When I first created my account for Facebook I can recall thinking “this won’t last” MySpace is much better”. Its easy to recall. It’s literally my first Facebook memory because I posted it to my average engagement at that time – 2 likes, one of those being from my very first social media friend my wife, who still continues to be my fb friend today much to her chagrin.

My old partner and I had just opened up Fix, our little coffee shop adventure on 101 Wade Hampton. A name that was created from a bev nap, just as was my daughter’s name would be decided almost a year to the day later. Time has a way of making relevant coincidences in my life. Fix was a cool little spot in that little flat iron building across from Teeter. If you have never heard of it well, most of Greenville hadn’t either. I’d open up Fix every morning with my one barista, I was the back up just in case the line ever went to 4 deep (it rarely did) and during the slow sessions I’d hang out on MySpace and then I slowly transitioned to FB and refer to my daily squabbles in third person. 2008, we were pasting codes for songs on our wall, we hadn’t learned conspiracies, algorithms, snowflakes and cornflakes yet. Social media was just being social. My engagement was minimal. You’d see uploaded pics or an occasional video and short status update. I wasn’t exactly enthralled. I created a little fb page for Fix. I might’ve updated and refreshed that account 3 times. I think it’s still on fb I might take a look when I’m done. Most of our advertising we used local periodicals including Industry magazine or we’d stick Joe, our coffee mannequin mascot to the edge of the road to signify we were open for business. It seemed every month ol Joe would lose an appendage and after a few months we were dragging out Joe’s torso with his Moe from Three Stooges wig sideways on his polished egg shell colored head and sunglasses to hide his lifeless eyes. The more we lost of Joe the slower our business crept. Purely symbolic, Joe wasn’t brandishing an old archaic scarab of doom that would haunt the building forever we just couldn’t build up enough martketing steam to make Fix worth keeping. On top of that my wife and I decided to grow our family by one. Wasn’t the best timing but after looking back and seeing that pretty little face the last 14 years I’d say we did ok. The coffee business for me was short and sweet. I loved that little shop but I was also working at Zona full time salary. Coffee shop was a burden that was slowly draining my pathetic bank account away. Coffee would not be in my retirement portfolio.

I’d use my fb updates to advertise live patio parties at Az, post pics of heavily condensated margarita pitchers and the shitty little happy hour food I had created. IG was an account I’d use about once a month to post my mimosa in hand over the beach balcony or a nice looking tree I’d pass while hiking. Double bonus if it was fall. No one under the age of 50 gave a shit about fall leaves until IG came around. The birth of the fucking boomeranged, raised glass toasts. Are we still doing that shit? I had created some energy on the forgotten patio at AZ and Facebook was my first real internet marketing bundle. My pics were terrible even though at the time I was waiting for Bon Appetite to reach out to me for my magazine like elegance and charm. It was usually a pic of a margarita stem next to a spinach and artichoke dip with the sun shining directly above it. I hadn’t grasped the skill of natural lighting as of yet. Upon looking at my first few hundred pics of Southern it must’ve taken me awhile because most of those were terrible too. Never take a pic under a red heat lamp bulb btw.

Facebook was still mostly

Profile pic here <—— “is tired”

“Is drunk”

“Is hungry”

“Is hoping everyone shows up for work this time”

“Is sleepy”

Is cringy. No that wasn’t a status update it was an observation of my social media in 2009-2012. Social media was as deep as a puddle in a dessert. I wish it had stayed that way honestly.

I put myself in charge of Southern’s social media not because I was the best fit for it but I had the most experience for the local marketing side. We hired a marketing company to handle our branding but the dailies were mostly me and my partner. Branding and advertising firms have a imperative role in marketing and advertising. I’ve always preferred mine to be more organic. The branding should come from the creator’s heart. Not someone else’s content board. Purely my very biased opinion.

