to really test my resolve.

I read some of my old deli blog posts from last summer and I can feel the anxiety. I had never opened a business on my own. Chadcuterie was solo but it was mobile. I depended on other people’s facilities. It didn’t help that both places I worked out of closed down within a year of each other.

Each day I got closer to opening the less I slept at night. I’d lie in bed frozen in fear. It got in my head. The past failures didn’t want to leave. They dug their nails into my head.

Resets are essential to my mental health. I wasn’t allowed any in 2024.

I’m a believer of struggle brings strength. My only issue was in my mind I’d been in a four year period of struggle that didn’t need anymore seasoning. I was pushing myself to the brink of another breakdown. Something in my mind kept telling me that 2025 will different. Not better, not worse just different. It wasn’t a beacon of light just a “breathe Chad”

Once October hit with boxes I was too busy to focus on anything but work.

Charcuterie pays the bills. Sandwiches pay my employee. For the first two months there was no charcuterie.

If I had opened just to make sandwiches not sure where I’d be right now.

2025 rolled around and I’ve been on a mission to fix my noggin. I’ve repaired quite a bit of old equipment in my head. I’m not standing on top of a mountain singing Zippity Doo Da by any means but I’ve made a lot of progress.

I’m grounded. I don’t play games inside of my head anymore. I’ve found peace and harmony with a little help from my soul and family. Whatever was telling me 2025 would be different. Well you nailed it. I’m still processing it but my headspace is much better.

The deli pays the bills yall. It’s not failing in anyway. Something always comes through when it’s a tough week. It’s sorta odd actually. I’ve had to relax my control. I haven’t changed anything in quite some time.

The market part didn’t work out and thats fine. The little things I add to sell do just fine. It could be a little more consistent but we make it work. I’m not trying to rebuild Rome.

My colleague Barry is always dependable and it’s healthy to have a friend working across from you. I’ve gotten much better with talking to folks again and I engage.

I’m on a three year lease with my deli. Signed it in April 2024. I’ve got about a year and a half to decide what to do.

Pros

I’m established.

My rent is affordable.

The area around me is bustling with construction.

Roadwork on my street is creating a few parallel parking spaces.

Cons

The parking is shit. It doesn’t help the neighboring businesses take up 30% of the lot. Situational awareness anyone?

I’m restricted to the size of my place. People like to dine in. I have 12 seats. It gets crowded quick.

Other con? I just don’t know how much service industry I have left in me. It’s stolen a large portion of my life. I don’t say that with malice.

Just recognition. It’s a relationship where you still live together but there’s no more intimacy.

I don’t hate the service industry. I don’t hate what I do.

That’s literally all I have to say about it. Take it as you will.

I’m just changing into someone else and it doesn’t relate to this anymore. I have to be careful how I word this I don’t want my brain to track it the wrong way.

I’m living in a paradox. I want my deli to be like Southern’s brunch. I want a line out the door I want to be king of what I created.

I just don’t have the physical passion to ride that wave anymore. The creative confidence is back. I could add 20 sandwiches in half an hour if I wanted to. I sometimes lie in bed at night and create full menu concepts while I try to fall sleep. The creativity is back.

Writing helps.

That said my deli sandwiches are the best in the upstate. Some of you don’t see the extra steps we take to make it that way. As long as I continue this journey I will always take the extra steps necessary to create a better edible product. I stand by what I said.

Sorry I don’t do cheesesteaks.

So I’m not sure what direction I may go when my lease gets skinny. I have extension options. I don’t mind my landlords they’re easy to work with. I’ve got a few additions I could do to build my business but that means more employees, more leases, more work. Me? I just like spending time with my family at home. Oh and to prop my feet up by a campfire on a ridge line in the woods. I’m catching up for what I’ve lost in time. I’ve earned it gosh darn it.

I’m a cozy as it gets at the moment. I’m smiling more than frowning and that’s a good thing.

Happy anniversary Graze. I’m glad we’ve become friends now.