A part of my new daily routine now that I’ve logged in a couple years worth of journaling is to look back to see what I wrote around this time each morning. I started my online journaling in March of 2023. It was only sporadic I may have posted once every two or three weeks the first year. I didn’t create a cadence of writing until 2024 when I started a daily input. Some just drafts, some private and then these here that I let anyone read.

I analyze my annual thoughts to the best of my ability. After a paragraph or two I can tell you exactly where my headspace was floating towards that day, what was bothering me (that’s seemed to be the reason I wrote half the time) and if I was able to release it all or is it still sitting with me while I read it all over again.

If I see progress I know I’m moving in the right direction.

My old reckoning as I call it now has been inscribed in great detail on here since I used this platform to express it. To those of you who don’t read my journals as closely as some others do I was told a couple of weeks ago that my reckoning was over. I’m still processing that message.

Have you ever had something else use you to communicate to yourself? Write down something you didn’t write?

It will change you.

Or maybe it just allowed me to wake up out of a long dream.

It’s surreal to look read something you journaled about a year ago and think to yourself-

“that’s not me”

“He’s gone”

“Who’s here now?”

I’ve made a marathon of changes over the last 5 years but the last 5 months have been the wildest. I was actually hitting a low point of regression (not the alcohol part mind you I’m good with that guy) it was the emotional state that was peaking. My anger issues were through the roof. I was explosive, unbalanced and felt a little out of my mind. I was frustrated as to why my sobriety wasn’t improving my mental health anymore.

In retrospect I now see that all of the years of anger and resentment needed to build up into its final, boiling steam to release the pressure.

And it did.

*closes big fat long chapter

Those last 5 years accumulated into an evaporation of evaluation on February 2nd, 2025. How prophetic that it would happen in my zen. Perched in my roof top tent.

It’s a transition, an alignment. Like driving on a washboard gravel road as it gradually smooths out to fresh paved asphalt you hardly even notice until you find yourself gliding.

My reckoning has ended. As I write it down it makes sense to me what it means.

Dues have been paid

You reckoned with your humility

Reckoned with the solitude

Cleanse

Rewiring= alchemy = transformation. I can truly look into myself and say I’ve changed.

Not my hair

Not my glasses prescription

Not my deodorant or shoes

I’ve changed.

Period

Self help graduate here. Nice to meet you.

My real journey has only just begun.

My eyes see a different world now it’s a little hard to explain.

Peace

Peace lives inside of me now.

It’s too beautiful to say here.

☮️