1282 days since I last held a cold glass of vodka and cran in my hands. I probably held half a dozen or so that night I can’t recall so that’s why I came up with that number. The sixth one is usually when I start losing things. Little things like my memory, motor skills, mind, vehicle (I once reported my jeep stolen because I couldn’t remember where I parked it). It was a defining moment in my life. There’s memories for the recycle bin and I’m here for a lot of them.

Let’s talk about alcohol and the benefits of drinking

Great talk

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I watch through a very “unjudgemental” (I make up my own words folks it’s my blog) eye quite a few of my friends, social media friends who live the lifestyle I used to partake in and see remnants of my old ways. The pics you post show friends with big smiles, arms around each other (only one the other is holding a beverage), video footage of shot rounds, toasts of things that must be toasted, embarrassing but fun selfies with one eye looking away from the camera because your blood type is fireball.

It’s difficult for me not to pull your ass out of that pic and shake you. Not in a violent “you asshat!” way more like trying to wake you up from a bad dream that you may never wake up from.

I will never put my sobriety on a pedestal it’s not meant to be. I prefer it to be more of a beacon.

Flashing “come talk to me if you’re ready”

“When you’re ready”

I’m proud to say I’ve got a small handful of folks who have turned the corner from my posts and my words. I don’t preach I have no reason to and it’s just not how this works.

I tell my story to encourage. You won’t quit drinking unless you’ve decided to stop. That’s it. That’s completely it.

We’ll come back to that shortly if my ADHD holds back.

“But Chad you take THC”

Yep I have and I do. I’ve also taken weeks off without it and didn’t want to pull my skin off my body. If I choose to indulge it’s after 7pm. I don’t smoke anything or take gummies to hang out and laugh at cereal boxes all day. It’s controlled, very easily. I usually drink a little mg seltzer for my bedtime nightcap. That’s all I need really and it’s not a need. I like having a cold cylindrical cup in my hand at night. It’s my security blanket.

Beer? I’ll have one. Just one. It’s my life, my rules, my therapy. I’ve gone without beer it doesn’t control me.

And by golly gee whiz it works for me

Man does it ever. All of this.

I’ve mentioned psilocybin in my posts. I’ve taken small doses three times in the last four years and a healthy one for one amazing experience. That’s about it. I don’t take mushrooms with my morning coffee (not this kind) nor do I pop one in my mouth to go for a hike. Although micro dosing can be amazing for your mental health. The government doesn’t like natural remedies it takes money from their pockets. Hard to tax something you can find in the woods.

I don’t micro dose because I no longer have no need.

I have no need because I’ve gotten a firm grip on my mental health.

Did quitting the bottle fix my mental health? Did sobriety erase my depression?

No

But

It was the bridge to all of it.

You don’t put the bottle down and flowers start growing out of your ass.

You have to address a few things inside of you. The system you allowed yourself to get immersed in. The small bouts of childhood trauma, old relationships that latch onto you over time like mental barnacles. You have to identity these attachments and release them. Shadow work.

Why do I need to quit? That’s the easiest question to ask yourself and the hardest to commit to. If you’ve ever even thought once “I need to quit drinking” then you’re already there.

Once you’re on the sobriety train then the hard questions begin to pop up

“Now what do I do?”

“Do I find a new social circle?”

“Will there be an acceptable social circle for me?”

“Will my friends still hang out with me?”

“How do I relax after work?” That was a big one for me. My vodka was my reward for surviving the day. For months my vocation was terrible because I felt like I was withholding my work bonus when I left. That ice cold vodka was my treat to myself. I felt like I earned it. Boy did I.

Can’t have nice things anymore

Alcohol rewires your decision making, emotional control, morals, compulsions. When you drink enough over time those indulges, impulsions, poor judgments are no longer separated by alcohol. You and that other side become one. You start off as Jekyll and Hyde.

Eventually Hyde absorbs Jekyll and you’re just low key Hyde until you have your first drink.

It took me years to get Jekyll back. It took more than taking the potion away. The potion had become part of my daily life and personality.

Hyde is long gone now but it wouldn’t take much for him to come back out.

First year of sobriety was a celebration for me. It allowed me to realize that I was capable of beating Goliath. One year under my belt I could feel my brain healing. I lost 15 lbs and my frown lines started to clear up. The downside I was dealing with anxiety. I didn’t know how to steer my nervous system. It was still in control of me and would be my main battle for the next two years. It took another two years to realize this.

Year 2 the governor on my brain started to loosen up. I started reading much more and implementing meditation but mostly just sitting still with some music playing in the background. My focus was better but I still had my emotional moments. Add the stress of opening another business pushed me a little and some old emotions started to return but I kept the bottle from my lips. I knew regardless of the stress level I was dealing with I refused to roll back that sober day odometer. I shared every step to hold myself accountable. There were a lot of you pulling for me and some pulling the other way.

Year three and current. This has been the defining year so far. I didn’t just face Goliath I knocked his fucking head off. Peace entered my heart on year three. I set my sights on resolving some old trauma and it opened the flood gates. My control over my emotions have steadied. I have my moments, dams get cracks sometimes but I recover quickly and go about my day.

I’ve slowed my gait dutifully. I’m at ease if the deli does $10 or $1000. I find myself no longer reacting emotionally. That was a tough one. Still is. I cry quite a bit. I enjoy it, the tears aren’t the same as they used to be.

From emotional leaks to emotional lube.

Life still ebb and flows but I know how to ride the wave now.

The fear of the bottle is long gone.

It’s not that hard to witness . Anyone who spends time with me sees it now. I’m not the same person. It’s a little surreal. The only thing left for me is to fully recognize that and move forward. Your environment changes, your circle shifts and shrinks. It’s not a bad thing it took me years to realize that circle should be tight. I was trying to fit as many people in that circle as I could. This suits me so much better.

I’m turning 54 soon and I’m just now figuring things out. I’m glad I waited this long. I think I was meant to. Struggle is part of the ride.

You’ll never figure it out going through life as a drunk. That’s as judgmental as I get. If I were here to continue selling tickets to the show it this would be the Super Bowl.

Sobriety can’t be pushed. You have to find it for yourself. That’s the only person that can keep you from drinking.

Always open to talk about it. Coffee in hand.

Cheers yall. ☕️