Southern soared through the social media rankings. I’d post updated construction pics, test menus with some solid engagement. People were excited! We opened with 2000 followers. Solid numbers for 2012. We done good kid. The only issue we had at that time and it was an important one, we couldn’t get more that 5% of those 2000 followers to come eat in our restaurant in a week. They all managed to show up fucking friends and family night and never came back when it was time to pay some bills.

We were big dick energy with only an inch worm to show for it.

After getting some momentum under our feet and hitting the bullseye on brunch, Southern recovered nicely but it was hairy scary for the first quarter.

Southern was on top of the food chain in a good way after that, making some money and headlines so with good vibes used that momentum and we started on the Dive M Boar chapter in 2015. I got caught up in all the social media relevancy then. We whispered “new concept” and Greenville creamed it’s pants. Dive jumped out of the gate with 4k followers. 4000 plus members of the upstate and then some were all on our new venture’s up and coming restaurant list. That’s a comforting number to have before you launch a ridiculously expensive business venture. As per the norm we had another successful friends and family night. We’d invite some popular faces that would make sure and goddamn well everyone in Greenville knew that this was the place to hang. Hell we even had some budding influencers ask to be invited so they could help make us the talk of the town with their online influences.. at that time I’d never heard of such a thing. I applaud it. It’s smart if you’re good at it. IF YOURE GOOD AT IT.

Dive started off ok but it didn’t come close to our forecast. We went accidentally viral two times. The first one was terrible. It was a review we responded to somewhat rudely but it stemmed from a ridiculous miss understanding. Looking back at it now it wouldn’t even make a whimper but when it’s your own place and it’s underperforming you don’t want any negative press. The other spectrum, our old burger restaurant neighbors did a dumb thing and pissed off some local firefighters. TR had just lost a fellow firefighter in a tragic accident and wanted to honor him by eating on of those “we betcha can’t finish” burgers that he always wanted to do. They wanted to share it and well that burger place wasn’t going to bend the rules for anyone and they stepped into a pile of shit that didn’t wash off their boot. I had reached out and told them I’d make a bigger, better burger they could all share to honor their friend. Then I found out the tragedy that had befallen their friend and I was heartbroken. He had died at an intersection after being hit on his motorcycle during a police chase with another vehicle. Just the wrong place at the worst possible time. All I could think about was his little family. And then about what would happen to mine had it been me? We held a little fundraiser for his family that became a huge fundraiser. It was truly remarkable to witness how we are capable of coming together as a community when the shit hits the shit. I met some incredible people. The parking lot was packed with firefighters and their families, we had a band and raised some good love and cash flow for the family.

We would last 7 more months. Rebranding in between. Dive n Boar went 0-2 at the plate. The last swing the bat went flailing into the stands.

That was my first experience of closing a large scale business that I had a big hand in creating. It left a bad taste in my mouth. Falling on your face sucks. Doing it in front of the whole upstate hurts even worse. Especially with my ego. I knew I had to improve on multiple levels and I wanted to step up and work on our brand recognition. Starting with my own. Reluctantly I put my face out there as the face of the company. The best way for me to market my brand was to become the brand. After Dive shut the doors I began creating LTO although my initial concept was called “Elbow Grease” I wanted a late night burger dive. A roll up door in the front and back amd go full tits sports and late night bar. The dive theme shook my partners up. They envision an environment straight out of a hells angel movie whenever I brought up late night bar. Guys in leather, getting drunk and knifing each other over a game of 9 ball or darts. In hopes that Clint Eastwood would walk in with his pet chimpanzee and scare them all away. Elbow Grease didn’t make it. So I went Grease Lite and created LTO. A concept of milkshakes and kid filled dining rooms. Y’all should’ve figured out by now that just ain’t my bag baby.

One night I got on Facebook and I went through and friended (requested) 500 people. The only guidelines were they had to have at least 25 mutual friends and their profile pic couldn’t be something that would resemble a troll account. I actually did this twice, the second time not quite as much but I was trying to build my personal brand to help market my professional brand.

