I have these folks that come into my deli I call guardian angels. They aren’t coming in and blocking bullets for me or pushing me out of the way of an oncoming tour bus. They don’t announce themselves or have halos hanging over their heads. I’d probably tell them to get the hell out if they did because I’m expecting someone with a cellphone recording the damn thing to play a prank on me.

These folk come in when I’m having a rough mental day. The deli gives me a lot sometimes not on purpose but somedays it pokes me in the rib cage. On slow days I’ll have some random person walk in at 4pm when I’m standing behind the counter wondering if I should close early and just start grabbing one of each in my deli market. They’ll grab groceries, sweets, a few sammies and buy the only two boxes I made that day for grab and go’s. The market items don’t sell often. They no longer cost me anything to keep on the shelves since I paid for them long ago and I’m hard headed. I’ll check them out and they’ll be on their way. I have unspoken expectations on sales everyday. On notoriously slow days my expectations are quite low but still easily achievable but some days we don’t hit it and I let it affect me. Then some random person who you wouldn’t expect to do much other than buy a sammy walks in and spends $165. I get ready to leave my deli. Hit my sales button and here we are. My quota has been hit. Obviously this doesn’t happen every day I don’t carry a rabbits foot up my tuckus but I grateful for it.

Sometimes it’s not a purchase but a person just saying the right thing. I deal with a lot of “why do I keep doing this?” on bad days. Yesterday a lady ordered a Reuben and left. She turned right back around and ran into the deli with her car running to let us know that she had never had a Reuben before and it was the best sandwich she ever had. I was in a particular state of mind at that time and it loosened my shoulders. It was needed

Thank you

I see these as guardian angels. I RECOGNIZE these as such because that’s what they are to me. As I’ve mentioned it’s not an everyday occurrence and I have some terrible days with no assistance because that’s fucking life. Some subjects I don’t post that much on social media because believe it or not there are some things I hold close to me that is meant only for me and maybe two other people in my life.

My verbiage and overall attitude projects that I lack faith at times. I have my beliefs that I hold very dear to me. I have found a comfortable niche in my faith and beliefs since I was a teen that I’ve maintained over the last 40 years. It has evolved over time from experiences and consistent and without certain rhetorics. It’s intimate to me. It’s mainstream representation I do not follow. This is absolutely no knock on anyone else’s faith. I honor anyone’s beliefs as if they were mine.

It’s not my call yall. My faith is in my soul not in a 15,000 sq ft building. Thats not meant as a knock. Religion representation has become hard to swallow due to mainstream media outlets. It’s a me thing not you.

I go about my rituals at night and some nights, not all because I have other things twirling in my mind, I’ll have a conversation with anyone that might be listening and ask for some guidance because man some days I can’t handle shit. I don’t get mad if I feel like no one is listening because regardless I’m airing it out mentally and that brings awareness to my situation and it allows me to let off steam if I’m not airing it out on fb.

I believe in manifestation. The more I think on it the more I feel it’s existence. It’s not magic it’s honing in on something and drawing yourself towards it. It’s mental sonar you ping it and go towards it. It might be on the other side of the poles but if you know it’s there and you want it bad enough you’ll find it. Manifesting is just a word it’s up to you to make it an action. Sometimes it will take you out of your comfort zones. It may feel like you’re standing on the edge of a cliff over water and it’s telling you to jump. That sonar ping may be at the bottom of the ocean or lake and the only way to get to it is to jump in and sink for a bit.

Just gotta have faith faith faith uh 🎶

I manifested a little last night. For no reason whatsoever I just wasn’t having a good day. Days like that there are no jokes or hugs that work for me I just get my dumps deepened and I have to get through my day. Sometimes I sit by myself and close my eyes for a bit. And sometimes that helps as long as no one is around.

It’s my mini meditation station.

I had some conversations with myself when I got into bed last night. Normally I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat but it took me about 45 minutes to find my snooze groove. I let my mind wander because it was restless so I let it out to play. It took me to some new places in my mind and produced some new horizons for me to seek out should I choose to.

Pings

I picked up a little something and went down that path and chased a ping that made sense in my head but man would it take me out of my comfort zone and I fucking love my comfort zones.

I even cried a little.

Surreal but not sad. Part of my bedtime process is lying in bed to release my day for good. Like ripping off a paper towel sheet, wiping off the counter and tossing the paper in the trash. I put on my headphones and an eye mask and I go wherever my mind takes me. There are no distractions, complete darkness and some music I hand picked for every evening. My emotions react differently to every song. I’ve trained them to do this it’s a part of my meditation. I’ve done this enough now to where my mind can travel to a memory when a certain song comes on. Even if I’m driving. I can smell my memories, almost feel the presence of passed loved ones. This isn’t an overnight thing I’ve been practicing this for over a year.

I do this mind rinse every night. I have to release things. I do this to give my family the best Chad that’s out there because that’s what my life is all about now.

Sometimes I pick up pings and I did last night. When I get pings my mind goes into hyper space and it hones in on that ping like Google earth. My fingers pinch and pinch just enough until where my mind says “I see it!” and then immediately zooms out.

Me-“Hey Mani. I love this but dont think I can do this”

Mani- “just jump Chad”

Mani isn’t much for words but then same.

Every ping I’ve chased since I’ve started having them have made an impression on my life. They don’t have to be life changing to make an impression. Your mind pings on all sorts of shit it takes time and patience and a whole lotta instinct to pick out the real ones.

I sound like a fucking hippie. No offense.

I’ve got my mind on it Mani. I gotta think about this one for a bit but for now I gotta go make some charcuterie love.