I used to calculate the mileage and days on these trips when I do these little adventures. Miles hiked, bike miles I spun. Loose schedules of towns I wanted to explore or sites I’d never seen. Check off lists and empty out buckets of things I wanted to accomplish. This trip was a tad different. It was intentional for me to go about my business day to day with no itinerary. Schedules weren’t discussed more like observed. Goal was to reach Utah. End goal was to return home in 8-9 days with only scratches and a little dirt on our cheeks. As we drive along hour 4 of 10 hours of straddling Hwy -40 on our way home I’d say we accomplished both of these. I got one small crack on my windshield from an over achieving pebble that dislodged itself from a Mercedes camping vessel that I wandered to close to as we were driving

This trip was to work on a complete reset for me, my habits, rituals, lingering consciousness of same ol same ol. Even when we are striving to accomplishthings that we believe better ourselves through our lives we seem to linger along the fence of safety and subconscious survival tactics that will keep us from straying too far from the persona that we’ve built like Lincoln logs over the years. Traumas, old memories, typical decision making, old excuses follows us everywhere we go.

I’ve made some decent strides recently that have calmed the storms in my life and head but it gets too easy to slide back into old patterns of thinking and reacting like I’ve slipped back into the old me. I’m quick to catch myself when I do but it’s always after the unnecessary action or effort has been produced.

Two steps forward one step back.

And

The other way around

I didn’t plan this trip to change my habits. I didn’t gas up my truck with my intentions of making a statement that advertises “new Chad” is on the way. In fact up until now I haven’t mentioned what this exact reset was for. I needed to physically remove myself from own daily

Habits

Motives

Rituals

Expectations

Comfort zones

Reality

To reckon with why I do certain things before regarding them as habitually habits.

Sort of

I didn’t embark on a 2000 mile one way journey to create new Chad. I didn’t change one single aspect of my daily routines, conversations or subliminal vices. I stayed true to the me that I am. The person I’ve become over 53 years of being.

All I’ve done this week aside from some fun adventuring and resetting was to observe.

Me

I made it a point to sit beside myself this trip and watch me tick. Have you ever done this? Observe yourself from the outside while trying to ignore the inside? It’s almost impossible to maintain that focus. I pushed it along by narrating what I’m doing as if I’m watching Chad from the passenger seat. Walking around with a microphone in my hand and a video camera over my shoulder. Like a week long documentary on why Chad does things. And more importantly why Chad doesn’t do things.

I’ve gone through what I’d sum up as two resets in my life. I thought it was three but through retrospect I’d have to say the last one is just taking its sweet damn time. My first one was a nice little mental breakdown in my mid 30’s when I felt like my life had no meaning or accomplishments. A potpourri of trauma, breakups and going through meaningless motions of life like a still water painting of the ocean tides.

I felt empty

I took it all out on myself. I went rogue, changed my look, my philosophy “wanna change my clothes my hair my face”. That breakdown helped me find myself into being a restauranteur, local popularity and some brief signs of success.

It also pulled me into an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, narcissism and breaking my body down. It put me through that ringer I didn’t want to ring. Pushed my family away and my love for all things. I thought all that time this was a reinvention of myself but all it seemed to do was beat the shit out of me every time I thought things were going well. When I finally collapsed from being a big Greenville wig restaurant guy I didn’t have the want to grow or go through another reinvention. It felt like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound.

I felt like turning 50 was a deliberate way to reinvent myself once I kicked that bottle out of my life things did turn for the better and have been staying true to form for the most part. Regardless of what becomes of my day at least I don’t have a self sabotaging headache to remind me that it can still be worse. Or liver or regrets from things I don’t even remember doing. I was making the right moves to keep my checkers on the board.

Checkers, because I suck at chess. Well I’ve never played it to be honest.

I’m a better person than I was 4 years ago. A much better person but that wasn’t enough for me. Or not enough for the person I was trying to become. I’m not looking for perfection in fact you could say quite the opposite. I want to be ok with my imperfections. I want to be ok with being angry. I just need to understand why. I want to be ok with my bitterness. I want to understand why I am. Not the circumstantial route. Much much deeper. The only way for me to get to know my subconscious is to observe it. Thats what I did. The changes will follow suit as long as I stay on that ride. I needed to tear myself away from work, home and family to focus. My perspective needed a new horizon to look upon.

The more I look back on my “first” reinvention I see it more as a long chapter that set up my second one.

Both were fairly dramatic.