I called that first corralling of friends my “Facebook 500”. I went outside my comfort zone and invited 500, mostly complete strangers into my life. I slowly changed my Facebook material to be more engaging and to gain popularity. I wanted to use that energy to market my company. After I ingested those new 500 friends I introduced myself. Felt like a monkey when I did that but I did it.

It was a good move. Marketing wise and socially. I can’t give you an accurate percentage of how many actually accepted my request. On occasion I’ll see an account with “friend request pending” and if they’re public I’ll go and heart a few pics just to fuck with them. Fuck y’all, you’re missing a hell of a show.

Of those 500 or so I’ve met at least 300 to 400 in person. I’ve hiked with a lot of them, shared coffee, stories, supported their businesses, watched their families begin and grow. Lot of amazing talent and love with these guys. And they all support each other. I have three generations of friends. My childhood friends from diapers to graduation, my friends I made from Zona’s and this group along with my Southern family. Truly thankful for all three. Once I had that accomplished I went and friended about 200 more. No clue who you guys are to this day. I think you’re the lurkers. You’re on there but you stand in the corners and observe. I’m actually jealous.

LTO was about to hit the press. I wanted to reignite that trouble child next to Southern. I built up my social media presence to build up my business’s presence. Dive had closed and knocked the breath out of us. I had already built up a brand as Southern’s cocky, arrogant ranting chef. Wasn’t the legacy I was looking for but it sold tickets to the show. Even that old monicker Dr. Puddin’ was a good branding for me. I changed my IG handle to that name for instant recognition. God I cringe when I look back at that. One of my chefs called me that and it went mini viral. Jesus I thought I was hot shit on a cold golden rock.

I started engaging more on social media. Tried to do the same on IG on a smaller scale but thought I could be more relevant on FB. I’d publicly share the progress of opening restaurants, some fun opening stories to share and teasing the public with pics of our test kitchen and new burgers. I’d do polls for burger names and toppings and received solid engagement. Posted weekly specials for Southern and they’d sell out. Sales improved, engagement improved and I made connections with the all those faces on see on fb.

My ego would feed off the growing popularity on social media. That thumbs up dopamine is something y’all. The more I grew on social media the more I felt the need to post “entertainly” on fb. It was no longer “what’s on your mind?” It was “what do you want people to think is on your mind?” Got to be more engaging. Gotta sell tickets.

I found myself rating my restaurants performances by their social media engagement. Sales too obviously but right underneath it was the social media promotions. It’s a full time job. Molding your businesses online for all the public to see. It’s the real deal reality show. You want the locals, the general public within a certain radius to become intimate with your branding. Get on that platform and you make goddamn sure you make yourself relevent to your 5k followers, even if it’s for 10 seconds. That’s all you need to get into their heads to get into your wallet. Using exciting trigger words like BOGO, SIN NIGHT, LIVE MUSIC and quirky shit like BIRKENSTOCK BINGO or TRIVIA for some long forgotten TV show.

Nostalgia sells tickets.

More often than not those food specials you post online that recieve comments like “GET IN MY BELLY”, SAVE ME A SEAT”, “OMG THAT LOOKS HEAVENLY” but you never see those mother fuckers in your restaurant.. Likes don’t sell tickets. They are like a crowd standing outside the box office discussing buying tickets. You see the large crowd gathering in front of the ticket booth. You leave because that line appears to be too long. Soon they do to because another shiny new ticket booth opened and they must go see what’s playing.

I’d post 5 or 6 days a week for my businesses. Always trying to engage whether it be a holiday milkshake the size of your leg, some ridiculous waffle concoction or patio event. I choose 6:30 to post. AM or PM.

