Man this day really started that cliche reference “snowball rolling down the hill” for me.

Our/my restaurant group was about to get the mandate handcuffs

Anyone that was social media friends with me got to have front seats to the meltdown show.

It wasn’t really that bad. Not on your cellphones at least just in my head

There was already a whiff of change in the air with my vocational attitude and my old partners.

A tiny thread holding up a bowling ball in a hurricane force gale.

The upcoming coronavirus had caused a fun argument to erupt between me and my old partner. Trivial at best but at that time I was around a 9.99 on the tension scale.

Hour long stares over ridiculously large Office Depot tables in tiny rooms.

Covid was icing on the relationship cake.

I’ve always been the one to take the fall if sales were underperforming, bad reviews, poor employee moral or under trained mangers. If food cost were high I’d jump on it. Menu ideas choked I would write a brand new one. Three to four menu revamps annually per restaurant. Some I’d tweak others I’d revamp

Gotta stay current

Gotta sell tickets

Ticket sales had been dropping for a bit. I as per the norm took full responsibility. My control was a minority partner. When fault was to be had I was the majority partner. Hey they were my concepts. I created them I get it .

My only argument from time to time was “maybe we could’ve tried to build one that wasn’t already in someone’s front yard?”

I look back and can say with all heart and integrity I gave it my all.

Until that day. Then I started dropping zero fucks like Johnny Appleseed. I had always been open to criticism but never had anyone question my sacrifice.

My drive

My passion

I’ve punched heads for less. Not that I would’ve in this situation but that temper is still there.

My grip on my old company loosened after this day 4 years ago.

My old comrades jumped on that opportunity.

Smart

I would’ve done the same. Just turn your back for one moment. I did but I’m not an idiot all I did was close my eyes long enough for them to make the changes.

I don’t take that part personal at all. There were plenty of personal issues. Conflicts of personality and egos it happens. I will never reflect on any of my old partners in a viscous way. I gave back the same I’m no fucking angel.

The difference for me was I still tried to retain a good relationship.

The effort was mine to give and to takeaway. I’m petty as Tom.

It doesn’t take much

Listen I’ve said it before I write before I think and I rarely backspace because then I’m editing my thoughts. 4 years later I’m still fuming over a few things. Sobriety puts my emotions on the big screen. If I know you’re watching me I’m going to show my ass .

It’s my show

It’s my ass

Anyway

New direction here ___

From March 17 2020 to September 30 that same year. I can’t tell you much about my old job. I was there but I wasn’t.

Many decisions were being made in rooms that I wasn’t present in.

Many whispers

I’d been through it before and I fought my ass off.

This time I sat back and waited. There was no fight left in me. Hard to swing when you no longer care.

The longer we dragged out opening the restaurants back open the more I disassociated. If that was the plan then well done sirs. And ma’am.

I do recall sitting through three presentations of demographics

Plugging in food costs in three different platforms and then doing it all over again when I rebranded all three menus.

Man I hate data entry. That was well known.

I had the cleanest office in the company. I never used it. Can’t do what I did behind a desk.

Not looking for a pity party yall. I was just triggered and my finger never left it. Still dealing with that.

Reopening all the restaurants literally felt like to me I was getting back together with a toxic ex girlfriend. I knew what I was walking into but didn’t know how to get out of it.

Actually I did know. All I did was watch the clock.

I have always been a fighter when I believe in the cause. The fact that I didn’t fight this time was obvious.

The mandate cuffing made my blood boil. Do you understand how frustrating it was to run outside with styrofoam boxes, wearing gloves and masks? Boxes with brunch items. Customers and friends supporting you out of desperation. Sunday brunch we were doing 400 covers. At that moment we did $200.

And as I’d walk outside sporadically to thank every single person that pulled up I’d look across the parking lot at Home Depot with over a hundred cars corralled 300 yards down the road. Mulching your yard was waaay more essential than food.

The ridiculous tents we would erect to save our dining rooms. Price gouging, not to mention the press reminding everyone that restaurants were the most likely place to catch covid. I literally watched a segment where they detailed someone sneezing and the mucus trail through the HVAC over the table, diagramed.. to show the sneeze landing on top of another table.

