Sometimes I find myself in a comfort zone loop. My hobbies take me to some of the same consistent areas and behaviors over time. I like my happy places because well, they make me happy. It’s like driving to a specific restaurant to eat your favorite meal. Which I often do.

I had bantered back and forth with myself about a quick camp up to my happy zones. I’m still making up for lost time from last year’s activities that kept me indoors for most of the year. Monday early morning I decided to push forward with my plans. I’d go straight from the mountains to the deli the next morning which I did. I didn’t have an itinerary other than I wanted to complete a 24 hour fast while up there and I unplugged for the whole time I camped. Took four books with me and found myself shuffling between all four. Couldn’t get in my reading groove. Long walk to a small peak to stand above the ridge line and collect my thoughts.

Wrote down some things I no longer wanted my mind to be associated with and threw it in the campfire.

A ritual of separation.

It was a difficult evening. Mother Nature decided to host a late night show that she wanted me to watch as a thunderstorm stayed around my area well into the early morning. I layed in passenger side seat of my truck with my headphones on while the rain beat with no rhythm overhead. I knew it would be a sleepless night. Not my first rodeo and as long as I continue with this lifestyle it won’t be my last. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows yall.

Monday night was sort of an ebbing. I did my best to flow with it.

Not sure why I chose to fast it just seemed appropriate (hello intuition) and the digital unplugging was also included with the package. I also chose not to speak aloud until I got home. You don’t realize how often you talk to yourself when you’re alone until you purposely zip up your mouth.

24 hours of no food, phone and verbalizing. I did respond to a few necessary texts but stayed off all the scrolls. I suppose you could add no sleep to that list I may have gotten an hour or two or just tranced out.

I had no itinerary as to what this should accomplish. I went through it with my intuition steering the best I could. I can recall one moment while “resting” in my truck smiling at myself and thinking “my intuition is an asshole”

I pulled my groggy ass out of my truck around 5:15 to start packing up all of my soaked gear. My headlamp was pinging on several spider webs. My site was filled with glistening little intricate webs all around my trailer, little guys resting in the corners. I made it a point years ago not to disturb nature in its place but sadly I had to disturb a few spider condos to pack my things up.

My camp was soaked mud but my truck pulled the trailer out without any drama and I drove to a little ridge to make some coffee. The sunrise was coming and I needed the sun to bless my day before I left after a long night. I needed a little balance.

Took out my phone and wrote in my notes.

Title

Linville Seal

I wrote one sentence

“Today I no longer have to struggle”

I wrote it with no preemptive thought or intention. I made my coffee, sat on my tailgate and typed it out. I knew what I was typing at the time it wasn’t another hand this time. It was mine and the action. Just didn’t know up until the moment I wrote it what it was going to say.

This automatic writing was conjoined.

If I went into detail about what I wrote on that little piece of paper and burned the evening before you would understand what this little jaunt did for me.

I wrote about my frustration of the feeling of having to struggle to survive. In response to a rather unpleasant day of work the other day. I wanted to release that energy.

For good.

In some irony after I wrote and burned my intentions a storm decided to add some salt to my struggles. Which was why I smirked while curled up in the front seat of my truck.

So when I say I wrote “Today I will no longer have to struggle”

It means I wrote it but I didn’t. I completed a task I didn’t write for myself. Didn’t even dawn on me until this morning when I woke up and saw the note I had written 24 hours before. I had typed it out and completely discarded the thought.

Sometimes downloads take a minute.

I sat on my sofa with the same smirk I had while reclined in my truck.

Things are changing me, changing for me. Listen to be transparent that camping trip was meh. I’d say worse but I’m working on how I filter my experiences. I don’t try to speak negatively on them regardless. It leaves a bad taste in my head.

It was a tough one but I received a new download. A pretty big one I’m betting.

I was also “told” to give Linville a break. She doesn’t need me up there for awhile. Not sure exactly what that means but I intend to honor it.

It makes sense for no reason.

This trip up the hill was imprinted by intuition and impressed by its intentions. Did I say that right?

Let’s see what the next chapter has to say.