I would say this is for the guys but I don’t try to separate mental awareness and anxiety from sexes. If what I write pings on your radar then it’s beneficial to anyone to read. I don’t pretend to know how anyone else’s mind comprehends their own mental awareness but I feel like we all link up one way or another.

Anyway

I cry.

A lot

Daily? Maybe not, sometimes I have things I need to get done and I don’t have time for it. No that doesn’t mean I schedule a crying session but also, why not? Growing up I was taught I wasn’t suppose to cry. “Big boys don’t cry” Hell they sing songs about it.

“Be quiet, big boys don’t cry” repeats in- I’m not in love, in a cold whisper – 10cc which happens to be one of my nighttime playlist favorites.

I got beat up for crying on my school bus. My brother would belittle me if I cried. My mother would tell me to stop. Father figures would tell me to stop too and also add “be a man!”

None of this scarred me, well maybe the ass beatings but they left a lasting impression.

When I hit adulthood crying was set aside only for death and breakups. I pushed stress cries aside, happy cries, quick car drive cries. As a grown ass man I’m not suppose to cry especially in public. I haven’t cried at one single funeral. Some of the most important people in my life have passed and I kept my tears restrained at their funerals.

A dry eyed eulogy for one of my ex employees who succumbed to alcoholism.

My daughter has never seen my cry but I’m sure she’s heard me. My life is no rainbow by any means.

I was prescribed anti- depressants at one time. I quit taking them because they didn’t allow me to cry. I wanted better control of my emotions. I didn’t want them smothered.

Have you ever had a good cry? The ones that require a roll of toilet paper by your side? Swollen eyes, snot running out of both nostrils

A good solid sobbing

It’s a healthy heave

A wet wringing of acceptance

An unleashing of pent up energy

An oil change

Flushing out the of built up toxicity you’ve kept in your mental oil pan.

I experience these frequently when I write about certain topics. My family and how close I came to losing them, some old childhood memory I’ve kept repressed for years, unleashing my stress from a difficult week of work, sobriety

I let it all out

And my open mental sores begin to close. Not all but they all get bandaged up. Writing is my morning crying routine. I’ve rarely had a morning lately where I haven’t cried at least a little. Yesterday I was in my usual work zone, focused on getting $1k worth of charcuterie to a house in Simpsonville at 7am. I was just going through the motions of ensuring I didn’t let a bunch of meats, cheeses and fruit origami slide around. I dropped off the goods and head back to work. As I crested the frontage road to the highway, the sun was cresting over the horizon and it hit my eyes just as the light turned red enough to make me sit and enjoy it.

I’ve never wished for a traffic light to remain red longer until yesterday. I drove over to the side of the bridge and watched it rise up between the power lines.

And I cried. I had a big smile on my face. I knew that yesterday would be a good day. It told me it would be and it didn’t let me down.

Random but I don’t think I’ve gone more than 5 miles over the speed limit this entire week. I haven’t been in my “everything is f}%^ed if you don’t hurry up!” phase this week.

This is a big deal for me. A really big one. I’m enjoying the break.

I didn’t start these crying episodes until I started writing. It’s quite the therapy session and it’s free. I get them at night too when I’m meditating. Sometimes I’ll get hit with some amazing discoveries in my head

And I’ll cry. My pillow has witnessed some quiet transactions of peace and tranquility.

Gratuitous gratitude

My oil changes

I’m working on my own little diagram of balance. I’m trying to mentally align myself in between these little tiny energy vortexes of

Harmony

Gratitude

Love

Perspective

Peace

Awareness

Empathy

Respect

I want all of these spinning around me like a well tailored suit. Not a force field of protection but an aura of understanding. I want to be the sun to these feelings

My own little orbit of growth.

I pinged on some good things the last few weeks. My trail markers have been so clear I can smell the highlighter fluid. Harnessing it has been a full time job. I’m a cultivator.

Letting off some emotional steam first thing in the morning and during your night time routine is key. At least to me. Give it a try. I’m not selling courses yall this is all for free.

Man I can cry at the drop of a hat now. Big boys do cry and should.

If you feel like you need one pull your car over and let it out. Scream if you want to.

Maybe not post it on social media but hey if it makes you happy then by all means.

Do it in the present. Don’t fog it up. Y’all know exactly what I’m talking about.

Today is a day of rest and repair. No camping adventures, no menu thinking or tweaking. I’ll have a little dusting of yoga and morning walk with heart full of gratitude. I’ll be absorbing the energy and love of my family and pushing the medias aside for the day.

You won’t find me today immersed in the negs I’m hanging with the pos.

I’ve already had my good cry for the day.

Cheers