6:30 am you’re sitting on your sofa or fav chair, coffee in hand and cellphone in the other hand scrolling on social media. Your brain is just waking up and stomach is growling. Your hungry. I’m gonna get your ass with a solid food pic to get in your head. 90% of my current business posts come at 6:30am. You might’ve procrastinated on a last minute gift. I got you now.

Book club event just doubled. Hey look at me look at me!

Football game tomorrow and Costco sold out of wing platters? Yo here’s my post to save the day.

6:30 pm if I’m posting for my bars, I’ll get you when you’re thirsty. Or when a friend pops in town and you’re looking for a watering hole. Shit! LTO has trivia tonight! Just saw a reminder! Fuck I love All In The Family trivia, Carroll O’Connor is the fucking man! let’s go!

Business social media peeps will get this. You post up. The first 20 people that like your shit are the same ones that like all your shit. Let me add quickly that I am not dismissing those 20 people. I react in kind and like all your shit. It’s balance. Like for a like. Eye for an eye. We can both throw thumbs at each other all day. We’ll go broke but goddamnit we got those thumbs pointing up up and UP. The support is very much appreciated.

Back to rant

Sometimes you feel let down by your posts and engagement. You’ll wake up in the middle of the night screaming “I’ve got it! That’s it! My shit gonna go viral tomorrow yall! I’ve got something that will blow your fucking ‘net socks off!

Create!

Post!

Sit and wait for the engagement and likes!

BAM!

9 likes

Sometimes it’s the algorithms that get you. You could have great engagement all last week and suddenly it’s like someone parked a big ass semi in front of your business and no one can see it. Fuckerberg is being petty. You haven’t posted a sponsored ad in months. He’s thrown all these $5s at you for ad inspiration and you keep turning him down because he threw you in internet jail for 30 days just because you called a total stranger online a Cunt face McGhee (true story). So now only a small, select demographic from rural Pakistan gets to see your posts for the next month. Sometimes you gotta throw a silly meme in their to wake your audience up.

That’s always been a brain fuck to me. If you were to judge our country’s cultural taste for arts by social media engagement here you go – my memes get 5 plus times more likes and engagement than say a grazing table I spent 14 hours creating. Yep I can photoshop my head on a banana holding a Swift album or some shit and get 300 likes. Took me 30 seconds to create it. Post a catering event set up that took all weekend, lost sleep from the amount of stress and my wrists are cramped from turning cheese into origami and get 9 likes. God bless America 🎶

You get caught up in it. When you do it for this long, you really do. You gotta sell those tickets.

Social media was an arm wrestling event everyday with my old partners. We were quite the opposites when it came to a social media position. My partners were missionary position and I was reverse cowgirl. I like to shock, make fun, engage. I want you to see my shit and say Holy Shit! I built that brand around me it was like a well trimmed hedge around my yard. They liked white washed pics, table clothes, stemwear, they were more focused on what their friends might think of my posts than what the consumer wanted. I always told them “I don’t cook for your friends I cook for the public.” Same would go for my posts. My partners wanted the Walton’s doing our social media, fun little slo mo videos of me tossing tots in a stainless bowl while seasoning them, slo mo videos of me tossing fries in a stainless bowl while seasoning them, slo mo video of me flipping an egg in a pan over an open flame, slo mo video of me flipping my shrimp fucking flambé for shrimp in grits in my pan. After my 12th retake for a video for Radical I told the camera guy he was one more retake away from my shoving my flambé up his ass in slo mo. I would no longer be a part of those videos.

As I stated previously, your business social media should come from the heart. Not some tack board that is on page one of every marketing class textbook. I annoyed my partners. Southern went from fun, bluegrass vibes to pics of elevated proteins, wine dinners and table cloths. That is not the Southern I created not even the same goddamn ballpark. I take fault in all of this too. I’m not always pointing fingers.

