I watched a show last night on Netflix. It was mostly background noise while I shuffled through my three social media apps but sometimes my head will pop up on keywords or focal points when a show is on. Usually it’s a movie or series I’ve watched a time or two. There are days I like silence and other days I relax to familiar themes in my ears. I zoned out for a moment and then heard the familiar clamor of a busy bar with glasses clinking, crowd noise and looked up from my phone just in time as I watched the main actor taking a shot of liquor. The camera panned on that all too familiar 2oz short glass specifically used for shots, bartender pouring the unnamed bottle into the glass with just about a quarter ounce left under the rim.

I watched it.

I smelled it

I could taste it

I could feel my index finger and thumb hoisting that mini glass up to my lips, letting it slide down my throat with a slight burn.

These are triggers for me. My chemical dependence craves that numbness all too well. I loved to lean back on that bar seat, legs kicked back on the bar rail, cocktail with my stir straw usually bent over the rim so I didn’t pop my eye out. Piles of mushed limes to tally my number of refills for the night. Before I quit I’d have my two 6ish count pours of vodka and a shot of fireball before I went home. Once I got home I’d have three more and another shot. Always bought mini bottles for shots so I could gauge my intake. If we had a full bottle I’d probably take a big swig as a nightcap on the way to bed. I was ingesting around 8 drinks nightly without a thought.

I could actually feel my brain slowly deteriorating.

Those were my regular nights. My bingers with the late night blackouts it’s truly a miracle I didn’t hurt anyone driving home. I’d wake up and try to connect the dots and most of the time I was clueless. So much time wasted on blurred activities.

I have a young neighbor who lives to the right of me. I know he and his friends throw some late nighters. I watched one of his buddies walking to his car while I was coming home for a walk which would put the clock around 7:30am. He was slightly stumbling, eyes glazed, hair smacked upside his head as my mom used to call it. We made eye contact and I gave him a wink. I know what a hangover looks like just about as well as anyone else. I saw that same exact face when I looked in the mirror 868 days ago and said no more.

It’s been 868 days since my last hangover, blackout, bar tab or even walked into a liquor store.

I’ve lost 25 lbs and maintain that weight without much effort. Yes I enjoy exercising but I’ve cut out quite a bit of thr high impact effort. It’s no longer necessary for me. I’m not as strong as I was in my younger days but I move just as well and that’s much more important to me.

My mornings used to consist of Pedialite, aspirin and a long shower.

Now it’s yoga, writing and morning walk. Makes me sound old as hell. I’ve never been more at ease.

Sobriety, it doesn’t make you smarter but alcohol definitely makes you dumber.

I wouldn’t have dedicated time to write before my reckoning. It was painful to look at my phone when I drank. Zero focus or concentration.

My craft excelled once I put the bottle down. As did my patience although that took a bit.

Ive been observing my mental health closely while constructing this deli. At high times that worst thing I deal with is no one moves with the same sense of urgency as I do. That’s to be expected. I have been very deliberate with my process this time. Balancing my time with work and outdoors. I haven’t jumped the gun on any projects and some things have not gone as planned with some projects and people at least I haven’t put all my eggs in one basket like I used to.

I was remarking to my wife last night about how busy charcuterie has been this month. I was frustrated because it was taking my time away from the deli but at the same time what better timing could I have to have some extra income coming in while I was spending my savings on it’s big brother? Three years ago I wouldnt have made that connection.

Sobriety encourages positivity.

Gratitude

I try to keep my observations on sobriety level. I want those that do struggle with it to make the effort to stop but unlike my usual personality I refuse to be confrontational or outspoken.

You can’t force anyone to stop. Pushing against the will doesn’t work. I don’t get triggered at my friends posts with late night adventures as I look at your pics, vids and reminisce. The ads with drink discounts that encourage more volume for less pocket.

We gotta make a living. Its a choice for the most part anyway just not for me.

But sometimes I want to grab some of you by the fucking shoulders. I watch your life because well it’s there for the world to see now. Your struggles with work, mental health and overall lifestyle.

Give it a break and just watch what happens.

One week you’ll feel the difference.

One month you’re already healing.

A year? You’ll look different and act different.

Two years. I’m a different person.

I think differently

I react to emotions differently

My joints feel better

I’m writing and doing crossword puzzles at 5:30am for fuck sake.

I used to have a violent streak. Yesterday I carried a giant hairy ass spider out of my deli. Three years ago I’d be scraping it off my shoe. I didn’t make a pact with myself to protect insects for some reason harming anything just doesn’t resonate with me.

I’ve mentioned before I cry quite a lot now.

Tears of gratitude.

It’s a travesty that some can’t see how this shit can turn you into a liquid filled Frankenstein over time. Even those of you that think a 6 pack of miller lite can’t hurt it still does. Zero fucking health benefits.

If you could install an emotional barometer controlled by a camera into my home and watch it on time lapse for the last three years and watch the social interaction of my family, how it’s evolved, how it’s changed. You’d see all the hugs, smiles and laughter.

No this isn’t a hobby lobby wall art ad this is my fucking life.

If you could watch a live physical documentary of my personality change over this time..

It’s hard to flip the way you think. It’s taken me over two years of daily tasks to do it.

If there’s a downside I could say I’ve got a little social anxiety now. When I open that deli just keep that in mind. I haven’t really been in the public eye in three years. I rarely interact with the public except out of necessity. Is that bad? I don’t know but I haven’t even had a head cold in three years.

I’m not withering I just enjoy being a homebody now.

My barstool is gone and I don’t care anymore.