I have what I call trauma songs. Certain songs that will come out of your car stereo, mall musak or neighboring car with window rolled down, head back screaming the lyrics. I don’t keep them on my iTunes, Apple play, Spotify what have you. I have dispensed these songs over the years due to the memories they trigger. It could be a song I dedicated to an ex although after 16 plus years with the same woman/wife they’ve been mucho diluted and have become songs that I don’t turn to but also don’t try to punch the jukebox anymore when they play (only happened once). Now that I recall some of the songs they sound a little silly without the heartbreak and passion of a relationship. Actually some seem a little downright cringy now that sitting here over analyzing. Without a doubt we all have them. Some are musak pop, over played radio songs that might remind us of work when they would play the same 20 songs on repeat until the top 40 was able to find another 20 trendy songs to play during the next genre. Double bonus if it’s a musak song that you dedicated to an ex..

I’ll immediately change the station or shuffle my shuffler. “Waiting for a Star to Fall” and Baby I love your way/free bird” reminds me of Brendles, my only retail job in high school. I despise those songs due to them being shoved into my ears literally every hour for a year. Jars of Clay “Flood” and Tracy Chapman’s “Give me one reason” would play on repeat at the Steakhouse. They now make me scream when they play on the “radio”. You will never find these songs on my playlist. Some I’ve hidden for awhile due to burnout of being overplayed. I haven’t listen to a single Avett Brothers song or Mumford and Sons since I left Southern. I love both bands. We played their shit literally everyday. I might throw a waffle at someone’s head if I hear Little Lion Man. Sometimes it’s one song “Wagon Wheel” will make me crave genocide. Hardly traumatic but man, they burn my ears in a not so good way. Also the older I get the more genres no longer appeal to me. Nothing to do with the artists or genre. I’ve heard it too much it’s not as appealing. Classic rock from the 70s would be an example. The genre is legendary but bands like Aerosmith, ZZ Top, Santana and several other bands I enjoyed have been overplayed in my soul. I’ve given them a break. I’m sure they’ll make come back in time they always do. Some I will never tire of. 80s pop and Grunge will never die to me. These have absorbed most of my song data base that resonate and make me smile. Especially the 80s, to me the best decade of music to ever exist. Most songs that resonate with my ears are the good songs. Ones that make my soul sing. Coming from my favorite artists and genres, they play my soul. I make playlists for when I drive long distances and when I sit on a mountain top to watch the sunset. I have no playlists for sunrise. For some reason I like to listen to the sun as it rises. Sturgill, Isbell, Childers, Prine and recently Zach Bryan are my sunset lists. My shoulders slump, my lips smile and I am repaired when these combine with my environment. I invite my good friends anytime to try this with me. It’s contagious.

My driving playlists are sing alongs for me. I will croon at the top of my lungs singing until my throat hurts. And believe it or not I’m not too shabby at singing. 10 cups of coffee help..

My generation got experience Victrolas at home, tape decks in your car, walkmans – boomboxes, to CD players, satellite stereo to all these streaming shit now. We were the first to be able to carry our music with us everywhere we went. I had a cassette player attached to my waste from ‘86-89. Before that I lugged a ridiculously heavy boombox with 14 D batteries that would last for 8 hours without being plugged in. Those were the best of times. We’d all have those little briefcases with our top 10 favorite cassettes that went everywhere with us. I bet I can still remember mine

Can’t Slow Down – Lionel Richie

Frontiers – Journey

Purple Rain- Prince

Thriller – Michael Jackson

Born in the USA – Bruce Springsteen

Power Station

Whatever cassette that had Eye of the Tiger

Van Halen -1984

Footloose Soundtrack

And probably something from Duran Duran

I still listen to my albums and CDs until the new cars have made them obsolete. I might buy a discman..

Some of my hard trauma songs may remind me of death or a favorite song of a loved one who passed away. My brother loved Bob Seger. “Turn the Page” makes me think about him. Sometimes I’ll listen when I’m driving and we’ll chat for a bit in my head. You won’t find it on my playlist. He reaches out from time to time when he wants to. My mother is all 70s country. Dolly, Willy, Kenny and Johnny brings my mother to me. They aren’t traumatic thankfully I love that genre and I’m still fumbling with my mother’s passing and will for sometime.

I used to keep my boombox inside my little bookcase that also served as my head board. You know those old 80s beds had multi purposes and storage. I kept my favorite books inside that little cabinet and my boom box. Whatever storage left were probably cassettes and recordable ones when my cousins and I would record ourselves being radio DJs. Good fucking times.

I would fall asleep to music as a teenager. When I’d wake up in the middle of the night I’d flip it off. Just a little tiny lever right above the volume knob. I knew that box well. It was my support system during puberty.

The last few weeks for me have been extremely emotional. It took a mini series to cause this. It brought me back to almost 40 years back. To a new reckoning I hadn’t planned out or expected. Its literally indescribable. I know the difference between reality and Hollywood. I’m not that crazy.

But

Watching my father’s memories and himself resurrected on TV took the breath out of me. I’ve never experienced this type of emotions. It’s like seeing a ghost of my father on TV. I had two years to prepare. 20 minutes into the first episode I cried. Just a kid playing my dad.

I cried

When the actor got shot in the leg in episode 5 I bawled like I just saw my dad get shot. I was so emotionally involved in this show.

Heavily

I had to step outside to compose myself. This isn’t just a series for me. You’ll never understand because I can’t describe what it does.

I never made peace with my father’s death. I’ve always held it against the universe. I wanted more time and I didn’t get it.

Jesus Christ I’m bawling now.

Tangent

Sorry

The night my dad passed I went to bed and did my regular routine as best as I could. I turned on my little boombox and cried myself to sleep. I woke up a little later and listened to my radio. You know when you’re a kid and wake up after some crazy ass experience you would lie there and wish it was a dream a thousand times over.. I tried that to no avail. I listened to two songs that came on at that moment and I got angry sad. Not at the songs, they have absolutely no relevance to my father’s passing other than being on the radio at the wrong time. His death became a reality to me. I turned off my radio and went back to sleep. Exhaustion won that battle . When you’re a kid exhaustion won’t keep you awake like it does as an adult. Thank you for that.

As I was sitting on my sofa watching one scene I’ve watched literally 50 times now it has occurred to me that I haven’t listened to those two songs for 38 years. I’m coming up on my father’s 38 year anniversary of his death in 10 days. They’ve come on the radio on several occasions I always turned the station sometimes subconsciously. I haven’t listened to them. Period.

I turned off the tv and put my headphones on.

And played both those songs in their entirety back to back. And I cried like I did that night 38 years ago. But this time it was different. I made some peace with myself.

Those were trauma songs to me. I’ve managed to ignore them all this time to push them away.

I put them in my ears and now I’m putting them away. Along with a lot of grief I’ve packed over the years.

The last 6 or 8 years of my dad’s life should’ve gone better for him.

He deserved it. He fucking earned it.

I’m like Teddy Duchamp from Stand By Me screaming “MY DAD STORMED THE BEACHES OF NORMANDY” when I think and talk about my dad. Everyone needs to know he was a hero.

This show did that for me. On a worldwide scale.

And it allowed me to see my dad one last time. At least his character. It’s given me something I’ve been looking for most of my life.

Peace

I finally listened to those two songs. It took a damn mini series to do it but it did it. Will I listen to them shoot they find themselves on my radio?

Doubtful. They did their job well

Turn the page.