My social media presence for the restaurants were essentially stripped from me when Covid hit. It was a great time to address some of their issues with me without me being present that is. Before I paint this ridiculous villain portrait of my partners let me add that for the first month during Covid I was transitioning into someone else. I wasn’t as present as I should’ve been but that was only because I didn’t find it necessary to plagiarize a 48 page rewritten handbook for the company. The one stating employees can’t post on social media regarding work including partners. Yeah I took it personal.

That week I began my own rebranding to Bearded Gang on IG. I had already begun my personal, soon to be individual engagement for whatever I laid out in front of me the next few months. My partners were giddy when we announced the reopening of Habitap (their fav because they had the most involvement in). They despised the LTO I created. We(they) posted this wait for it, slow motion video of us sanitizing tables, dusting the covid germs off the faux blinds and all these wonderful smiling employees. My partner made the comment that her phone wouldn’t stop buzzing from all the engagement from the video Radical posted and I thought it might be the first time anything has ever vibrated in her pants. I was taking a video of the new dining room set up and one of my partners remarked “that better not get posted on social media” and my initial response was going to be “I’m going to post a slow motion video of this phone going up someone’s ass” but in all honesty half of my passion for my business had already died. I did post that video though because, fuck you. All I thought was just wait and see what happens when the other 50% leaves me.

When I parted ways with the company for some reason they still monitored my social media. I guess when something was posted about the restaurant group and it was made like I never existed I sort of threw my middle finger out at my old company. The post was removed rather quickly but not before 25 screenshots were sent my way. I found that odd behavior so I blocked every single one of them to give their eyes a break. Regardless if there is anything negative said about my old company I can assure everyone it ain’t me. I absolutely will not be a proponent to helping or hurting my old company. I actually still advocated them up until that moment.

I think Radical lasted about 6 months after I left.

Not sure as to why. Nothing against them. Really nothing against my partners either. Listen, I get it. My mouth and mood can be a mouthful. Can’t blame them for being uptight. Careful for what wish for though..

In retrospect I did create quite an obnoxious monster on social media. Tones are hard to read on here. People take shit the wrong way and I know I rile some people up with my words although I’m trying to tame that guy. Blame that damn school bus. Two things I try to stay away on here religion and politics. Two opinions best shared on their own individual platforms.

If I didn’t need it I’d probably quit it. Although I’m just as addicted to this as I am/was anything else. I’m not sure how my company would do without it. Word of mouth just isn’t enough anymore. Arguing on here was entertaining but I’d wake up thinking about some jackasses rebuttal and it would stay in my head. I even had someone make a remark about my daughter years ago (who was in my fb profile pic). I googled their name (they had a criminal record just imagine) found their address, screenshot their house and sent it to them on messenger. I told them to circle the window of the bedroom they slept in so I wouldn’t wake everybody else in the house when I came over. They blocked me.

I had no intention of doing such a thing I just needed them to know keyboards aren’t as safe as you think. 20 years ago I was that guy who would have driven up there.

After that ridiculous exchange Ive started responding to online lunacy with “k”. Its genius. People lose their mind. Try it next time your significant other sends you a long text it’s great.

I’ve found I’ve created this image/character that doesn’t really represent me in person. I’m not that raging red faced chef I come across to be. Don’t get me wrong I’ve lost my temper a few times and have made an ass of myself but it was never my persona. In person I’m actually rather reserved and prefer to be left to myself.

When I started my sobriety journey it wasn’t my intention to “influence” on social media and I’ll touch base on my fun poking at influencers in a moment. Sobriety brought the influence out of me. All I do is share intimately what putting that vodka bottle does to me. How it’s changed me. How it feels like my brain is in high definition now. I’d never be writing all this mumbo jumbo blog shit if I was still drinking. It’s 5:30 am. I’d have my head in my hands right now. What a life man.

Sobriety has also mellowed me the fuck out. And maybe my testosterone is hanging by a thread but I’ve been hitting that backspace button more often than not. I try not to attack “foodies” as much, only if they pop off first. Sorry I can’t erase my complete assholeness. Chadcuterie is interesting because I recognize my clientele is 80% women from 30-50 years of age. So I keep it clean and fun. Y’all don’t know how hard that is for me.. all those phallic chubs of salami and no puns to share.

