I’ve been reading my old journal entries from last year. It’s a process I’ve started just this last week to see where I’ve been in my head the last year.

The deli updates reflected quite a bit of frustration and anxiety. I put myself through the wringer on purpose to serve myself a meal of humility. It was part of my reckoning. A very large part of it actually. I had just spit out the last of covid in my bloodstream and then I pulled my back out while trying to push a display cooler over a concrete stoop.

My head was not in a good space. It’s not the words I wrote so much as it was my emotions standing behind them. I wanted to close that deli down. I wanted to go back to a small ghost kitchen, appointments only and isolate myself like I had for the last three years. In my head I was “too old” “too tired”‘and burned out.

I kept that storyline in my head well into Christmas and then some. It wasn’t until February that the deli and I made up. I was a father to a child I did not want.

I haven’t been working on turning the deli upside down I’ve been doing that all along. My focus became having conversations with my consciousness.

To stop hating the outside things because of what the inside things are telling you.

I wrote “I am the author and creator of my perspective.” in that blog from last year and at that time I wrote it as meaning

“no one understands what I’m going through”

“My life has made me this way”

What I wrote last year pings on a completely different level today.

My implementation of trail markers manage to raise my eyebrows from time to time. Trail markers being things my intuition highlights for me to follow a path I’ve been marching since around February.

February 2nd, I had an experience in my tent where I literally thought I was dying. You can call it a panic attack, euphoric feeling that made me feel like I was leaving my body (which is why I thought I was dying) I didn’t leave my body mind you it just felt like my inside wanted to go for a ride in the sky. No floating about. I hit a euphoric sensation so intense my brain told me the only way this was possible was that I was descending into the afterlife.

I panicked. Not because I was afraid of dying but because I didn’t want my family to find me dead 200 miles away in a tent. That’s all that was going through my mind. I threw half my body out of my tent to catch my breath and collect myself.

I didnt die obviously I’m here telling you my story. This isn’t zombie Chad talking although a part of me definitely died that night or quite the opposite.

A part of me came to life.

Spirituality is a four letter word to a lot of you out there and for the most part it has been for me too. My religious upbringing sure put a damper on the golden gate community. I’ve always held tight to my own beliefs but the compass never worked or maybe I just didn’t know how to use it.

I touched on something, not in the tent mind you but with the slow progression of trail markers enlightening me once I got my bearings.

I’m not here to start a cult, church or tell all of you to go out and save yourselves because the lord is near. It’s not like that. Not even close. Nor at this time will I share my viewpoint on it because sometimes it’s good to find your footing and direction in life without trying to shove it down other people’s’ throats. If I can say anything with certainty there will be more who see this perspective soon.

Collectively.

Life’s wild man.

“I am the author and creator of my perspective” hits much differently now than when I first wrote it. I have no doubt I wrote that to be read again when I was ready.

Over a hundred blog posts and I scroll right to that one to reflect on. I read that sentence and smiled.

I’ve been practicing this mantra since February

“I am the author and creator of my perspective”

What does this mean to me?

I can change my perspective.

I can change how I view my life

How I live my life

How I let things affect my life

When I wrote it last year it was to describe why things in my life have affected me over the years to cause my experiences to be like this. I wrote it out to represent a constant. Not a variant. I’ve been living most of my life to roll with the punches as a standard.

Work to survive

Always focusing on the ebbs.

Time to flow.

Why? Because I’m the author and creator of my own perspective.

It’s just that simple. That’s the whole fucking mantra.

You live in the world you create for yourself. To quote what I heard not so long ago “stop doing stupid things that make your life suck”

It’s actually that simple. No I’m not selling courses. Obviously because if you’re reading this I’m coming in vague and fuzzy. It’s completely my intention because I’m still in the kindergarten phase and this ain’t something to overly paraphrase.

But

I don’t see the world like I used to. That’s a good thing. In fact to be honest I’ve taken myself out of the equation of daily life as much as I can. And I’m going to keep pushing my way out of it.

Rewire your thinking y’all. If you think your life sucks take a long hard look at the author of your life. Who’s writing the script and why are they always ending each episode with the main character dangling off the ledge?

You can’t start a fire without a spark Bruce.

I’m not standing on a podium selling self help books folks. All I’m saying is you can repair your head, your mind, your perception of reality.

If my mind could sit you down and tell you the solid repair I’ve done with it in just the last few months. All I did was change my perspective so to speak.

I’m not just changing it I’m creating it.

That’s all I have to say for now. Listen y’all. It’s all in your head.. literally.

Anyway – ☮️ and elbow grease