When you reinvent yourself you expect new results, new lifestyles new opportunities. That’s why we go through them. Or at least that’s my perspective. It’s been 15 years between the two. The more I analyze them the more they begin to tie together. My 35 year old reset got me out of the corporate mindset of business into being more of an individual. More headstrong in my actions. Stronger Chad, harder Chad. It also put up boundaries to keep me safe. Safe from heartache, trust and dependency on others. The first ten years were building blocks. I got married, started a family, opened up my own place and then some. The crash was hard. Lost my business and my family was right behind it waiting to fail along with it. Summer of 2021 is one I could do without. The in betweens were brutal. When you have it in your head that you’ve figured it all out you put yourself in grave danger when you find out you dont and it all collapses on top of you.

Polarization has always been the spine of my book. It’s a part of life. I linger too long in the dark instead of embracing the light. Both are necessary as long you acknowledge that there’s a solid life living in the middle as well as you can. Same as hot and cold, short or tall, sharp or dull. You can’t have one without the other.

You don’t get angry or upset at the weather when it’s 75°. But you need the 25° and the 125° to help you appreciate the middle. Your comfort zone.

I find myself in inclement weather patterns in my head all the time. I expect it to be 75° and sunny all day everyday. I take it personal if it’s not. Never you mind the fact that sometimes all it just takes a fan or a blanket to make it all ok again.

Also it’s not the end of the world if it should get too cold or if I’m sweating while sitting in the shade. Good weather eventually finds itself near.

Balance

Balance is my quest.

With balance comes

Peace

Peace resides within us

When we find balance.

Blah blah blah soon we will see Chad suntanning his perineum cliffside. Laugh at me. I’ve done it I don’t care.

Anyway

I’m interested to see what 9 days of observing my subconscious will divulge.

Utah is amazing. I’ve been around its block a few times but never stayed to see what she holds. We camped in canyons miles away from traffic lights, laughed over campfires overlooking acres of brush and rocks. I meditated while staring at a majestic rock jutting out of a lake, got misty standing next to a 130 foot canyon waterfall, cooked steaks while watching the sunset. Sipped coffee staring easterly over the Rockies as the sunset warmed our cold bones. Sought out big cats in Moab and decompressed to Prine crooning over a cheap Bluetooth speaker while a campfire kept my shoe soles hot. Weather hit 85° high in Escalante and we got nipply around 30° in a dispersed camp outside of Pagosa. Ate some pancakes at a local diner to warm up. Got to break out all my fun gear toys to play with at all our sites. I may do a small side review of my products used if anyone likes camping gear like I do.

My 9 day roommate is a 6’4” comedian, filled with dad jokes and dead pan humor. It was fun to watch people take him in. He gives off a small town country boy vibe and charm that he does purposefully I think for people to underestimate him. Offering a Starbucks employee an extra $5 spot if she wrote “daddy” on his cup and she did. He pretends to have slow wit. Don’t let him fool you.

We talked about old times and adventures in between long drives. If he had any faults it would be he really enjoys using the bathroom. He has the tendency to snore loudly which kept the apex predators away..

10/10 would do another adventure once his stomach gets better..

Highlights? Too many. Moab was majestic as always. Camping in the middle of nowhere is humbling.

Hanksville was a slight disappointment I wanted to see a certain stone tower and the ground was a tad too soft for my trailer to get out there. The positive side was we got to take a detour through capital reef which was amazing and then ascended 11,000 plus feet up Boulder mountain and then down the canyons that take you to Escalante where I had the best dirty chai of my life. We slept on the Hole in the road trail that extends 60 miles one way and took a trip to Lake Powell. Ate some bbq chicken tacos while we watched the sun bake the big lone rock in the lake. I’m particularly fond of this rock for no reason other than it’s just a cool ass rock in the middle of the lake. Breakfast we ate egg sandwiches with crispy bacon and bagels with cream cheese.

Evenings there were always campfires. As it should be.

Regardless of my adventures and fun I have to say coming back home to my family is always one of my favorite parts. I miss our party of three.

I enjoy bringing a companion along on these trips the drive can be exhausting and brutal. The more I do these trips the less driving I enjoy. I’ve managed to burn out the long hauler in me. That doesn’t mean I’ll stop soon but I was doing up to three of these a year. One big trip a year is sufficient with little trips in between. I still have my eye on Michigan Great Lakes and the Pacific Northwest. That last one will need a big fat airplane. I’m not driving that far unless I’m moving out there.

This was needed and it added some more life badges to my vest. Looking forward to the changes that it will help implement into my future spiritual journey.

Cheers