Influencers, it took me a while to get this I guess because I’m old and don’t grasp the whole new world thing sometimes. Also I’m not completely oblivious that I’m referred to one at times too. I don’t do anything for monetary value except for work obviously and they do too. I’m all for working your hump off and using the growing strides of tech and trends. I get it really. I guess the lack of transparency bothers me the most. Or it’s because their tits get more likes than my grazing boards. *see earlier reference on American culture.

Look if you’re good at it then good on you. It’s a return investment for your new puppies. The ones that aren’t good at it are the ones I cringe. The ones that do it just for the followers. I always ask exactly what are you influencing? What’s your pedigree for cosponsoring that toilet paper brand? That big smile for gram has to be exhausting. To put on that face every single day to get likes. Some will hide the like tickers when their posts under perform. We all look at the amount of likes to see how good they are. They aren’t dumb.

It’s the fake engagement I can’t stand. The robots on their pages liking shit to get your attention knowing your post was never even read. Those stupid ass old comments “great post!” “Epic shot!” Gtfo off my page. Following and unfollowing right after you follow back. What a dick move. Be transparent be fucking real and they are not

and that’s my biggest shit with them.

I see them as those giant milkshakes I posted for LTO. I’d post them in all their glory, perfect lighting, all adorned in their delicious accessories. Lauded by all of IG and Facebook. 100 shares, Star of the day! Irrelevant the next day. Any conversation I’d have with my partners about bringing in an influencer would make my toenails itch. We brought in one “foodie influencer” to Habitap and you’d think goddam Elvis was coming back from the dead. They had the perfect table set up for her and the lighting. She was nice don’t get me wrong. Nothing against her personally. All this hoopla and we got a post reading something along the lines of “this pizza rocked my world.” Hey influencer, thanks! Now get the fuck out of here. I don’t acknowledge any food blogger or writer unless they are established or have been in the shit. Hosting for 2 months downside count. I want bloggers with knife scars and fryer burns up to their armpits. Then I’ll listen. And not to sound shitty y’all their are many food bloggers and writers I enjoy up here and respect their accounts. And they don’t allow their opinions hurt who they are writing about.

Don’t DM me with “we have 100k followers and are swinging through town! If you’d like to make us a box we will share it and your brand on IG.”

Me- “Sure! Which box?”

“How about the Ladies Night? We are doing a post on Guuurl Dinner!”

Me- “you bet! It’ll be $30”

“Oh.. well were hoping to collaborate. You give us the box and we give you free advertising!”

Me- “isn’t instagram free already?”

“We’d use our influence on our followers!”

Me- “you live in San Diego and 60% of your followers look like a after credits roll out from a movie in Cambodia”. $30 or get the fuck out of my DMs.”

Also sorry if it appears I’m bullying some of yall. I’m really not. Just judging. It’s not much better I know but I never said I was a fucking role model.

If I’m influencing anything over my business it’s sobriety. I’ll scream on the big stage for that. I’m terrified of public speaking but I wouldn’t hesitate putting a 100 microphones in my mug to shout it out. That’s what influencing would be for me. To assist, to help and give guidance. Not to sash my ass around with a paid photographer up my thong. Dudes, you aren’t any different. Put a fucking shirt on. You’re selling insurance not dick for shit sakes.

Ok, not sure where I went with this. Three days of writing and an entirely different mood each day. I might’ve made a point somewhere in here for the 4 of you that read these things. I think the subject matter started with social media and the faces we put on to sell tickets. Tickets to our businesses, our personal lives because we all post that fake shit too to sell the tickets to the shit shows they are just as fun to watch.

I’m gonna wrap this one up and get ready to go camp. I might post some things to sell some tickets to my adventures.