Planes? Planes were fine just wear that paper mask. What could possibly go wrong? I’m sure the germ swam over here anyway.

I have not watched more than 30 seconds of national news since that year.

I am extremely biased towards things that I never cared about now. Or when I used to say to each their own it’s changed. I’ve made it a point, being a local business owner to keep most of my opinions to myself when it comes to politics and religion. If I voiced my political opinion I’d probably have the fbi knocking on my door. I don’t even write it down. I’m not an idiot.

And it all stems from this day 4 years ago.

I’ve overcame quite a bit the past 4 years but let’s never have that discussion in person. I don’t control my emotions very well. I’m still angry.

How much does it linger? I made a promise to myself after my split that no matter what I do I will fucking make sure it’s as bureaucratic proof as possible. If the goddamn bubonic plague makes a comeback my business will still be running.

I’m about to open a spot. What’s the first thing I post about it? No dining room. Counter only. And if something happens I will bring you your fucking food.

So yeah. I still have some of that bullshit from 4 years ago in me.

But

And we just discussed this (my wife and I) this week

Aside from all of that

Pandemic’s punk ass

Partnership shit

Mental breakdown almost, I kept it together. Anger can provide some healthy strength provided you know when to let go. Anyone that reads this it is obvious I’m still hanging on to a few angry hairs.

Dead ass as you kids say

Aside from all of that.. I’ve changed. Goddamn have I.

If you could put that Chad from 4 years ago beside the one now

I don’t know. I think we’d look a lot different. My frown lines have lessened a tad. I’m at least 25 lbs lighter, I know my head has shrunk. Egotistically and physically.

My beard is mostly gray. It went real gray after I left my company. Stress can do some wild things to you.

My craft has changed dramatically. If I had to give myself credit my skill set has actually improved with rest. I do things much more deliberately, aesthetically.

I feel like an old boxer who retired and took up oil painting.

I don’t beat myself up physically anymore. I may not feel as “hard” as I used to but I’m much more fluid and flexible at 52.5 years of age. Bench pressing 275 lbs will never be achieved again. But my knees don’t crack like they used to and I can pull my hoodie over my head without wincing in pain.

I walk instead of run now. I’m just not in some much of a hurry anymore. I don’t run up the mountains anymore. Remember that guy? I was always running. I had to get to the top of the mountain as fast as I can and then run back home and go back to work.

Nah. Now I mosey up. I pull out and chair and a blanket and we have a nice sit down. Maybe all night.

Some scars take a long time. I’m still healing in places I didn’t know about. These goddamn anniversaries remind me of this.

Back to my convo with Jess

My wife always being the pos to my neg reminded me that all of this had to happen for me to change.

It’s taken 4 years for me to swallow that. It’s still tough.

Poignant moment, sitting in a camping chair with a Dales Pale can in my hand. Watching my 10 year old daughter dancing over the sprinkler in our yard. My brain clicked into reset. You could almost hear the chef knife dropping from my hand.

I was done

That was in April. I lasted for 5 more months but honestly I was gone from my company at that moment. They knew it too.

Parting was amiable. Our partnership for the most part always was. Emotions can spike months later. Mine did. Sobriety makes you reckon with them.

I do believe this and it helps

I would still be drinking, probably more so

I’d probably still be with my old company. It wouldn’t be pretty at the moment if I were

Id still be miserable without even realizing it or worse. Much worse.

I could feel my body weakening from all the abuse. I needed to see my daughter jumping and dancing over that sprinkler.

The reckoning only came about because I had slowed everything down enough to put it in front of me. To finally analyze something other than food costs, P&Ls, demographics, emails and overall toxicity of the service industry.

Thank god I don’t have that full service bar beckoning me next to my favorite bar stool. Now I have a well worn spot on my sofa where I’m currently enjoying a cup of coffee with a clear head. A present, happy head.

I still hate this fucking day. I’ll always feel like there are some really big, powerful people that can kiss my ass forever.

But to the circumstances and what they changed in my life? Well played mother fuckers but let’s not do this again.

Your boy is tired. At least it’s a good tired. I like being in my 50s. Your brain has an amazing way of prioritizing things if you allow it and I have.

Gonna take the fam to Folly today to celebrate because regardless it’s a celebratory moment.

Might even get a little tan