Journaling is a perfect time stamp for me to go look back on my thoughts and mental direction. I’ll sometimes go back and read what I wrote that morning once or twice just to take in where I was in the noodle when I wrote it and call cringe at the grammar corrections I never corrected. My grammar reflects my mood. Most of these entries are for me so I don’t go back and reread to correct. I wrote it.

I know what I meant.

I went back and read a few entries from last year in July when I was opening Graze and could instantly pick up my distressed tones. I was not in a good head space although my writing didn’t directly exhibit any sort of mood that would explain why. Writing allows me to look back at my words I chose to talk about my going’s on and well I know me better than anyone so I can pick up the subtle SOS patterns.

I look back at some of my thoughts and I think to myself “who was that?”

And

“Where is he now?”

“Your reckoning is over”

I didn’t write that just now. I mean yes I did but I was reading it just like you when I typed it out.

I did not write that.

I did not write that.

I didn’t sit here on my sofa with my coffee in my hand, my cat friend on my left side where she always rests and think to myself-

“I’m ending my reckoning today”

Wasn’t even on my mind.

Really had no clue as to what to journal about to be honest. My first entry was my gratitude points. You don’t get to see those some of my journaling is for my eyes only. Sometimes I write what I’m thankful for. It’s therapeutic and then some.

After I looked back on some of my old words and how they don’t seem to resonate with me a light came on just as I started writing this.

“Your reckoning is over”

I’ve wrote it twice and I cried twice.

The first time I wrote this it wasn’t me. Yeah I wrote it but I didn’t. It came out I only stared at it with an eyebrow raised. And then I cried.

“Your reckoning is over”

Why did I write that?

Once it was written I now know what it meant.

It doesn’t mean I gave up on long journey of cleansing, rewiring, building a better life and mental wellbeing.

I’ve crossed a threshold I think. No I don’t think.

I know.

I absolutely do know.

I’ve been trying to find someone inside of me that’s been quietly knocking on my door, leaving a soft lit lamp on for me in my head. The one that turned in on for my sobriety, the one that left it on while I walked down a long hard path of humility and the search for peace.

I didn’t write “Your reckoning is over” – He did.

It might as well have read “I’m ending your reckoning”

What does this mean exactly? I’m not quite sure yet. This is the first time he’s spoken to me like this. Maybe the first leg of my new life has been completed. Maybe a new one has begun. A post reckoning? Reckonin’ 2 Elecric Boogaloo? Man it’s been a wild ride these last few years.

There’s no graduation gowns or degrees that come with this. It’s not necessary. My four year dissertation has been turned in.

I pass my mental physical.

There was something about reading my old words, the old Chad I could call him now. I read some of his perceptions and thought “who are you now because that’s not you”

I don’t know if I’ve rewired something substantial, recieved a download, flipped to a new timeline, rode a new frequency on the way home. The only thing I can recall is waking up Saturday early morning with my ears ringing loud enough to keep me up. I couldn’t even listen to my headphones which is a morning ritual I rarely miss. I do get a little tinnitus every now and then but this was loud. It stayed with me well into work.

Not sure

I didn’t wake up with the notion of ending my reckoning. Not sure I even knew if I would/could. Am I on a pedestal?

No

If anything I feel like I just fell into a comfortable lounge chair with an umbrella over my head

Weird analogy

Did I break through something? I have no answers at the moment but that’s ok.

I feel good. Yesterday felt weird and different. Like a transition. My ears are still ringing but not like they were.

These last 5 years have been one for the ages for me. Maybe looking back on some of what I wrote woke up something new in me. Did I write or say that already? I can’t remember now.

Hey Chad

I’ve always played with the idea of letting someone else write from my hands to see if I could.

I did not write “your reckoning is over” the first time. I’ve teared up each time I’ve read that in my head.

It feels like I’ve just been released from some mental institution. The padded room unlocked, the jacket ripped off. Doors thrown open and the sun is shining on my face.

What in the actual heck is this?

Nothing like that little panic attack on top of my tent by the ocean. This is as lucid as I get.

Spiritual?

Upgrade?

Or did I repair an old electrical panel?

Don’t mess with me this time consciousness. I’ve worked too hard for this.

Trail marker? If so this was a big one.

I’m gonna let this one settle in for a bit. I’d say I will reckon with it but that doesn’t sound like the right word to use right now. Maybe I went from grey cloak to white? Hobbit fans get it..

What’s next? That question is for me to find out I suppose.